Chapter 10
Ash. Just Ash.
Each time I pick up my dead brother’s face and put it over mine like a mask, the mirror of my soul cracks. It’s been cracking forever, but I never noticed it. I endured it. I’ll continue to endure it. But it’s getting harder and harder to see my own reflection.
I waltz down the cement walkway that runs along the front of the bleachers, one hand in my pocket, smirk on my face.
My father is here to witness the race, as I knew he would be. He has enough armed security that I know I’ll never get to him now, even if I were to pull out a gun. I’m being watched. He knows how much I want to kill him, even if he isn’t sure whether I’m Ash or Ash-pen or Aspen.
I’m wearing a suit, which I hate. I’m wearing that peppery cologne that Aspen favored, which I hate.
I’m wearing a dead man’s cuff links, a man that I didn’t kill but helped bury.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don’t know how to feel.
I was supposed to be dead by now, and yet I’m so immensely grateful to be alive that I will suffer any torture.
I will weather any indignity. I will suck Alexei’s cock as many times as I have to.
I will slap paste on the pieces of my soul mirror and meld it back together.
Like golden joinery, like kintsugi, it’ll be better than it was before.
I don’t have to see my reflection because Scarlett sees me and she always knows.
This morning, the way she watched me across the breakfast table, it was addicting and heady. Her, in control. Me, at peace.
Peace.
I’ve experienced the feeling for the first time in my entire life, and I’m so greedy for it, I will kill anyone who gets in my way without a second thought. I just want to claw my way out of hell, that’s it. My new dream.
Scarlett thinks I’m still suicidal, but I’m not.
I want to apologize to her grandmother and help Scarlett repair a relationship that I ruined.
I’ll do anything. Cook. Clean. Prostrate myself on the floor.
Mostly, I’m not suicidal because I’ve seen what we can be like together, all five of us.
All I want is the possibility of being cut loose if that’s the only way for them to succeed.
Aspen’s rotten face, peeled off his corpse and slapped on my own. A mask of decaying flesh. It’s suffocating me.
I take a seat on one of the metal benches, reclining back on it like I own this track.
I don’t, but Chet Senior is friends with the man who does.
Aspen came up here all the time with Cody, watching the races and then fucking random female employees behind the scenes.
Like the half-naked flag girls. Or the woman from the front counter with the bloated lips.
She was in the parking lot when we pulled in, finding her way over to me with this odd smile on her face. Talking about something that happened six months ago and inviting me for another round.
I cannot escape my twin’s curse. Living like I’m dead is not a punishment, it’s a privilege. I am privileged that I get to escape this. Being forgotten is better than being Aspen.
Alexei sits beside me, but only after covering the bench seat with a fresh garbage bag. He doesn’t act like he’s embarrassed whatsoever about doing that. He folds one long leg over the other, resting his gloved hands on his knees.
“I finger-fucked Scarlett in the car on the way here,” he says to both me and Widow. Adrian is standing behind the pair of us like paid muscle. He’s not doing that to put on an act. He’s genuinely unwilling to relax enough to sit in the presence of my father. That’s a good instinct on his part.
“Oh?” I reply, like I’m Aspen. Ash wants to grab onto his hair. Ash misses his sword. Ash has no choice but to relax because he agreed to this relationship. I do. I agreed to it and I’m grateful just to be alive. Jealousy surges through me, but so does curiosity. “Did you wash your hands after?”
Alexei smirks, giving me a look. We could make it weird between us, with me having sucked his cock. With me having swallowed him. It was humiliating. I felt emasculated. It wasn’t that big of a deal compared to what could’ve happened. Alexei is going to help me kill Jonas.
I’m thankful to have him in my life.
Aspen wouldn’t have been. He’d wait for Alexei to help him solve all his problems, then he’d kill the man and take his fortune and his wife. I will never behave like that. Never. My hands are gripping the sides of the bench so hard they hurt.
Scarlett is right there on the grid, waiting for the race to begin. Bohnes is moving through the shadows, keeping a better eye on her. Alexei and my job is to play politics. Widow is here in case the room devolves into sudden violence. I need to calm down. I exhale and relax both hands.
“I don’t know how you guys can do that, talk about sex with Scarlett like that to each other.
I…fuck, I don’t want to talk about that shit.
” Widow is running his hands over his freshly cut hair, appearing both pissed off and curious.
He wants to know Alexei’s answer, too. “You finger-fucked her at that speed and she didn’t crash and kill you both? ” He sounds incredulous.
Scarlett is going to be in trouble with him later.
I almost smile. If I did, I would be putting an even bigger target on Widow’s head. I can’t like him in public or he’ll suffer for it.
Look at what happened to the house staff. My eyes twitch as I struggle not to lose it, sitting there on a bench at a racetrack with their murderer. I can’t think about it. I have to be as calm as possible.
“I did, and no, my hands remain…filthy.” Alexei’s expression turns into something longing and shameless.
He looks at Scarlett with a depth of emotion I wasn’t entirely aware that he had.
Right in front of Jonas. He expresses his feelings, and I realize immediately that it’s not because he’s stupid: it’s because he’s confident.
Remember the barbershop, Ash?
I feel myself smiling suddenly, too. It feels fucking amazing.
“Hey Aspen,” a girl says, sauntering up to me in short-shorts. A flag girl. I’m sure Aspen fucked her once upon a time. My face goes ice cold. This expression is easy enough. Both as Ash and as Aspen, I’d have looked at her like this.
“Hitori ni shite kurenai?” I snap at her, annoyed that I even have to bother telling someone to leave me alone. I rub my thumb against the tattooed ring on my finger, even though I should probably leave the relatively fresh ink alone. “Piss off.”
The girl takes off with a huff. I’m sorry she suffered Aspen’s presence, but that’s not really my problem, now is it? I didn’t fuck her.
“Are you sure it’s okay to out yourself as Ash like that?
” Widow asks with a sigh, taking a reluctant seat as the race begins and Scarlett’s beautiful red Italian import weaves playfully through the other cars, allowing them to get ahead for a lap or two, and then lapping them on the next go-around.
How is it that even her driving style is attractive? Showy. Confident. Effortless.
I want to race Scarlett again. Winning did nothing for me last time because I felt like I didn’t earn it. I want to try again, at least one more time, at the Prescott track. I’ll tear the barbed wire fencing down with my bare hands if I have to.
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I shrug my right shoulder, eyes on Scarlett and not on my father.
Watching her race is a thrill every time.
She doesn’t just win, she marks her territory as she drives.
I feel antsy. My foot begins to tap. I chew on my thumbnail, the same way Scarlett does.
“He executed the staff. He’ll keep punishing both Ash and Aspen, just to make sure.
I bet he’s pulled other moves I don’t even know about.
Things only Aspen would’ve cared about. I’m missing cues, so I’m sure he’s feeling confident. ”
“This is like a game of chess between father and son.” Alexei rests his chin in his palm, elbow on his knee.
He’s watching Jonas now, staring at him with a cold mask of death on his face.
If I’m wearing Aspen’s meat, then Alexei is wearing his Papa’s.
Killing Pavel in front of him was a critical mistake.
If not for that, we might not be here.
I feel myself smiling even wider, so wide that my face hurts.
“No. Not chess. Truth or dare.” I look over my shoulder at Widow, his eyes on mine.
“I’ll be the one to cause your father’s death,” he tells me again, and I get chills. It’s like hearing Scarlett declare something, this impossible confidence that’s difficult to question. Widow looks back at Jonas, so I do, too.
“We need to get him arrested first.” Alexei sighs and sits up straight, going rigid at the sight of the girl that’s approaching us. I notice that he’s got his thimble on, needles tucked between his fingers. That’s his version of hackles up.
I intercept the girl, dressed in the crisp white jacket, gray skirt, and loafers from Oak Valley Preparatory Academy. It’s the school that Alexei attended until recently. He did something violent there, I know that. Does she know him? Out for revenge perhaps?
“Fuck off,” I tell her, blocking the pathway, Scarlett’s Pantera whizzing past on the other side of the fence.
This is the final prelim before the official Stars and Stripes race.
I’m annoyed that I’m being interrupted. I also can’t allow Alexei to kill this student because she decides to lay her hands on him.
He’d be justified, but Scarlett wouldn’t like it.
It’s probably best I don’t carry my sword around if I’m trying not to be homicidal.
“Fuck off?” the girl repeats, and I groan internally. The way she’s looking at me, I’m sure that Aspen fucked her, too. From this point forward—until I live like I’m dead, such a relief—I’ll simply assume he fucked them all. Everything female in a two hundred mile radius.
I’m scowling. I can’t help myself.
“Leave. We’re in the middle of something.” It’s frustrating that I even have to say it.