Chapter 10 #2
I pushed in deeper, two fingers scissoring gently, preparing him as he groaned and rolled his hips into the touch. He was getting louder, moaning, begging me.
My jeans bit into my thighs. I was painfully hard, throbbing, my control fraying with every breath. His thighs trembled. His cock was flushed, leaking against his stomach.
“Matty, please,” he begged.
“Please, what?”
“Fuck me. Put your cock inside me. Now.”
“You’re still too tight.”
“I can take it.”
His words.
I squeezed the little that remained of the lube onto the condom, not bothering to undress. He didn’t deserve my whole body. I came down over him, and Hudson raised himself, trying to kiss me. At the last minute, I turned my head, and his lips grazed my cheek.
He gave a breath of laughter, quiet and bitter. “You can fuck me, but won’t even kiss me?”
“Don’t expect this to be anything more than what it is, Hud. Just two men fucking by the lake.”
In the same spot where they’d fucked and laughed and loved.
I lined myself up but stopped short of entering him.
“For fuck’s sake, Matt, enough with the teasing.” He grabbed my ass, but I resisted him.
“Were you telling the truth?” I rasped. Voicing the words would work against me, but I still needed to know.
“What?”
“Have you come from anyone else sticking their cock inside your ass?”
“Jesus, Matty.”
“Fucking answer me.”
He heaved a breath. “No. No one else but you, I swear. I only let you do it to me.”
Was he being truthful? It gutted me that I could no longer tell.
“Matty, I swear it on my life. You’re the only one I’ve given my ass to. You’re the only one I want that way.”
“So that should make me feel better that you cheated?” I entered him with one hard thrust. He cried out, his body stiffening. “Because it doesn’t. You shouldn’t have done it, Hudson.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
But he shouldn’t have to say sorry in the first place. Not for this. “You were my first love.” My only love. A tear dripped down my cheek. “And you broke my fucking heart. You don’t get to tell me you’re sorry.”
Which made it asinine to be like that with him, but it was too late, and he felt too good, and I couldn’t pull out for the life of me. I grabbed his hips, bottoming out, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, anchoring us together.
“Matt,” he whispered, voice wrecked. “You always fill me so good.”
I couldn’t answer.
So I moved.
Slow at first, savoring the stretch, the heat, the goddamn familiarity of it. Relearning him. It was like the past and yet not quite.
His body still knew mine, still welcomed me like no time had passed at all, but there was grief tangled in every thrust, regret stitched between every gasp. I pressed my forehead to his, his breath mingling with mine, and desperately tried to find us again in the spaces where we still fit.
“God, Matty, don’t stop. Feels so fucking good—please—”
He spread his legs wider, rocking back, chasing every thrust with that desperate, beautiful hunger I wanted him to have only for me.
Hudson had always been loud in bed, greedy with his pleasure, unashamed in the way he moaned my name, but this… this was something else.
Desperation laced every sound, like his body had been starving for this, for me. Like four years of wanting had finally snapped loose inside him, and now he couldn’t hold anything back.
Every breath was a plea, every shudder a confession. And I took it all because I wanted it just as badly. I didn’t want to live without it anymore.
I didn’t want to live without him anymore.
I didn’t want to live without Hudson Granger.
“Missed this with you, Matt.” Hudson shoved his hand inside my shirt and scraped his calloused fingers against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. “Missed you pounding into me like this, owning me. Fuck me, Matt. Just like you used to. Fuck me hard.”
He grabbed his cock, pumping himself as I drove into him. His body arched like a bow beneath me, muscles pulled tight and trembling. His abs clenched, thighs shook as he cried out my name, his voice cracking on the last syllable.
Head thrown back, sweat glistening down his throat, lips parted, he squeezed his eyes shut like it was too much to feel all at once.
The sight wrecked me.
Seeing him like that, coming apart on my cock, undid me.
I slammed my mouth to his, needing to taste that kiss I’d denied him earlier, needing to forget everything but this—the way he kissed me back, wild and hungry, like he’d been starving for four years and I was finally feeding him.
He locked his arms around me. I didn’t pull away.
Didn’t stop kissing him, shoving my tongue into his mouth, sucking on his.
Didn’t move.
I stayed buried inside him, and we just kissed.
Long, deep, aching kisses that felt like the kind you only saw in movies, because in reality, who had the time to kiss for that long? But when it’d been four fucking years, the kiss still felt too short.
Fuck him.
Fuck him for bringing back all the memories of how good we’d been together.
And the biggest fuck you to me for seeing the naked thorn but touching it anyway.
Hudson grabbed my hips and pulled me into him like he needed me stitched to his skin.
I moved harder, grinding deep, but the pressure building in me hit a wall.
That fucking condom. My body remembered what it was like without it.
How he used to take me raw, how I used to fill him, then eat the cum out of his ass after.
The barrier felt all wrong. Foreign. My brain locked up, refused to let go, refused to come like this. With a groan, I pulled out, tore the condom off with shaking fingers, and stroked myself once, twice until I spilled across his stomach in hot, angry pulses, teeth clenched.
I collapsed onto the ground next to him. We lay there for a long time. The wind rustled in the trees above us. The water lapped at the lake’s edge. His breathing slowly evened out beside mine.
We weren’t touching.
That said, more than anything, especially after what we’d done.
I still felt him all over me, his taste, his voice, the ghost of his hands on my skin. But we weren’t touching. We were just two men lying side by side, bones aching with the weight of history and heartbreak.
I sat up, rubbing my hand down my face. “Come on,” I said hoarsely. “We should rinse off.”
I didn’t look at him, but I felt his eyes on me.
That quiet Hudson stare that always used to undo me.
I forced my feet under me and stood, pretending not to notice the way he winced when he got up or how slow his steps were.
His ass must’ve been sore. And hell if it didn’t make my cock twitch all over again. He still looked so damn good.
I shouldn’t want to fuck him again. But God, I did.
I glanced over my shoulder, and he was still watching me. That unreadable expression again.
I shouldn’t have opened this door. Shouldn’t have stepped back into something I’d spent four years trying to bury.
What the hell have I done?
“Stop looking at me like you regret it,” Hudson said softly.
I didn’t answer. Just stared out at the lake, letting the silence carry my thoughts.
“I don’t do things I’ll regret,” I said eventually.
It came out sharper than I meant, a jab that landed too clean. His jaw twitched, and he looked away. God, I was a prick, but I didn’t take it back. I didn’t know how to make it right. Hell, maybe there wasn’t a right anymore.
I peeled my clothes off, walked into the lake, and dove under. When I surfaced, Hudson had waded in. Without soap, I did what I could to scrub the sweat, sex, and his scent off my skin.
A wave of water smacked me in the face.
“Hey!” I wiped my eyes.
Hudson lifted a hand in mock innocence. “Sorry. Slipped.”
Liar.
“Bullshit.” I launched at him.
He laughed—really laughed. That little shit. He had done it spitefully. I went after him, and he swam away, but I was a better swimmer. He hadn’t known how to swim for shit until I taught him that summer.
When I reached him, I dunked him under. We thrashed like kids, splashing and gasping, and for a second, it was easy.
Effortless. Like I was still nineteen, he was twenty-five and stupid and hadn’t yet ruined us.
Like my whole world hadn’t finished crumbling yesterday when my brother and mother confronted my dad about his affair with Ozzie.
He came up for air, eyes gleaming, face flushed. “This is not fair. You’ve been swimming since you were a baby.”
“Go cry about it.”
He scowled, but the look disappeared almost immediately. “How’re you holding up with everything that happened yesterday?”
“What can you do when the world goes mad? You continue living, right?”
“Fair enough, but don’t take the town gossip to heart. You know they’ll be chatting about something else soon enough.”
“Oh, I think this one will last a while, but why worry about something I can’t fix?
One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t change people.
Can’t stop them from doing what they want, and Dad and Ozzie want to be together.
They knew it would tear us apart, but they still did it.
” I slapped my hand against the water, spraying him with it.
“Why couldn’t they have waited, told Carter the truth, then start dating? ”
“Come on, Matty, it wouldn’t have made a difference. They’d still be gossiping about it. Plus, your father looks happier than I’ve seen him for a long time. Doesn’t he deserve that?”
I didn’t answer him for fear that I would lash out at him again, demanding to know if he’d been happier with Heather. Our legs tangled beneath the surface, the water lapping softly around us. For a moment, we floated, inches apart, breath syncing.
The current between us had shifted with the seriousness of our talk, no longer playful. Charged now. Heavy with everything we hadn’t said. The ache of years apart. The burn of what we’d just done.
“Matt, I’m sorry your family’s going through this.” Hudson’s gaze dropped to my mouth.
And fuck, I felt it.
That pull.
His hand skimmed the water, brushing mine, deliberate and light, like a question.
Slowly, he leaned in.
Eyes locked on mine.
Lips parting.
Like he was about to kiss me.
His lips brushed mine, barely there.
I pulled back.
“We should go.”
The words were a bucket of cold water. He didn’t argue. He nodded and moved toward the shore.
We dressed in silence. My shirt clung to my wet skin, and I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“What does this mean, Matt?” he asked quietly as he buttoned his jeans.
Of course he would ask that question. I laughed, short and bitter.
“Why does it have to mean anything? I just had sex with a married man.”
He flinched.
“But it’s fine. Everyone’s doing it these days, right?” I said, each word a knife turned inward. “Commitment means nothing anymore, so why should this?”
Hurt flashed across his face, but I turned away before I could feel regret. Despite just fucking him, the urge was still strong to hurt him because why should I hurt alone? He needed to share in my misery. He was the reason for it.
“I’ll see you back at the house.” He turned away from me.
I didn’t even look up. “Don’t be pigheaded. It’s a long walk. We can both ride Junebug. She’s already familiar with you. I know you’ve been secretly seeing her and slipping her treats so she doesn’t forget you.”
I looked up then. The color of guilt fanned out over his face. “It’s better if I walk so you don’t have to put up with me anymore.”
That snapped something in me. I grabbed his arm and spun him around. “Stop.”
He yanked his arm free, his face turning redder. “Fuck you, Matt. Fuck you.”
“What the hell did I do?” I shouted, voice cracking.
“You’re acting like what we did meant nothing. Is it so hard to clue me in on what’s happening between us?”
“No, you don’t get to ask that.” I stepped closer, my chest heaving. “You don’t get to decide how I process this. You don’t get to define what this is. You don’t get to tell me how to feel. Whatever this is, whatever happens… You should be grateful I’m even talking to you right now.”
He stared at me, mouth open, chest rising and falling like he wanted to scream.
“You hurt me, Hudson, and I don’t think you fully understand that yet.
” I grabbed his shirt front, forcing out the words.
“You hurt me real deep. It’s been four years, and I still can’t fucking get over you.
That should tell you something. That should tell you how much I fucking loved you.
So yeah, maybe I’m being a dick, but you gave me that right to be one. ”
Silence.
“Now stop being stubborn and get on the fucking horse,” I said, voice low and trembling, “so I can take you back to the ranch and to your daughter. I already have this family shit that I’m dealing with. Give me a break. I think I deserve it.”
Hudson didn’t move. Just looked at me with eyes too full to hide anything. They were wet and begging. But I couldn’t give him what he needed yet.
Quietly, he walked past me.
Toward Junebug.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and counted to five. We were one step closer.