Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
THE WORST VERSION OF MYSELF
Callum
Dawn broke, and though I’d had only a few hours’ sleep, the light flooding into my solar, plus my overactive brain, meant I was awake already.
I’d left my rooms once in the night to check on Ally—I found Wasp sharing his bed, like they’d done when they were wee boys—and now I stared at Mathilda’s sleeping profile.
Whatever had hurt her would face me. The edge of adrenaline and panic I’d been riding last night still held my muscles tight and, despite my rest, I was far from calm. My limbs tingled with the need to hunt for my boy. To run, shout, or fight.
I had the urge to wake Mathilda and bury my hard cock to the hilt in her heat. Take out my anguish and fury on her soft body. It would help, but I’d be rough, and I didn’t want to use her like that. For her to think me an animal.
“Hey.” Her lips parted in a yawn, then Mathilda’s brown eyes opened. They widened as she saw my expression.
What I looked like, I had no idea, but she seemed to understand my need perfectly because she reached out and found my hip at the same moment her lips touched mine.
She kissed me, hard, and I reared over her. Her hand slipped to grip the girth of my cock.
“I can’t be gentle.” I groaned into her neck, wanting to bite her, wanting to savage her body.
“I can take anything you’ve got,” she answered, and I was done.
In a second, I had lined myself up, rubbing my cock over her already wet centre. Then in one thrust, I sheathed myself into her heat.
I took all my aggression, my guilt and hurt and fear and anger and channelled it into fucking Mathilda. And she gave as good as she got. Her nails clawed into my bucking back, her teeth bit my lip. Maybe she had emotion of her own to deal with. All I knew was this connection meant everything.
We fucked like we were fighting.
“Callum!” she yelled as my headboard nearly split against the wall, then I was coming.
I grabbed handfuls of her thighs, crashing into her over and over, and I threw my head back, a bellow wrenching out of my throat.
Then I stilled and pulsed hard, sweat pouring off me.
My breathing ragged. My arms shaking. My need reduced, though not yet sated.
“So good,” Mathilda mumbled, and she pulled me down around her. Kissing me until I lost my breath again.
“Thank Christ you came, because that was all animal. I’m sorry I lost control,” I managed, but she only chuckled.
“I needed that, too. Not that it changes anything.”
We caught our breath, and Mathilda dragged the blankets over her then sat up, holding her knees. “For the past few days, I’ve ignored messages from my dad. He’s been trying to contact me.”
“Aye?” I pulled on my boxers and sat at the end of the bed, wildness still strained within me, exhaustion at the edge of my vision. Still, my attention was all hers.
“Last week, Dominic told my father we were dating. Despite me not giving him permission.”
That fucker. I leapt up. “What the hell was he thinking? What a liberty to take.”
Mathilda cringed and ushered me down. “Thin end of the wedge, Callum. It gets worse. He then announced our engagement to a party of their shareholders in a restaurant last night. One of them told the press who are having a field day over it.”
Engaged.
To him.
How dare he? A wave of jealousy engulfed me. I couldn’t speak.
Mathilda paled, and her fingers dug into my sheets.
“Last night, when you came downstairs to Lachlan leaving, he’d heard about it on the radio.
It’s because the woman Dominic was having an affair with is so high-profile.
Apparently, the press is pursuing her, assuming she’s heartbroken.
I checked a couple of the major news sites.
My name is on the story along with commentary about a love triangle. ”
“The world thinks you’re marrying that arsehole?
” I managed, the fresh set of emotions turning my muscles to tight balls of energy again.
I paced over to the window, my voice getting louder.
“Lachlan does? Your name is out there being tossed around with his? For fuck’s sake.
That stupid deal he tried to trap you with. He had no right!”
An avalanche of selfish thoughts bore down, and I stared unseeing through the glass. If my relative had already heard, by breakfast time, it would be all over the estate. I loved my home, I fucking lived for the people of my clan, but the gossip, the small minds and old-fashioned ways, I despised.
Every single person I’d want to celebrate with us if she accepted my proposal would now think of that arsehole first. I wanted to be the man with his name next to hers in the engagement columns. Dominic Hanswick had just taken that away.
What would they think about the relationship I had with her? That it was a fake? That I was a bit on the side? All while she lay naked in my bed.
My pride strained at the seams, too big for my frame to contain.
She was mine. Mine. I wanted her to have my name, be part of my family, belong to me as I belonged to her, but this had become messed up.
I spun around, needing to get out of here before I made it worse by running my mouth.
Like I’d done to James when he’d disappointed me.
It hadn’t been his fault either, and I’d learned a lesson.
Mathilda’s features tightened. “It was a stupid deal, but I had good reasons.”
“Aye, I know you did,” I muttered, hating myself but unable to dampen the fire.
“Callum.” Mathilda rose gracefully from the bed, my sheets around her like she needed to protect herself from me. Her expression was neutral now, and I knew I was fucking this up. She peered at me, waiting, but whatever she saw in my face brought a deceptive calm over her, masking her hurt.
Shame filled me. Disgust at my behaviour. That, added to my worry for Alasdair, and I was the worst version of myself I could be.
“I have to check on my boy.”
Dragging on a pair of jeans, I stepped into my boots and snatched up a hoodie. Then I walked away because it was the only thing I could do.
Ichecked in on my wee brothers, my head in turmoil. Alasdair still slept, but William cracked open an eye. “He’s okay. Warm enough. I’ve got him,” he mumbled, then flung an arm behind his head and went back to sleep on top of his twin’s bed.
Then I stomped on downstairs and found Gordain in the kitchen making coffee.
No surprise he couldn’t sleep either. Last night, we’d shared a grim look when he’d handed Ally to me from the boat.
I knew the meaning behind it. He felt guilty for letting the rematch happen on his watch, and I felt it for leaving the boys to go to my night with Mathilda.
Neither Gordain or I would recover from this easily.
But in the kitchen, over the coffeepot, his look was entirely different.
Indignant. His grey eyes burning. “Who the fuck is that English bawbag claiming Mathilda is marrying him?” He set his phone down with a clunk, the browser open with a news article.
“Did she know about it? What is she going to do?”
“I can’t even talk about it,” I managed to reply through my clenched jaw. “But no, of course she didnae know.”
“Let me know how we’re going to go fix this. Whatever she needs, I’m there.”
I loved the fact that my brother bristled on Mathilda’s behalf. It told me he’d accepted her, though I’d expected that, given Gordain’s easy-going nature. But I still couldn’t talk. His reaction was what mine should have been. She was suffering now, and I needed to calm my bones to aid her.
I tried to be different to Da in every way, but controlling my overreactions had proved too hard. I had nothing of his violence or cruelty, but my jealousy and pride were instinctive.
“She needs me to pull my head out of my arse,” I muttered to myself.
“I’ll tell everyone I see that it’s a lie,” Gordain said, understanding, and he handed me a mug and let me stomp away.
In my miserable mood, I found myself in Da’s office. In eight years, I’d never used this room, hating the memories of it being the place where my brothers had been hurt. But it was just a room, and either I was the laird, or I wasn’t.
But I wasn’t here to think about my business. I needed five minutes alone to work out how to make things right with Mathilda.
My phone rang. Patricia, the twins’ mother, requesting an update as she drove to the castle. The second I hung up, it rang again with the Highland Rescue’s regional chief wanting a report on the night’s callout. I gritted my teeth and watched the clock, needing to get back upstairs.
An hour later, I’d finally got off the second call and was ready to tear my hair out. Going over the events had bile rising in my throat, and I was no closer to cooling off. If anything, my self-indulgent turmoil had deepened.
A composed if ashen-faced Mathilda appeared at the door.
“Thank Christ.” I leapt up behind the ugly desk, gesturing her forward. “I was about to come find you.”
“I’m packed. Beth and I are heading to the airport in ten minutes. James is driving us.”
The bottom dropped out of my world. “No, don’t. I can’t have you go. Not like this.”
Mathilda sighed and advanced in. Behind her, I spied her cases. “You’re upset and hurt. So am I. We’re better cooling off separately while I fix the problem with Dominic. I’m flying to London.”
“Fucking Dominic,” I muttered. “I want to be there with you.”
She blinked for a second then shook her head. “Why? So you can threaten him and stamp your claim on me? This is my problem, and I’m going to fix it.”
“How about if I just wanted to be there to support you?” It was a unique concept for me to grasp, but the words came out of my mouth all the same. How could I be quiet in the same room as a man who’d lied and used her? I’d try to, though. For her.
Mathilda laughed, but her cheeks reddened.
“Really? You blow up at the slightest provocation. I love how passionate you are, but right now? I need support, and all I’m getting is judgment.
It was plain on your face. I made a mistake.
I know that. I allowed myself to be used by a man who is trying to save his relationship but at the cost of so much else.
Dominic can’t see that, but I will make him, and I’ll do it alone. ”
“And I’m nae judging you, I swear. That’s so far from the truth. I’m selfish, Mathilda, and I hate that the world thinks you’re in love with another man. It’s killing me. I want to help you, but there’s something you need to understand.”
She was pulling away with every second that passed. I grabbed her hand. Clutched it to my chest.
“Feel that?” Her fingers gripped my shirt, and I made her look me in the eye. “That’s the heartbeat of a man falling hard. This, you and me, it’s real. That’s why I’m so upset. Because I dinna love easily, but you’re in my heart, and that will never change.”
I wanted to fall to my knees at the expression on her face. Her mixed emotions. Outside, down the corridor to the great hall, a woman’s voice yelled my name. For fuck’s sake.
It spurred me on, desperation gripping me now. Blood rushed in my ears.
“Marry me, Mathilda.”
Her eyes widened, and she dragged in a breath.
“I mean it. Be mine. Let me have the right to stand by you. To defend you.”
“You…you’re proposing? We’re in the middle of an argument, and I’m about to leave the country. So you propose?”
“Then say yes!”
Fast heels clicked on the stone floor, nearing.
Mathilda threw her hands in the air. “No! It’s ridiculous!”
“How is this any more ridiculous than you considering a man you cared nothing for?” Oh, shut the fuck up, my stupid mouth. Even in my overwrought state, I knew how bad that sounded.
Mathilda staggered back, her cheeks reddening. “A revenge proposal? Did Dominic piss on your territory, Callum? Is that what this is? A dent in your pride?”
“No! But you not taking me seriously is. Stay and be mine. I’m yours already, and that won’t change. Listen to me, woman.”
“I’m not listening because you’re not making sense. It’s like your suggestion for tackling my father. Your bullheaded approach only makes things worse. In both cases. You blow things up and hope they land right, but that doesn’t work with people. You were wrong in that and you’re wrong in this.”
I copied her pose with my hands on my hips. “I’m not wrong. This has never been more right.”
We glared at one another, both breathing hard. I wanted to kiss her, but she’d slap my damn face.
Patricia burst into the room, Lily, her baby, over her shoulder. “Callum! I wake up to fifty messages of how Alasdair nearly died! How did it happen this time?”
The interruption had me gritting my teeth, even if my father’s second wife could get away with a lot in my book.
“He’s alive. Did you go up to see him yet?”
“I’m going up there now, but neither of them is going to tell me the truth about what happened, so I came to you first.”
“Christ, Patricia. Give me a minute and I’ll come up, too. We’re in the middle of something here.”
The twins’ mother rotated to Mathilda who’d turned pale. “I’m sorry to intrude. You must be Mathilda.” She spun back to me. “Bring my daughter with you when you come up. I need both hands to throttle my son.”
Patricia handed me Lily and hastened away. I hoisted the bairn over my shoulder, automatically patting her wee back as I returned to Mathilda. The babe mewled but settled. She knew me well enough and had slept on my shoulder once or twice before.
Quiet fell. Mathilda stared at Lily, and something deep inside me hurt when I registered her expression. Her longing echoed mine, and I felt a rip as my dream of life with Mathilda tore apart.
She dropped her hands to her sides. “I want children. I want love and marriage to someone who loves me. I never believed in happy marriages, never saw a good example of one working out, but now… Now I need to go and fix my mistakes on my own.”
“I dinna want you to go.” We’d both hushed our voices because of Lily, but I wanted to yell my proposal again. She hadn’t believed it, and I could understand why. What had I said apart from that I’d fallen in love with her?
Which she hadn’t said back.
My chest hurt, and I rubbed my knuckles over the ache.
“You have to stay, Callum.” Her gaze touched the baby again, and she shook her head. “Just look at what you’ve got going on. Your family needs you, and this is my mess to fix. I’ll…call you.”
Then she was gone, and I was left alone. Holding the tiny babe. Rejected by the woman I loved. The responsible, too loud, too jealous family man who’d put his heart out there but said all the wrong things. Done it all wrong because I couldn’t hold my emotions in check.
I wasn’t sure Mathilda would be coming back.
With the heaviest of sighs, I sank into the chair at Da’s desk and cursed my damn pride.