Chapter 14 #2
My foster mother, the woman I adored most in the world, tossed the apron to James. “Six rounds. All peanut butter. Two crunchy, four smooth.”
Then she swung open the kitchen door and disappeared into the hall.
I tried to stop my grin, locking eyes with James. “Have you made toast before?”
He worked his jaw, slipping the apron over his head. It read Watch Out! Hot Stuff! and couldn’t have been more appropriate. “Yes.”
“Before you moved to Scotland?”
The counter where the toaster sat apparently became a fascinating subject. James made a show of searching for bread. “I never cooked a meal, no, but I made breakfast every day with my mother. I know you think I’m overprivileged, but our staff didn’t wait on us hand and foot.”
I wrestled Conrad into the highchair, avoiding miniature flying fists and kicking legs. “But you had staff, like servants?”
“We have people who work for us to manage the house and grounds. My father had a steward, and my mother had a personal assistant. It isn’t possible to manage so much alone, but nobody waited on our every command.”
Weirdly, that made sense. Didn’t I employ Alison for the same reason?
He loaded the toaster, and I got on with the task of trying to get food into Conrad’s mouth while he battled to get it onto the floor. I snuck a glance at James as he sought the peanut butter from the myriad of jars and pots on the counter, and bit back a grin when I found him doing the same to me.
Strange how much I liked him being here, in my life, and helping.
I conjured an image of a young version of James with his mother in the kitchen—a small boy with big blue eyes and a shock of dark hair. I bet his mother was beautiful. All of a sudden, I felt his loss. Or at least tried to guess at it. I hadn’t known a mum until I’d come to Belle’s.
“What was your mother like?” I blurted.
James hand stilled, midway through cutting into the toast. “The best. Kind. Also, kind of loud.”
“Loud?” Against his quiet manner, that was unexpected, and the image in my head shifted to a happier household. One not ruined by loss.
“Her laugh. And her yell if we were up to no good.”
“You and your sister,” I stated, remembering him mentioning a sibling when he’d been in his fever.
A pause fell across our conversation, like we were both recalling the closeness we’d shared. The intimacy. In a rush, I wanted it back.
James turned, his eyes dark. “Yes, my sister. Who I still want you to meet. Beth, tell me more about you.”
Why did he want this? He’d travelled here for a hookup. Even so, my mouth moved of its own accord. “This is me. From the age of eight. Before that, I lived at my grandfather’s place. But he died.” I dragged in a breath. “My parents…”
Fuck. I hated this conversation. I pushed on, just as my hands kept feeding the now-quiet toddler, who was apparently content to watch James.
“My biological father died when I was a teenager. I never met him. And my mother was kind of hopeless. An addict. I used to see her from time to time, before her death, and she was friendly, but she didn’t have much interest in me.
I got lucky when I came to live with Belle.
” I rubbed a hand over my mouth, my gaze finding his and a kind of frustration surging.
“There’s no more to me than that. I don’t think my parents were even in love.
Just two people who had no idea about contraception. You’re asking for more than there is.”
Annoyance crossed James’s face. “You undersell yourself. Your worth is not determined by other people’s.”
I agreed with him. Belle had given the same lesson but, right now, it rankled. What was the point of James getting to know me? Why bother buttering up the woman he came to screw? Wasn’t it obvious I was in?
Conrad squalled, demanding to be let down.
“What are you doing in Bristol anyway?” I asked, changing the subject and unclipping the toddler at the same time.
Pink spots formed on James’s cheeks. “I told you. I drove here to see you.”
“From where?”
“Home. From Belvedere. I left last night but then sat in the car as I didn’t know your house number.”
I gripped Conrad between my knees to stop him escaping. “Why?”
He choked out a laugh. “Because I wanted to. I needed to. I had to see you.”
With a crash, the door slammed open, and two teenagers flew in, arguing. Belle followed, steering Jessie by her shoulder to one end of the table and Finn to the other. In neat actions, my foster mother twisted behind James, grabbed three plates, and dished up the toast he’d prepared.
The girls queried James on who he was then promptly lost interest, returning to their debate.
Belle patted James on the arm. “Expert job. Can you keep an eye on the boy for a moment? I need to talk to Beth. The last plate of toast is for you, by the way.”
James’s shoulders went back at the praise, and I watched in wonder until Belle yanked my arm.
“A word, please,” she said.
In the hall, beside the coatrack that contained jackets and shoes of all sizes for the kids that showed up here with nothing, Belle levelled her gaze on me.
I panicked. If she asked me about James, I’d blurt something stupid.
“You don’t happen to have any mail lying around for me, do you?
” I asked, scanning the hall. Paperwork sat everywhere.
Oh God, the mess. I’d put my court fine to the back of my mind—it made no difference, seeing as I couldn’t pay it.
Even if we found it, it would just end up in the pile on my desk with my degree application. A neat stack marked Nice dream.
“Um, oh, maybe.” Belle spun around and leafed through a heap. “Conrad is going back to his mother tomorrow. She’s out of jail.”
A sinking feeling landed in my stomach. This was her news? “And…”
“Katrina rang—”
“You said you wouldn’t.” Katrina had brought more children to Belle’s door than any other social worker.
I’d called her after Belle got sick and pleaded with the woman to leave off offering any more kids.
Finn and Jessie were more than enough, and at least now the toddler was going, Belle would get a full night’s sleep.
“Hear me out. I really considered slowing down, but this tiny baby—”
“A baby? No!”
“—needs help, and things are going so well with Alison coming every day that I know it will be all right.”
Ah, fuck. I’d created this. In trying to protect Belle, I’d only bolstered her. “What if you didn’t have Alison every day?”
“I’d make do, but Beth, it’ll be okay.”
I gripped the edge of the coat stand and studied her face. Looking for signs she was sick again. “How long will the baby stay?”
In my head, I recalculated the money I’d need to cover Alison for the summer. With the amount I’d lost over the weekend, I couldn’t take a day off now for months.
I believed James, when he’d said he wanted to see me. If he felt anything like I did, he’d have burned to get on the road and drive. But that long journey might not seem so attractive if he couldn’t spend more than a couple of hours with me.
For a selfish moment, I resented the bind I’d got myself in, and then I hated myself for the dip.
Belle held up a letter, her expression triumphant. She handed it to me, the helpful print on the envelope telling me it was a reminder from the court. Well, great.
“Who knows. Maybe I’ll get another Beth. A child who stays and stays. You were always my favourite, you know.”
She said that to all the kids, an ego bolstering move. Still, I summoned a smile.
Belle took my shoulder. “You need to stop worrying about my life and enjoy your own. I’m healthy as a horse and will still be caring for babies when you have grandchildren.
Now, enough of this. Enjoy that boy who turned up on my doorstep with an expensive car and can’t make toast without taking his eyes off you. ”
“You weren’t even in the room.” My cheeks heated again.
“I know young love when I see it.” Belle shook me gently, kissed me on the cheek, and continued back into the kitchen.
Slowly, I forced myself to follow. James didn’t love me, she was wrong there, but I’d been wrong on why he’d visited. What guy made breakfast for a bunch of strange kids, or made efforts to get to know a family he didn’t intend to see again?
James’s gaze found mine as I entered the room, and something shone in his eyes, so much it had me shivering. He sat on the floor, playing cars with Conrad, and I knew whatever this thing was between us, I was just going to have to enjoy the ride.