Chapter 5
FIVE
NOT NEARLY DRUNK ENOUGH
Ally
The first evening I found out about the bairn, after I’d stalked away from the eyes of my brothers, I’d paced my room, unable to sleep.
From Wasp’s story, I hadn’t doubted the child was mine. But hearing the confirmation from Scarlet’s lips left me no place to hide.
A daughter. I was father to a wee motherless lass.
My heart panged, and I rubbed over the ache.
I stared at the ceiling of my brother’s office, sprawled on Callum’s leather couch. There was a bathroom two doors away, hence why I’d run this way, thinking I was going to puke. Christ knows I’d never use this room otherwise.
Da used to beat me here. He’d been dead for years, but I could still remember his twisted face. His words thrown at me, intended to hurt as much as his slaps.
He told me over and over how stupid I was. Such a failure. At six, seven, eight years old, I still couldn’t read. I was an embarrassment to him.
Today, I couldn’t even read the fucking most important news I’d ever had.
“Ally?” Scarlet’s voice echoed in the hall.
“Here,” I called, gruff.
She appeared in the doorway. “Hey.” Her voice held a tentative note, like she was unsure whether to disturb me or not.
“I’m sorry ye had to do that,” I said. “I’m sorry I ran.”
I was fucking sorry for breathing right now.
“Don’t be. I don’t think there’s any right way to receive news like that.
” She approached the couch and cautiously sat by my feet.
Warm fingers found mine. “Will you come back down? I don’t want the social worker to go without answering your list of questions.
You’ll want to organise meeting her, at least.”
Meeting her.
I swallowed but managed to nod. “Her,” I repeated.
“Her,” Scarlet agreed. She stood and pulled my arm. “Come on.”
I went, grateful to be led. On my own, I had no clue how to put one foot in front of the other.
Back in the den, I hauled in a breath. “I shouldnae have left. I apologise.”
The social worker gave a professional smile. “It’s fine. This is startling news, I see. Now, I have forms for you to fill out. It might be possible to arrange the first access visit within the week.” She eyed me. “The baby is in foster care in Edinburgh.”
“But Kaylee lived in Inverness.”
“She did, but she died in an Edinburgh hospital, and the baby was already in the care of the local authority there. We are working with them to manage this case. Is the distance an issue for you?”
Edinburgh was three hours away. “Not at all. I’ll be there. I want to know everything. What happened to Kaylee?”
The social worker blinked. From her bag, she located her glasses case then put on spectacles.
With flicks of her finger, she paged through her file.
“I’m afraid I didn’t work directly with the baby’s mother.
I work for the Inverness office, not Edinburgh.
I’m sorry, I don’t think I have that information.
All I know is that she doesn’t have a next of kin who can take the child on.
There is an aunt, or a distant relative of some sort, I believe, but the woman is elderly and cannot provide for the child. I’ll find out more for next time.”
“And the lass. What’s her name?” I stared at the papers. The information in them, however incomplete, changed my whole life. And Kaylee’s. And the bairn’s.
“She doesn’t have one yet.”
“What?” Scarlet asked. “How is that possible?”
The woman went back to shuffling her files, looking blank.
“Because Kaylee didn’t have a chance to give her one, aye?” I said. Scarlet’s hand was still clamped in mine. I squeezed her fingers, the touch centring me in this storm. “She died, so she must have been sick. Too sick to name her bairn. Oh God.”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the social worker added quickly. “I have to admit I didn’t believe that you knew the mother well, considering you were unaware of her death and the child’s birth. I will find out more.”
How was Kaylee an afterthought? I wasn’t about to admit our true relationship. It already sounded bad enough.
The woman coughed. “If you fill out the papers, I’ll arrange the first visit.
Then if you wish to proceed with access to your daughter, you will need to make a claim for parental rights.
This requires a court case to be heard by a judge.
We will support you in that. But the first steps will be to see her and make your decision. ”
“But I’m her da. Why do I need to go to court?”
“That’s the process, Alasdair. You weren’t married to Miss Reid, nor are you named on the birth certificate.
” She bustled the papers back into the file, leaving a stack on the coffee table.
“Now, I’ll return to the office and set up the first meeting.
Oh, another thing. You’ll need to book in to see your doctor for a blood test. For unsupervised visits with the child, you’ll need to prove yourself drug and disease free.
Also, for the court case, you will need a full fitness report. ”
“I’m fit and healthy. I don’t take drugs,” I forced out.
Shite. Except I had. Unknowingly, but still, it had happened.
“I’m sure that’s true, but the law is the law. Did you have any more questions before I leave?”
“Do ye have a picture?” I managed.
“Ah! I do.” She took her phone from her pocket, searched, then handed it over. “Baby’s foster carers sent that in this morning. Your daughter is four weeks old today. I’m afraid that’s all I have, but you can take your own pictures in your first meeting.”
On the screen was a sweet shot of a tiny newborn, swaddled in a purple blanket. Wasp was right, she looked just like me, from her shock of fair hair to the shape of her pouty wee mouth.
“Can I have this?” I asked and shuffled to get my phone from my jeans pocket.
“I apologise, but no. Not yet. It’s against the rules. You need to complete the forms so we can act on your behalf.”
“Fuck that.” Scarlet grabbed my arm and hovered her own phone over the screen.
She took a shot, capturing the image. Then she blew out a breath, giving the social worker a hard stare.
“I’m sorry, but that’s his baby. He’s going to be tormented over remembering that image.
I won’t delete it.” Then she jumped up and left the room.
The social worker frowned after her. “Well, I don’t suppose I can do anything about that. Alasdair, drop the papers into the office in Inverness within the next couple of days.”
“I will.”
She took her phone from me then stood, but paused, her hand to her bag strap.
Her gaze flicked over me. “There is information in the pack on adoption. If you don’t wish to apply for paternal rights, the child will need a permanent home.
Read up on that, too.” With a barely there smile, the woman left.
I stared after her then switched my gaze to the papers. Adoption? Why the hell would I need to adopt my own child? Unless she meant someone else.
“She’s gone? Phew.” Scarlet returned.
“You star. Thanks for taking the picture.” On instinct, I gave her a hug.
She chuckled and held up the device. Onscreen, the baby stared back.
What a trip. With one arm still around Scarlet, I held her hand steady, and we both gazed at the screen.
“You got me through that,” I said finally. “I’m reeling. I can hardly think straight. What the fuck do I do now?”
The lass ducked to her bag and produced a bottle of whisky with a flourish. I recognised the label—ours. They must’ve given it to her at the distillery this morning.
“We toast the baby,” Scarlet said, linking her pretty blue gaze to mine. “And we mourn her mom. I’ll fill out the papers for you, and we’ll get drunk congratulating you on being a dad.”
“Congratulating…” I shook my head. Because no one, not even me, had seen any good in this.
“Yep. The baby exists in the world, and she’s yours. From now on, that’s a fact.”
In that case, getting drunk was the best idea I’d ever heard.
Multiple shots of whisky later, I was in a much happier place. Scarlet had completed the long-arsed forms and paperwork, we’d polished off half the bottle, then eaten junk food from the kitchen. Now, we strolled our merry way around the loch to the wee village on the other side of the water.
The owner of the pub was an old friend of mine.
I didn’t want to be home when my family returned.
“Sawney!” With my arm wrapped around Scarlet’s slender shoulders, I marched into the bar.
Sawney lifted his head from where he was pulling a pint. “Alasdair McRae. Ooh, you’re the talk of the town. How grand of ye to come share your fame with us.”
He finished the drink and handed it to an old boy propping up the bar, then raised the bar flap and slipped underneath. He joined us, giving me a punch to the shoulder.
“Ye remember Scar?” I tipped my head.
She poked me in the ribs. I knew she hated the nickname, but it was appropriate, given to her the first day we met, and I wasn’t about to stop using it.
“I do! From various weddings throughout the years. You’re Scarlet, Mathilda’s sister, aye?”
Scarlet tilted her head so her gorgeous long hair spilled onto my arm. She gave Sawney a nice smile. “That’s me. Good to see you again.”
Ah fuck, I couldn’t watch.
I liked her smiles far too much. Always had. They lifted her pert features and always reached her eyes. And I really didn’t want them directed anywhere but at me.
Luckily, before I blew a gasket, Scarlet excused herself and made her way to the bathroom, taking her happiness with her.
“Any news?” Sawney wrinkled his nose.
We’d been in the same year at school, but he had been married for two years and had two children already, one born a few weeks after his wedding, almost causing his own scandal.
Highlands folk were the best around, the warmest and kindliest, but they liked things done right.
My predicament hadn’t stayed a secret for long.
“Aye. Bairn’s mine,” I said baldly, the fact still seeming like fiction. At least I could say it out loud now.
I’d yelled it to the loch, at Scarlet’s demand.
“Shite. Sorry, pal.”