Chapter 8
EIGHT
HEAVING, SOBBING TEARS
Ally
The door flew open at my second knock, and Rena Smith loomed on the other side.
I’d spoken to the social worker every day this week.
Multiple times. She was probably sick of me.
I didn’t give a flying fuck. Their office was horrible for giving answers, great at losing papers, and getting any kind of update took me standing outside until someone would see me.
Case in point: Today’s meeting had only been confirmed at nine this morning.
“Alasdair. Come in.” Rena beckoned me in like she owned the place.
In my head, I ran through fifteen sarcastic answers, but outwardly I only nodded and kicked off my shoes, leaving them in the porch.
My problems with the social workers could wait.
I only cared about one thing.
A wee cry floated through the rooms. My gut twisted. “That her?”
Without waiting for an answer, I darted through, following the sound. In the lounge, two women sat on a couch.
But on the carpet, in a Moses basket, was a tiny newborn baby. Her little mouth was open, suckling on nothing, and her whimpers grew louder.
No one moved to hush her.
Self-conscious and furious, I crossed the room and sank to the floor. “Hey,” I whispered. “No, no, dinna cry, lass.”
In my head, I pictured her as Skye, easing my fear of picking her up, and I did exactly what Scarlet had suggested. I collected her from the basket and popped open the top buttons of my shirt. “You’re probably wondering who I am,” I told her.
She wriggled in my hold, strong already despite weighing nothing.
“Maybe I should just…” someone said, and one of the women rose and left the room.
I paid her no mind, same as I ignored Rena taking a seat next to the remaining woman. Instead, I shuffled until my shoulders met the wall then I rested the bairn on my lap.
This was going to hurt. My heart ached, beating double time, but I forced myself to gaze at her wee face. She scrunched up her nose, her eyes tight shut.
I took a long, absorbing look.
Pale skin. Blonde hair.
The lass was all me. Clan McRae through and through.
Until I tilted her to remove her pink padded outfit, and I saw her ma in her wee consternated expression.
Emotion rolled through me.
It was an act, every one of my movements, on display for all to see. But the bairn didn’t care about that. She wasn’t judging me. The tiny wee thing only needed comfort.
“I’m your da,” I said, forcing out my words. “I’m so sorry I wasnae there to meet ye on your birthday.”
With care, I prised open a final button and slid the bairn, wearing just a nappy, inside my shirt.
She quietened, instantly, against my skin. Magic.
I tucked around her warm body, holding her close.
Every part of this was unexpected, no matter how much I’d planned. I’d dreamed about the moment, sweated over the anxiety of it. All my life, I’d avoided facing up to problems. I was an entertainer, getting by on my looks.
This first hold broke me. Cracked my superficial being clean in two.
What the fuck was I worth to a bairn who just needed her ma? I couldn’t utter another word. Like her, I closed my eyes, and we huddled together.
After a couple of minutes, Rena’s voice broke the silence. “Alasdair, I understand this is a delicate moment, but I need to run over a couple of points with you.”
There wasn’t a single thing I didn’t regret about this situation.
I wished Kaylee was still alive, I wished Scarlet could’ve come in with me, I wished I could’ve had five minutes alone to hold my bairn without an audience.
The only thing I wouldn’t change was the lass herself.
She was perfect, and I’d barely looked at her.
Without opening my eyes, I rumbled acknowledgement, and Rena continued.
“My colleague here is Dee Forsyth. Dee is the baby’s social worker. As you know, the law dictates that until your initial case is heard, we both need to be present for all meetings between you and your daughter.”
The baby snuffled, and I stroked her back. Tiny motions. Soothing and soft. I pictured myself as someone else, a competent da, a man who wasn’t afraid, and kept up my act. I was Callum or James, Gordain or Wasp. Any of my brothers. Anyone but me.
“How often can I see her?” I asked, keeping my tone low and even.
“We will coordinate calendars and offer you another slot as soon as possible.”
“Can I see her every day? Every other day?” My mouth was running ahead of my brain, but the words felt right.
In the next room, the boiling of a kettle sounded.
“That could be challenging with the distance. We have limited cover at the office—” Rena started.
“Find a way around it,” I interrupted. “Agree amongst yourselves that I’m no threat and trust your colleague to watch me.”
I was being a pain in the arse, but I’d have to be. Rena had told me any number of times this week how short staffed they were. We were miles from home, and the visit would take her out of work for a day. I could already see the arguments lining up.
“I can do the day after tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Then I’ll see what we can do about finding further time,” Rena said.
“Alasdair?”
A new voice had me opening my eyes. An older woman approached with a bottle of milk in her hand. “I’m Vicki, the foster ma. Would you like to feed her? She’s due.”
Grateful, I took the bottle and carefully tipped my bairn back then nudged at her mouth with the teat. She turned her head from side to side before working it out and starting her meal. “Aye, that’s grand, sweetheart. You know what ye need.”
She drank, and I watched her, memorising her actions, every new expression fascinating. The teat fell from her mouth, and her angry face was my older brother in a temper. I helped her get back to business and I swear to God she smiled around the bottle.
“You’re a happy wee thing, aren’t ye?” I said. “Like Wasp. He’s your uncle and he looks the same as me.”
Eventually, I brought my attention to Vicki. Unlike the social workers, she didn’t watch my every move and had picked up a laundry basket, sorting clothes into piles at her table.
“What’s she drinking? Next time, I’ll bring some. And clothes. Can ye take my number? Let me know everything she needs.”
Vicki commenced a detailed account of the past month and of the milestones the bairn had met. All normal, apparently, and I tried to force each into my memory. Vicki had two other school-aged children she cared for, and I warmed to the woman. But far, far too quickly, my hour was up.
From the moment I’d arrived, I hadn’t put the bairn down, and handing her over at the door took some effort.
I didn’t want to let go. This was so different to holding my niece or nephew.
I’d never had any trouble giving them up.
But this bairn… She needed protection. Letting her out of my sight was wrong.
“Will ye call me if there’s any trouble?” I demanded of Vicki. She’d taken my number and I had hers. “Anything at all. I can bring ye anything she needs and leave it at the door if I’m not allowed in.”
She placed the lass on her shoulder and smiled at me. “There’ll be no trouble, but I’ll send you pictures if ye like.”
I took a sharp inhale. I hadn’t even considered it. I hadn’t taken a single shot.
“Do ye want one now?” The woman passed the bairn back to me, and I hastily handed her my phone.
She snapped a few while the social workers chatted in the doorway, throwing us glances.
“I just need to do one more thing.” I took the phone back and switched it to video and strode back into the lounge where the light was best.
“Here, sweetheart, say hello to your uncles and aunts. You’ve a family of cousins already. They’ll be wanting to meet ye soon. Cal, welcome her to the clan, aye?”
I stopped filming and hit ‘forward’ sending the video to the family chat.
Then, with reluctance, I returned the bairn.
“What do ye call her?” I asked Vicki, once more at the door.
“Baby. Lassie. Wee girlie. It isn’t my privilege to name her. It’s such a pity her ma couldn’t speak to say.” Vicki shook her head.
Rena put a hand on my arm, ushering me outside. “Tell us when you’ve chosen her name, and we’ll start using it.”
Name her? What the hell would I name her? Then I caught up with what Vicki had just said.
“You were at the hospital? You met her ma?” I asked, a punch hitting my gut at the second important thing I’d forgotten. I was all over the place.
A ripple of pity flickered over Vicki’s face. “I was called in only after she died. I’m so sorry.”
“Did ye talk to her nurse? Did they mention anything?”
“There will be plenty of time for questions on your next visit,” Rena said, clipped, and clearly impatient to leave.
“I want to know everything you know. Can we talk on the phone?”
“Aye, we can.” Vicki gave a tight smile then closed the door.
On autopilot, I thanked the social workers and stumbled back to the car.
Steamrollered from every possible angle, I climbed inside Scarlet’s miniscule ride and rested my head on the seat. But when I glanced over at Scarlet, she clutched her hands to her face then broke down in heaving, sobbing tears.
“Icould see you through the window. God, that was so moving.” Scarlet forced a laugh, dragging the side of her hand across her eyes to dry the tears. “I don’t even know why I’m crying. You should be crying.”
“I should be bawling. I want to. I’m too strung out to even process it.
” Needing to secure myself to the world, I took Scarlet’s hand and interlaced our fingers.
The car was too awkward for a proper hug, though I needed it.
“Can we go somewhere? I need headspace to work this all out before I’m ready to talk about it. Or are ye busy?”
“Not a bit. It’s half four, so everyone will be finishing up at work anyway. Let’s get this car back to the office, and I’ll take you out for a drink, then we can have dinner.”
In the city’s rush-hour traffic, Scarlet had to concentrate, which helped calm her tears. I stared through the window, trying to centre myself but failing miserably. We spoke little and, before I knew it, we’d entered a car park and Scarlet was undoing her seatbelt.
“Come on, Daddio, let’s go grab food.”
“That will take some getting used to.” I threw my arm over her shoulders, liking this new closeness we had going on. Together, we sauntered to the exit.
“Um, Scarlet? I didn’t know you were bringing…someone,” a voice said from a doorway.
Under my hold, Scarlet paused. Her shoulders stiffened. We turned to see the guy she’d been evading in Milan. About half a head shorter than me, he had a tidy swoop of brown hair and slightly rounded cheeks. His beady eyes seemed to cling to Scarlet before focusing on my arm around her.
Automatically, I stood taller.
And held Scarlet a wee bit closer to my chest.
“Shit. Devon. I forgot about you. There’s been a change of plan.” She didn’t budge from my hold. “This is Alasdair.”
I lifted my chin and gave him a smirk in the universal code of back off, bro.
Scarlet wasn’t mine, but she certainly wouldn’t be interested in a scrotum like him.
“But I’ve booked a table. I’ve been waiting for you to return.”
Scarlet tilted her head, searching past him. “Where’s everyone else? I thought the whole office was coming.”
His mouth pursed, and his eyes darted to the side. “Turns out they had other plans.”
She gaped. “Every single person in the office cancelled? Leaving just you and me for dinner and dancing? Right. I’m sorry to do the same, but it can’t be helped. Ally and I need to talk. I’ll see you at work next week.”
Her arm stole boldly around my side and gripped my hip. Heat flushed through my veins.
In an instant, the weight of the day resolved into a new, brighter, and far more dangerous sensation.
Potent. Highly ready.
I might have no clue how to be a da, but I knew how to follow the rising awareness of the woman next to me.
That hand at my hip gave me a squeeze. Hell yes, lass.
“C’mon, Scar. We’ve got business to get down to,” I murmured.
Then I stared down the guy who’d become an opponent in my head. “Enjoy your dinner, pal,” I added, being a dick because why the hell not. The way he looked at Scarlet had my skin crawling.
As one, we strolled past.
“Your father would prefer you to stay with me, I think,” Devon called after us.
Scarlet didn’t reply, just lifted a hand in a farewell gesture.
“Should’ve flipped him off,” I said, not quietly.
“Tell me about it.” She picked up the pace, and we left him in our dust.
A couple of streets away, I slowed her fast walk. “Where are we heading?”
“My hotel.”
Two words and my bloodlust blazed.
Scarlet and I were heading for a collision. We had been since our teenage years. A burden had left my shoulders from the first meeting with the bairn being over, and adrenaline had me raring to go.
I felt like myself again. No—a better version. One determined and strong.
“We can order room service,” Scarlet continued. Her ear, peeking through her hair, reddened. “I want to hide away with you somewhere we can’t be interrupted. You can tell me your stories and…”
“And?”
“We’ll see where the evening takes us.”
Still holding tightly to one another, we hurried down Prince Street and to the smartest hotel in Edinburgh’s city centre. Scarlet led me into the Caledonian. Wasp had gone to university in this town, so I knew it well. We’d walked past its upmarket entrance any number of times.
“Trust you to be in the fanciest place around.” I eyed the ornate ironwork on the sweeping staircase and gave a low whistle.
I’d lay any money her dad had set her up here.
I’d bet more that the moment she got me inside her room, she’d have me pinned against the door.
This time, I wasn’t sure I could say no.