Chapter 14
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
DONNIE
“Let’s get those legs pumping! Come on, find the beat. Match my pace.”
Every last bike is taken and the room is full of men bent over their handlebars, determination on their faces, all pedaling with the same rhythm. It makes the air vibrate with an energy that always gets my adrenaline going.
“Turn up your resistance!” I call into the mic hooked around my ears. “You’ll only get out what you put in, so werk it! Crank it up!”
A rush runs through me when everyone reaches for the red resistance knobs on their bikes.
There are at least a dozen glowers in the class, some guys grunt as the machines force them to use every last ounce of their energy.
And still, these guys come back day after day, week after week to let me torture them.
Sometimes, I love my job.
“I want two full turns of your resistance. Don’t give up on me now, bitches. Because we’re climbing in four, three, two, one. And climb!”
Everyone rises out of their seats, swaying side-to-side as they use their full body weight to turn the pedals. They all look like they’re in pain. Everyone is soaked with sweat. This is going to be my best class of the week.
Thirty minutes later, after I’ve led the class through a cool down and reminded them to hydrate, I unclip myself from my bike and hop off.
“Donnie, bro, that was a killer class.” A big burly guy comes up for a manly shoulder hug and a slap on the back.
I try to hide my grimace as my wet shoulder makes contact with his. “Thanks, bro.”
“You used a new song in there, right?” Another guy asks, face flushed so red I wonder if I should be concerned.
“The interval set? Yeah, that’s a new one. Good catch.”
“Hey, Donnie, I’m looking to buy new cycling shoes. Have any you’d recommend?”
I get caught up in a discussion about shoes with the stiffest soles, and by the time the guy is satisfied, the room has cleared out. I grab my phone, shut down the sound system, and go to the staff locker room for a shower.
Beau and Gavin are there when I round the row of lockers. They’re standing flush against each other, Gavin’s arms around Beau’s neck and Beau’s arms around Gavin’s hips. Their heads are bent in close as they whisper into the tiny space they’ve created between them.
It’s not unusual to find them intimate like this around the gym. Still, my heart aches a little bit every time I see them.
“Get a room, girls,” I joke.
They pull apart, though Beau’s hand lingers at the small of Gavin’s back.
“Hey, is what’s his name still staying with you?” Beau asks.
My pulse spikes at the mention of Connor and I take a moment to open my locker and toss my shoes inside. “Connor? Yeah, he is. Why?”
“Just checking to see how things are going,” Beau says.
He sounds nonchalant, but I know he’s checking up on me.
He and Gavin were incredibly supportive when Roger passed.
They let me take a leave of absence from the gym, stopped in to make sure I ate and showered, and when the time was right, they dragged me back to work.
I wouldn’t have made it through those first few months without them.
Which makes the way I treated Beau the other day inexcusable.
But also… sex with Connor yesterday had been…
really fucking good. It wasn’t just the mind-blowing orgasms, it was how fun it was, how comfortable we were in the afterglow.
We went downstairs and Connor sorted through some of his bags while I made dinner.
Then we ate, washed up, and watched a movie all curled up on the couch.
It was sweet, cozy, relaxing. It felt like something we’ve done a dozen times, rather than only a handful.
At bedtime, we stood outside Connor’s room and kissed each other goodnight. A gentle, tender kiss that left me smiling all the way to bed. I fell asleep with that smile on my lips. I woke up with it too.
It was only when I went into the walk-in closet this morning to get dressed that I had a sudden bout of doubt.
Seeing Roger’s clothes, feeling the weight of my wedding ring, guilt trickled in.
I shouldn’t sleep with Connor while I’m still wearing my ring, right?
That’s the least I can do. And yet, I can’t take it off. Not quite yet.
“Things are good,” I say, trying to sound as nonchalant as Beau does.
“He’s probably going to stay with me for a while.
” I brought it up over dinner last night and Connor agreed, on the condition that he gets to pay me rent.
I don’t need the rental income, but I understand why it’s important to him.
Beau and Gavin exchange a look and they aren’t at all subtle about it.
“Really?” Gavin slides onto the bench next to me. “How long is a while?”
“I dunno.” I shrug. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips. “A while.”
Gavin shoots a glance at Beau, then looks back at me. “You fucked him, didn’t you?”
My cheeks heat and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“Shut up!” Gavin shoves me hard enough that I almost topple over. “You did!”
“Maybe.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Beau’s got his arms crossed over his chest, making him look huge. He leans against the locker next to mine and the two of them effectively box me in.
“Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Gavin asks for me. “Do you know how long he’s been celibate?”
I roll my eyes. “It hasn’t been that long.” Except it has. I haven’t felt the need to get it on with anyone until Connor.
“The guy just broke up with his ex, didn’t he? And the ex came looking for him?” Beau cocks an eyebrow at me and I can see why he’s concerned.
“It’s over between them,” I assure him.
“Still, it’s a little fast.”
I tamp down the annoyance rising inside me. It’s the same thing Miles said and I hate that Beau somehow keeps bringing out the same reactions in me as that slimy bastard.
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You think he’s using our Donnie as a rebound?” Gavin asks.
I flinch. It’s the same worry I had when I first started feeling this attraction to Connor.
If I’m honest, I’m still a little worried about it.
In the grand scheme of things, I don’t actually know Connor at all—I met him barely a week ago.
I’ve been going off my gut feelings with him, acting more out of instinct than reason.
Gavin and Beau are both watching me, waiting for a response I don’t have.
“Guys, it’s fine. Really.” I start stripping out of my cycling gear. “We enjoy each other’s company, that’s all. I’m not going to…” To what? Marry him? My stomach flips over on itself. “We’re just having fun. There’s nothing to worry about.”
I wrap a clean towel around my waist and give Beau a pointed look. He stares me down for a moment before moving out of my way.
“I appreciate your concern though,” I say, on my way to the showers. “Thank you.”
“Just be careful!” Gavin calls after me and I wave back at them in acknowledgment.
I don’t feel the need to be careful. Maybe it’s na?ve of me, maybe it’s foolhardy, maybe I’m too infatuated to think straight, but I really don’t think Connor will hurt me.
I shower quickly and Beau and Gavin are nowhere in sight when I finish. I change and wave to Sawyer on my way out. He gives me a sly smile and an eyebrow wiggle. Word travels ridiculously fast around here. I roll my eyes and rush home.
Connor’s sitting at the dining table in the kitchen when I walk in. He’s wearing headphones and scowling at his computer. I sit down next to him and his face brightens like he’s been waiting for me to come home.
“Hey, how was your day?” he asks, pulling his headphones down around his neck.
“Good, all my classes were full.”
Connor looks amused. “Your classes are always full, Donnie, The Spin Instructor.”
I groan and shake my head. “Not you too.”
Connor giggles and the sound wraps around me like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
“How was your day?”
Connor sobers. “I emailed one of my old instructors from film school. You know, about the grant.” He slumps down into his chair and runs his finger along the edge of the table.
“And?”
“And he wasn’t very helpful.”
“What did he say?” I prod.
“That the grant is a great opportunity, but if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, there will be other grants in the future.” His bottom lip is nice and plump as he sticks it out, and all I want to do is take it between my lips and tug.
“Have you had a chance to talk to your boss?”
Connor shakes his head. “I have a feeling he’s going to tell me the same thing.”
It all comes back to whether he’s willing to work with Wyatt, and after our excursion to his old apartment, I’m firmly in the no camp. “I can see where your instructor is coming from.”
Connor glances at me skeptically and waits for me to continue.
“There will be other opportunities in the future. There always are. It’s not like there’s a deadline on these types of things.”
Connor’s pout turns into a scowl. “There kinda is.”
I think I know where this is going and I don’t like it. “What deadline?” I ask, a little more forcefully than I need to.
He hesitates, studying me, like he knows how I’m going to react. I keep my face as neutral as possible, but I don’t do a very good job.
“Well, when I turn thirty,” he mumbles.
Yep, there it is. “That’s not a deadline, darling.”
Connor’s scowl deepens, but he doesn’t argue with me. He knows I’m right. He just doesn’t believe it. I understand, I’ve been there before.
“Do you know what I did before I started teaching spin?”
Connor perks up. “No.”
“I worked in banking.”
His eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “Really?”
“Really. I hated it. It was boring. The hours were ridiculously long. I had no life outside the office. Spin was just starting to pop up in some gyms and it was the only way I could get a break from work.” That and Roger.
The familiar aching pain expands in my chest and I force myself to breathe through it.
“So you quit your high-powered bank job and became a spin instructor.”
“That’s right.”
“How old were you then?”
I count out the years in my head. “Twenty-seven? Twenty-eight?”
“I’m twenty-six.”
I tilt my head to the side. “See? You still have plenty of time.”
His pout is back. “Still feels like I’m running out of it.”
He sounds so dejected, like things are so utterly dire. It’s such a mid-twenties reaction that I’m simultaneously smitten and annoyed. Oh, to be that young again when everything feels so big and consequential. Where every decision seems so final and the fear of getting it wrong is very real.
Connor really is a lot younger than I am and in that moment, I feel quite old. Worn and weathered with decades of life experiences under my belt that he doesn’t share, that he might not understand.
Does that matter? Beau and Gavin seem to think it might. Me? I’m not so sure.
“If you and Wyatt stop working together, would you still be eligible for the grant on your own?”
Connor’s brow furrows as he thinks. “I don’t know. Even if I am, I don’t think Wyatt would let me just take over the whole thing.”
I nod. That makes sense. “Okay, so if you don’t go ahead with the grant, do you have other projects or scripts you’re working on?”
He scrunches up his face. “Sorta. There’s a bunch of half-baked ideas on my hard drive, but none of them are any good.”
“But they’re there. And you’ll think of new ideas.”
“I guess.”
“You can still write scripts and make movies after you turn thirty.”
“I know.”
“It’s not like we shrivel up and turn into stone after thirty.” I point to myself because, hey, I’m not called Donnie, The Spin Instructor, for no reason.
Connor throws me a glare with a grin tugging at his lips. “I know. It’s just that there’s a lot of competition out there. There’re so many thirty under thirty genius directors already and I’m… I’ve got nothing.”
I hold out my hand and he puts his in it. “Life’s not a competition, darling. It’s not a race. We stop and start all the time. We can change directions at any point.” What I’m saying is so common sense and yet it feels like I’m hearing them for the first time.
I can stop and start again. I can change directions at any point. I’m not done with living just because I’m a certain age and lost my life partner. I’m not relegated to merely existing. The words echo through me and the truth of them hurts me to the core. My thumb goes to my wedding ring.
I am moving forward though, aren’t I? Slower than a glacier perhaps, but it is happening. Because of Connor.
He’s here for a reason. Maybe so I can help him through a tough time. Maybe so he can lure me back into life again. Even if it’s only for a season and then we go our separate ways, I know, deep down, that this is what we both need right now.