Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
CONNOR
We kind of fall into a routine, but instead of being mundane, it almost feels like I’m on the verge of something big.
I’ve never felt more energized in my life—though, maybe that has something to do with all the healthy eating Donnie’s foisted on me and all the extra spin classes I’ve been going to.
Donnie’s taken to saving a bike for me, which means I have to show up, and I’m not mad about it.
It’s a little weird, to be honest, how peppy and focused and on I am.
I fly through work stuff so fast that Rick jokingly asked if I was taking Adderall or something.
I’m not. I’m just high on, I don’t know, Donnie maybe.
Between breakfast and dinner, spin classes and movie nights, we manage to go see the cherry blossoms in the park, stroll through art fairs, and ogle hot sailors during Fleet Week.
At night, Donnie takes me apart with his tongue and when I sink into him, it feels like I’m coming home.
I’m writing too. So much, so fast. The scenes are coming to me fully formed, like I’m already seeing them on the screen.
It’s a completely new story about a gay couple who inherit an old dilapidated house from a mysterious great aunt, only to find that the house is haunted—guess how I came up with that idea.
For the first time in my life, I feel in control. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going. It’s just a matter of doing the work and getting there.
“So, um, I was thinking,” I say one evening as we’re cleaning up after dinner. “I should go get tested.”
It’s been niggling at the back of my mind for a while now. Miles and I didn’t use condoms and god knows what he and Wyatt were doing.
Donnie’s standing at the sink, staring at the backsplash with the faucet on and a wet tea towel in his hand.
He’s been kinda distracted all through dinner, not saying much, his smiles not quite reaching his eyes.
He looks tired. He says he’s had a long day, but I’ve never seen him this out of it before.
“Donnie?” I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumps.
“Huh? Sorry, what was that?”
“Are you okay?” Worry trickles into me. We’ve been on such a high and honeymoon periods don’t last forever.
“Yeah.” He shakes his head, turns off the water, and wrings out the tea towel. “I’m okay. What did you say?”
I don’t believe him. There’s something up and I know it. We’ve talked about a lot of serious stuff during the time we’ve known each other, and I’m not used to this feeling of him shutting me out.
“I said I was thinking about getting tested. You know, with Miles and Wyatt and all that…”
He nods and steps away from me to wipe down the counter next to the sink. It already looks clean to me. “Sure, great idea.”
My worry grows into something sharper and spikier. My mind starts jumping to all sorts of conclusions—is he sick? Did something happen at Mars?
I try to close the distance between us. “Do you want to come with me?”
“Uh, I…” He goes around the island to the kitchen table and wipes it down. Again.
“Donnie?” The spikes have morphed into fear now. Something’s seriously wrong. Does he regret getting involved with me? Does he want me to move out? “Please, Donnie. You’re scaring me.”
His eyes dart to mine and he blinks a few times before he focuses on my face. He sighs, and the tension drains from his body. “I’m so sorry, it’s…” He swallows like he’s trying to clear his throat.
“You can tell me. Please,” I beg.
He lifts a hand and places it on my cheek. It’s wet and cold but I hold it to my face anyway. His eyes are soft and tender and so sweet that my heart expands in my chest. I love it when he looks at me like that, like I’m precious and he can’t believe I’m here.
He takes my hand and leads me to the living room where we settle on the couch. He flips the fireplace on, even though it’s probably too warm for it. I’m tucked into a corner and Donnie fits right between my legs, his back against my chest. We melt into each other.
This is my favorite way of holding him. This and straight up spooning him from behind. He feels so good fitted against me like we were made for each other.
“It’s the anniversary of Roger’s death,” he whispers.
I close my eyes and press a kiss to the spot where his jaw meets his ear. All the fear from a moment ago dissolves into hurt for Donnie. It’s not about me—not everything is, genius. I feel so childish and self-absorbed.
“I’m so sorry.”
Donnie leans his head back on my shoulder and tilts it toward me. I tangle our fingers together and wrap our arms around his stomach. I hold him, just hold him, letting him know I’m here, for whatever he needs.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly. “It’ll be four years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it’s been forever.”
I don’t know what that’s like. I’ve never experienced anything even remotely similar. So I say nothing and wait.
“It was an accident. Roger was working late—again. He did that all the time. It was already dark by the time he left. He was always the worst at crossing streets. Always so preoccupied, thinking about a million things at once. He never checked for cars before stepping out onto the road. The taxi driver was going pretty fast and apparently a street lamp was out. Roger came out of nowhere and…”
Jesus Christ. My breath catches in my chest and my heart races as Donnie tells me the story. My entire body is braced like I’m the one about to get hit. I grip his hands hard and squeeze him tight. Even then, I’m shaking.
When I close my eyes, I can see the scene in my mind. The darkened street corner. Roger with his head down, lost in his own thoughts. The blare of the car horn. The screech of tires. And then… I force my eyes open. Yeah, having a cinematographic brain isn’t always so fabulous.
“I was at Beau and Gavin’s with a few other Mars people when the hospital called.” Donnie’s voice is eerily even. “He was in surgery when I got there, but they couldn’t repair all the damage. They set him up in the ICU and he was awake for a bit.”
He pauses and I hold my breath.
“I got to say goodbye.”
As if that’s any consolation for losing his husband.
My eyes prickle with tears and I try to fight them back. This moment isn’t about me. It’s about Donnie and I need to be strong for him. And yet, I’m struck by how fleeting life is. Here one minute, gone the next. No reason. No explanation. Shit happens and we just have to fucking live with it.
“I’m having lunch with Roger’s parents tomorrow. We do it every year. We’ll go to the cemetery together afterward.”
“That’s nice?” I say, more of a question than a comment. It’s hard to tell exactly how Donnie’s feeling when there’s zero inflection in his voice.
“Sort of. It’s… difficult.”
I’m sure I have no idea how much.
Donnie tilts his head up to me. “Take me to bed?” he asks and my body kicks into gear.
Yes, I will absolutely take Donnie to bed.
I will work him over and drive him so out of his mind that he can’t think, never mind dwell on tomorrow.
I will make him feel so good that the endorphins—or whatever brain chemical, he explained once but I can’t remember—will carry him through lunch and all the way back home.
We go up to my room and slowly strip each other of our clothes.
Donnie lays down on his back and I settle in between his thighs.
I love it here. His thick legs wrapped around my waist, his lithe body writhing underneath me.
He is the sexiest man I’ve ever set my eyes on and the most caring person I’ve ever had the pleasure to know.
I kiss him and he moans into my mouth. I drink up every last drop of it, licking his tongue, sucking it. His nails are scoring patterns across my back, lighting up my nerve endings until I’m quaking and quivering under his touch.
My dick is hard and as our bodies come together, it slips under his balls and rubs along his taint. It catches on the rim of his hole and it hits me how much I want to slide in there without a condom on. Nothing separating us. Nothing keeping us apart.
Soon. Get tested. Then we can ditch the condoms.
Donnie tilts his head back and I kiss my way along his stubbled jaw, down his neck to my absolute favorite spot right on top of his pulse.
He’s been sporting a hickey there for weeks and I make sure it’s nice and purple every chance I get.
He says the guys at Mars have been giving him shit for it. That only makes me suck on it harder.
I work my way down his body, my tongue retracing now-familiar paths across his chest. I sink my teeth into each ab muscle, left and right, left and right, all the way past his belly button to the base of his cock. Then I spend extra long minutes worshiping that sinful V.
It’s the most sensitive spot Donnie has on his body—at least as far as I’ve been able to find.
Nowhere else makes him squirm so hard or squeal so loud.
I lap at them, soaking them in my saliva, ignoring the hard length of meat that lies between them.
I don’t let up until Donnie’s begging for me, pleading for me to fuck him.
I push his legs up, knees to his chest, and dive into his ass.
He tastes delectable—earthy and musky. I go a little wild whenever I get my tongue on him down there.
He’s a lot better at letting me in now than the first time we did this.
Still, I take my time, licking into him over and over before adding my fingers into the mix.
I don’t want to hurt him, not tonight. I want everything to be smooth and silky and drag it out until we’re both molasses.
“Connor.” Donnie’s hands are in my hair, tugging and scraping. “More.”
I drizzle some lube onto my fingers and shift my mouth to his balls.
They’re so soft and delicate and the way they fill my mouth makes my groin tight with lust. I have to be careful with them, gentle with them.
Donnie’s letting me hold something so precious and I treat them with all the loving tenderness they deserve.
I let Donnie’s balls drop out of my mouth and lick a stripe up the underside of his dick.
Then I time it so my finger presses into him as his cock slides to the back of my mouth.
Donnie lets out a whine that makes my dick leak.
High and needy and I was the one who wrung it out of him. I did that. Me.
I suck his cock and fuck his ass, in and out and up and down, until Donnie’s shouting my name and pleading with me to stick my dick in him.
That’s where I want him. That’s where I want to keep him.
I roll a condom on and notch my dick against the fluttering muscles of his hole.
I lean forward to catch his mouth, then ease my way in.
It’s staggering how perfect it is to be inside him. It’s not just cock in ass. It feels like I’m somehow slotting into place with him. Like he’s carved out a piece of himself, shaped especially for me. I’m safe here. I’m wanted here. Nothing can hurt me. I belong here.
I want to crawl deeper into him. I want to stay with him forever.
His ass muscles ripple around me and it sends a surge of pleasure through me. Donnie’s unbelievable control over his body somehow extends down there too. I barely have to do anything if I don’t want to. I can just bury myself in him and let his ass muscles milk every drop of cum from my balls.
Donnie kisses me, slow and deep, exploring every inch of my mouth like he’s claiming it for himself. He’s welcome to it. He can have my mouth, my cock, any and everything he wants of me. I’ll give it to him. Willingly. Happily. His nails draw down to my ass and dig in hard.
“Come on, Connor. Fuck me,” he murmurs against my lips. I can’t say no.
I move and we both gasp at how good it feels. Our bodies come together and it’s so beautiful that I get tears in my eyes sometimes.
Like this time. Donnie’s all wrapped up around me. I’ve got my arms tucked under his body. We’re rolling against each other, slick skin on slick skin. My forehead is pressed to his and we’re breathing the same air. His cock is leaking a mess, sandwiched between our stomachs.
“Connor!”
He’s getting close. I can tell by the way his muscles start quivering, the way his ass tightens around me.
I reach between us for his dick, so hard and hot it burns my palm.
I jerk him and fuck him and kiss him and then he's spilling his cum all over my hand. His ass clamps down on me like a fucking vise and I’m coming too, hips jerking to get as deep inside him as I can.
It’s overwhelming. It’s all-consuming. It rocks me in the innermost part of my soul. Every time we come together like this it feels like I lose a little piece of myself to Donnie. And that fills me with so much joy.