Chapter 31
CHAPTER
THIRTY-ONE
DONNIE
It’s my birthday and Connor’s forced me to take the day off work even though I’m already scheduled to be off tomorrow.
He says it’s the principle of the matter—I’m not allowed to work on my birthday and apparently, he has to work tomorrow.
He doesn’t usually work on Sundays, but there’s something about a demanding client and Rick insisting, so I relented, because I can rarely say no to Connor.
He’s got a whole day of activities planned, but he won’t tell me a single thing.
I have to admit, it’s kind of nice. I haven’t had anyone make such a big deal about my birthday since Roger, and finally celebrating it again feels like another way Connor’s bringing me back from the land of merely existing.
He brings me breakfast in bed. His mother’s French toast, because it’s legitimately very good and I get to cheat on my birthday. He balances it out with a pile of fruit though, so there’s that. We sit across from each other on the bed, tray between us.
“You’re still not going to tell me what we’re doing today?” I ask, taking a sip of coffee.
“Nope.” He pops the p and looks delighted with himself.
“How am I supposed to know what to wear?”
Connor rolls his eyes. “Something you’d wear to the gym and then something comfortable to change into afterward.”
“Like my cycling gear?” I know that’s not what he means. It’s just fun to tease him.
“I mean, if you want. We’re not cycling, though. But I would approve of something tight so I can ogle your ass.” He teases right back.
Touché.
We polish off the breakfast and I insist on helping to clean up.
Connor lets me but only because it means we’ll get out of the house faster.
The day is beautiful when we step outside.
The mid-summer sun is already high in the sky and it feels like the entire city is out in force.
The subway is crowded, which only means that we don’t need an excuse to get nice and cozy with each other.
I follow Connor out of the subway and down a familiar street. “There’s a climbing gym near here,” I say as the dots connect in my brain. “It’s owned by some friends of mine.”
“Oh, really?” Connor’s all innocent and doe-eyed.
“Is that where we’re going?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
“You know about my friends, don’t you?” I put my hands on Connor’s sides where he’s ticklish and he squirms away before I can get my fingers into him.
“What friends? I don’t know anything about any friends.”
The lying liar.
Sure enough, both Leon and Tucker are there when we go inside.
“Donnie!” They come out from behind the check-in desk to swallow me up in a group hug. “You came!”
“You knew we were coming?” I ask, peering over their shoulder at Connor who looks smug as hell.
“Yeah, your…” Leon glances at Connor.
“Boyfriend,” I say and Connor beams like he’s got a spotlight on him.
“… boyfriend called to make sure we’d be here,” Leon finishes.
“Do you even remember how to climb, honey?” Tucker asks, which is a good question.
I never considered myself an avid climber, but I popped into the gym regularly enough to have my own climbing shoes. The same climbing shoes that Connor’s pulling out of his bag. Where the hell did he find those?
I shake my head at him and he smiles wider.
“I guess we’ll see.”
Connor does not have his own shoes, so Leon takes him to get him fitted up.
“How’ve you been?” Tucker asks and for the first time in ages, that question doesn’t feel like sandpaper on my soul.
“Good,” I say, completely honest. “I’m doing really well.”
“You look good.” Tucker glances over to Connor and Leon. “Especially with him.”
“Yeah.” I watch as Connor tries on a pair of shoes. “He’s been…” Good doesn’t even come close to capturing what Connor’s done for me or how he makes me feel when I look at him. It’s so incredible it takes my breath away.
Tucker gives me another hug. “Well, whatever he’s doing, it’s working.”
Connor jogs over, shoes and a chalk bag in hand. “I’m ready!”
Tucker points us toward the bouldering section of the gym, then goes back to helping other climbers.
“How did you know?” I ask, pulling Connor close.
“I found the shoes first. Don’t laugh, but I thought they were some weird kind of cycling shoes at first.”
I definitely laugh, dropping my head onto his shoulder.
“Hey, I said don’t laugh.” He pokes me in the side.
“Okay, okay. How did you figure out they weren’t cycling shoes?”
“The internet, duh. And then some Facebook stalking to figure out you used to climb here.” His smile turns sheepish. “Is it okay? That I called Leon and Tucker?”
I run my thumb across his brow, across his cheek, and finally, that delicious bottom lip that he’s got stuck out in a pout. “Yeah, it’s okay. Thank you.”
“Good, because I have no clue what to do here, so you’ll have to teach me.”
I walk him through the colored holds, how to keep his body flush with the wall, how to use his toes to push off. He looks overwhelmed by the time I’m done, eyeing the wall like it’s going to collapse on him.
“It’s not that bad. Want me to go first?”
He nods, eyes still wide. I pick a V2 route to start with—not too easy, but not hard either.
It’s been a couple years since I’ve done this, but the muscle memory should come back to me quickly.
The holds are pink and I slowly pull and push myself up the wall until I can tap out at the top.
When I climb back down, I’m breathing hard and shaking my arms out.
Connor’s eyes are like saucers. “That was so cool.”
“Yeah?” I laugh at his enthusiasm.
“Your arms. Your shoulders. Oh my god, your ass.”
“Were you just checking me out the whole time?”
“I mean, yeah, isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” he asks. So cheeky.
“Well, it’s my turn then.” I pat him on the arse for good measure.
We find a nice and easy V0 for him to start with and he flies up the wall like he’s made for it. “Can I do it again?” he asks the second his feet touch the thick, cushy mats.
We climb for a couple hours before Connor checks the time and declares that we have to go. We wash the chalk off our hands and change. When I stop to say goodbye to Leon and Tucker, they make me promise to come back again soon.
“Where to now?” I ask when we’re back out in the sunshine.
“It’s a surprise!” Connor’s eyes are shining as he takes my hand and drags me toward the subway.
The surprise takes us to Prospect Park and a group of strangers mingling around a lamppost.
“Wait here.” Connor leaves me to check in with the organizer.
My eyes track Connor as he comes toward me. He’s so gorgeous with the sun glinting off his hair and his smile makes my heart sing. I take his hand and pull him to me. I still have no idea why we’re in the park, but it doesn’t matter, as long as I have Connor by my side.
The organizer calls for our attention and then explains what we’ll be doing for the afternoon. Foraging for edible plants, then going to a kitchen nearby to cook what we find into a meal.
“Is that okay?” Connor asks softly. “It’s like, healthy and stuff.”
I plant a big fat kiss on Connor’s lips. God, I love this boy so much.
The thought ripples through me and settles deep in my soul.
Yes, I do love Connor. With my whole heart.
There’s no point in denying it anymore, no point in second-guessing myself.
I think I may have loved him since that first night at Mars when he wouldn’t let go of me in the staff break room.
I definitely loved him after he nursed me back to health.
The idea of loving someone else after Roger, of opening myself up again…
it’s terrifying. What if I lose him too?
Does this mean I love Roger less? But it’s not about the fear, I realize.
It’s about the potential of something beautiful and what Connor and I have growing between us is nothing short of dazzling.
“It’s perfect.”
A tiny bit of pink highlights Connor’s cheeks and I argue myself down from taking him home right this minute.
As it is, I don’t catch much of what our tour guide says.
I’m too preoccupied with watching Connor as he roots through the foliage.
He’s adorable as he compares pictures on his phone to the plants growing out of the ground.
We’re being led out of the park to the kitchen when Connor suddenly ducks behind me.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. Keep going.” Connor keeps his head down and urges me to walk faster.
I scan the area around us but I don’t see anyone I recognize. “Connor? What’s going on?”
“Nothing! It’s just…” He peeks around my shoulder and I follow his line of sight to a group of people throwing a frisbee around on the grass. “Miles and Wyatt are over there. That’s… the friends I used to hang out with.”
My arm wraps around him automatically, keeping him behind me like those monsters are going to storm over here and hurt him somehow. I recognize Miles now. He’s all wrapped up in another guy and they’re laughing like they’re having the time of their lives. Well, good for them. Because so are we.
I maneuver us toward the other side of the group we’re with so there’s no chance of Connor being spotted. “You okay?”
Connor’s not smiling the way he was a minute ago, but he doesn’t look upset either. Still, they’ve stolen his sunshine away and that’s not okay with me. “Yeah, I’m okay. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t wanna have to talk to them.”
That’s more than fair. I wouldn’t want him talking to them either. “What about the other people? You said they were your friends?” He hasn’t talked about any of them before and I’ve never thought too much about it.
Connor shrugs and scrunches up his face. “Yeah, but they’re more Miles’s friends than mine. Anyway, I don’t really miss any of them.” He smiles at me and I search for any tension in his expression. I don’t find any.
It doesn’t sit well with me though. Connor ended up with me that fateful night because he didn’t have anywhere else to go, no other friends he felt comfortable enough calling up.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last several years, anything that Connor’s reminded me of, it’s that having a community is important.
And a community of just me isn’t enough, even if I do want to keep Connor all to myself.
I file the thought away for later as we arrive at a stainless-steel teaching kitchen and are given matching aprons. Connor insists on photos—for his office, he says—and so I obediently pose for as many as he wants.
By the time we get home, I’m desperate to strip Connor down and tumble into bed.
I push him up against the wall the second the front door is closed and Connor groans into my mouth.
He tastes like the creamy mushroom sauce we made with way too much butter.
I chase every last drop of it through his mouth.
“Happy birthday, Donnie,” he says when I finally let us up for air.
I stare into his eyes, feeling like my heart is bursting, feeling like I’m so full of joy I’m going to drown in it. “I love you.”
Connor blinks, then gasps. He looks stunned. “Really?”
I chuckle, because of course that’s how he reacts. “Yeah, really. I really, really love you.”
His bottom lip comes out and his eyes grow watery with tears. “I love you too.”
I know he does but hearing it does something to me. It changes me.
When he slides into my body later, I can’t hold back the tears of joy. He fits himself physically inside my body, just like he’s fit himself spiritually inside my heart. Perfectly, he fits perfectly.
“I love you. I love you,” I whisper to him.
He kisses away my tears and whispers back, “I love you. I love you.”
We make love all night, dragging it out until we’re both desperate for release. When we finally come, it feels like we’re being torn to pieces. I give a piece of myself to him, and he gives a piece of himself to me.