Chapter 19 #2
But when I saw Preston’s head snap back at the impact of the ball.
When I watched him crumple to the ground and I was too far away to catch him.
God, it felt like the world was ending. All the worst-case scenarios flashed through my mind.
Concussion. Traumatic brain injury. Broken neck.
Paralysis. The possibility of losing Preston became frighteningly real.
The mere thought of it sends pain slicing through me and I rub my chest where there’s a lingering ache. I never want to experience anything like that ever again. If that pain is even a fraction of what it’s like to lose the person I love, I’ll never survive the real thing. I won’t want to.
When I manage to pull myself together, I slip quietly out of the room and head downstairs in search of dinner. Mom’s in the kitchen when I get there, sitting off to the side and chatting to Nina, the Boyers’ chef, as she directs the rest of the kitchen staff.
“How come you’re not having dinner in there?” I point to the formal dining room where the rest of the party has gathered.
Mom rolls her eyes. “Please, as if I want to sit through a stuffy meal with them.” Then her expression softens. “How is he?”
I take a slow breath, still a little shaky from the adrenaline. “He’s okay. Sleeping.”
“Good.” Mom waves me over to a small table in the corner that’s already set for two. “I asked Nina to make up these for us. I figured you wouldn’t be in the mood for Thanksgiving dinner with a roomful of strangers.”
We take our seats and Mom cuts right to the chase. “Alright, talk to me.”
I set my fork down again without taking a single bite, not sure where to start. This whole thing happened so suddenly I haven’t really had time to process it myself. “I… Preston and I…”
Mom doesn’t speak, waiting me out with her practiced silence.
“We…” had sex. Yeah, I’m not saying that to my mother. Fuck. How am I supposed to talk about this without mentioning sex to my mother? “There’s been a development.”
“A development.”
“In our relationship.”
Mom scoops up a forkful of stuffing and lifts it toward her mouth. “You finally admitted your feelings to each other?”
Her question is so unexpected it completely throws off my train of thought. I’ve never told my mom about my feelings for Preston. “Uh… what?”
Mom sighs like she’s explaining the most obvious thing in the world. “Your feelings, that you and Preston have for each other.”
“How do you—wait, no. It’s not— Preston doesn’t— It’s just my—”
Mom cuts me off with a simple raised hand. “You’re in love with Preston. You have been since high school.”
Not that it’s news to me, but hearing it come out of her mouth so matter-of-factly shocks me into a stupor. “How did you know about that?”
“Sawyer, please. I have eyes. I’ve been in love before. It’s not like you’re very subtle. Preston’s in love with you too. Maybe not since high school, but for long enough.”
“No, he isn’t. He isn’t into guys.” My gut twists as the words leave my mouth.
He seemed plenty into it while I was sliding my cock in and out of his mouth last night.
The problem is, how long will that last?
When will he lose interest? When will he decide that, actually, he’s not that fond of dick after all?
Mom looks unconvinced. “Are you sure?”
“Okay, okay, he might be into guys—for now. But he’s not in love with me.”
“But you are in love with him,” she says pointedly.
“Well, yeah,” I respond in a mutter. I grab the fork and push food around my plate to keep my hands occupied. I’m suddenly not hungry anymore.
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised Mom knows how I feel about Preston, that she’s apparently known for years. She and I are close, even though I haven’t shared this particular part of my life with her. And she’s always had that creepy mom thing where it feels like she can read my mind.
“And you told him?”
“No.”
“I thought you said—” Her eyebrows shoot up as understanding dawns. “Oh, I see, the developments are more physical in nature?”
I groan and drop my head into my hand.
“Hence the ‘into guys’ thing.” Mom nods pensively. “Why do you think it’s only for now?”
“Because,” I say with a note of incredulity. “Preston’s never shown any interest in guys before. He’s probably just experimenting. He is a scientist after all.”
Mom cocks her head thoughtfully. “Has Preston ever shown any interest in anyone?”
The unexpected question takes me aback. “Uh, no, not really. Why?”
“There’s a term for that, isn’t there?” She grabs her phone and starts scrolling through it. “I listened to a podcast about it recently. What did they call it?”
I blink at the sudden shift in the conversation. “Do you mean asexual?”
“Yes!” She points at me. “Asexual. And there are a bunch of variations, aren’t there?”
I sit back in my chair, dumbfounded. “Yeah.”
I’d always assumed Preston was some sort of asexual or aromantic. But what if he’s actually demisexual? “If he’s demisexual, then he’d only feel attraction to people he already has an emotional connection with. That could explain why he’s never been interested in anyone before.”
“So maybe he hasn’t been ‘into guys’ before now because you’re the only guy he spends any significant amount of time with?”
My heart thuds at the possibility. “Maybe?”
Mom plants her elbows on the table and clasps her hands together, leaning forward to stare me straight in the eyes. “Sweetheart, listen. I saw the way he looked at you earlier. That boy is just as in love with you as you are with him. The difference is, he probably doesn’t realize it yet.”
I stare back at her, letting her words sink in. God, I really want her to be right, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to believe her.
Mom breaks the stare first, going back to her dinner. “How did this whole physical development come about anyway?” She waves her fork at me when she says “Physical development”, and I have to suppress a shudder.
“Um, Preston showed up at Mars a few days ago and kissed me?”
Mom’s eyebrows skyrocket. “Just like that? Out of the blue?”
It certainly felt out of the blue when Preston launched himself at me in the break room. But as much as I want to deny it, there have been signs since September. I just didn’t know what they meant.
Mom narrows her eyes thoughtfully before I can answer her. “Haven’t you been seeing a new guy recently?”
I groan as the reminder hits me with a fresh burst of guilt. “Yeah, Fitz. It was going really well too.”
“Oh, honey.” She smiles like the answer is already written on the wall.
I grimace, not wanting to acknowledge the suspicion that’s been teasing at the back of my mind.
“You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”
I push away my plate so I can bang my forehead on the table.
Mom doesn’t spare me. “Let me recap. You start seeing someone else, spending time with that someone else, maybe spending less time with Preston? Could it be that he got jealous?”
“But I’ve dated other people before,” I object. “He’s never reacted this way with any of them.”
“True. But you said things were going well with Fitz. Better than with other people?”
“Yeah, but…”
“But what?”
I hesitate. Preston’s always been this forbidden fruit. I can get close, I can even touch, but I can’t take. And now that I’ve taken, I’m waiting for the curse to strike. Because it can’t possibly be this easy. It’s too good to be true.
“You’re scared,” Mom says. A statement, not a question.
My heart thuds against my ribs and my throat is tight with emotion. “What if he doesn’t love me back?” I whisper, afraid that speaking the words too loudly will make them come true.
Mom waits several beats before answering me in the same hushed tone. “That’s a risk you’ll have to take.”
I shake my head. “It’s too risky. I can’t do it.”
“Yes, you can.” There’s such confidence in her voice, a level of conviction I certainly don’t feel.
“Every relationship is risky. But that doesn’t mean we don’t try.
You can’t let fear keep you from living your life.
You have to go after the things you want, even if you might not get them.
That’s especially true when it comes to love. ”
The prospect is terrifying, and it would be so much easier to stay where it’s comfortable and safe. But I’m not sure that’s an option anymore, not after the events of this week. I really, really hope Mom is right. The alternative is unacceptable.