Chapter 3
After breakfast, Mary went up to her room again. She had one task to take care of there before she left to go shopping.
She went over to her bookshelf. There were very few books on it, since most of the books she read belonged to her father. However, it was quite full of stacks of papers, all of which contained her notes and her extracts.
She had intended to burn it all, but she quickly realized that if she threw that much paper into the fire all at once, it might just spread and burn the entire house down. So, she selected the notes about the book she had hated the most and tossed those into the fire.
The feeling of catharsis as she watched the hated extracts burn was heady indeed, and she was once again tempted to simply toss everything in and watch it all burn, taking her torturous past with it.
She did not give in. Instead, she promised herself she would burn more when she returned from shopping.
She put on her pelisse, gloves, and cloak. Then, on her way out the door, she gathered the few books that were not her own. Once downstairs, she headed for her father’s bookroom. He was clearly in there, so she knocked.
“Come in,” came the call from within.
“I have come to return your books,” she said once inside.
“All of them?” asked her father.
“Yes, all of them,” said Mary firmly.
“And what will you be studying next?” he asked.
“Nothing, Father,” she said.
He looked at her disbelievingly. “Nothing at all? That does not sound like you, Mary.”
“Perhaps,” she said. Inside, she was thinking that nothing she was about to do sounded like the Mary everyone knew. Nevertheless, she would do it. If no one else would give her the attention she craved, she would do it herself.
Father and daughter stared at each other for several seconds, each waiting for the other to say something. Eventually, Mary said, “Well, if you will excuse me, I will take my leave.”
He took a bit longer to reply than was natural, but he eventually said, “Of course. Enjoy your outing.”
“Thank you,” she said. Once Mary’s back was to him as she headed out the door, she smiled. She would indeed enjoy her outing.
There was one last thing to do before leaving the house. She headed for the parlor where Mama was surrounded by her sewing materials, working on some sort of project as she waited for her callers. Today was Mama’s at-home day.
“Mama, I was hoping you could give me some money for a new bonnet and, perhaps, a few ribbons and such.”
Mama’s jaw dropped visibly in her surprise. “Have you spent all your quarterly allowance already? That is very unlike you, Mary.”
Even in this new selfishness, Mary would not utter a lie. Since she still had most of her allowance left, she said, “I am sorry, Mama.”
In truth, she would spend her mother’s money on a bonnet and various furbelows just as she had said, but that was not because she didn’t have any of her own.
In fact, she had saved quite a bit over the last four years since she had begun getting a much larger pocket allowance.
However, with her newfound selfishness, she decided that she wished to spend her own money on her own hobbies rather than on her clothing.
In asking her mother for additional money, she was only copying the way Lydia used to behave and the way Kitty still did sometimes. Neither of them had ever been able to make their quarterly allowance stretch to last the full three months.
Mama sighed and got up. “Wait here,” she said and left the room.
When she returned, she handed Mary five guineas. It was half as much as her quarterly allowance, and Mary was stunned her mother would give her so much at once. She had hoped to receive a crown or two. She would have been overjoyed at a guinea. Five of them was almost too much.
“Make it last,” Mama said. “I will not give you more until next year at the earliest.” After a pause while Mary tried to decide how best to respond, Mama added, “Honestly, I think it will be good for you to spend a little more attention to your dress and appearance.”
Mary had never truly neglected her appearance, and Mama had always insisted on a certain standard, but at the same time, she had never spent as much time and attention on it as any other of her sisters.
Time spent on appearance invariably took away from time spent on more substantial subjects.
At least, that was what she had believed.
It was time to change that.
“Thank you, Mama,” said Mary fervently as she kissed her mother’s cheek in gratitude.
Finally, she headed out the front door and into the brisk chill of a November morning.
As Mary walked toward Meryton, she tried not to think too hard about anything. She simply breathed in the fresh air and took in the nature all around her, tired, brown, and sleepy as it was.
Upon reaching the market town, her first stop was the only general store. She did not usually come here. Rather, the few times she did go shopping, it was either to the drapers, the haberdashery, or the bookshop.
Upon entering, she did not stop to look around. She went straight up the proprietor, Mr. Higgs.
“I am looking for something specific, though I do not know how to go about finding it. I was wondering if you knew how I could go about purchasing a bow and some practice arrows to go with it.”
Mr. Higgs’ eyebrows rose almost to his hairline. “I did not know your father allowed you young ladies to practice such a sport,” he said.
Mary wanted to say, “My father cares little what I do as long as I stay out of his library,” but she did not. Instead, she said, “I am certain it will be acceptable to him as long as I practice well away from the house.”
“Then perhaps it would be better for your father to acquire your equipment,” said Mr. Higgs.
“He is absorbed in his books and his study. I am simply doing him a favor by acquiring my own supplies,” said Mary.
Mr. Higgs sighed. “It is rather irregular, Miss Bennet, but it is as you say. I suspect Mr. Bennet would not wish to come all this way for such a simple errand. If you are certain this is what you wish, I can order the supplies for you. It will take about a week, but I can get you a bow, arrows, and the necessary paraphernalia to carry and store them.”
“Thank you, Mr. Higgs. I am much obliged,” said Mary. “Please do not send them to Longbourn. I will return in a weeks’ time to pick them up myself.”
He gave her a rather suspicious look but said nothing. Instead, he named a price, and Mary paid it out of her own money. As she had told her mother, she would only spend Mama’s money on her clothing and appearance.
Mary left the store absolutely elated. She had always wished to learn archery ever since she had read the tales of Robin Hood.
It was one of the few sports that was acceptable to be enjoyed by both gentlemen and ladies, though it was less popular now than it had been in the previous century.
Considering that Mary’s favorite place to be was the woods, she couldn’t imagine a better new hobby than finally learning how to shoot a bow.
Her next stop was the milliner’s. There she purchased a new bonnet and some trimmings for it. She also purchased a new pair of brown leather gloves which would be perfect for keeping her hands warm and protected during archery practice.
Additionally, she acquired two other pairs of more decorative gloves and several other little bits and bobs. She requested that it all be delivered to Longbourn. Then she paid for them with Mama’s money, which she had kept in a separate coin purse.
Her last stop was the bookshop. For once, she was not there to purchase some weighty tome of philosophy or history. This time she had a very different topic in mind.
“Mrs. Hampton, it is good to see you this morning,” said Mary upon entering.
“Ah, Miss Bennet. What can I help you find, today?”
“I am looking for a book on botany and another on gardening. Do you have anything like that in your inventory?”
“There isn’t much call for books on gardening, Miss,” said Mrs. Hampton, “at least not in these parts. Everyone around here learns what they need to know from their parents or siblings. However, it wouldn’t be difficult to order something for you.
As for botany, I have a book that discusses medicinal herbs, but not much else on the subject. ”
“I will take the medicinal herbs book,” said Mary. “And could you please order a book that contains information on how to grow produce in a greenhouse?”
“Of course, Miss Bennet,” said the lady. “Would you like me to have both books delivered when the new one arrives?”
“No, I will take the one you have here with me,” said Mary. “As for the one you will order, I will return in a week to retrieve it myself, if that is acceptable.”
“Of course,” said Mrs. Hampton. Unlike Mr. Higgs, she was not surprised in the least that Mary would not want it delivered. At least she showed no such emotion on her face.
Mary walked home with a significantly lighter purse and an even lighter heart.
She had paved the way for new hobbies, and she had made purchases that would spruce up her appearance a bit.
She knew the bonnet, ribbons, and gloves would make little real difference in how pretty she seemed, but it would make a great deal of difference to her neglected heart to be shown some care even if it was only herself that was showing it.
For the next week, Mary spent a good portion of her time sewing in the parlor.
She also made two additional shopping trips into Meryton, one of which was to order a new evening gown in a color that was not white.
The other trip was simply to browse around and purchase something that pleased her.
She came away with a little glass sheep and a sweet roll from the bakery.
Another thing she did during the week she was waiting for her bow and her book on gardening was that she took the opportunity almost every day to walk in the woods.
She didn’t just walk, however. Once within the embrace of the trees, out of sight of everyone, she began to sing.
As the feeling of the music moved through her, she swayed with it or moved her head in rhythm.
With faster, more powerful, songs she would sometimes twirl or leap about.
In short, she did what she had never truly allowed herself to do before.
She allowed the music to move through her, and she moved with the music.
Mary knew that moving like this was absolutely frowned upon.
Dancing was intended to be controlled and graceful.
Performing on the piano was meant to be accurate, which could not be done when one danced in their seat as they played.
The way she moved while dancing in the forest was wild and free, something that was entirely unacceptable in her society.
This was the true reason Mary was so controlled, so pedantic, when she played the piano or sang for company.
She felt the music too much to be able to express it in any acceptable manner.
The only way she had ever been able to garner any praise whatsoever was by completely suppressing all emotion and playing the piano as if she was adding up a column of numbers.
As she spent time each day letting go of all restraint and allowing herself to behave the way she truly wished to behave, Mary felt a growing sense of peace within her. Her heart was being fed the affection and attention it wanted. Her feelings flowed as they wished.
By the time her purchases were ready to be retrieved from Meryton, Mary had developed a renewed sense of confidence.
Once she had returned home with them, she took it all up to her room.
Fortunately, she managed to avoid awkward questions since Mama and Kitty were out visiting, and Papa was in his bookroom with the door closed.
Mary hid the bow and arrows under her bed, and she placed the book on gardening on her desk.
She hesitated, however, before sitting down to study it.
A feeling of fear hit her as she prepared to do so. The sight of her desk reminded her of the many days and many, many hours she had sat there feeling trapped, forcing herself to try to make sense of the nonsensical, slaving away over the effort it took to learn Italian and French.
She looked from her new book on gardening and back to her book on medicinal herbs which she had glanced through over the past week. Then she looked at the shelves which were now nearly empty, since most of her notes and extracts had been gradually burned over the last week.
She took a few deep breaths and reminded herself that this time would be different. She would be learning things she truly wished to know rather than what society dictated an accomplished young lady should learn.
Slowly, Mary settled into the chair in front of her desk. She took out a sheet of paper and readied her pen and ink, so that she could take notes when she needed to. Then she opened the book on gardening.
Four hours later, Mary was startled out of her fascinating studies when Sarah entered the room and told her it was time to prepare for dinner.