Chapter 10
What followed were the two happiest weeks of Mary’s life.
Every day that she could get away, she met Mr. Porter at the bridge in the woods.
Between her mother’s demands and poor weather, this ended up being only about half the time.
Even so, each hour spent in Mr. Porter’s company was the height of pleasure for Mary.
When she was not in his company, her joy was marred by warnings from her conscience and fear of her certain heartbreak which would inevitably follow his departure. Even so, her joy shouted far louder than her concerns, and she was mostly happy.
She spent hours looking over the drawings they had made together, each of them adding a detail here or there that the other had not noticed.
She spent more hours attempting to sketch her memories of him, sometimes bending over a plant and sometimes looking at her with interest as she spoke.
Of course, she kept these drawings locked away in her desk in her room.
On April tenth, an assembly in Meryton was scheduled.
Typically, there was one approximately each quarter.
The last had been held in early January, just before Kitty’s wedding.
The Mary Circle could talk of little else for the three weeks prior.
They had each been working on a new gown for the occasion and getting each other’s opinions on the details as they worked.
In addition to chatting over their gowns, there was much speculation as to how many gentlemen would be there. Their small social circle had about twelve young ladies who were unmarried between the ages of sixteen and thirty. However, there were only six unmarried gentlemen in that same age range.
With such an imbalance, assemblies and balls were inevitably a time of compromise. Often some of the married gentlemen would step in to partner the young ladies who were left out. Even with their help, however, there were often ladies, even married ones, who wished to dance who could not.
If desperate enough, these ladies would occasionally dance together with one of them taking the male role.
This was something Mary had never done, however.
While she liked to dance, she would rather sit quietly in a corner hiding her rejected status than flaunting it boldly by dancing with another lady.
Miss Lucas and Miss King, however, made a pact that if ever they were both without a partner, they would stand up with each other. Instead of internally censuring them for not behaving as she would, Mary was rather jealous of their bravery.
Eventually, their gowns were complete, and every modification was finished. The three young ladies took an afternoon showing each other their finery and planning out what accessories they would wear. The next day was the assembly.
All went well with Mary’s preparations. Her hair turned out well, and when she looked in the mirror, she saw that, overall, she had turned out as well as she could expect. Even in her own eyes, eyes which knew how very plain she was, she looked almost pretty.
Pleased with her efforts, she descended the stairs and waited with her parents for the carriage to be ready.
As she walked into the assembly rooms with both her parents, Mary felt unaccountably confident.
She knew herself to be well-dressed, and she was comfortable in herself.
After two years of granting every one of her selfish wishes she possibly could, she had done a great deal to reverse all the neglect she had faced during the nineteen previous years.
She was not pleased, however, when Jacob Lucas almost immediately asked her for her first dance.
She accepted, of course. She was certain she would never turn down an opportunity to dance.
Even so, it was a begrudging acceptance.
She had never forgiven him for the role he played in her intense heartbreak on the day of Elizabeth’s and Jane’s wedding.
Once her first dance had been secured, Jacob walked away, heading for a small group of young men in the corner. With him gone, Mary looked around for her friends.
Miss Lucas was already there, but Miss King had apparently not yet arrived. Mary and Miss Lucas chatted as they waited for their friend who arrived ten minutes later.
Mary enjoyed this assembly more than any other she could remember. There was something about the joy she felt while walking and talking with Mr. Porter that carried over into her behavior and even her looks. She received more compliments and more requests for dances than she could ever remember.
Throughout the evening, she was aware of Mr. Porter’s presence. Though she tried to resist his pull, she could not prevent her attention from being drawn by him. Thus, she was aware of, and admittedly jealous of, every lady he stood up with.
Finally, when there were only two dances left, Mr. Porter approached Mary. “Miss Bennet,” he said, “I was hoping to secure your last dance of the evening.”
Mary opened her mouth to accept, but she closed it without uttering a sound. In that moment, she realized that she couldn’t possibly accept his offer.
If she danced with him, it would be impossible to hide how very much she loved him.
While she no longer cared whether he knew of her feelings, she cared very much whether her neighbors knew.
If her feelings were widely known in the neighborhood, there would be no end to the gossip and rumors that would circulate when he inevitably left.
“I…” she said. Then she stopped once again.
The refusal she must give stuck in her throat.
She cleared it and forced herself to be strong.
She wished she could simply tell him that her last dance was taken, but it was not, and she could not lie to him.
With a great effort, she said, “I am afraid I cannot.”
“I knew I should have asked earlier,” said Mr. Porter. “I suppose your last dance is taken.”
Mary felt her cheeks flame in embarrassment. “It is not,” she managed to force out.
The look of surprise and hurt on Mr. Porter’s face was more than she could bear. She turned her gaze to the floor so she would not have to see it.
There was silence between them for quite some time, but she could tell by the position of his boots that he had not moved away.
“Does that mean I will no longer see you by the bridge?” he asked quietly enough that no one else could possibly hear.
Mary’s gaze immediately flew back to his face as she said firmly, “I will be there tomorrow, same as always.”
With a puzzled expression, he said, “I am glad to hear it.” Then he turned and walked away.
Mary watched him and wondered if she had just made a mistake that she would regret for the rest of her life.
~~~~~
Mary found it difficult to sleep that night.
She tossed and turned, thinking over all the time she had spent in Mr. Porter’s company.
She remembered how very good a team they were when playing cards.
She replayed the many times they had drawn a new plant together with their heads close together, bent over a single sheet of paper.
She remembered the intense feelings of attraction she felt for the man, and those were the feelings that were hardest to chase away.
When she finally slept, it was only for a couple of hours before the bright sunlight broke through the curtains waking her up. Somehow, immediately upon waking, Mary knew she must take action. She could not continue as she was with Mr. Porter.
The most sensible action would be to not meet him again.
Everything in her knew that such was the correct course of action.
Even so, she could not prevent herself from going to him.
It was impossible to know he was waiting for her and prevent herself from taking the opportunity to see him, to have his undivided attention.
Not knowing what else to do, she resorted to her old habit of writing a letter, but this time she would do something a little different.
Before getting dressed, before brushing her hair, even before washing her face, Mary sat at her desk and poured out her feelings onto paper. With all the willpower she could muster, she hoped and prayed that this time, by some miracle, she would find a way to break Mr. Porter’s hold on her heart.
It was nearly noon by the time Mary descended the stairs.
Given that assemblies invariably ran well into the morning hours, it was not surprising or even out of the ordinary.
What was unusual was that Mary had only slept a couple of hours.
Despite this, she felt wide awake and almost jumpy as if she was anticipating some sort of momentous occasion.
She had barely finished her breakfast when Miss Lucas and Miss King arrived.
They always gathered on the day after assemblies or big parties to discuss the events that had occurred.
Though Mary did not feel as though she had much to share, she was grateful for their friendly, cheerful chatter which distracted her from anticipating her plans to go to the woods later.
Mary was entirely caught off-guard when, fifteen minutes into their conversation, Miss King said, “You looked remarkably well last night, Mary. Have you been doing anything different lately?”
Mary knew she was asking about skin care or hair care or something along those lines, and she was certainly not doing anything unusual there.
Still, she could not help but think of the fact that she had been doing something quite different by meeting Mr. Porter in the woods.
She couldn’t prevent the corners of her lips from tilting upward just the tiniest bit.
“I knew it,” said Miss Lucas, immediately noticing the hint of a smile on Mary’s face.
“You are doing something different. Even my brother noticed it. Do you know, on the way home he said that he thought you were quite pretty last night? He hardly ever compliments the ladies in our neighborhood. I would not be surprised if he pays you more attention from now on.”
“I hope not.” The words darted from Mary’s mouth before she could stop them.
“Do you not like Mr. Lucas?” asked Miss King. “I have always thought him quite handsome.”
Mary took a deep breath so that she could respond calmly.
“He is handsome. I suppose it is only that I have known him for so long that I don’t think I could ever consider him as a suitor.
” She knew it was more than that, but she couldn’t possibly explain to his sister that she could barely stand the sight of him, because she was holding a two-year-old, completely irrational, grudge against him.
“Well, if you do not want him, feel free to send him my way,” said Miss King, shocking both Miss Lucas and Mary.
Miss Lucas recovered first. “Do you mean that you like my brother?” she asked.
Miss King blushed, but she said, “Very much. He has always been polite and kind to me, and I truly think him the best-looking gentleman in the neighborhood. If only I didn’t have such freckles, I might not feel it to be so hopeless.”
“There is no need to feel that way,” said Miss Lucas.
“When it comes to marriage, every gentleman likes something different. Some care very little about your complexion and care more for your figure. Some only look for a lady who is pleasant or kind or cheerful or humorous. I cannot count the number of times I have heard one lady or another complimented by some gentleman within my hearing for at least a hundred different things. Why just a couple of weeks ago, I heard Mr. Goulding say how nice your smile is.”
“Mr. Alan Goulding?” asked Miss King incredulously. Alan Goulding was only a couple of years older than Miss King, and he had shown no real interest in any local lady.
“Not him. His Father,” said Miss Lucas.
“But he is sixty years old,” cried Miss King. “Why would I want a compliment from a wrinkly old man who has been married for donkey’s years?”
“Because it proves my point,” said Miss Lucas. “You have a nice smile, wonderfully naturally curly hair, and a pleasant personality. Honestly, you are the kindest lady in the neighborhood. There are plenty of gentlemen who would consider themselves lucky if they could win your admiration.”
“Just not Jacob,” said Miss King quietly.
“My brother is not looking for a wife right now,” said Miss Lucas firmly. “When he does finally get around to it, I am certain you have just as much chance as anyone.”
“I have heard that a woman in love is far more beautiful and attractive than she might otherwise be,” said Mary. If true, it was likely that such was the reason she had been asked to dance so much at the assembly.
“Why would that be, do you think?” asked Miss King.
“I am not certain why, but I do believe it is true,” said Mary.
“Perhaps it is because it makes you happy, and a happy countenance makes you prettier. Or perhaps it is because it simply makes you brighter or lighter. I do not know. But if it is true, then you have just as much chance of winning Jacob’s affection as any other lady if you truly love him. ”
“Oh, I do hope it is true,” said Miss King. “I don’t think I love him now. It is just admiration, but given the slightest encouragement, it could certainly bloom into love easily enough.”
“I truly wish you luck,” said Mary.
The conversation shifted back to discussing last night’s events, and time slowly moved on.
At half past one, The Mary Circle broke up. Miss King and Miss Lucas left for home, and Mary headed upstairs to don her outerwear. Once her pelisse was buttoned up completely, she put the letter to Mr. Porter in her pocket. Then she put her bonnet on and turned toward the door.
As she reached for the handle, she paused and turned around. On a whim, she reached under her bed for her bow and quiver. Then she headed outside.