5. The Regret
CHAPTER FIVE
THE REGRET
Layla
Oh God.
What have I done?
Right now, a random stranger on the internet is reading one of the filthiest books I’ve ever read (and that’s saying a lot), and soon, we’re going to discuss the themes to see if what I want to try is even feasible. Which… it probably isn’t because the book is about a vampire and his human doll. It’s raunchy with no plot, but I’ve read it at least a hundred times. Sol, the protagonist, and Drake, the vampire, could be considered family members at this point. Is it Twilight fan fiction? Sure. But it’s well-written—and I want to try some of the things Sol and Drake do with someone in real life. I’m just not sure if it’s realistic.
Every time I stop and think about Starboy reading it, I cringe.
What the hell was I thinking?
I have the day off from performing and the hour-long intensive I run two days a week, so I walk to my dad’s house in order to take my mind off a stranger reading lines such as:
I want you to be addicted to this kind of pleasure, little doll.
I’m looking forward to turning you into my slutty little toy so that you exist only to bring me pleasure.
Is that what you want? To be my fuckbunny?
Bend over and spread those creamy thighs. Good girl…
Doesn’t this feel nice? You were scared for nothing. Let Daddy take care of you and fill your pucker with my cum.
The thought of someone else reading how affectionately cruel Drake is to Sol… the things they do together…
I put my phone on Do Not Disturb as I walk up to my dad’s house. To my surprise, Orion is sitting on the front porch. He doesn’t see me at first, enraptured with something on his phone. I debate turning around because the last thing I need is to get into it with my stepbrother. But just as I take a step back, his head snaps up.
“Hey,” he says quickly, pocketing his phone and standing.
“Hi,” I reply, waving as I walk up. “Why are you out here?”
Orion shrugs, smirking. “It’s a nice day. Scott’s out getting burgers. Want me to text him to grab you one?”
Do I?
I mean… I wasn’t planning on spending my afternoon with Orion, but I also don’t want to give up an afternoon spent with my dad. I can do this. I’ll need to get used to him again at some point. For half a second, I let my eyes wander down his white T-shirt, the tattoos on his right arm, and the way his hair is artfully messy. He’s in dark jeans and those damn motorcycle boots again.
I can handle this.
I can handle this.
I can handle this.
“Yeah, sure.”
His eyes linger on my bare legs for a minute before he gives me a coy, little smile and pulls his phone back out, sending a text to my dad. When he’s done, he gestures for me to sit down.
“Care to join me? I was just reading.”
“What are you reading?” I ask, crossing my arms and not moving from the front yard. If I get closer, I’ll only be more tempted to stare at him up close.
“Just doing a little research for someone special.”
White-hot jealousy spikes through me so intensely that I physically rear back. “Oh? I didn’t know you were dating someone.” There’s a bite to my words, and Orion definitely notices because his eyebrows shoot up.
Sometimes I think he’s forgotten that I grew up with him and that I can read him like the back of my hand. His expression flicks between a few different emotions—confusion, amusement, and then he hesitates. Like he’s measuring me up. And then he schools his expression into something wary and uncomfortable.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asks, squinting at me and rubbing the back of his neck.
What I want is to know who he’s dating because, as far as I know, Orion doesn’t date. Ever. Then again, me being jealous is hypocritical. I have no right to be jealous of anyone he may be seeing.
“Uh, okay,” I say slowly.
“Let’s go inside.”
Following him inside, my mind is ringing with curiosity.
Just doing a little research for someone special.
I know from Zoe that he’s in the lifestyle like her and her husband, Liam.
My stomach clenches with both envy and fascination at the thought of Orion being into something kinky. I don’t know much about any of it, aside from what I’ve researched about the kinks that interest me, but I’m curious.
Over the past couple of years, Zoe had implied that he wasn’t interested in dating, but I suppose I should’ve known better. As I recall, he was a player in high school, and when I got older, I remember seeing him with different women every week. Even last year, at Zoe and Liam’s wedding, he’d been chatting up some brunette woman.
It makes sense that he’d be dating someone.
Orion walks to the fridge and pulls out two sodas for us, and I quickly thank him.
Leaning against the counter, neither of us says anything as we sip our drinks. After a minute, he pretends to go through the mail lying on the kitchen island, and I let myself study him from behind.
What is he into? Zoe never told me, but now I’m curious.
And why do I want to know something like that about my stepbrother?
“How’s the new bar?” I ask, hoping to cut through the awkward silence.
“Fine,” he answers with his back still to me.
“What’s it called? Maybe I can go with Zoe for our next girls’ night,” I offer.
His whole body stiffens before he turns around. “It’s not exactly a girls’ night establishment,” he replies, lips twitching before crossing his arms.
My brows furrow. “Oh?”
All of a sudden, the front door opens, and my dad hollers into the house. “Hello! I come bearing cheeseburgers.”
I don’t look away from Orion as he huffs a laugh and walks out of the kitchen.
What the hell was that?
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I text my friends as I hear Orion helping my dad unpack the cheeseburgers in the dining room.
What’s Orion’s new bar called? Maybe we can go for our next girl’s night.
Remy
Omg.
Zoe
umm …
What?
Remy
It’s a kink club.
My heart stutters. Orion’s new bar is a kink club?!
I’m not opposed to that.
Remy
It’s called Inferno.
Inferno… like the place Starboy1997 posted about last week? He’d given a list of safe places to explore kinks on one of his posts, and that was one of them. I remember it because I was surprised Crestwood had a kink club.
I’ve heard of it.
Zoe
you have? *wide eyes emoji*
Yeah. I follow this influencer who talked about it.
Remy
Please tell me that my sweet baby Layla is a Starboy fan…
You know him?
Zoe
i dont think there are many people in the lifestyle who dont know him
He seems nice.
Remy
If you call whips and chains nice, sure.
My heart is beating so fast that I’m panting. I’m taking in this information like a sponge, eager to absorb all the information I can about the mysterious Starboy.
I sent him a dm, and we’ve been talking…
Zoe
hold on… you and starboy are talking? about what?
*smirking emoji*
Remy
My mind is officially blown.
Zoe
im honestly offended we werent notified immediately but okay *eye roll emoji*
I laugh, and just as I type out a quick response with a promise to tell them everything the next time I see them, someone clears their throat from the doorway.
“Ready?” Orion asks, studying me as I pocket my phone. “The food is here.”
I want to ask him if he knows Starboy.
What exactly is his new kink club all about, and why did he open one? I always assumed he was casual about it, but then again, no one ever told me anything. Zoe, bless her, called me her little vanilla bean.
My mind is bursting with unasked questions, but all I can do is nod. “Okay. Be right there.”
The conversation flows easily as we eat, and I even manage to steal a few of Orion’s fries when I finish mine. He rolls his eyes before handing the rest to me, and I realize with a start that I haven’t stolen food off his plate since before we stopped talking.
“Read any good books lately?” my dad asks me.
Oh God. Talking to my dad about books is always super awkward. My reading tastes have evolved since I lived under his roof, and despite our similar love of books, our reading tastes couldn’t be more different.
He likes historical fiction, and I like books where the hero tells the heroine, I love seeing my pretty little slut mouth take my cock.
“Oh, you know I always defer back to the classics. I’m rereading The Hobbit .”
Orion coughs, drumming his fist against his chest a couple of times. “Went down the wrong pipe,” he says, clearing his throat.
“That’s nice. Orion said you’re going to Phantom of the Opera next week. That will be nice for the two of you.”
I nod, picking at the soggy lettuce I took out from my cheeseburger.
“Is it still your favorite book?” Orion asks pointedly, his head tilted slightly as if genuinely curious.
Growing up, I was obsessed with Phantom of the Opera . I had posters, I dressed as Christine, the main female character, four Halloweens in a row, and even had parts of the book memorized by heart. I owned a few special editions of the book, too. I hadn’t seen the play in years and couldn’t wait to geek out over seeing it performed live.
If only Orion wouldn’t be there to bear witness to my enthusiasm. I could already imagine the smirk on his face when he saw me mouthing along to the lyrics or getting misty-eyed during “ All I Ask of You .”
“Yes. I may or may not be stalking a first edition worth thirty-two thousand dollars.”
Orion lets loose a long, slow whistle. “That’s a lot of fucking money for a book.”
I sit up straighter. He doesn’t understand. “No harm in looking, right?”
My dad clears his throat and changes the subject. “How’s my catson?”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to call him that,” I tease, thinking of his affectionate name for Sparrow.
“I know. I’ll have to come over and give him some scritches soon.” He sets his shake down, and I narrow my eyes. He’s not supposed to be drinking milkshakes, but I don’t want to micromanage, so I don’t say anything.
“That reminds me, I need to call Gary back,” my dad mutters, pushing away from the table.
“How’d he go from Sparrow to Gary?” I mutter to Orion.
“I’m not sure I want to know.”
I smile, thinking of the bearded guy my dad’s been best friends with for thirty-five years. They owned a few bars across the Los Angeles area together before they both retired a couple of years ago. Now, they spend their time doing things like fishing and golfing.
“I worry about him sometimes. I can’t really help out with my measly salary.”
“I have it covered, Layla. I’m more than capable of taking care of my family.”
My family.
There’s that warm, tingly feeling again.
“Thanks. That’s nice of you.”
Something shutters behind his eyes before he clears his throat and stands. “I should get back to reading. Will you be around today, or are you heading back home?”
That now-familiar pang of jealousy is back, and I clench my jaw to dispel the tense, anxious feeling inside me.
“I’d planned to hang around.”
“Movie?” he asks, smiling slightly.
The way his lips lift casually… his stance as if he’s waiting for me… it feels so familiar.
Like old times.
“Sure.”
I stand and follow him to the living room, and we take our usual seats—me on the left recliner, him on the right one. He whistles and turns the TV on, and a few seconds later, my dad ambles back into the room.
“ The Mummy ?” Orion suggests, flicking through options.
“A classic,” I answer, leaning back in my seat.
My dad takes his usual spot on the couch, pulling the ottoman over and placing his bare feet on top.
It feels so normal—almost like the last seven years never happened.
I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to just be around Orion without wanting to start a fight, and as the beginning credits begin to roll, I think about why I always seem to pick fights with him.
He ruined my audition seven years ago, but it’s more than that—it felt like a betrayal. He was the one who helped me pick the audition song. The one who promised he’d be there for me. The one who watched me practice for hours—hundreds of hours, probably. He would choose to help me through insecurity and doubt about my repertoire rather than go out with his friends.
Growing up, I always wanted siblings, but of course my mom and dad only had me before my mom ran away. Then my dad met Felicity a few years later, and all of a sudden, I had stepbrothers.
It was the best day of my life, and from that point forward, my entire axis tilted slightly.
My world completely revolved around Orion.
And then, in one instant, he ruined everything. My future, my trust… it shattered around us that day, and every time I saw him, it felt as though I was opening those wounds all over again.
I sip my soda and watch as Rock O’Connell—a.k.a. Brendan Fraser—meets Evelyn from the comfort of his prison cell. The cast is beautiful, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I once wrote terrible fan fiction based on Rick, Evelyn, and Imhotep.
Pulling my phone out of the pocket of my shorts, I glance down at texts from Zoe and Remy, as well as a new message from Starboy1997. I take it out of Do Not Disturb mode. Looking around discreetly, my dad is already asleep with his head back, and Orion is fixated on his phone, so I swipe the message open.
Starboy1997
This is actually pretty good.
I smile before quickly schooling my face into neutrality, lest Orion see me grinning at my phone like a maniac.
Oh? Well, that’s good.
Starboy1997
So far, what I’m reading is fairly common in the community. Nothing stands out as unrealistic or over the top. The author did their research.
I’m glad you’re enjoying it.
He doesn’t respond despite me waiting several minutes, and it takes me a minute to realize that I’ve been nervously chewing on my nails.
“Everything okay?” Orion asks, looking up from his phone.
“Yeah. Fine,” I say quickly, ignoring him while I look at the screen. Even though I could probably recite this entire movie by heart, I’m having trouble concentrating.
My phone vibrates.
I fumble, trying to unlock it, and Orion huffs a laugh.
My heart leaps into my chest when I see another message from the mysterious, masked man.
Starboy1997
Is that you in your profile picture?
I bite my lower lip, thinking of this guy looking at my profile. It’s private—a decision I made when I started dancing professionally. Suddenly, a friend request comes through, and I nearly squeak out loud.
“You sure you’re okay?” Orion asks, breaking me out of my stupor.
“I’m fine,” I practically growl.
I glance at him quickly before looking down at my phone, totally engrossed in the conversation with Starboy.
I confirm the friend request on my phone and wait—scrolling through months and years of my life. There’s everything from pictures of my dad and me, Zoe and Remy on random girls’ nights, lots of pictures of Sparrow, and random other things like my pointe shoes, peonies, my library and reading nook, and sometimes pictures of what I’m reading—the PG ones, that is. Just as I’m about to lock the screen again and focus on the movie, I get another message.
Starboy1997
You’re beautiful. I hope someone tells you that often.
I know I shouldn’t be blushing from what a stranger told me on the internet, but I am.
Thanks. And no, there’s no one. I’m pretty invisible.
Starboy1997
You sure? Because it’s hard to believe you just walk through life without anyone noticing.
I nearly drop my phone as my heart sputters inside my chest. No one’s ever said anything like that to me. Yes, I’m a ballet dancer, but when my shoes are off, I usually wear sweatpants and glasses at home. Plus, I’ve spent the past ten or so years battling crippling self-loathing and horrid thoughts about my body.
To have someone call me beautiful right off the bat…
“Are you still watching?” Orion asks, sounding almost annoyed.
My dad is snoring now, and I look over at my stepbrother, who has his phone resting on his lap.
“You’ve been on your phone, too,” I accuse.
“You’re right. I have been,” he confesses, grinning. “I’m getting another drink. Want one?”
“Just water for me,” I tell him absentmindedly.
He stands up and walks out of the room, and I unlock my phone again, staring at Starboy’s message.
You sure? Because it’s hard to believe you just walk through life without anyone noticing.
Oh, he’s good.
I’m smiling as I reply.
No one I notice, at least.
Starboy1997
Ah, I see. Well, I can guarantee people are noticing. You said before that you don’t date much. Is there a reason?
I chew on my lower lip while I debate how to answer him, because I’m still trying to figure it all out myself.
What the hell.
Do you know what demisexual means?
Starboy1997
I do.
That’s how I identify. I need to develop feelings for someone before I can be sexually attracted to them. Makes it hard to date when feelings usually develop long past when other parties lose interest.
Starboy1997
I understand completely. I’m going to keep reading. I’ll message you when I finish.
Looking forward to it.
My cheeks are hot as I lock my phone and pocket it again. I try to concentrate on the movie, but my phone vibrates with another notification.
Starboy has posted a new video, and my thumb hovers over the notification. As much as I want to watch it right here and now, I’d die of mortification if Orion found out. I’m tempted to leave—to walk to my house and watch the video in private like I want to—but I’m also enjoying the rare camaraderie with Orion, and it wouldn’t be fair to my dad if I ate and left. I’d intended to spend the day with him, and though I wasn’t expecting Orion to be here too, I can’t help but miss the way we used to hang out like this.
“Here you go,” he says, handing me a glass of room-temperature water with a lemon slice.
I snap my eyes to him. “You remember how I like my water?”
He shrugs. “Of course I do.” I notice he’s drinking water too, and curiosity gets the best of me, so I ask the question I’ve been thinking about for weeks.
“Are you not drinking anymore?” I ask as casually as I can.
“I haven’t had alcohol in over two years.”
My eyes go wide. “Really? I had no idea.”
“I’d rather not repeat the hell that was rehab,” he admits, looking at the TV rather than me.
“Do you miss it?” I ask without thinking. “Sorry, that’s really personal. You don’t have to answer,” I add, looking away from him.
“It’s okay. And not really. I miss not thinking and not feeling. But I fucked a lot of things up when I was drinking. I ruined job opportunities, friendships, relationships… I mean, I’m still living with the consequences of my actions while I was drinking around the clock,” he says, turning to face me.
His regret is so evident that it almost feels like physical pain. I sip my water to dispel the emotion clogging my throat —to distract myself from the absolute hurt and longing that lay naked in his darkened eyes.
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, La-La,” he murmurs. La-La. He hasn’t called me that in years.
I give him a small smile, and he looks surprised for a second before he smiles and turns to the TV.
I don’t know what, but something between us just shifted.
On the one hand, I’m still livid about what he did all those years ago. My future was wide open for me, and some nights, I lie awake and think of what my life would be like had I gone to Paris. I love dancing for the Pacific Ballet Company, and the fact that I’ve managed to snag the lead role after only a few years of dancing professionally is practically unheard of. I enjoy being close to Dad. But a small part of me wonders if I’d be happier in Europe, and blaming Orion for all of it was just easier.
He was my best friend, and it wasn’t the ruined opportunity that hurt the most.
The betrayal—the breach of trust—made it unforgivable in my eyes.
Showing up drunk. Breaking into my audition. Embarrassing me.
On the other hand, it’s been seven years. While I doubt we’ll ever be best friends again, maybe I can work toward forgiving him.
For so long, I begged the universe that he’d get sober. Watching a loved one go down that path was… horrific. But if he’s been sober for over two years—a feat that astounds me—maybe I can try to be cordial with him. Perhaps I don’t always have to decline invitations to events I know he’ll be at or roll my eyes if Zoe brings him up. Maybe next week at Phantom of the Opera wouldn’t be so bad, after all. It was my favorite book. The possibility of being cordial—even friendly—is tempting.
He’s trying, so I can make an effort, too.
Maybe it’s time to let go and see where forgiveness can take us.