21. The Realization
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
THE REALIZATION
Layla
When I return from my intensive, Orion is still gone. He left a note, but I figured he’d be back by now.
Unless he’s with her.
The thought of spending the night alone in his apartment when he was with her … I’d rather go back to my stifling house than stay here alone.
In order to distract myself, I contemplate my outfit choices that I have with me at Orion’s apartment. I wasn’t expecting to meet with Starboy, and I only have hot weather lounge clothes with me, as well as things to teach intensive. In a moment of panic, I invite Zoe over—and ask her to bring things for me to wear. She and Liam have a date tonight, so she quickly drops off a suitcase full of clothes, kisses me on the cheek, and wishes me luck.
“Remember, just because he’s famous doesn’t mean he doesn’t have red flags.”
“I know,” I tell her, smiling. “Trust me, I’m taking every precaution I can.”
Zoe twists her lips to the side. “Public space. Safe word. Condoms?—”
“What? You think we’re going to?—”
Her eyes sparkle as she shrugs. “Always better to be prepared, you know? Don’t worry, I packed some for you in the suitcase. Remember, don’t let him push you into anything you’re not comfortable with. He’ll appreciate—and expect—you to use your safe word for anything you’re not comfortable with. Just because someone is experienced doesn’t mean they know what they’re doing or will implement their safety measures during a scene. Trust your gut. Use common sense. I know where you are, so I’ll have Orion’s guys ensure everything is legitimate.”
“But don’t let Orion know,” I tell her. “The last thing I need is for him to find out.”
“My lips are sealed, babe.” She blows me a kiss. “Most importantly, have fun. I wish I could stay and hang out.”
“No, it’s okay. Have fun on your date, and thanks for the clothes. I owe you.”
Her smile falls a bit as she steps into the elevator. “Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, considering everything with Orion.”
I take a deep breath. “I need to make a decision, and I need to know if this thing with Starboy is going to lead anywhere serious or not.”
I hadn’t told Zoe about the kiss yet. Truthfully, I’m still processing it.
“I get it.” She presses the button for the ground floor. “Good luck. Tell me everything.”
“I will,” I say quickly as the doors shut, leaving me alone in Orion’s apartment.
Dragging the suitcase into the guest bedroom, I texted my dad to make sure he’s okay, which he is. He sends a selfie of himself next to the television, holding up a carton of milk. I tell him to keep me updated. The doctors ruled out a heart attack and a stroke, but the blood sugar issues would have to be dealt with. I chew on the inside of my cheek as we chat for a few more minutes. He’s supposed to be discharged tomorrow morning, so I tell him that Orion and I will be there to pick him up when he’s ready.
With my dad sorted, I focus on the task at hand.
What the hell do I wear to meet a Dominant for the first time?
He said he didn’t care and to be comfortable.
I rummage through Zoe’s clothes for something that could work on me. She’s shorter and curvier than me, and it’s still a thousand degrees out, but when I pull on an innocent-looking, white eyelet dress with a sweetheart neckline and buttons going down the front, I immediately know it’s the outfit. Paired with my white sneakers, it’s my style completely—even if it’s more revealing and the neckline slightly more plunging than normal.
I have a few hours until I’m supposed to meet Starboy, so I cuddle up on the couch with Sparrow for a few minutes before tackling the contract he sent. Earl flies into the living room at one point, squawking, “Master loves pretty girl! Master loves pretty girl… such a good little fuckhole,” before flying off.
I chuckle. Sparrow doesn’t even bat an eye at the flying bird—he’s the laziest cat in existence.
I make myself dinner.
Orion doesn’t return.
Walking back to the guest bedroom, I send the file to Orion’s printer. Quickly going upstairs, I grab the document and a pen, flipping through the dense document.
It’s forty-eight pages.
Orion’s office is dark and moody, with dark wood paneling and an old oak desk in the middle of the room. I peruse the books he has scattered around the shelves—things about BDSM, consent, and some books that look like college textbooks on things like sexuality and philosophy.
It strikes me how similar Starboy and Orion are. How they both seem to approach the lifestyle from a place of open communication and education.
Maybe they know each other?
Closing his office door, I walk back to the guest bedroom and sit at the small desk, flipping through Starboy’s contract.
I check the relevant things: submissive, beginner, straight, monogamous. Just the idea of sharing him makes me feel nauseous. His limits are underneath that, and as my eyes scan the list, my hand comes to my throat.
Hard limits: Chastity, scat play, age play, pet play, swinging, swapping, sharing.
Soft limits: Penetration.
My eyes go wide at that last part, and I keep reading.
For me, this dynamic is about power more than sex. Occasionally sexual intercourse may occur, in which case I will ensure all parties are safe and tested regularly. But it shouldn’t be expected. There are a lot of things between a Dominant and submissive that can trend sexual, but it’s up to my discretion. A verbal and nonverbal safe word is required before any play occurs.
The next section is a list of his preferences.
Spanking
Paddling
Caning
Flogging
Wax play
Nipple clamps
Electric wands
Mental bondage
Orgasm control
Hypnosis
Forced orgasms
Orgasm denial/edging
Humiliation
Degradation
It then goes into the types of things he’s had his submissives do before pertaining to those last two notes.
Eating on the floor.
Kneeling on rice.
Scolding.
Writing lines.
By the time I finish reviewing his limits and checking off my hard limits—which entail almost all of Starboy’s limits, plus anything involving bodily fluids—I’m antsy and anxious about tonight.
By the time I get to the soft limits, I’m a little bit less sure of things.
I mark “no” next to anything having to do with food—including eating off the floor.
I also mark “no” to any degrading terms about my body. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover enough to hear anything like that.
I’ve only recently learned about some things—like infant play and pegging, both of which I mark as soft limits.
I mark no for 24/7… though the idea is intriguing. To be his submissive 24/7? It could be fun, but I don’t think it’s for me.
Only in the bedroom, then.
By the time I get to the end of my limits, there’s more information about our dynamic and a nondisclosure agreement.
You will address me by our predetermined honorific.
You will thank me for pleasure and discipline.
You will not come without my permission, even when we are apart.
Know your limits. Memorize them.
Communication is key. This will be tested before we begin.
Never assume you know what I want.
I will respect you wholly and completely, and I expect the same respect from you.
You will be on time for any play— always.
You will kneel for me before every scene.
There are three more pages of rules—and my head begins to spin. He’s nothing if not thorough.
I sign and date it after that, folding the papers once so that they fit into my purse.
After taking a quick shower, I pull the dress on and move the top half of my long hair away from my face. I forgo most makeup, instead putting my contacts in and adding cream blush to my cheeks, a quick swipe of mascara, and cherry-red lip gloss.
It’s only eight o’clock, so I decide to leave for Inferno early. Taking advantage of their one-drink rule seems like a good way to calm my nerves. When I exit my bedroom and walk through the apartment, I realize Orion still isn’t back.
It doesn’t matter. You’re not trying to impress him tonight.
I quickly pull my phone out and send him a text.
Going out tonight. I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up.
I glance down at the screen as I take the elevator down to the ground floor, but he hasn’t even read it by the time I get to street level.
I’d debated opening the belated birthday present he’d gotten me, but something told me to wait. I’d brought it with me to his apartment, so I had it with me just in case.
Turning my phone on silent, I walk the three blocks to Inferno. It’s still hot, but since it’s dark out now, it’s cooled down significantly. The warm air tickles my skin, but it doesn’t feel oppressive like it did before. When I arrive at the front door, I take a deep breath and walk inside.
Like last time, a woman sits behind a desk, wearing a business casual outfit and typing on a computer. I pause by the door, my heart pounding in my chest, but she looks up at me and smiles.
“Hello, Ms. Rivers.”
I open and close my mouth. “I’m here to see…” I’m unsure of what to call him. Starboy? The masked man? I don’t know his name, so I rack my brain.
“I know. He’s already here and waiting for you in the hypnosis room. Please feel free to grab a drink beforehand.” She stands and opens the wardrobe doors. “Have fun,” she adds, smiling.
Hypnosis room?
“Thank you.”
I step between the coats, walking through a doorway and into the bar area of Inferno.
He’s here. He’s already waiting for me.
My skin pebbles as I walk up to the bar. A bartender is making drinks, and I give him a small smile.
“Can I get some tequila, please?”
“Of course you can,” he says, eyes friendly and sparkling as he pours someone else a fancy-looking drink. “How’s your night been so far?”
I blow out an anxious breath of air. “Oh, that’s a loaded question.”
He laughs. “I’m Mark.”
“I’m Layla,” I tell him, shaking his warm hand.
His eyes go wide. “Chase Ravage’s stepsister, Layla?”
“You know Chase?” I ask, leaning forward.
He huffs a laugh. “Unfortunately for me. The guy’s a pain in my ass, but he is my brother-in-law. I’m Juliet’s brother’s husband.”
Realization dawns. Of course. “Right, I remember you now. I think we met at one of the various weddings. Maybe Miles’s?”
He pours my drink and hands me a wristband so that they know I’ve gotten my one allotted drink. “I think it was Liam and Zoe’s rehearsal dinner. But honestly, I don’t remember most of that night. The alcohol was floooowing,” he says, smirking.
My cheeks heat when I think of that night. The kiss with Orion.
Guilt swirls inside me when I think of what I’m about to do. When I think of betraying Orion in a weird way, maybe I should call this whole thing off until my feelings for him settle down.
If I don’t meet Starboy, I’ll never know…
“Yeah, it was a wild night for sure.”
“What brings you to Inferno?”
I add the fancy salt to my hand, shoot the tequila shot, and then bite into the lime.
“Damn,” Mark mutters, shaking his head. “You’re a pro.”
“I can assure you that I am not,” I reply, laughing. “I’m meeting someone here.”
He swirls his finger in front of him as he gives me a conspiratorial smile. “Ooooh? Well, have a great time. Orion is around here somewhere. I saw him earlier.”
His words roll through me slowly, sending a shock wave skittering down my spine.
“H-he is?”
Mark shrugs. “I think so. Unless he snuck out the back door.”
Dread fills me. Of course Orion is here. I can’t run into him—can’t let him see what I’m about to do and who I’m about to do a scene with.
“I should get going,” I tell Mark, slinging my purse over my shoulder. “Thank you for the drink.”
Mark studies me with narrowed eyes. “Be safe.”
“Yeah, I will, thanks,” I say absentmindedly, waving goodbye as I walk upstairs to the private rooms.
Unless he’s here with the woman he’s seeing?
That thought has me curling my fists at my side. What if he’s here with her?
The tequila I just drank threatens to come back up, and I place a hand over my throat.
Here I am, getting jealous that Orion might be with the person he’s seeing, just before meeting the guy I’m seeing.
This is so screwed up.
It’s his club. He’s allowed to be here. But I hate the idea of him coming here right after our kiss—like he needed to see her. Like he had no desire to be near me.
I’m such a hypocrite.
Continuing my walk down the hallway, I try not to imagine my stepbrother in one of these rooms. Instead, I get to a nondescript door at the end of the hallway labeled “Hypnosis.” Taking a deep breath, I smooth my hair down before pushing the door open.
It’s empty, but there’s a door in the back between two large bookshelves.
Closing the door behind me, I look around the room—which is set up to look like some sort of office. There’s a desk with a couple of fake prescription pads. There are legitimate books on psychology lining the shelves, and it reminds me slightly of Orion’s office.
Stop thinking about him.
There’s a large, cozy-looking couch made of white leather, and though the lighting is low and ambient, it feels warm and comforting. My heart gallops a mile a minute inside of my chest, so I take a seat on the couch as I wait.
Checking my phone, I realize I have a text from Starboy.
Master
Please make yourself comfortable. I’ll be in shortly.
I sit down, crossing my legs and pulling the contract out of my purse. I place it on my lap and attempt to smooth it out. My eyes skim over the things I previously circled, and my foot taps my shin nervously as I wait for Starboy.
Is he tall?
Being nearly 5’9” means it’s definitely something that worries me—I like to wear heels, and I like the people I date to be taller than me when I do, and unfortunately finding men taller than 6’2” is rare. I tell myself that even if he is shorter than me, it doesn’t matter.
We’ve formed a real connection. His height wouldn’t change that.
I’m just turning over page forty where I’ve circled the term “nipple clamps” when the door behind the desk clicks open.
I don’t breathe—I can’t.
My pulse spikes, and my heart thumps heavily in my chest as a man walks into the room.
It’s Starboy—he’s wearing the hoodie, dark pants, and the mask.
And he’s tall.
I can tell by the way he nearly has to duck under the doorframe.
He stands there for a second, almost like he’s surprised to see me.
I’m sure I look like a deer in headlights…
The door closes behind him, and he takes a seat at the desk.
“Hi,” I say, immediately regretting that I spoke first.
He leans back, and it’s unnerving not knowing what he’s looking at. The lighting is too low to see his eyes clearly.
“Come here,” he signs, his veiny, golden hands forming the words.
“Should I bring the contract?”
He nods, and I stand, leaving my purse on the couch as I walk the contract over.
What does he think of me? Am I what he was expecting?
As I get closer, his eyes get clearer behind the mask—and the familiar blue color pierces straight down to my soul.
The same blue eyes that stared at me this morning.
It can’t be.
I walk slower, my mind racing.
No, this isn’t possible. It couldn’t be him. Could it?
One of his hands goes to the back of his neck, and the slightest hint of a black tattoo peeks out of the sleeve of his hoodie. He spreads his legs slightly, waiting for me to reach him.
The closer I get, the stronger the smoky tobacco smell becomes, anchoring me in a reality I’m not sure I’m ready to face.
There’s no way …
My hands begin to shake when I reach the edge of the desk, and when he looks up at me, I see it in the way he carries himself. I’d know Orion from a mile away—the tapered waist, the thighs, the boots, the hands with perfectly manicured fingernails despite never going to a salon…
The man behind the mask…
It’s Orion.
The realization slams into me, and my breathing hitches in my throat. Once the surprise flows over me, everything begins to click into place.
Mark saying Orion was here tonight.
The fact that Orion never answered my text earlier.
Disguising his voice by doing sign language.
Not telling me his first name— Orion is a unique name, just like he explained.
He’d read my favorite book. He’d listened to me explain my deepest, darkest fantasies. I’d trusted him, and he knew who I was all along.
Just doing a little research for someone special.
You’re beautiful. I hope someone tells you that often.
If I knew you in real life, I’d ask you to be my submissive. Full stop. I’m holding back. So let me do this. For you, but also for me.
The picture Starboy sent me… it was Orion.
Orion making a mess over a raunchy picture of me.
A white-hot bolt of arousal works through me, but a wave of uncertainty quickly follows it.
How could he do this? How could he hide this from me? My thoughts spiral, tugging at the threads of my trust in him. He knew it was me the whole time and didn’t say anything. The hurt swells within me, battling against the relief that’s beginning to form.
I could back away and call him a bastard, a liar. I could tell him that what he did was screwed up. That he took advantage of the situation, of my vulnerability.
But then again, haven’t I always been drawn to him? Haven’t I always felt a connection, even before I knew?
Is this betrayal, or is it fate?
The truth is, I’m relieved—relieved that they’re the same person, and I no longer have to make an impossible choice. It’s why I felt so connected to Starboy—why I was drawn to him right off the bat.
It was Orion the entire time.
But should I accept this so easily? Should I trust him after everything?
The question lingers, heavy and unresolved.
Trust your gut. Use common sense.
Zoe’s words from earlier flit through my mind, and when I really dig down and listen, my intuition is screaming at me.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I school my face into neutrality. “It’s nice to meet you, Master.”
And then I drop to my knees.