Chapter 29 Lee #3
“You’re pushing me away,” I said, walking to where he sat, I knelt down on the floor in front of him and gently covered his hands with my own. “You think you’re not good enough for me for some reason, and you’re pushing me away. But that’s bullshit, and I’m not going to let you.”
His skin was shockingly cold, and his grip on his knees was so tight it was turning his knuckles white.
Gently, I pried his fingers from their death grip on his knees, one finger at a time.
He tried to pull his hand away from me and I simply stopped moving, my larger hands enveloping his until he stopped fighting me.
I began gently chafing them with my hands, trying to transfer some of my warmth into him.
He finally looked me in the eye, a crack appearing in the neutral facade he had been showing.
“I am no good for you, Lee,” he whispered as I knelt in front of him. “I’m trash. I’m nothing but a whore, a son of a whore, who somehow convinced himself he had a shot at something different. You deserve better than this, better than me. If I stay, all I’m going to do is ruin your life, too.”
I looked up at his gorgeous eyes, his thick dark lashes wet with the tears he’d been trying to hide from me. His eyes were pleading with me, struggling to convey some message I couldn’t quite understand.
“The only way you could ruin my life is to leave it. Let’s make sure our definitions match here, Word Boy,” I said, his tears melting the rock-hard ball of ice that had substituted for my heart for so long.
I brought one hand up and cupped the side of his face, gently running my thumb back and forth across his cheek as his hands rested gently at my waist.
“If by ‘trash’ you mean ‘amazingly talented, heartrendingly compassionate, and mind-blowingly intelligent’, I can agree with your statement,” I murmured, pausing with each adjective to lay a series of gentle kisses across his forehead.
“And if by ‘ruin’ you mean ‘bring back to life, renew, restore and revivify’…” We both chuckled at the last word, remembering our round of Scrabble.
“…then I guess I’d agree with that, too.
Otherwise, I think I need to challenge your definitions. ”
Tears were falling freely at that point, and I realized suddenly he wasn’t the only one crying. Mason’s hands tightened on my waist, his fingers sliding under my shirt until they were against my skin.
I pulled him forward slowly, his eyes darting to my lips. I saw his lips part nervously and groaned as his pink tongue darted out to wet them. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him right then and there, but I had to get to the bottom of this.
“Tell me what’s really going on, Mason. Are you in some kind of trouble?
Why are you running?” I asked. I felt Mason tense under my touch, then he stood and pulled away from me, walking toward the door.
I saw the cop’s shadow move against the glass and the movement seemed to have caught Mason’s attention, too.
“I’m not running. Not anymore,” Mason insisted.
“Would you rather I just say that I can’t handle the drama?
” Mason snapped, a hint of anger in his voice as it rose slightly.
His hand made a sweeping gesture toward the waiting room where my family sprawled in various states of discomfort.
“Would it be better to say that I’m scared shitless and don’t know how I could ever fit in with… with this?” he asked.
“Should I just walk up to your parents and say, ‘Hey, I used to be a hooker, but I’ve got a great new career, so I hope you’re okay with it?
And oh, by the way, I have this great story about how I met your son?
’” Mason’s voice was getting louder and I could see curious heads turning toward the room.
Mason noticed at the same time I did and dropped his voice, but still hissed, “How can I tell them that you killed someone for me? That you put your life in danger for a prostitute?! I can’t.
I just can’t. I don’t know what you want from me, Lee,” he finished.
I looked at him in disbelief. Could he really not know what I wanted? I had to show him then.
“I want this,” I said, gripping his hand in mine and pulling it to my chest. “I want dinner with the fam. I want more days at the arcade. I want to find out what music you like and what your favorite food is. I want to know what you were like as a grade schooler, and what your fondest memories are. I want it all, Mason,” I said, my voice dropping.
“I want… you. I love you. And if you say you don’t believe me, you’re lying to yourself. ”
“I… I’m not lying, Lee, to you or myself.
I want it, too. I do,” he said, strain showing on his face as we spoke.
“I want it, but we’re adults. We know that in this life, we don’t always get what we want.
” His voice trailed off for a moment. Vaguely I heard the sound of a muffled cough through the door of the waiting room. Fuck, this guy was getting an earful.
Mason’s face changed, went blank and expressionless.
“You… you’re getting way too serious, way too fast. I care about you, Lee, but I’m not in love with you.
I never will be. It would probably be best if we just broke everything off now.
Some people… some people just don’t get the happily ever after.
Some people just don’t deserve it. I’ve done things, Lee.
Terrible things that I can’t bear to tell you, because part of me would die if you saw that side of me. ”
I was too stunned to say anything in response. He glanced up again at the shadow of the cop on the door behind me, but continued.
“It’s like there’s this… this thing that hangs over me.
A cloud of… of… suckitude, a cloud of misery, and it shoots off random bolts of catastrophe and I’m a lightning rod for it.
I attract all that pain and suffering. I can deal with it when it’s just me getting hurt, but anyone near me…
and I do mean anyone… could become a target just by being around me.
You, your brothers, your parents, for god’s sake!
” He gestured to the room of friends of family.
“How can I stay here and put all these people in danger?”
I stared into his eyes, trying to make sense of what he was saying. I obviously was missing part of the conversation here, because my brain wasn’t keeping up. Was he trying to tell me my family was in danger? I saw his mask soften for a moment.
“You… you deserve to have happiness,” he continued determinedly.
“Find a man, get a dog, maybe some kids down the road. You need to find someone who can be worthy of you. This has been a… a… a respite for me, Lee. A vacation from my real life. But that’s all it could ever be for me.
My real life is back in… back in Mil—” he caught himself and corrected, “—back in Seattle.”
My heart felt like it stopped at his words. He didn’t love me. He pulled away from my grasp. As his fingers slipped from my own, the pain in my chest was so sharp I couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be happening.
“Mason,” I whispered, “Please don’t do this. Don’t run. I can’t lose you, too.”
Shame, guilt, regret flashed across his face, followed by a solemn resolve.
“I’m sorry, Lee.” he said, his voice dropping. “My Uber is here. I’m going to the airport now. I’ve got a flight out of here in an hour. I just… I’m sorry, Lee. I can’t stay. I can’t… endanger you, or your family, any further. Just ship anything I left at your place to Lizzie. She’ll get it to me.”
I froze, my mind unable to comprehend. He was seriously leaving? Just like that? Now, of all times, when I needed him? When we needed him? I opened my mouth to argue further, but snapped it shut as Kaine walked in, past the cop.
“Hey guys…” he paused, looking back and forth between us, sensing the tension in the room. “Everything okay? The doctor just came out. He said he thinks Sonny’s going to be okay. They think they were able to save his leg.”
I sighed as a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder but as it left a band started tightening around my heart. Mason was leaving.
“Good. That’s…I’m really glad, Kaine,” Mason said softly, his eyes drawing mine back in.
“Thanks, Kaine,” I said, automatically. He nodded, casting a confused glance at the two of us, then left the room.
Mason seemed relieved at Kaine’s news, but I couldn’t be sure.
I mean, how could I tell? I thought he’d been feeling the same things I was feeling but I was obviously wrong.
He couldn’t be leaving me now, like this, if he was.
He’d thought this was all fun and games, just a goddamn vacation fling. ..
“Take care of yourself, Lee.” He said softly, leaning forward and laying a gentle kiss on my cheek. He left the room, the cop close behind him as he walked down the hall, and out of my life.