Chapter 3 #2
“Dante Romano?” Nathan raises a brow. “That douche? Why didn’t you tell me about it? Was that why you were distracted at the event?”
I nod. “Yes. Well, I was also absolutely fucking exhausted, but that didn’t help.”
“He bought you coffee…that’s weird. I mean, he’s not known for being normal , but I’m surprised he left you standing on your feet after you ran into him.” Nathan’s eyes widen a little.
“That’s…not what’s bothering me, though. It’s odd he bought me coffee afterward, but something else happened,” I say slowly. Anxiety builds in my stomach, just like it did over the weekend when I decided telling Nathan about the situation was pointless.
Except now he’s waiting for me to say something, and I can’t lie to him.
“What?” Nathan looks confused.
“He…ah, well, he flirted with me,” I say. I feel my ears get hot just saying it.
Nathan blinks. “He flirted with you?”
“Yeah,” I say simply, as if it should be obvious why it bothers me.
Except I don’t even know why it bothers me so much.
“That’s it? Pft, Ethan, he’s a playboy. That’s what he does. Everyone knows he’s gay and he charms the pants off any guy he can,” Nathan says with a laugh. “He was probably just shooting his shot ’cause he didn’t know you.”
“He flirts with everyone?” I repeat. For some reason my stomach aches at the thought.
“Basically. That’s probably the least weird thing he could do.”
I look away from him. “He…was at the library tonight, though. We bumped into each other and I let him sit with me because it seemed like he needed to be closer to a plug,” I tell him, trying to ignore the way my fingers twitch when I think about the way he looked at me.
“I didn’t think much of it until he started hitting on me again…
and you know what, I don’t think he even had a fucking laptop with him. ”
My jaw tightens.
“Woah, dude is hot for you,” Nathan snickers.
My face turns red. “What? No, he’s…it’s…just weird.”
“I mean, you told him you have a girlfriend, right?” Nathan asks.
“Obviously!” I say, my voice more defensive than I intended.
“Jeez, okay. So he gets it. You’re not into him, and not available. He’ll fuck off to someone else,” he says with a shrug. “He’s trouble, anyway.”
“What if he doesn’t?” I ask.
“Doesn’t what?” Nathan asks, peering over his coffee while sinking into the chair in a manner that seems uncomfortable to me.
My throat is tight. “Doesn’t…fuck off to someone else. Doesn’t move on.”
Nathan eyes me. “I dunno. I mean, you want him to, right?”
“Yes! I…of course,” I mumble the last few words. “I’m not gay.”
“Okay, so what’s the issue? He made you uncomfortable and you turned him down, so it’s done,” he says matter-of-factly.
I look at my lap. “There was just…something else,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t know if it made me uncomfortable, Nate.”
“Oh. Uh…” Nathan clears his throat. “Then how did it make you feel?” The way he asks is awkward and stilted, but I know he’s being genuine.
“I…don’t know. I’m…confused,” I say, and feel my cock hardening in my jeans again. I shift a little and try to ignore it.
“Hey, Ethan, man,” Nathan says. “Look at me, bro.”
I sigh and look down at him. “What?”
“Whatever’s going on, I’m here for you, you know that? If you think you might be…” He waves his hand. “…bi or pan or something…whatever this confusion is, I got you.”
My face goes even redder. “I’m not,” I huff out. “I’m just confused and exhausted.”
Nathan eyes me. “Okay. But if you are into guys, that’s great, but Dante is the worst possible option. At least for the long term. If you just need a fuck or something I guess he’d be fine, but…”
I stand up quickly. “Shut the hell up, Nate.” I feel my pockets for my phone and wallet, double-checking even though I didn’t take them out. “Are you gay?”
He blinks. “I dunno. Well, I like girls, but I’m not cutting my options off.”
I stare at him. “Well…I am. I’m not interested in boys, men…I’m straight. I like women, I’m dating Lena, and I’m going to see her right now.” I head to the door, ignoring whatever he starts saying behind me.
I feel even more confused and flustered than when I came to talk to him, but I’m determined to prove my words true.
“Hi, baby!” Lena says happily as she opens the door to her solo dorm room right as I’m about to knock.
I smile softly back at her and step inside to wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer…even closer than usual. Her incredibly round and soft chest squishes against my flat one as her arms wind around my neck.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I whisper near her ear, and place a soft kiss against her dark brown hair.
Lena giggles and pulls back just enough to look into my face. “Well, someone is happy to see me today. Havin’ a good day or something?” she asks. She starts to let go of me after a couple seconds like always, but I don’t let her go.
“I’m very happy to see you,” I tell her. “And my day’s been just the opposite, which is why…” I lean in and press my lips to hers.
Her lips are plush and warm. They smell like cinnamon lip balm.
The kiss lasts a few seconds before I pull back, and she’s looking at me with a mixture of confusion and stars in her eyes.
“I’d say I’m sorry you had a shitty day, but not if it gets me that,” she says with a chuckle.
I finally let her go, and she leads me inside the small room, closing and locking the door behind us.
My face and chest feel slightly warmer. I feel…happy to be here with her. As I sit on the loveseat nestled in a corner of the room surrounded by string lights, I look at Lena as she grabs two bottles of water out of the mini fridge.
She’s wearing pajama shorts and an oversized T-shirt. Her curly hair is pulled back into a puffy bun. She’s adorable—that much I’m certain of.
“Did you bring the book I asked you to?” Lena asks as she sits down beside me.
“Yes, ma’am,” I say obediently, teasingly, and unzip my bag. I place the book on her lap.
“You keep saying that and we’ll have a hard time studying,” she teases in return.
The brown skin of her round face flushes darker before she opens the book to a specific chapter.
“Oh, great. I was worried this edition wouldn’t have the updated graphs.
” She turns to her laptop, which is balancing on the arm of the sofa, and pulls up a few documents.
“I told you it did,” I remind her.
“I always have to see it in person to be sure,” she says.
With a shake of my head, I get my own computer out. Seeing it reminds me of the library with Dante.
Stop thinking about him.
It’s difficult to focus on studying, just like it has been the last few days, but it’s even worse tonight. The dim lighting in the dorm room reminds me of the lighting in the library. Except…Lena is sitting much closer to me than Dante was.
Shouldn’t I feel…more?
It’s been an hour and a half. We get even closer, and Lena starts to play with the back of my hair as I read a passage and explain it to her.
I know what I should do. What I should want to do.
But I don’t make a move.
Lena is the one who, after almost two hours, slowly moves our work off our laps and crawls into mine.
“Hi,” I whisper, looking up at her. “Need something?” My words are meant to be flirty, but they sound more confused than anything else.
Lena smirks at me and straddles my lap more directly. “I think we both could use some stress relief,” she replies. Her voice is sultry, the exact tone I’d expect a siren to have.
But her on top of me, her hands rubbing at my shoulders and her hips starting to push against my lap, doesn’t make my stomach tingly.
I feel blood rushing to my dick, but it feels so…completely disconnected from the rest of me. My heart races.
“Maybe we could,” I reply, trying to play it cool.
I slide my hands onto her hips and rub slowly. Lena leans down and starts to kiss my neck.
It’s warm. A little wet.
Usually when we make out, I’m tipsy.
Right now, I’m completely sober.
I try to focus on her as I slide my hands up the back of her shirt, feeling that she’s braless. She moans softly as I rub her back and down her sides.
Every move I make is…robotic, almost. I notice I’m practically holding my breath.
My erection is there, but just barely, like a shadow of arousal. That’s what I’m used to, but for the first time I wonder if that’s how it should be.
“You’re so hot, Ethan,” Lena whispers into my ear.
I shiver. My shoulders tense and I feel like I can’t move.
“Mm,” I manage to get out.
I wait for her to continue kissing my neck, but she goes still, and then pulls back to look at my face in the dim light.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
Fuck, she noticed.
“Nothing,” I lie.
“You’re not breathing and you’re frozen in fear, Ethan,” she insists. Lena frowns and slides off my lap. “I know what that feels like.”
“I’m not afraid,” I tell her. “Just nervous, that’s all.”
“You’re always nervous, and that’s why we’ve moved slowly, but something is up.” She sits close beside me and puts a hand on my arm.
“Or not up, you mean?” I ask. “I can’t control that.” My voice is defensive, and embarrassment floods through me. I tear my gaze away from her.
“No, of course you can’t,” Lena replies, equally defensive. “But since we’ve been together you’ve…well, not exactly shown much interest in me sexually.”
I want to hide.
I want to die.
I want to hide and die.
“It’s only been a few months, Lena,” I tell her, but I still don’t look at her.
“True, but in my experience it doesn’t take that long to get hard when making out with your girlfriend,” she says with a huff. “Look, I’m not…shaming you.”
“Then what are you doing?” I ask, raising my voice slightly as I look at her.
I immediately regret it when she flinches.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
She shakes her head. “It’s fine. This is a sensitive topic, and we’ve never spoken about it before.” She takes a deep breath. “We’re both under a lot of pressure right now.”
I nod and break eye contact, looking at her hair instead. “The first semester is always exhausting.”
“I’ve been thinking about it, though,” she says slowly. “Have you heard of asexuality?”
I blink and meet her gaze again. “Yeah,” I say honestly, omitting the fact that I’ve looked it up a dozen times over the last year.
“Maybe you should look into it more. It could explain…whatever you do or don’t feel,” she suggests.
Guilt surrounds me. I grab my laptop and books and start to put them in my bag.
“Ethan, you don’t need to leave,” she insists.
“I should go,” I tell her.
Lena sighs. “Don’t run away.”
I turn to look at her. “I don’t think I’m asexual.”
“Alright. It’s okay either way.” She squeezes my arm.
“You would still want to be with me if I was?” I ask, eyeing her.
She purses her lips. “It would be a new experience for me, but I like you a lot, Ethan. We could figure it out…as long as both of us want to be together.”
I feel like she’s looking at me too closely now.
“I do.” It’s the truth. The idea of losing her makes my stomach hurt.
But so does the idea of fucking her.
Everything is so confusing.
“Good.” She smiles at me. “You can leave if you want to, but you don’t have to.”
“I should get home and sleep.” I continue to put my things away. It’s quiet while I do so, but the tension slowly fades away—at least on her end.
On the drive home I think about what she said.
Asexuality.
I’d been pondering that before I even met her. Then I thought, well, she makes me feel things, so I must not be.
Now I’m beginning to wonder if the things I feel with Lena are what I think they are.
If what I felt with my ex in high school was what I thought it was.
Dante looking at me from across the table in the library with his stormy gaze as his fingers touched mine made my body react more than anything Lena’s ever done.
I try to tell myself it was fear with him, but I realize what Lena said was true. I was frozen with fear when she was on top of me. I wasn’t aroused; I was scared.
Scared because if it went any further…what would I do? How would I do it?
I could say that I’m asexual, so I’m simply not interested in sex and my body refuses to respond because of that.
There’s just one problem.
How does that explain what I felt when Dante said he wanted me on my knees with his dick in my mouth?