Chapter 7
ETHAN
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Everything is fuzzy, hot, aching.
My body throbs with heat from my head all the way down to my feet, but the most obvious evidence is something I can’t deny.
My cock is so hard it’s painful. How could that happen from just one kiss?
One kiss.
I kissed Dante Romano.
He approached me in the parking lot, but I was the one who kissed him. I can’t even say he kissed me and I couldn’t get away. That’s not the truth.
“Oh fuck…oh God…oh no.” I pace back and forth at the end of my bed as I desperately try to ignore the ache of arousal that I’ve never felt this extremely before.
I sit down on the edge of my bed and drop my head into my hands.
In and out.
Breathe in and out.
I repeat this for longer than I can stand. Even still, my heart is racing in my chest.
My tongue darts along my lips.
I taste Dante’s cigarettes and black coffee…and I like it.
I want more of it.
I can’t lie to myself any longer.
My eyes burn with tears and my stomach aches.
I feel something for Dante. Even if it’s just arousal, it’s more than I’ve ever felt before.
More than I’ve felt with Lena.
I can’t lie anymore, but I also can’t face it head-on right now.
I do the only other thing I can.
I crawl into bed and strip my jeans off, lying on my side. My dick is still hard and throbbing. I can feel precum dripping at the end as I shove my hand into my boxers.
My cock is so sensitive that just the light touch of my fingers makes me gasp.
I don’t want my own hand, though. I want something else.
Someone else.
Quickly, I grab one of my pillows and shove it underneath my stomach and groin, folding it over partially for more resistance.
Without thinking, I grind against the pillow, using my hands to push it harder against myself.
The friction against my hard, wet dick sends shivers of pleasure throughout my entire body.
“Ah, fuck.” I gasp and arch my back while pressing my forehead against the mattress.
It feels like it only takes mere seconds for everything to become hot and humid in the room around me. I can smell my own musky scent, and it turns me on more when I imagine that it’s Dante’s.
I bite down on my lip, imagining that it’s him—his mouth, his teeth, biting into my sensitive lip and grinding against me.
“Oh fuck, please…please!” I moan into the mattress.
I hump my pillow harder and faster, becoming so needy that I can’t focus on anything but rubbing and grinding. My face smooshes against the bed, sending a thrill I’ve never felt before through me.
My balls squeeze and I come before I can even process it, dripping hot, sticky fluid all over the inside of my boxers.
My hips and legs shake, and I rock my hips against the pillow a few more times, feeling my sensitive cock twitch underneath me.
“D-Dante…” I whimper into the mattress.
My body finally relaxes, and I lie there silently with my eyes closed, catching my breath.
“I’m so fucked.”
After two days of anxiety and avoiding Lena, Nathan, and all of my other friends, I’m faced with the reality of what I need to do.
I can’t think about what happened with Dante. Every time I let my mind wander to what happened in the parking lot and what I did afterward, my mind dissolves into absolutely useless goo.
All I can do is focus on my homework, lectures, and what I’m going to say to Lena.
Usually, my plan would be to talk to Nathan first, but I feel like if I do, I might lose my nerve. I feel like shit for not telling him about everything that’s happened…and I feel even worse for not telling Lena.
I don’t think Lena is going to talk to me again after this.
But with everything that’s happened, I can’t avoid it any longer.
I text her asking to meet at her dorm because I don’t want her to have to come to me, but Lena asks to come to my apartment instead because her roommate is there.
I make it clear that I want to talk, but I try not to make it seem like an emergency.
The entire time I’m waiting for her to knock on the door, I’m sitting on the couch bouncing my knees.
I’ve planned exactly what I’m going to say, but when I hear her knock, it all leaves my head.
I stand up, hands trembling, and head to the door.
“Everything is fine, man…chill out,” I mumble to myself, and then shake my head. “Chill out? How? What am I…?” I take a breath. I cannot get into it with myself right now.
Somehow, I manage to mostly compose myself before opening the door. Lena is standing there with her brow knit in concern, but she smiles softly when she sees me.
“Ethan, I’m sorry we couldn’t meet at my place. I thought Kelly was staying out later,” she explains.
I shake my head and usher her inside before closing the door.
“It’s fine. Can I get you something to drink?” I ask her, and immediately regret it. Offering her a drink means she’ll be here even longer. If she says yes, should I wait to talk to her until after she finishes her drink?
“No, that’s okay. I brought my water,” she insists, much to my relief.
I watch her take her coat and shoes off, feeling as though I’m standing there quite awkwardly, so I walk over to the couch.
The atmosphere feels even more tense than the other night she was here. Only this time, putting on a movie and ordering Chinese food can’t fix things.
“So what do you want to talk about?” she asks me as she sits down and pulls one leg up onto the couch.
My eyes dart to her festive black-and-orange slouchy socks. Right—tomorrow is Halloween, one of her favorite holidays.
Fuck. I seriously suck.
“Ah, well…it’s about what we discussed the other night, actually,” I tell her, thinking that bringing up that conversation is the best way to start this.
“Oh, that’s great,” she says with a smile, but it’s restrained, and I can still see the anxiety in her pretty eyes.
She’s so pretty. So sweet.
My stomach hurts.
“We can talk about anything you need to. Did you research anything, or figure anything out?” she asks.
I fidget with the hem of my T-shirt. “Sort of.”
It’s quiet between us for a moment, and Lena’s expression shifts.
“Lena…you’re so kind, beautiful…so incredibly intelligent and hardworking,” I tell her. “You’re one of my best friends,” I add, my throat tight.
“This conversation isn’t ending with me meeting your parents in December, is it?” she asks, her already nervous expression falling even more.
My eyes start to burn, but I hold the emotion back as best as I can.
I can’t cry, especially not in front of her.
I shake my head. “You deserve someone who can give you what you need, touch you how you want to be touched, love you how you want to be loved. I can’t give that to you.”
She scoots closer to me and gently places her hands on my arm.
“Is this about not wanting to have sex? Sure, I enjoy it, but I told you I’m willing to work something out.” Her voice is shaky.
Seeing her getting emotional only makes my own chest tighter and the tears in my eyes heavier.
“Yes and no,” I tell her, trying to keep it together. I’m the one hurting her, so I should get my feelings under control.
“I…Lena, I kissed a guy,” I admit, blurting the words out. They sound so foreign coming from my mouth. My eyes squeeze closed, and tears gather behind my lids.
It’s silent for a moment, long enough that I feel like I need to say something else.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
Suddenly, I feel Lena’s hand on my face. Not a slap, like I deserve, but soft.
“Open your eyes,” she tells me.
I slowly obey.
“You aren’t mad at me?” I ask.
She chuckles weakly, tears dripping down her face as she takes her hand away and places it back on my arm.
“Of course I am…but I’m also not.” She sighs and sniffles. “You’re gay. That’s what you’re saying?”
My eyes widen and my face flushes. “No! I don’t…I…” I shake my head.
“Have you ever wanted to have sex with a woman?”
Tears finally break free from my eyes and run down my face. I quickly try to wipe them away and compose myself.
My hands are shaking.
“Ethan,” Lena says quietly, and grabs my hands. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I’m breaking your heart and y-you’re comforting me. That’s not how it should be.” My voice is harsher than I intended, broken up and thick.
“Look at you. You’re hurting, too. It’s not like you cheated on me and hid it from me,” she says, and then pauses. “Right?”
I shake my head. “No, no. I only kissed him once. A couple days ago. I needed time t-to figure out how to tell you, how to do this…how to…function. I haven’t even talked to Nathan about it.”
“Okay. I understand. I’m…fuck, Ethan, I can’t lie. This hurts,” she tells me, her breath hitching. “I hate losing you as a boyfriend. But…I can’t lie, I felt like this might happen.”
“You did?” I ask her, sniffling. I squeeze her hands.
“Yeah. I wanted to believe that maybe you were just asexual but could still love me romantically. We could still do all the things couples do. That I could be happy with that,” she tells me as she sucks in a breath.
“I didn’t want to be that girl who perpetuates the idea that a guy who doesn’t want to have sex with me must be gay. I also didn’t want to lose you.”
“Lena…” I whisper, and scoot closer to her.
“Don’t. I need to say this.” She takes another breath and seems to compose herself more.
“I didn’t want to even bring up the idea of you being gay because in the back of my mind, I was scared that was the truth, and it would mean losing you.
But now that we’re here…now that I know…
I also know I wouldn’t be happy even if you were asexual and simply didn’t want to have sex. ”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod slowly, letting her air her feelings.
“Because as much as this hurts, and it hurts like hell…I’m also relieved,” Lena says. “Sex is important to me, and honestly, I hated the fact that every time we got close, we were always tipsy. And that night when we weren’t…how scared you looked? Oh, baby, I felt horrible .”
I shake my head. “You don’t need to. You didn’t do anything wrong.”