Chapter 17
ETHAN
G etting through exams feels less stressful than it’s ever been. I dive into studying, reading, and taking the exams with every bit of energy I have. The instant I start to lose focus, I start thinking about Dante, and then I start crying or ranting at Nathan in frustration.
So the exams give me something to focus on.
Still, at night when I’m alone, I think of him and debate texting or calling him, but I never do. I can’t sleep in my bed because it still smells like him.
By now I should understand that it’s over, but I can’t stop thinking about him, about us .
I sleep on the couch after having the TV on for several hours, and wake up multiple times a night in discomfort and irritation. I want him here.
I want to go to him. I want to tell him that if the ritual is really so important to him, we can talk about it more. I want to tell him that I want to be with him.
But I’m scared.
It’s the weekend after exams, and I’m lying on the couch at eleven in the morning because I can’t get myself to do anything else right now. That’s not uncommon after finals, but I feel heavier than usual.
As easy as it is to get lost in the thoughts about Dante, my life, and even Lena, I’m saved by my phone ringing on the coffee table. I think it’s Nathan, but when I pick it up, it’s my mother. Immediately my heart starts pounding in my chest.
My plans for Christmas break have completely changed, and I haven’t told my parents, not even my mother, the full story.
I stare at the screen until I have no choice but to answer or let it go to voicemail.
“Hey, Mom,” I say quietly as I lean back on the couch.
“You sound terrible. Are you eating and drinking water?” she asks, not even saying hello first.
I chuckle softly. “Yes, I’m just tired from exams.” I look at the TV screen, seeing my reflection in the black glass. My hair is a mess, I’m still wearing my pajamas, and I haven’t actually eaten yet today.
“Oh, don’t lie to me. I know you’ve been having a tough time since everything with Lena. What a sweet girl. I can’t believe it didn’t work out between you two,” she tells me, sadness in her voice. I’m not sure if she’s more upset that I’m hurting, or that Lena won’t be coming to meet her.
“Yeah, about that…” I mumble. My heart flutters nervously, my fingers twitching and my throat feeling dry. I want so badly to tell her, to tell someone other than Nathan about Dante.
“Don’t you feel too bad about that, Ethan, honey. I know you’ll meet another lovely girl soon enough.” She comforts me in her own way, though knowing what I know just makes me sigh.
“I won’t,” I insist.
“Sure, you will. Your father was just talking to me about a coworker of his who has a daughter about your age. You should meet her when you get down here.”
My face turns red and I put my free hand over it. “Mother, that…isn’t going to work.”
“Why not? You don’t know until you try. You’ve certainly never been the type to give up,” she reminds me, and I hear the determination in her loving but slightly smothering voice.
I groan and flop down on the couch, but keep the phone to my ear. “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you, but I’m scared.”
“Is Lena pregnant?” she asks.
I choke on my own spit. “What?! No!”
“Good. As much as I don’t regret having you, it’s not a good idea to have children until you’ve finished school.” She sighs in relief.
I rub my face. “Lena and I broke up because…I’m gay.” The words feel like fire in my mouth.
All I hear is silence on the other end for about thirty seconds, long enough to make my anxiety rise even higher.
“Mom? Mother?” I ask, my whole body freezing.
“Well. I guess now that I think about it, it certainly makes sense.” When she finally speaks, her voice is quiet and uncertain.
“It does?” I ask.
“We never had to worry about you being alone with girls in high school, and you were always so close with Nathan,” she murmurs.
I blush hotter. “Nathan has nothing to do with this,” I insist. “He’s not…we’re not?—”
“Alright, alright. So you’re gay. Goodness. Well, your father is going to be disappointed that he can’t set you and that girl up,” she tells me with a chuckle.
“You’re not angry?” I ask.
“Angry? No, of course not, sweetheart. I know when you were younger our family’s position on homosexuality was a bit conservative, but I would never be mad at you, Ethan,” she promises me.
“Really?” I ask, slowly sitting up and trying to calm my heart down.
“Really. Now, I can’t promise everyone in the family will accept you as easily, but you’re my son, and love is beautiful. Whoever you love, I just want you to be happy.”
Tears spring to my eyes and I swallow hard, trying to keep them from running down my face, but I fail almost immediately.
“Mom…” I choke out. I take another breath. “Do you think Dad will be upset?”
“Oh, no, not at all. Actually…we’ve been meaning to tell you, we added a third to our relationship a couple months ago,” she says slowly, but almost casually.
I blink, staring at the coffee table. “Um. You did?”
“Don’t tell your father I told you. He wanted to tell you together, but if knowing will help you feel less self-conscious, I want you to know.”
“I almost don’t want to know,” I mumble.
She laughs. “I won’t go into detail, Ethan, just as I trust you not to make out in my kitchen when you come home with your new lover-boy.”
My heart jumps into my throat. “Mother, I…don’t think that’s going to happen this year.”
“So you do have a new boy. Tell me.” I can hear her smile through the phone.
I try to blink away my tears. “I met someone, but then I completely messed it up.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll work it out. What’s his name?”
I chew on my bottom lip. I’m at a crossroads now. I can either spill my guts to my mother or keep her in the dark.
I close my eyes.
“Dante. Dante Romano, but there are things you should know about him and his family.”
“Like what?”
“Do you promise not to freak out?”
“I’ll do my best, honey.”
I take a deep breath with my eyes still closed.
“His family is in the mafia. They’re dangerous, but they also keep a lot of this town going.
It’s hard to explain, but where there’s crime there’s profit.
The biggest problem is that other families want to control what the Romanos have, which is what makes us being together so dangerous.
I can be used against him. When my car was wrecked a few weeks ago, it was because of a rival family, not a normal accident.
Dante protected me. He saved my life,” I explain this in a rambling manner, though I attempt to breathe steadily through it all.
“Good Lord, Ethan,” my mother says with an exhale. “I didn’t think you could get yourself into something like that.”
“I didn’t try. It just happened. I know that sounds like an excuse, but…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, Mom.”
“Like what?” she asks.
“Happy. Wanted. When we’re together I feel safe, and it’s like I was always supposed to know him.” I blush hearing myself say those words, feeling like a kid with a silly crush.
“You’re so young; normally I’d say you might be jumping into things, but I know what it’s like to feel that way because of how I fell for your father. This Dante sounds so dangerous, though. Are you sure you want to be a part of that?” I can hear the fear in her voice.
For the first time everything feels clear in my head. Sure, I’m scared, but having everything laid out like this…I know what I want.
“Yes. I know the risks,” I tell her.
“I don’t know if I approve of…all of it. I don’t really understand the crime and danger. But I know that since you were born you’ve been teaching me new things. I want you to be happy. So why aren’t you with this young man?”
Those tears finally fall down my face. “It’s complicated. I need to fix it. I will,” I say, determined. “Just…thank you, Mom. I was so scared to tell you, to tell anyone.”
“Don’t be. I love you, and your father loves you, too. Do you want me to tell him all this for you?” she asks.
“No, I’ll tell him, but I need to go fix things with Dante,” I tell her. “I love you, too.”
“Your father is ice fishing this weekend anyhow. You know he barely has signal up there. You can tell him when you get down here,” she says.
I swallow the nervousness and try to stick to the feeling of confidence and determination this conversation has brought me.
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Let me know how it goes, sweetie.”
With that, I end the call and get in the shower faster than I ever have.
When I’m done showering, I head out into the freezing, snowy weather. My first intention is to walk to the campus coffee shop where it all started and get two coffees and two muffins. Then I’ll find a ride-share and go to Dante’s. He should be there, right?
I feel like texting him first isn’t enough. I need to just show up and tell him how I feel.
I don’t make it past getting the coffee and treats, though.
As I’m carrying everything over to the side of the parking lot where my ride is supposed to show up, the flurry of show is almost impossible to see through. It’s daytime, but the sky is a never-ending vortex of gray and white.
My cheeks and nose are numb from the cold, and it’s difficult to hold my phone with my gloves.
As I shove my phone into my coat pocket, the back of my head is suddenly burning. Pain shoots through my body as I register the hit to the back of my head and stumble forward. The drinks and the bag of muffins go flying.
I gasp and fall forward onto the icy asphalt.
The back of my head is numb and tingly, but it feels wet and warm when I reach a hand back to touch it.
“H-Help.” I can just barely get the word out as my vision goes blurry.
Another strike to my back keeps me down.
“Stupid motherfucker!” an unfamiliar voice hisses at me from above.
I try to push up from the ground, but I’m hit again, this time on my shoulder, and the pain radiates through my entire arm. I howl in pain as my face hits the pavement.
I brace to be hit again, but then I hear the wind whistling just before a gasp that quickly turns into a gurgle and a thud.
My attacker falls to the frozen ground beside me and one of his arms lands on my head.
As I try to push up, I hear footsteps crunching through the snow toward me, and then a hand is on my back.
“Don’t move, Ethan. Please don’t move,” Dante says. His voice is far more emotional and concerned than I’ve ever heard it. Even when he was saving me from the car bomb, he was calmer than this.
I don’t have much of a choice in the matter, as my body suddenly goes limp.
“Dante,” I whisper.
With what little vision I have left, I see him taking his jacket off out of the corner of my eye. Then I feel something warm against the back of my head, pushing against it. His scent surrounds me, and my fear fades away.
“Fuck, Ethan. I’m so fucking sorry,” he chokes out. “This is all my fault.”
“N-No.” I try to speak, but it’s difficult. I feel so dizzy. Tired.
I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I feel my body being turned over and then lifted into the air, the jacket still pressed tightly to my head.
“Everything will be okay. I promise,” Dante huffs out. We’re moving, but I don’t know where. In this moment I don’t really care.
“Talk to me, Ethan. Stay awake.”
I lick my lips. “Can’t. So tired.”
“Please hang on, Ethan. I love you .”
Everything goes dark.