Chapter 4
four
GRANT
Sometimes I think the silence of my apartment is going to drive me crazy. Then I spend twenty minutes in the middle of Boston’s Public Garden filled with rowdy kids and frustrated parents, and realize I take the quiet for granted.
“Clementine!” Heath’s timbering voice should be loud enough to strike fear in any normal kid. His four-year-old daughter, however, is not a normal kid. “Let go of that pigeon right now!”
The brown-eyed ball of energy only laughs at my cousin’s expense and runs off, Heath chasing after her. The internet warned him about the terrible twos when Clem was born. Nobody mentioned this.
Although my niece’s behavior is chaotic and occasionally overwhelming, I’m happy to spend time with her and her dad.
Heath has always been more like a brother to me than a cousin.
My mom welcomed him into our home every holiday, never denied him a place to stay when he got kicked out of his parents’ place, and she helped him back onto his feet once he decided to get ahold of his life.
After my mom passed, I seriously considered if I wanted to stay in Boston. There are a lot of things in this city that remind me of her, and I struggled to navigate those emotions. It’s my cousin Heath, his daughter Clem, and his wife Paris that ground me to the city I love.
They are what I have left of my family. They are the people I hold closest to my chest.
Heath and I are responsible for Clem today, with Paris on another business trip. A day with my niece may leave me exhausted, but it’s never boring.
“Grant.” Clem has thankfully set the bird free, but is giving my brawny, six-foot something cousin a true run for his money. She’s twisting and wiggling tirelessly in his arms, and Heath’s breaths are becoming shallow. “A little help here, please?”
Laughing, I walk towards them and step into my niece’s field of vision.
“Clem.” I gently poke at her stomach, earning a flow of giggles. A large smile grows on my face. Even if she’s difficult at times, Clem is the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. “How about giving your dad a break and hanging out with Uncle Grant for a minute?”
Her enthusiasm is instant. Giggling and jumping into my arms, I spin her around while thinking how lucky I am to have people like this.
“Uncle Grant,” Clem whispers while her dad plops down onto our picnic blanket. “My dad is getting old.”
I chuckle. I’m about to defend him, tell her a man in his early thirties is the furthest thing from old, but he barely lifts his head for half a second before giving up and laying back onto the blanket.
Sighing, I nod and place her down next to him. “I think so too.”
“I can hear you, you know.”
“For your age? That’s pretty good.”
He rips out some grass and tosses it at me, but the blades fall back onto the ground in a pile.
I let him take his rest, although with Clem it’s sure to be temporary, and set her up with a coloring book. My niece happily takes ahold of her worn-out crayons before saying she’ll color a picture for me.
My heart warms. Cutest kid in the world.
“Thanks, kiddo.”
I cross my legs and get comfortable next to Heath, leaning back to take in the sun. Flowers are starting to bloom again. As much as I love dressing in knitted neutrals during winter and fall, spring has a hold over my heart.
My cousin wraps up his dad power nap, huffing and sitting up next to me. “How’s your art stuff going?”
“Not bad. Got commissioned to draw a few things, made some extra money. I illustrated a pet portrait, too.”
“Hey, congrats man!” He pats a hand onto my shoulder and smiles. “That’s gonna be great for your portfolio. Proud of you for keeping at it.”
Heath knew my goals and ambitions before Keller started showering me with cash and gifts.
He saw the version of me that worked part-time and did commissions on the side during my early years of undergrad.
He doesn’t make comments that I won’t have to worry about paying the bills anymore, or getting a full portfolio done because my father can take care of it.
It’s not that Heath doesn’t know my financial situation has changed. He just doesn’t care. And I’m thankful.
His solid shoulder bumps into mine. If we were standing, I’m sure it would’ve sent me off-balance. “Anything else going on? Besides art and school?”
I clear my throat and avoid eye contact.
“A lot.”
Like every time he asks this question, I lie.
“Really?” His frowns, the telltale sign he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. We’ve been around each other so much, I easily pick up on these things. I don’t doubt he can do the same to me. “Interesting. How’s Derek, then?”
I sigh and roll my neck uncomfortably.
Lifelong best friends shouldn’t be an awkward subject.
Not when you’ve been balancing each other since elementary school.
Derek was the jock who was fawned over by parents, girls, and recruiters.
I was the art kid in the back of the room who just wanted to draw.
We were opposites, but we fit each other.
And even when Derek’s baseball skills took him to the west coast for college, and I stayed in Boston, our friendship didn’t falter. We stayed up-to-date with each other. A week or two of silence, at most.
Having him back in the city should have been good for both of us. Even better, he can see Heath and his family more often—or he could. If he answered any of our texts or calls.
I’ve made too many excuses for him. Heath didn’t believe them for long. I don’t think he’ll believe them now.
Still, for my best friend, I’ll try.
“Derek is good.”
“Yeah. Cause you would know.” My cousin chuckles, and I wonder why I thought I could lie to begin with. “If you ever hear from him again, tell him Clementine misses him.”
“I’ll hear from him soon.”
“I hope so.”
The grass I toss at Heath connects, even if it’s barely by a graze of his shoulder. He tsks and shakes his head.
“Your best friend—only friend?” He laughs and I roll my eyes. “Is still out of commission. Nothing else to report. So… aside from school, you have no life, then?”
“I have a life.”
“Besides drawing and painting all day?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Watching YouTube videos about defunct theme parks doesn’t count.”
“Well, it should.” I mumble.
Heath sighs before checking on Clementine. She continues to color chaotically on the page. A small pang of jealousy runs through me, realizing that even when she’s not looking, there’s still someone in her corner, watching after her.
These random stings of loneliness have been finding me more often, and I’m afraid if I let myself sink too far into my feelings, I won’t find my way out.
I don’t live off social interaction usually. This year, though, with my best friend being so close yet so far, and Keller’s suffocating attention, it’s felt more empty than usual.
Heath lingers on the subject longer than I’d like. Turning to me, he pries, “Seriously? Nothing?” I open my mouth to answer, then realize he’s caught every bluff before. There’s no reason to waste my breath. “No offense man, but you’re kind of a loser.”
“Okay, asshole,” I whisper, and hope Clem doesn’t hear. “I’m satisfied with my life, you know.”
I have a nice apartment, I enjoy what I do, and my skills are improving. I’m on the road to achieving my goals of illustrating children’s books. There’s not much more I can ask for.
My shrugs. “Satisfied and happy aren’t the same thing. I learned that the hard way.”
I grunt. I’m not exactly unhappy. But I wouldn’t say I’m entirely happy, either.
Everything has just been staler than I would like. Lonelier, too. There’s nothing wrong with it. And with his loving family and non-stop, stay-at-home-dad life, I wouldn’t expect Heath to get that.
“Uncle Grant!” Clementine jogs over to me, holding the squiggled coloring page on full display. “This is for you.”
“Thanks, Clem!” I take it from her and chuckle. The entire page is drowning shades of purples and yellows against the bolded black outline of a sea turtle. The laugh rocks me, and when I look up from the paper, there’s a splitting grin on her face.
“Do you like it?” She points to the lines twisting and turning with rhyme or reason. It’s a thousand times more chaotic than my life has been in the last two years.
It’s perfect.
“Yeah, kiddo. I love it.”