Chapter 28 #2
I’ve disliked Locke since I found out my father had another son. So close in age, and one he was willing to give his time to. Watching them interact makes irrationally upset, and every time I see Locke, I’m reminded of everything I never got from a dad who should have loved me.
But I can’t say I hate Locke. It’s too strong of a word.
Instead, I say, “I resent you.”
“Is that not the same thing?”
“No,” I cross my arms, “Hate is way stronger of a word.”
“It hurts the same.” Locke messes with his glasses again. It’s too many times in one sitting to be rational, and it reminds me how Lily mindlessly messes with her pen or chips her nail polish when she’s nervous. “I can’t blame you. I don’t have any negative feelings towards you, though.”
I’m still annoyed, but his claim brings me back to what started this. The conversation Liliana had with Billie, and the conversation with me that followed. This isn’t how I imagined getting to the topic, but it’s here, so I’ll take it.
“I was told you and Billie see me in a certain light. Do you mind expanding on that?”
He flinches uncomfortably. I do, too, with how awkward this is.
“It’s embarrassing.”
“What’s embarrassing is having my girlfriend lecture me about being nice to you because she thinks I’ve judged you unfairly.”
“Wait.” His eyebrows raise. “She said that?”
“Yes. After speaking to Billie.” I hold back on confessing the extent she went through to get her point across.
“Wow. Billie was telling the truth.” My face twists in confusion. He explains, “She told me they talked. She told Liliana that…”
Without meaning to, I’ve leaned in further, hanging onto every word. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to finding out what they spoke about together.
“What did she tell her? Liliana won’t tell me.”
Locke chuckles, and the widest smile I’ve seen since knowing him grows onto his face. Under the dying sunlight, I can see the faint dimple on his left cheek. It seems we both inherited that, too.
“She’s cool. You have a really good one, Grant.”
“Hey.” I point my finger. “Don’t get any ideas. Keller had his fucking nerve trying to set you two up.”
His laughter echoes off the interior of my car. It’s strange. Locke is usually pressed suits and serious faces. Here, he’s nerdy pajamas and cackles. I want to laugh along with him purely for the absurdity of it, but it still doesn’t feel right.
“Dad was messing with your head. It’s one of his tactics.”
His smile falters at the end. He recovers quickly and goes back to laughing to himself, but I caught those few seconds. Lily’s adamant claims that my siblings are the only people who know what it’s like being Keller McCarthy’s kids start echoing in my head.
I ask again, “What did Billie tell Liliana?”
Locke begins to calm, voice returning to the same even tone I’m used to. “It’s embarrassing.”
“I’d still like to know.”
Silence fills the car. Locke starts fidgeting with his glasses, and I’m sure now it’s his nervous telltale. He retreats into himself, shoulders tensing.
I can’t let the information fall past my fingers when I’ve managed to sit next to my half-brother, sharing thoughts and feelings. I’ve come too far.
“Liliana and I got into an argument over this She said the way I see you two isn’t fair, and that I make assumptions about your lives without talking to you about it. And it’s not as perfect as I make it out to be.”
Locke sniffles. “That’s vague. And accurate.”
“She’s passionate about this. She wants me to figure it out. She thinks it’ll be good for me to speak to you and Billie because you’re the only people who know what it’s like being Keller’s kids.”
I leave out the part where Liliana lectured me about my inability to forgive. I’m still trying to process it on my own.
Locke nods. He does that a lot. Whether it’s because he’s agreeing with me, or if it’s because he’s thinking. But to everything I say, he nods.
“She sounds like a great girlfriend.”
“She is. Whatever they talked about matters to her, and she went through a lot of trouble to show me I’m able to grow as a person.” I tap my fingers across my thigh impatiently. “But I need to know what I’m working with, so I can continue to grow.”
“I see.” He looks back onto the street. “Billie told her that we…” He coughs. “Really admire you. And it’s nice to have someone else who knows what it’s like to be dad’s kid.”
I breathe out. It’s not exactly what Lily has told me before, but it’s pretty close. There has to be more.
Locke glances at me nervously. “She also said that I…” He groans and drops his head into his hands. “Idolize you.”
I wait for him to correct himself, because I couldn’t have heard him right. When he doesn’t lift his head, shock and confusion drown me.
“I’m sorry. Idolize?”
“Please don’t repeat it.”
“Idolize is…” I laugh in disbelief. “A lot.”
He continues to talk, voice muffled through his hands. “That’s why I’m mortified.”
“Why would you idolize me?”
He throws his head back against the headrest. “Because. You’re so cool. You don’t take any shit from dad. You do whatever you want. You have a super-hot girlfriend-”
I snap my fingers and point at him. “You’re getting a little too comfortable with the compliments, Locke.”
He chuckles a bit but continues to stare at my car’s ceiling.
“Dad scares me. I do whatever he wants. I always have. But when he tries with you, you don’t.
You never fall in line.” If I wasn’t listening intently to every word he whispers, I would’ve missed it.
“You’re the older brother I’ve always wanted. ”
Shock courses through me. This isn’t even the opposite of what I thought. It’s in another dimension. It’s other worldly. My assumptions about Locke, Billie, and my relatives are backwards, and I press my hand onto my forehead.
“But when I’m around, you’re so quiet and fidgety, like you hate being around me.”
“I’m shy.”
I glance over at the passenger seat, and it’s like a new person is there. Shoulders slumped and falling into himself, the idea I’ve built of Locke crashes. He starts to speak again despite me struggling to get ahold of my thoughts.
“Billie told Liliana one more thing. Being our dad’s child isn’t perfect. It feels empty.” He shakes his head and looks at me, eyes lost and forlorn. It’s a feeling I know too well. “Empty was the wrong word. She should have said lonely.”
I’ve felt distanced from Billie and Locke in every way. By how we were raised, and how we look, with the only connecting factors being our eyes and our last names.
When Locke says the one thing I’ve always thought about being Keller’s child, it’s the first time I see the resemblance. There are some things people won’t understand unless they experience it themselves.
I can’t stop myself from asking, “How is it lonely for you?”
It’s not sarcastic or accusing. It’s genuine curiosity.
His throat bobs. “I can’t even imagine what you went through.
Just you and your mom. We didn’t know dad had another kid until I was in middle school.
” It’s a punch to my gut, but not any new information.
He wasn’t loud with acknowledging me, and mom told me how he hurried to cover up the HR scandal their affair caused.
What does surprise me is how Locke’s eyes gloss over, his glasses doing nothing to hide the tears gathering in his waterline.
“I’m so sorry he treated you like that. You have a right to hate us. He should have brought you into our lives when it mattered. Not after you’ve already grown up.”
Tears hit denim. Locke wipes his away before they touch the cotton of his pants, but mine drip off my chin.
No one has ever said this to me before.
“He forced us into your life. You push us away because it’s hard to see. He doesn’t give you a chance to grow into it. He’s cruel, and he doesn’t care.” He sniffles and sets his shoulders back. “I’m sorry, Grant.”
Emotion rocks me and my shoulders shake through the cries. Liliana is the closest anyone has ever gotten to understanding how I would describe my father.
“Cruel is the perfect word.”
Locke nods and presses his fingers into his eyes. “Dad forces Billie and I into things. We pursue degrees that will apply to the company. We act a certain way in public. In case someone is watching. He pretends to be a good father on the outside.”
“And at home?”
“We don’t exist to him.” Locke frowns. Tears hit cotton. “Dinners are for show.”
“But on Thursdays-”
“He said that to get you around the family. Trying to lure you in.” My stomach drops.
I thought Keller was using my siblings to torture me.
He’s twisted it both ways. “The mall was the first time I saw him since my acceptance dinner. Mom had a collaboration with one of the stores. He wanted the family to show. It was last minute. I think that’s why he didn’t bother asking you. ”
My body is numb with the crashing realization of everything. Why Lily wanted this for me, and how wrong I’ve been about them my entire life.
“What about your mom? She doesn’t say anything about how he treats you?”
He chuckles, but it’s dripping in sarcasm. “Ask my mother what Billie’s allergic to. She doesn’t know. Then, ask her about one of her purses. She’ll answer with the name, brand, color, price.” His head shakes. “She married my father for an allowance. She has priorities. Family isn’t one of them.”
Every time I’ve been around the McCarthys, my stepmother fades in and out of memory. She’ll show up, then disappear again. But Billie and Locke stay anchored to each other, like they’re all they’ve got.
“It’s lonely.” I repeat what he said. It’s an agreement for us. “We get each other.”
Locke’s cheeks are starting to dry. He looks up at me and smiles. “Yeah.”
Everything has changed. It’s me who pities him.
Locke doesn’t come off as poised or put together; just lost among the chaos of his family trauma and daddy issues.
I remember the life I grew up with, my mother who loved me unconditionally and selflessly, and I realize it was me who grew up rich, not him.
“I’m sorry for misjudging you.”
I wouldn’t blame him if he got angry with me. But he doesn’t. The tears are dried now, faint red circles being the only indicator that they were there in the first place, and Locke smiles.
“Don’t be sorry. We understand one another now.”
It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I fall back into the leather fabric of my seat and grin.
“Thank you.” Two words I thought I’d never say to him. I mean it. “For being patient about everything and agreeing to come out here.”
“Of course. You’re my brother.”
I am. By technicality, but more importantly, by the bond that weaved itself into our lives.
The resentment tied to him falls apart. Without the negative mold I’ve forced him into, I don’t know much about Locke.
Just that he’s my brother, he’s shy, and he’s the reason Liliana and I started talking again.
I reach over, slapping my hand on his shoulder. “And thanks for getting me my girlfriend.”
“What?”
Our chuckles mix, amused and confused.
“Oh man, I have stories. You know that assignment I used as an excuse?”
“The fake one?”
“Yeah- wait. You knew?”
“I said you were obvious.”
I laugh again, shaking my head. “Okay, fine. Yeah, the fake one. But the kicker is that before you walked into the café that day, I hadn’t spoken to Liliana in almost a year.”
“Oh.” He moves back in shock. “I thought she was always your girlfriend.”
“I fucking wish.” My body gets comfortable, leaning back against the car door.
There was never anything Locke had to be sorry for. It was me, my stubborn anger towards my father, who needed to fight for forgiveness. By his loose shoulders, I don’t think he’ll hold my false narratives against me. I won’t, either.
With our mirrored postures, sitting comfortably in our seats and bodies relaxed, I cut the ignition.
“Okay, so this is where it starts. In undergrad, I walk into my comms class, and there’s the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen sitting in the front row…”