Chapter 20 #3
“It’s not pathetic. No amount of money can undo a lifetime of cruelty.
That’s something you have to unravel yourself, in your mind.
Somewhere in your heart, probably, too.” I make quick work in wiping away my tears.
When I open my eyes, the world is blurry, but Rosie’s kindness is in full focus.
“I don’t think you’re a bad person because it’s hard for you to make a life away from what you’ve always known.
But I think you should know, that with that money, you have the resources to do whatever you want.
Create a life full of your own passions and joys, and not what your father expects from you. ”
My arms wrap tightly around her, head burying into her neck. “I don’t know what my passions are. Or my joys. I don’t know any future that doesn’t involve my dad.”
She laughs. I feel like the world could swallow me at any second, as revenge for all my failures and shortcomings, and Rosalie is laughing. I know it’s not at me, but for me. It’s the only thing that gives me comfort.
“Well, I can answer the first two for you. You’re passionate about your loved ones, and especially your siblings.
You care about them so deeply. Liliana told me about you and Grant—how you always considered him a brother, before he even wanted a relationship with you and Billie.
I hear the way you talk, like you would rather take the worst of your father’s behavior, if it means he won’t push it onto them.
I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with that much kindness in their heart. ”
While she’s out here praising me for caring about others, she’s affording me just the same kindness.
When I thought no one would accept me as anything but my father’s son, Rosie saw me.
She cared about “Locke” before she cared about “McCarthy”.
I’m being complimented for my kindness, but it’s really her who deserves that praise.
She continues, “I know about your joys, too. You love anime and video games. And although it takes you some time to get through schoolwork, you enjoy your classes. You like software engineering.”
I grumble, “I’m not good at it.”
“You’re not as good as you want to be. There’s no want if there’s no care.”
I still feel exposed and vulnerable. There’s something healing about it, though.
These pieces of me have been buried for so long, it’s like they’re seeing the sun for the first time.
The more Rosie pulls away parts of myself I never thought someone would see, the further warmth spreads through my heart.
“You have the resources to do something with all of this. Start a business with Grant and Billie. Go into the animation industry with something on the technical side. Shit, get another degree if you want to! Whatever it is you decide, you just need to believe in yourself to do it. Once you’re brave enough to try, you can. ”
She slips my glasses back on. I see everything clearly. The hopeful glint in her brown eyes, and the alternate futures that only started to arise once she appeared in my life.
Rosie slips herself into every piece of who I am. It’s like I’ve been redefined.
From avoiding long-term futures to wanting them, because I see her there. From avoiding the world to wanting to share it with her.
I’ve never imagined a reality without Dad breathing down my neck, telling me what to do or who to be.
It was too masochistic of a fantasy. I don’t have to imagine now.
Rosalie plants seeds of a life I never thought possible, and waters them with her words.
They grow so tall and strong, I have to see them.
They’re so beautiful, I can’t help but believe in them.
My lips find hers easily—like they’re tethered. It’s three, five, eight small kisses before I breath out, “I can’t believe I existed without you.”
Rosalie doesn’t reply with words, but with kisses of her own, and smiles that leave me hopeful for a different life.
An existence where this vulnerability seeps into every day, and one where the sole person who decides my fate, is me.
I don’t see that life emerging anytime soon, but Rosie makes it feel less like a wish and more like a promise.
“You’ll never have to exist without me again, okay?” It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. I let everything but my adoration for her slip away, falling completely into her embrace. “We should relax for the night. No more thinking about bad dads or shitty office days.”
I chuckle. “What do you have in mind?”
She hums. It reverberates off my skin and into my heart. “Do you want to play a video game? We can play one of the two people player games-”
“Yes. Absolutely. I’ll boot up my PC right now.”
“Don’t you want to change first?”
“Fuck it.” I’m too excited by the thought of sitting Rosie on my lap and showing her my collection of games to choose from. She yelps when I stand, keeping her in my arms and wrapping her legs around me. “I hope you don’t expect to leave my room tonight.”
Her lips stretch into a smirk. “I’d stay in your room forever if I could.”
Something stirs in me. I push it away, because I don’t want Rosie to think I’m getting her in my bedroom for sex. Even if that’s something I’d be happy to do when she’s ready.
Willing away the feeling, I walk towards our hallway, holding her in my arms.
“Say the word, Rosalie. I’ll keep you forever if you let me.”