Chapter 28
twenty-eight
ROSIE
I tanked it.
The most important exam of my entire life, and I tanked it.
It doesn’t make any sense. There was nothing I hadn’t studied back and forth, up and down, hours and hours on end. I knew every subject that was thrown at me. I should’ve breezed through each page.
The numbers started blurring together when the first of the four final candidates turned in their work. My mind ran blank while the analog clock above the door ticked away. When Jeremiah tossed a look over his shoulder and scoffed, things stopped making sense.
I was the last person to finish. Probably the least confident. And definitely the only one walking out with the weight of the world pressing on her shoulders, waterworks threatening to flood her waterline.
Just wait, I yell at myself. Wait until you get home to cry, at least.
The hallways I’ve walked countless times feel daunting now. Weaving in ways I don’t remember them doing, and walls closing in while I walk in double steps.
Hold it back until you get home.
“Rosalie.” A soft but commanding voice calls out my name, and I suck all my emotions into a vault. Slam the door shut and throw away the key.
“Dr. Adebayo!”
There’s fake joy injected in my tone. I hadn’t realized I was walking past her office, or that her head was peeking out from the door. I hope she doesn’t notice how scarily close I was to losing my cool.
The only thing worse than becoming a wreck in front of my classmates, would be embarrassing myself in front of her.
How humiliating would it be to lose my composure in front of a woman with so much grace and class?
Said humiliation hits ten times as hard when you’re standing so close to the finish line.
Her head tilts. Perfectly styled bun not losing one strand of hair when she nods at me. “Is everything all right?”
My stomach drops.
“Of course!” The artificial joy makes its way into my voice. Only this time, it sounds even less convincing.
Dr. Adebayo thins her lips into a smile and sidesteps. “Do you have time to step into my office?”
I take a deep breath. Will myself to keep my composure together when I nod and enter the room.
The large, red oak desk and certificates lining the walls are familiar. I’ve visited her office many times before. Asking about degree requirements and inquiring about the Xion internship. Silently hoping she’d offer to write me a letter of recommendation.
I found out later she’s ineligible for that because of her standing in the department, but it was worth a shot.
The heavy door closes behind her. Dr. Adebayo motions for me to take a seat in one of her plush office chairs, and she takes the one to my right. Immediately, I start to overthink myself.
Where I plop into the seat, she descends into it. Gracefully, with the fabric of her dark gray slacks staying in place the entire time. Her white button-up blouse is rolled up at the sleeves, and I bet it’d look unprofessional on someone else. But on her, it’s chic. Authoritative.
Her hands lace together upon her lap, legs crossing, and I’m in awe.
“Today was your Xion Group exam, if I’m not mistaken.”
It’s not a question. She doesn’t stutter, doesn’t wonder, because a woman like this has everything together. The stress of ten minutes ago hits again full force.
“Yes. I just got out of it when we ran into each other.”
She nods, small smile reappearing on her face. “I see.”
I’m jealous. I want to smile, too, but the internship dreams I might’ve just thrown away press too heavily on my mind. My teeth are breaking the skin of my cheek when Dr. Adebayo’s lips downturn.
“How did it go?” I gulp. Drop my head, because I can’t bear to look at a personification of my hopes and dreams anymore. She hums. “Not good. That’s okay. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it.”
I almost laugh. I idolize Dr. Adebayo in ways I don’t think other people could ever understand. I don’t expect her to comprehend how devastating today is, either.
She tsks, and I keep my head down.
“Failing an internship doesn’t define your probability for a successful career, Rosalie.”
The incredulous laugh finally creeps out of my throat. “Dr. Adebayo-”
“Call me Keyshia.”
She’s smiling again, wide and welcoming, but I’ve fallen into shock.
Me? On a first name basis with her?
Her hand does a rolling motion for me to keep talking, and I shove my nerves down.
“Keyshia,” I test the waters. She nods. “With all due respect, I think it’s hard to emphasize how important this internship is to my future. It is very important.”
My turns head down again, staring at her through my lashes. I’ve never been the type of student to let grades and test scores discourage me. A bad assignment here or there is manageable, because my overall performance will always balance it out.
The chilling truth now is that this is worth more to me. Some people work their whole lives for a good grade, or a degree, but my sleepless nights have been for a promised career in the industry I love. I’m perfect for it on paper. I’ve proven that.
It’s the respect of others I can’t seem to grasp. This internship is it. I can solidify my place early and show I’m capable. No one can deny that or me. There’s more resting on this than she knows.
Or, at least, that’s what I think. Until Dr. Adebayo lets her shoulders shrug, leaning over the arm rests to pat my hand softly.
“Did the cruelness of the world convince you that proving yourself to others was the only way you can succeed? That’s sure what it sounds like.”
The sickly familiar feeling of tears welling is back, and I try to press them down. Try to show strength in front of the woman who I hold in the highest regard, but it’s almost impossible to, when she squeezes my hand and gives me a soft smile.
“You remind me so much of myself, Rosalie. Filled with so much passion and drive, that it feels almost unbearable at times. That’s how you feel, isn’t it?”
I choke out a half-hearted laugh. “Yes, that’s exactly how it feels. Like I…”
“Want something so badly, you’re willing to give your last breath for it. And you know everyone can see that, but instead of admiring your hard work, they push you down continuously. Like you’re doing wrong for wanting something so bad and earning it.”
I’m floating. It’s euphoric to hear my deepest thoughts said in a voice other than my own.
The fact that it’s Dr. Adebayo saying these things, and saying she sees herself in me, heightens everything.
Selfishly, I indulge in the delusions of her words being a prophecy.
One day it could be me sitting on the right, headstrong and accomplished and all-knowing.
The stress of the day escapes me in the form of a teardrop hitting leather. Usually, I would try to hide it. For once, in the cramped space of the engineering building, I don’t feel like I need to.
“I’m so happy you see yourself in me. Honestly, you’re exactly what I want to be in the future. A successful and respected woman in her field.”
Keyshia chuckles under her breath and pats my hand. “You’ll get there, Rosalie, I’m sure. But it’s only right I warn you. It won’t be easy. You’ll have hundreds of breakdowns just like this one, and you’ll feel every emotion under the sun. Not one minute of it will be simple.”
I let out a deep breath. She’s not saying anything I didn’t already figure would happen in my future, but it still stings to hear it confirmed.
The defeat must show itself on my face, because Dr. Adebayo shakes her head.
“That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you want something, you fight for it.
It’ll weigh on you that other people don’t have to fight for it, but it’s not about them.
It’s about you. Rosalie, fight for yourself and what you want.
That’s how people will take you seriously.
Anyone can brush off numbers or grades or skills.
No one can disregard true passion and heart. ”
Her stare points. Knowing, like she’s sewn a second meaning within her words. They’re too aligned with everything I’ve dragged my subconscious through over the last year.
I gulp and ask, “Were the guys in your college horrible too?”
Her laugh is quiet, partially filled with humor and partially filled with irony. If it wasn’t so familiar to me, I would’ve missed it.
“Oh, yes. You don’t think men were threatened by a strong, intelligent, Black woman outwitting them at every turn? The first time I beat a colleague for a promotion, he called for a company-wide investigation and accused me of embezzling funds.”
“Embezzling funds?” My eyebrows scrunch. “What role were you in that made embezzling funds possible?”
“I wasn’t. That’s the funniest part.”
We laugh together, and roll our eyes, but I think we both find it only half-funny. There will never be a full chortle of humor behind sexism. It’s just easier to chuckle at its ridiculousness than stew over it.
Just as our small fit of laughter is dying out, Dr. Adebayo’s hand pats mine again.
“The truth is, unfortunately, experiences like that will always find you. Being upset that they exist is understandable and valid. But letting them hinder you from what you want would be a shame. A mind like yours should never be stunted by the opinion of anyone. Not your peers, or jealous colleagues you meet along the way. And definitely not Xion; No matter how prestigious they may be.”
My eyes are dry. I don’t feel the need to wring my frustrations out in sobs, but the emotions haven’t escaped me.
I still feel overwhelmed, and worried, and unsteady.
Her encouragements are a solace, though.
They support me to a point where it doesn’t feel like I’m carrying unfair expectations alone.
“Thank you,” I manage to say through a shaky breath. “It’s like you know exactly what to say.”
“When I was your age, I wished there was a woman in a position like mine, that would tell me everything would be okay. That even in the face of adversity, what you’ll accomplish will make everything worth it.
The important part of it is to know yourself.
Instead of trying to convince everyone else what you’ve done, celebrate your achievements for you.
“The only person that needs to know you deserve this, is you, Rosalie. Everything else will follow. Other people will recognize your greatness. How they respond to it is out of your hands, but it won’t change what you’ve done. Be proud of you, and fight for you. That’s all you need.”
A lump gets caught in my throat. Instead of choking on it, I take a breath. Inhale the words I didn’t know my heart needed so desperately.
Dr. Adebayo is everything I want to be. Not only because of how effortlessly she commands the room, but because of this.
Her experiences have shaped her into an inspiring woman and paved a path for me to follow.
It doesn’t surprise me she’s able to strike a chord in my heart, exactly where my hopes have been held taunt by the harsh words of my peers.
Everything loosens. That tight grip on my dreams, and the suffocating hold of wanting other people to see me as the powerful and intelligent woman that I am. The pressure on my chest is starting to lighten. I can breathe.
I know I deserve everything I’m given. I don’t need anyone to prove that to me, and I don’t need to prove it to anyone else. I’ve said it to myself before, and only half believed it. It’s harder to believe in something when it’s just one person.
It’s not just me, though. It’s her, too. And Liliana. And my family, who let me chase my fantastical psychic math dreams for so many years. I’d like to think Grant, and Derek, and Billie would say they believe in me too, if they were asked.
I know, without a doubt, Locke believes in me. I can’t recall a moment since we met where he hasn’t believed in or supported me. Maybe he saw something in me that I haven’t been able to view myself. I’ll forever be thankful that he took the time to look and see that greatness all on his own.
My shoulders fall in relief and Keyshia’s posture changes too. She releases my hand, smiles, and leans back into her chair.
“Xion Group is not the end all, be all for your dreams. I’m sure it’d be nice to…” A high-pitched hum swirls while she runs her eyes across the room. “Go beyond some of the people who doubt you. But even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter.”
“Because I can go anywhere or do anything I put my mind to. I don’t need them or anyone else to tell me I can.”
“That’s right.”
She winks at me, and we’re on the same page. Leveling the same field—almost like she sees us as equals. The exam from hell feels like worlds away now. It could be.
A smirk plays on my lips. The one Dr. Adebayo tosses me is the same.
Finally, I can envision myself in that exact position. Headstrong and powerful and taking on the world.