25. Lydia
Amonth and a half after the breakup
“Guys,” I whine. “We need to make it to the arena ten minutes ago. You need to get registered.”
How is it I have a group of college-aged boys to look after, and I’m ready before all of them? Don’t stereotypes paint the girl as someone who takes forever to get ready? And yet, I’m the one who is waiting around.
A part of me understands it. We’re back in Vegas for the Collegiate Esports Championships. We qualified for a few tournaments after the one we hosted, and if I’m being honest, I didn’t think that we could do it. Some schools spend money on scholarships to recruit the best players, and then there’s us. The newbies. When we won the Celsius Invitational and took home a whopping ten thousand dollars, I couldn’t believe it. We beat out one of the top-ranked colleges and the commentators called it, and I quote, “a twist I never saw coming.”
“They are from Silicon Valley,” the other commentator quips. “Maybe we should’ve.”
It wasn’t by chance that the kids won the tournament. They practice a lot. They’re losing sleep because of how much they’re playing. I have to ask them if they’re still doing well in their classes because if they aren’t, they’re on probation. And now that there’s big shit on the line, like the chance to compete in the Worlds tournament in Seoul and the possibility of being picked up by a pro team, they’re going to regret not working hard enough on their classes.
Everything’s feeling bittersweet after our home tournament, where I confessed to Landon that this would be it. Whatever happens after this tournament is the end for me. I thought that I was stronger than I actually am. I thought that I could try and push past the negative thoughts that have become associated with video games, but it only hurts me even more. Because Griffin and I aren’t together. I want to respect his wishes to focus on himself because his mental health is important too, but what if he’s it for me?
All at once, the team flocks to me. Shit, took them long enough. Why does it look like they didn’t even do anything to their appearances? What were they doing upstairs this whole time? You know what, I’m not going to ask. When the opening ceremony starts, and they aren’t there to see whatever famous streamer makes the opening remarks, they’ll be sorry. I’m tempted to leave them behind. They’re announcing the Director of the Year at this ceremony, and even though I applied, I don’t think I will win.
I eye Landon, the appointed manager of the weekend because I didn’t want to subject myself to walking into their hotel rooms to do a wellness check on them. He’s the last one to join the group.
“What took so long?” I scowl.
“Sorry,” Landon speaks on behalf of the group. “We got...distracted.”
“I swear to God if you tell me you got distracted by the fucking Switch in the room...”
‘We got a PS5,” Dev whispers.
A PS5? What kind of room did they get upgraded to? And why did I get stuck with a Wii? You know what? I take it back. I’m making a mental note to immediately load up Wii Sports when I get back. I need the release, and what better way to do it is to play a game of boxing, or three?
“Don’t you have a PS5 at your apartment?”
“Yeah, but you know us, Lids. You put us in a hotel that comes with a console in every room. We’re not going to waste the opportunity to play.”
I roll my eyes. I can’t believe that in a few short weeks, some of these boys are going to be in the workforce. For some big-name tech companies too. Well, I guess with the jobs they’ll be working, they can work whatever hours of the day as long as the job gets done. If that means starting at eleven in the morning but jumping back on at eight at night, then so be it.
“Okay, but we still need to check in, and there’s a ceremony being held. And we need to go all the way to the Venetian.” It may only be two blocks, but two blocks on the Strip almost equates to half a mile.
“Sorry, Lids. I shouldn’t have lost track of time.” Landon chimes in. I’m elated that my little brother is here, and I think that he makes a good team manager. I wish that he could have done more to help out with esports this season, but he had his internship, and now we’re playing the waiting game on whether or not they want him to return. He’s the only one who knows about my departure, and I wanted him to be here when I tell the team over dumplings tonight at dinner. I really can’t be too hard on him because he is volunteering his own time to help me. That, plus bribing him with free lodging and food pretty much sealed the deal.
“It’s fine,” I say as my shoulders sag. “Let’s just start moving.”
We speed walk down Las Vegas Boulevard and past a marquee that, in big letters, says, “Your Western Conference Finals meets again! Knights v. Stingrays, Friday at 7 PM.” Behind the big letters are two players in uniform, crossing their arms menacingly. One is a Vegas player, and the other is Griffin. They both look intimidating, with no smiles, like this really was going to be a serious game that filled the stadium. A part of me wished I could reach out and touch his face on the marquee, if I was tall enough. Or had a ladder.
My pace slows, and without thinking, I stop in my tracks to stare up at the marquee.
“Lids,” Landon grabs a hold of my arm. He looks up and nods when he realizes what’s stopped me from taking another step forward.
“You okay?” he whispers close to my ear.
“I didn’t know he’d be here,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. Griffin doesn’t owe me anything. I mean, I doubt he knows that I’m here too. He’s got a lot going on, obviously. Playing a team that he considers a big rival. I guess it just took me by surprise. That despite whatever powers that be not wanting us to be together, we’re still stuck being in the same place at the same time. Again.
“Come on, Lydia,” Landon says. “There’s so many people in Vegas. There’s no chance that you’ll run into him.”
“I know.” But what if I wanted to? Is that really desperate?
I feel my cheeks flush, and tears fall from my face like raindrops. I was getting on the boys for making us late, and now look at me. I’m holding everything up because I can’t seem to get over the love of my life, and as much as I tell myself that I don’t need to get caught up in a celebrity romance because I’ve learned that I don’t want people talking shit about me behind my back. Seeing Griffin everywhere drives me to the edge, where I feel like I’m trying to balance myself, but I feel like I’m going to fall.
“I really miss him, though,” I sob. Landon stands in front of me and wraps his arms around mine. I grip onto him for dear life, and he doesn’t complain that I might be crushing him. He just lets me cry it out. On the Strip. While hundreds of people walk by us and stare. I know I’m being weird. That a freaking street performer or someone dressed with nothing but pasties and feathered wings looks like they belong more than I do. But I’m in so much pain that I just need to let it out, and that’s what I’m allowing myself to do.
“I know,” he says into the top of my head. “No one ever said getting over a breakup was easy.”
“I’m conflicted, is all. I want to tell myself that I understand why Griffin did it. But I’m also realizing that unless I’m as famous as Griffin is, there’s not a world where we can be together.”
“That’s not true. There are plenty of famous people who date nonfamous people, and they seem to get through it just fine.” He pulls back for a moment. “I’ll say this bluntly because I’m your brother and I love you, and you need to hear it. If Griffin really loved you, he’d try to figure out a way to persevere through the media to still be with you. His wanting to take the easy way out only proves to me that he’s a coward. And you don’t deserve that.”
Ouch. But it’s the truth. I was going to try and make it work, even if I might be thrown expletives and vitriol for the rest of my life. Because I love him. But if he doesn’t want to do the same for me, then maybe we have different priorities.
“I don’t,” I remind myself. I wipe the snot from my nose and keep walking towards the hotel. “I deserve the best. And I’m going to give that to myself.”
We make it to the ballroom, somewhat sweaty and quite uncomfortable. The room’s dark and full of students and staff watching the stage as the “guest of honor,” a streamer that goes by DeeDeeKay speaks to the crowd about how one day they can be like him and play esports professionally. A lot of references to “sacrifice” gets thrown around, and I forget for a moment that this guy probably dropped out of college to pursue esports full-time. Do I want to be spreading the same kind of message? Not really, but if you gotta dream, then shoot for the stars.
“There’s something so special about being a part of the esports community,” he continues. “When I was a kid, I loved to play video games, but my parents never believed that it could be my real life. They didn’t see esports being the next big thing. Frankly, because they thought staring at a screen all day was going to rot my brain. To me, playing video games was the escape that I needed after a day at school. After a day of being bullied. After another failed test. But somehow, I was able to be quick on my fingers, and after practicing every day, I became one of the top-ranked players in the world.
“There were a lot of times when I felt like giving up, don’t get me wrong. I would win a game but then lose the next four. When I was in college, I wanted to drop out because I was doing so well in gaming, and I thought I needed to devote as much time in the day as possible to playing. Trying to convince my parents was...a battle, to say the least.” He chuckles, and the audience joins in, maybe because some of them can relate.
“They told me that if I was going to essentially throw away my career—that they thought would be in Electrical Engineering, which is what I was studying—then they weren’t going to help me. They said I could fuel my passion with the money I earned. So I dropped out of college and worked to become a professional gamer. My income came from people who paid for subscriptions to my stream and eventually from tournament wins. My parents thankfully came around too and support me now, even though they didn’t before.”
I peer over at the students sitting next to me, how their gazes fixate on him like he’s ethereal. They all aspire to be like this one day, and even if their pathway may be an unconventional one, they know that they have to work hard to get there as anyone would for a job. My mouth tilts up a bit when I realize that even if the last few weeks have been a lot, I’m happy to be back here with these eager students, excited to see where they’ll go after they graduate and leave the university.
“A lot of you here might be in the same boat. Thinking about going into this full-time, but wanting to give it up in search of something that might bring more success. Don’t give up, guys. Your belief in the success of esports paves the way for people to continue paying attention. Don’t let the what if bring you down. Remember why you love the game, and find a way to keep going. Because let me tell you, we’re just getting started.”
The crowd roars in applause and some begin leaping out of their seats, giving this guy a standing ovation for how he was able to touch the hearts and minds of almost everyone in this room. Myself included. Griffin may have given up on us, and I might have wanted to give up on my team, but I need to remind myself that I made it this far, and if I let this go now, someone else will take this opportunity. I can’t let them do that. There’s still work that I need to do, and if these kids want me to be with them for the long haul, then I will. I’ll do it for them.
The tournament producer walks up and thanks the streamer, whose real name is Daniel Kim (middle name not Dae, but everyone does wonder), and segues to the next part of the program, announcing the Director of the Year. Honestly, I had forgotten about this award until I got a reminder email a week ago from the Collegiate Esports Association. My computer flashed with animated fireworks, “We can’t wait to welcome you back to Las Vegas for some fun gameplay and exciting awards, including our prestigious Director of the Year award, complete with a trip to the League Worlds Championship in Seoul!” and it perked me up for a moment, before realizing that I probably didn’t win. If I do, if somehow I have an application that wows the judging panel, then maybe that’s even more reason to stay.
“Now, I have the pleasure of announcing this year’s Director of the Year. Many amazing directors submitted their applications to be considered, and as part of the judging panel, I can tell you it was difficult to choose just one person for this award. The Director of the Year is someone who we believe exemplifies what it means to be a leader. Someone who devotes themselves to their team and their success, someone who, like Daniel mentioned, isn’t going to just give up when the going gets tough. They’re always working hard to improve their team and figure out ways to make it better. They’re championing esports to their school communities, even when people want to question the success of esports as a whole.
This director is someone we believe goes above and beyond for their team and their school. Who has faced a lot of adversity in only a few short months, but we’ve seen them thrive and succeed. Their esports teams have won several tournaments and are here today to hopefully win one more.”
I rub my sweaty palms together. He could be talking about so many people. It can’t be me, even if I’m checking off the boxes too.
“When we asked the students what they thought about their director, they said, ‘We know that they have gone through a lot. We’ve seen them at their lowest lows. And even though we were hesitant to give them a chance at first, we can confidently say they have done so much for us and for our esports teams that without them, we don’t know what we would do. We don’t think we could survive.’
It is my honor to present this year’s Collegiate Esports Association Director of the Year to Lydia Goh, Los Gatos University.”
I don’t blink. I don’t move an inch. I’m still as the people in the room roar for me. I turn to Landon as he tries to grab me by my elbow and hoist me up. He gives me a huge bear hug and whispers, “I’m so proud of you.”
The team is clapping wildly as Landon and the team move me to the aisle because I’m too stunned to move myself. I stumble before making it down the rows and rows of teams and try to flash my smile to everyone who’s now standing and clapping for me. When I walk up to the stage to accept my award, the director steps aside as an invitation to say a few words. Shit, I didn’t rehearse anything. I don’t even know what I could say beyond a simple “thank you.”
“Um, wow.” I breathe. “It is so surreal that I am up here right now accepting this award. Um. I’ll try to keep this brief because I know we are ready to move into a night of gaming. I just want to say thank you to the LGU esports teams. You all make me so proud with everything you’ve accomplished this past year. They aren’t here, but thank you to the LGU Department of Student Life that gives their time and resources to growing esports. Um...to my parents who have been there for me and supported me when I made this scary career change. Oh!” I look to the row to the rest of the team.
“The biggest shout out to my brother, Landon. These last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life, but Landon has stood firmly by my side, and I am so happy that he could take time out of his busy schedule to assist me this weekend and see me accept this award. Landon, I love you, and I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished the past four years. Thank you to the Collegiate Esports Association, again, for this amazing award and honor. I...it makes me happy to be surrounded by people who love the sport so much. Just keep playing. That’s all I have to say. Thank you again.”
The crowd erupts in claps again as I walk to take my seat. I sit down, and the team takes their turns congratulating me on my award while I try to calm myself down from the high of walking up and taking the stage. I actually did it. I managed to somehow make a difference in the esports world.
I just wish I could tell the one other person who stood by my side for most of the journey about it as well.