Chapter Nineteen #2
Unfortunately, Caleb is suddenly invested in the idea. “Every woman should know self-defense.”
“Agreed. Just like every man should know to limit the number of times he mentions his mother on a date.”
He flashes a grin. “I’ll try to remember that.”
“Good.”
“You know what, Gunnilda can teach you.”
“Gunnilda?”
He nods. “She’s one of our top operators. She was part of Jegertroppen, Norway’s female armed special forces.”
I think about that. “So, could she kill you with her bare hands?”
“Definitely.”
I grin, glad to know there’s at least one woman who can physically intimidate a seasoned warrior like Caleb. “Is she huge then?” I ask.
“She’s not small.”
“Is she nice?” I ask uneasily. I’m not exactly someone with a high threshold for pain.
“She isn’t not nice, exactly.”
“What does that mean?” I’m not sure I like the picture he’s painting of her.
“She’s a little rough around the edges, that’s all.”
This is not going to end well for me, I can feel it in my gut. No one named Gunnilda is going to be concerned about my pain tolerance. “Maybe we should take a pottery class together instead.”
“I thought you wanted me to be in my element.”
“That was before I was worried about my physical safety.”
“You’ll be fine. Gunnilda knows what she’s doing.”
Stop worrying, Ashira. Just do whatever it takes to save the company. I picture my mother’s face, and it strengthens my resolve.
On our drive back home, I broach the subject of Netanya Li. I still can’t quite figure out what he’s looking for when I set him up with women who tick all the boxes.
“What did you think of Netanya? Putting aside how it all went down, did you like her?”
“She was all right.”
Not exactly the enthusiasm I was hoping to hear, but maybe it’s his anxiety talking. It’s probably trying to convince him of all the reasons it’s safer to say no than take a leap of faith. “Would you have wanted a second date, in theory?”
“Not really.”
“It’s scary.” I nod. “But I think that if we give you some tools for your toolbox, and a tranquilizer or two, you might be surprised how painless dating can be. Especially once you meet someone you really like.”
He doesn’t respond. A sudden wave of guilt washes over me. Am I selfish for doing this, for using him to save my business? Even if that’s true, isn’t it still good for him to put himself out there? How else is he going to find the love of his life?
Strong and steadfast. Consistent. Those are the things he needs from me right now, though he may not know it. I have to stay focused on the goal, and not get caught up about his feelings.
The traffic light turns red and he brakes to a stop. Light illuminates the bottom half of his face and I notice the subtle frown on his lips.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt, lowering my face into the palms of my hands. “You don’t have to do this.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he says, turning to me in surprise. “I want to help you—”
“And yourself?” I cut in, my voice hopeful.
“And myself,” he says wearily. “And there’s nothing wrong with the women, not at all. But something’s missing.”
“What?”
He shrugs and stares ahead. “I have no desire to stay up and talk to them all night. I don’t think about them when I’m not with them, or count down the moments to when I can see them next.
I can’t picture waking up with them every morning.
I can’t see them being the mother of my children.
I don’t feel the fire,” he murmurs, turning to me.
“The heat. That at all consuming need to trace my lips down every inch of their body and press their curves against mine.”
My mouth drops open.
“Although,” he says casually, pushing on the gas as the light turns green, “I have to admit, Netanya Li was pretty hot.”
Welp. That was a bucket of cold water on my fire.
“So . . . do you want me to try to set up another date with her?” I say, feeling confused.
“No.” He shakes his head. “Were you not listening to a word I said?”
“Uh, I was,” I reply. “But there were a lot of conflicting messages.”
He exhales the long, exhausted breath of someone who’s nearing the end of their patience. “My point is, that despite the fact that Netanya Li is gorgeous and has a great personality, I still have no desire to be with her. None.”
“So basically,” I say with furrowed brows, “you’re looking for an elusive connection that can’t be described on paper.”
“Exactly.”
Great. This should be a piece of cake.
Speaking of which. He pulls up in front of my house, and I hand him the box with the lemon cheesecake mousse inside. I unbuckle my seatbelt and say, “I had you buy this for you.”
The curve of his smile makes me feel slightly giddy. “Thank you, Tinsel. No one’s ever had me buy myself a present before.”
I laugh. “See you in the morning.”
“Get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is our tempo run. I’ve mapped a route for intervals and hill repeats.”
I groan as I open the door. “You’re evil.”
“Come on.” He laughs. “You know you love it.”
What I do love is spending one-on-one time with him.
Not that I can admit it. Even as our friendship grows, I know that it can’t last. Once he’s married, there won’t be any more morning runs or deep conversations or food deliveries appearing on my doorstep.
His time and focus will be for his wife and new family. Exactly as it should be.
I feel a sharp pang of sadness.
A car honks, and I realize there’s a line of vehicles behind us.
“Don’t wait for me to get in,” I say. “I’ve got my key in my purse.”
He nods.
Am I surprised at the angry symphony of honks as I walk to my door and let myself in? Not even a little bit. Wild horses couldn’t come between Caleb and a mission to protect someone he cares about.
I give Caleb an exasperated wave as I close the door, and smile as he drives off. He won’t be my close friend forever, but that’s all the more reason to appreciate him while he is.