Chapter 7
SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT
Lawson: Sooo…are we going to discuss the elephant in the room or not?
Hayes: Not.
Fox: Elephants don’t get enough love in the animal kingdom. Really cool creatures. Not as amazing as turtles, but still.
Lawson: Your turtle obsession is starting to get a little weird, Foxy. Those photos of you walking into the last game wearing your Turtley Cool socks are still all over my feed.
Fox: Finally! The people need to know how awesome they are!
Lawson: Right. So, anyway…are we just not going to talk about Keller being married?
Hutch: It’s none of our business. He’s made that clear.
Locke: Just drop it, Lawsy.
Lawson: Come on! You guys cannot be serious! He kept this HUGE secret from us. Are you telling me you don’t want to know more?
Lawson: Your silence is deafening.
Lawson: Hello?
Hayes: Shhhhh
Lawson: No.
Lawson: Come on, really? Is anybody going to talk to me?
Lawson: HELLO?
Lawson: Wow, you guys suck.
Hayes: Then request a trade.
Lawson: GASP
Lawson: I would never! I love you guys, even if you don’t love me.
Hutch: Fucking hell, are you always so dramatic?
Hayes: Dude, right? I kind of wish Keller would chime in, just to tell him to shut the fuck up.
Locke: No, we need to give him space right now. We shouldn’t even be blowing his phone up like this.
Lawson: I think we’re all being just a little overdramatic about this, aren’t we?
Hutch: I’m sorry, but did YOU just say WE’RE being overdramatic? YOU?!?!?
Lawson: Uh, yeah. Because nobody will talk about it. I mean, so he’s married? WHO CARES!
Hayes: Obviously you do.
Lawson: Duh. But I mean like…who REALLY cares, you know? Why didn’t he just tell us about it?
Locke: Because clearly something big went down, and that’s why she’s not been around, and why he doesn’t talk about her. So zip it.
Lawson: But maybe talking about it will help. I’m a great listener.
Fox: He actually is.
Lawson: SEE? Foxy agrees with me!
Fox: Not about Keller, just so we’re clear.
Lawson: Booooo!
Lawson: Look, all I’m saying is, I’m kind of a little hurt he didn’t confide in us. We tell him everything.
Hutch: No, Lawsy, YOU tell him everything. You tell EVERYONE everything. You have no boundaries and no filter.
Lawson: And that’s okay with me. What’s the fun in having those things anyway???
Lawson: I just want to know why he didn’t trust us, that’s all.
Lawson: See, you guys aren’t even responding, which tells me you agree.
Lawson: He LIED to us. He pretended he was single. He made jokes about doing my mom. And he was married the whole time!
Hayes: Did you ever stop to think it might have been his way of coping with it? He was grieving. Give him a break.
Lawson: He was actively lying to us.
Hutch: Like you lied to us about sneaking around with Rory?
Lawson: AS IF YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO TALK, MR. GRUMBLES!
Hayes: You really don’t, Hutch.
Hayes: And just so we’re clear, I don’t either.
Fox: Me either. Even though you guys knew I was lying, I was still doing it.
Locke: I’m not sure I even need to chime in here.
Hutch: Considering I JUST found out about you banging my stepsister and moving her into your apartment, maybe it’s best to sit this one out.
Lawson: Okay, fine. So we’ve all lied to one another. But this just feels…different.
Locke: Which is why we should leave him be and let him work through it. Keller has always done shit his way.
Lawson: Yeah, and how’s that been working out for him, huh? He’s a grump, he’s mean, and he keeps saying he’s going to do nasty things to my mom.
Hayes: You’ve said you’d do “nasty things” to his mom, too. Not sure you have a leg to stand on with that one.
Lawson: Tushy
Lawson: TOOCHE
Lawson: TWOSHAY
Lawson: The fuck do you spell that damn word???
Fox: Touché.
Lawson: THANK YOU!
Lawson: Touché, Hayes.
Lawson: But I still don’t think we should let this slide.
Locke: You just want the hot gossip.
Hayes: Ew. Can you please not say that again? You’re way too old to do so, and that sounded creepy.
Fox: Yeah, that was weird.
Locke: Fine. You just want the tea, then.
Hayes: Okay, still weird, but continue.
Hutch: No, no more continuing. As the captain, I’m telling you all to drop it for today. Leave him alone. We’ll talk to him tomorrow IF he’s ready to talk. Got it?
Lawson: Ugh. Fine. Aye aye, Captain.
Hutch: No, please. Don’t.
Hayes: Aye aye, Captain.
Fox: Aye aye, Captain.
Locke: Aye aye, Captain.
Hutch: I hate you guys.
Lawson: Stop flirting with me. You’re almost a married man.
Hutch: Because Keller isn’t here to say it, I hate you most, Lawsy.
Lawson: I love you too, Cap.