Chapter 23 #3
“We were never a club,” I say, but the words don’t hold their usual contempt.
“We were so a club. We are a club. We took a blood oath, remember?”
“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you nobody else did that?” Hayes says to Lawson.
They go back and forth about the oath nobody except Lawson took, and I sit there, taking it all in, thinking about the other vows I made in my life.
Once upon a time, I promised Chloe forever.
I meant it then, and even after everything, I still mean it.
I just want her here. I want her back in Seattle and back in my bed.
I want her here right now, holding me and pressing her lips to the cuts along my hand.
I just…I want her.
“Kells? You okay?”
I look up, and they’re all staring at me again. For just a second, I think about telling them I am, but they’re right—we are friends. And if, for some reason, Chloe doesn’t come back this time, I’m going to need them more than I ever have before.
So, I try being honest with them for the first time in…well, maybe ever.
“No, I’m not okay. Not at all.”
Hutch sighs, then sits forward. “What can we do to help?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “Just…be here?”
“We can do that,” Fox says with a soft smile.
I exhale slowly, sinking back against my stall, that same tiredness from before slamming into me. And if anyone ever asks, it’s why I say what I do next.
“I swear to fuck, if this ever—and I mean ever—leaves this room, I will gladly take three hots and a cot for the rest of my life.”
I look around the room, letting them know I mean it, then I suck in a steadying breath.
“I know it might not seem like it because I certainly don’t act like it, but…
you’re like brothers to me. Ones I definitely didn’t ask for, but still brothers.
You’re the most obnoxious bunch of assholes around”—I give Lawson a pointed look—“but I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
I…well, I just love you guys, okay? So, thanks for being there for me through all this shit with… ”
I can’t bring myself to say her name, so I don’t.
“Fuck, with this whole situation. It’s been a lot to deal with, and I know I’ve been an asshole to all of you more times than I can count.
I can’t believe you’re still sitting here with me right now, but…
I don’t know. Thanks, you know. Thanks for putting up with my shit.
For putting up with me. And for being there, too. Just…thanks.”
Nobody moves. Nobody says a word. It’s just dead silence hanging between us. I wish I could take it all back with the way they’re currently staring at me, like I’ve gone and grown an extra limb or some shit.
Then someone moves. I sit up straight, looking Lawson right in the eye.
“Even me?” he asks.
“What?”
“Even me?” he repeats. “Do you love even me?”
His lips twitch before he’s able to get the question fully out.
Mine involuntarily do the same. “Yeah, even you, Lawless.”
He faints—or at least pretends to—and Hutch catches him with an eye roll before he can hit the ground.
“Shut up,” I grumble, already back to being annoyed with him.
Locke and Hayes laugh, helping our captain set Lawson back up straight as he is still annoyingly pretending to be all weepy.
“Can we please group-hug now?” Fox asks.
I chuckle, and it feels so foreign. I haven’t laughed at all since Chloe walked away again. I wasn’t sure I ever would. “Yeah, we can group-hug.”
They all move toward me at once, and I hold my hand up, stopping them.
“But just this one time, okay? This does not, at all, give anyone permission to touch me otherwise, understand? I know where each of you sleeps and will make it look like an accident when I—”
But I don’t get the rest of my threat out. I can’t. I now have several pairs of arms slung over my shoulders, and fuck if it doesn’t feel good. I have no idea how long they embrace me for, but it somehow feels like forever and not long enough, not that I’d ever tell them that.
One by one, they pull away, until it’s just Lawson left.
His arms tighten around me, and maybe it’s just all the shit that’s been piling up lately, but I find myself letting him.
Hell, I even sink against the guy. I might not know what’s happening with my marriage, but I do know without a doubt that this group of guys?
They’re not just teammates. They’re my family, and they’re here to stay forever, even if Chloe isn’t.
I opt for getting a ride home with Locke, not entirely trusting myself behind the wheel right now, and he doesn’t even ask me questions as we make the trek back to our building.
“Keller?” he says as I step out of the elevator.
“Yeah, man?”
“You’re going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will be. We’ll make sure of it.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again, so instead I tell him good night, and I watch as the doors close.
My footsteps feel heavy as I make my way down the hall to my apartment.
Every stride weighs a thousand pounds, and the closer I get to my destination, the harder I have to force myself to move.
I stop in front of the door, staring at the plain white wood and wishing I were anywhere else right now.
Just go inside, Callum. Walk inside. You can do this. You’re going to be okay.
I don’t believe the words, not really, but they give me just enough fuel to keep going. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then I push the door open and walk into my empty apartment.