Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
A THURSDAY IN APRIL
The funeral went the way I expected it would; at least, I think it did. If I’m being honest with myself, I wasn’t mentally present for any of it. Blue did most of the legwork, getting everyone where they needed to go so I could focus solely on Claire.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, to say the least. Telling her what had happened was one of the worst experiences in my life.
It was three days after I received the news that I finally sat her down.
She cried for a few hours before she could ask some questions, most of which I answered as honestly as I could.
And then I pulled her out of school for the next few days and took her upstate.
Everyone told me to take her away for a few days to help the grieving process, that being in the apartment with a room across from Neve’s might be too hard for her initially. So, that’s what I did.
We rented a cute little Airbnb and spent the first night watching movies. A mother-daughter spa day, a trip to the zoo, a visit to the movie theater, and several walks around the local parks occupied the next few days.
She was still having a difficult time crying when she thought of them or saw Neve’s things around the apartment. But each day she was slowly coming back into herself.
I wish I could say the same for myself.
Since the accident, it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Every day is like wading through mud, just trying to be a semblance of myself for my daughter’s sake. But I know she can see just how much I’m struggling, and that is harder for me than anything else.
I’m supposed to be strong for her. Be her rock so she can come to terms with losing them and learn how to cope and understand the things she’s feeling. It is my job to be the one helping her—and I can’t help but feel like I’m letting her down.
One night I was out on the couch, unable to sleep, and was holding a pillow to my chest as I cried. I thought I was being quiet, but Claire had come out of her room and climbed into my lap, hugging me as I sobbed.
It was in that moment I felt like I had failed. She shouldn’t have been consoling me. But I was also so grateful to have a daughter as loving as her in that moment of grief.
I’m still standing at their burial site when Blue walks up behind me, putting a hand on my shoulder to notify me of her presence.
“Everyone is ready to head out,” she tells me gently, but my eyes never leave the slabs of rock at my feet—the placeholders until their headstones are completed. “I was thinking we could all go grab some lunch, keep you and Claire company.”
I glance behind me at that, looking at the few of my friends who had come for me. RJ missed a game so he could be here, and JJ had put someone else in charge of coordinating her next fashion show. Unfortunately, Cole couldn’t make it, but I never got around to asking why.
JJ and Blue have been alternating who stays at the apartment with us, helping me with Claire so I can have the time I need to grieve.
They keep telling me it doesn’t make me a terrible mother to need help during such a difficult time, but it still nags at me.
No matter how grateful I am for their love and support.
“Could you take her? I just—” I slowly trail off, looking back down at the ground before me.
“Say no more,” Blue states, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “You take your time. If you want her to stay with me tonight, just let me know. Otherwise, just call me when you’re ready for me to bring her home.”
I fully turn toward her, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist and resting my head on her chest. One of her arms goes around my shoulders while she strokes my hair with her other hand.
When we pull apart, I see Claire making her way over to us, her eyes slightly red and puffy and her black dress wrinkly. I kneel as she reaches us, rubbing my hands up and down her arms.
“Hey, baby,” I greet softly, giving her a small smile. “Blue is going to take you to get some lunch, and then you’re going to spend the day with her. Is that all right?”
“Yeah,” she answers simply, a furrow between her brows as she looks at me. “Are you okay?”
Tears spring to my eyes as I pull her forward, wrapping my arms around her. “I’ll be okay, honey. I just need a little time, that's all.”
Claire nods, so I stand, resting a hand on her shoulder as I look at my best friend. Blue says nothing as she reaches down, extending her hand in my daughter's direction. She wraps her smaller hand in Blue’s, following her back to RJ and JJ.
As they disappear into the parking lot, I look down one last time, fighting the onslaught of tears that threaten to slip down my cheeks. Sniffling softly, I turn on my heel and make a beeline for my car, knowing exactly where I need to go.
I sit on the concrete ledge of the rooftop of the building I work in, my eyes closed as the wind whips through my dark blonde hair. The sun has begun to set, and the world below is transitioning from businessmen rushing to their next meeting to laughter as groups make their way to the bars.
My arms are growing red from the cold, the April air still carrying a familiar chill. Yet I refuse to grab the jacket that I left on the chair.
I have found myself at a crossroads. One that I know, depending on which path I take, will either make or break me. And I’m not ashamed to admit that the only thing keeping me from going down the path of destruction is my daughter.
Yet, as I watch the people below make their way into the nightlife, I can’t deny that itch that I desperately want to scratch. Just for one night.
I hear the metal door to the rooftop open, but I don’t turn around. Instead, I keep my eye on the sun falling slowly behind the buildings. How can something so beautiful exist when everything else is falling apart around me?
Someone clearing their throat behind me causes me to stiffen slightly, but I refuse to tear my gaze away from the skyline.
“Could you come down from there?” A masculine voice asks, a slight quiver slipping through. “You’re making me anxious.”
“I’m fine,” I reply, not moving an inch. “I’m just admiring the view.”
I hear the scuff of the man’s feet as he shuffles closer, but he hasn’t stepped into my eye-line. “So, you’re not going to jump?”
A startled laugh leaves me, and to my surprise, for the first time in weeks, I can’t stop laughing. The man behind me chuckles too, albeit not as wholeheartedly as I am—or delusional, I suppose.
“No,” I say once I catch my breath. “I’m not going to jump.”
“Okay, good.” I finally catch a glimpse of him as he fully approaches the ledge. “Can I join you?”
I turn to look at the man and my breath catches in my throat. Those blue eyes, the brown hair, the clean beard… It's him.
The stranger from this very spot five years before.
He seems to recognize me just as I have him, his eyes growing wide. His lips part slightly as he reaches for me, but immediately thinks better of it. He shakes his head before a soft breath of air escapes his lips.
“It’s you,” he whispers, a softness entering his gaze that makes me swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. “I can’t believe it’s really you.”
I can’t stop myself from staring, unable to fully comprehend what is right in front of me—or maybe I don’t want to understand it. Too much is happening too fast. Travis, my father and sister, Claire, and now this?
It suddenly feels like I can’t breathe, my palms growing clammy as I shake my head. I hastily climb off the ledge, my black dress whipping in the breeze as I rush past him for the door.
“Wait!” He calls after me, trying to close the gap I have created between us. “Don’t go.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, tears springing to my eyes as I yank the door open. “I can’t do this.”
I slip back into the building and run down the flight of stairs before making a beeline for the elevator. As the door opens, I hear footsteps rushing down the hallway. Stepping on, I push the button to close the doors and push myself into the back corner, praying they close before he reaches them.
And they do, but I still see his face as they fall shut. I release a shaky breath, bracing my hands on the rail as I bow my head and try to relieve the shakes I was experiencing.
Once I reach the lobby, I practically sprint toward the main doors and rush out into the busy New York streets.
I allow the crowd to carry me away from the building, not paying attention to where it is bringing me.
But as I end up outside the bar Blue and I used to frequent a lot, I take it as a sign to scratch the itch and step inside.
I have lost track of time, have no idea how many drinks I’ve consumed, but my limbs feel like jello and my brain is just the perfect amount of hazy.
As I spin around on the dancefloor, for the first time in what feels like years, I feel light. Like nothing is weighing me down and I can finally breathe again. No worries bog my mind, no responsibilities. There’s just me, my drink, and the music.
I feel a pair of hands on my waist, but I don’t care. I lean into the touch, my backside resting against a warm chest as a head lands in the crook of my neck. We move in tandem with the beat, not saying a word, and I can’t help but wonder if this is what life could’ve been for me.
And that thought has me sobering up. Why would I want this? I have a daughter at home who is my entire world, who needs me now more than ever. If this was my life, I was no better than her father. Yet, here I am, drunk and dancing with a stranger as my best friend watches my child for me.
I drop my drink as I reach down, trying to remove the man’s hands from my hips, but he digs his fingers in to keep me in place. The room is now spinning as I attempt to get away, but it’s no use. He is too strong and I’m far too drunk.
“Get your hands off her,” I hear someone seethe over the music, the threatening tone in his voice causing me to freeze.