Chapter 13 #2
I frantically wipe at my face with the back of my hand, trying my best to take a silent, steadying breath.
Taking a couple steps forward, I reach my hand out and gently smooth out her comforter, sniffing louder than I had intended to.
I slowly sit down on the edge of her bed, almost as if she were asleep in it and I’m trying not to wake her up.
The sob comes out of me unexpectedly, and I reach for her favorite pillow and clutch it to my chest.
It’s been four days since I last cried, but I haven’t wept like this since the cops showed up at my door.
Yes, the grief sneaks up randomly, and sometimes at the most inconvenient of times, but this?
It feels like someone took a blade to the careful stitches I’ve slowly been placing to hold together the cracks in my heart.
And now that the floodgates have opened, I can’t close them.
Not even when I hear a gentle knock on the door.
“Mom?” Claire pushes the door open and peeks her head inside, her eyebrows furrowed. Winston pushes past her and jumps onto the bed, using his nose to nudge my hand before he rests his head on my knee. “Are you okay?”
I frantically wipe at my face again, trying to collect myself. “I’m fine, baby. Go back to your room.”
Claire closes the door, shutting the three of us in the bedroom.
She walks over and crawls onto the bed, pulling the pillow from my grasp.
Claire carefully sets it back in its spot before turning back to me.
She doesn’t hesitate as she crawls into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and resting her head on my shoulder.
God, this feels familiar, I think to myself as I sniffle and hold her tightly.
“I miss her, too,” Claire whispers, and I can hear the strain in her words like she’s trying not to cry, too. “I miss them both.”
“Oh, baby,” I mumble, squeezing her tighter. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She shakes her head before pulling back to look me in the eye.
Reaching out a hand, she brushes the tears off my cheeks and places a kiss in their wake.
The action causes my chest to tighten. I give her a sad smile, sliding her out of my lap so I can climb off the bed.
She watches as I walk over to the small table on the other side of the room where Neve used to put her makeup on.
Flipping open the small jewelry box, I grab Neve’s favorite necklace; a silver chain with a butterfly pendant that has a C engraved on the back of it.
Turning around to face my daughter, I watch her eyes widen once she notices what I’m holding.
“Do you remember getting this for your Aunt Neve?” Claire nods.
“She wore it every single day, never taking it off for any reason. Butterflies are a symbol of transformation and hope. Their life cycles are a reminder that change is a natural part of life.” I sit beside her on the bed.
“And she would constantly tell me that whenever she had a bad day, or life felt too hard, that thinking of you always made her feel better. You were the biggest reason that Neve had such big dreams.”
A single tear falls down Claire’s cheek as I clasp the necklace around her neck. “I know that we’ve both been having a hard time in her absence, both their absences, but I want you to remember that she’s not truly gone.” I grab her hand and place it over the pendant. “She is always with you.”
Claire throws her arms around my neck, sniffing as she squeezes me tightly.
I rub one hand along her spine while the other cups the back of her head, gently teasing the tendrils of her hair.
When she pulls back, I wipe away her tears like she did for me before placing a kiss to her forehead.
Winston whines beside us and stands, licking Claire’s face while she squeals and tries to get away.
Laughter fills the room as she slips off the bed with Winston following right behind her.
“How about we go shopping a little early?” I stand from the bed and rest one hand on her shoulder while I open the door with the other. “I need a good pick-me-up.”
“Can I get two Lego sets?”
“We’ll see.”
“You go on ahead,” I tell Claire once she’s climbed out of the car and secured her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll grab the snacks and things, okay? I’ll be right there.”
Claire says nothing, just nods before running off towards the field where some of her teammates stand around the coach.
I need a moment alone to give myself a pep talk and remind myself to not go off on any of the moms in the stands today.
Most of the girls at the sleepover last night were girls she plays with, which means these moms were the ones talking about me.
Just as the thought escapes me, I realize I forgot to ask her what the girls on the team were saying to her or how they were being mean.
I make a mental note to ask her about that later tonight, and to keep a close eye on the girls around her.
I can keep my mouth shut when it comes to the moms talking about me, but if any of the girls treat Claire poorly?
I’m not above speaking my peace to protect her.
Being the bigger person all the time is getting exhausting, anyway.
I lean into the car and grab the paper bag off the seat, and set it on the ground by my feet. I then reach for the box of oranges and apples and juice boxes, struggling slightly as I grip the handles.
“Can I get that for you?” I hear a familiar male voice ask from behind me. My head smacks against the roof of the car in my surprise, and I cup the back of my head as I fully stand and turn to see Levi stationed a few feet away.
The concern is apparent on his face, and I can only imagine the surprised and terrified look that is on mine. “What are you doing here?”
“I went by the office to see if you were free for a bite and Leanne said you’d be down here,” he answers. My teeth grind together; of course Leanne would pull some power play move like this. “I didn’t realize you played. I’d have come and watched you sooner.”
“Oh, no, I don’t play,” I rush out with a wave of my hand, but I don’t offer any more information.
It has only been mere hours since I told Claire I wasn’t ready for them to meet yet, and now here he is, dressed in jeans and a white v neck wearing a backwards baseball cap like he is meant to be here—and I can’t even be mad at him about it.
But now here I am, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, stuck between a rock and a hard place, because what the hell am I supposed to do? Tell him to go home?
“Can I grab that for you?” He asks, gesturing towards the box I was trying to lift out of the backseat.
I glance between him and the box before releasing a sigh. “That would be great, yeah.”
Levi smiles and approaches me, leaning into the car and grabbing the box with ease.
He places it on the trunk as I close the door and hit the lock button on my key fob.
Just as I’m about to speak, I hear footsteps running up behind us.
I turn just in time to see Claire before she comes skidding to a halt right in front of me, her arms wrapping around my waist as she looks up at me.
“Is my glove in the car?” She asks, completely unaware of the man beside me. “It’s not in my bag.”
“Did you take it out?” I ponder, unlocking the car and opening the back door so she can climb in and look. “I told you to leave your stuff in your bag, baby.”
Claire dives into the back and starts digging around the bag with her new Legos and my bag of new books before a triumphant sound escapes her lips as she slides back out. “I know, but I needed to make sure it fit.”
“And why wouldn’t it fit?” I raise a brow as she stands directly in front of me again.
“I was messing with these laces during practice,” she informs me as she points to them. “I wanted to see if they did anything and then I couldn’t remember if they did or not.”
I can’t help as a laugh escapes me as I ruffle her hair. She swats my hand away with a smile, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear. Claire suddenly glances to the right, and it’s only in that moment I remember Levi is standing there, witnessing this interaction.
“Who are you?” She asks with zero reservation.
“I’m Levi,” he responds just as easily, holding out his fist so Claire can knock her knuckles against his. “And who are you?”
Claire beams up at him. “I’m Claire. Are you the friend my mom was talking about?”
Levi looks at me with a raised brow and a smile tugging at his lips while I narrow my eyes at him slightly. I turn to look down at my daughter. “Yeah, baby, he is.”
“I thought you said you wanted to wait a little while before I met him?”
I slap my hands down on her shoulders and spin her around, resting a hand between her shoulder blades as I push her toward the field. “Go warm up with your team, honey. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Don’t forget the snacks,” she yells as she runs off, completely oblivious to what awkward conversation she just forced me into.
Spinning around, I see Levi leaning against the trunk with his arms crossed and a giant smile. I shake my head as I walk up to him, grabbing the bag of granola bars while I gesture for him to grab the box.
“Make yourself useful, will you?” I tease as I spin on my heel, leaving him to follow.
My white converse crunch on the loose gravel of the parking lot before I step up onto the sidewalk. I hear Levi following behind me and glance over my shoulder.
“I can bring this where you need it to go and then I can take off,” he says, causing me to stop in my tracks so I can turn to fully look at him. “I don’t want to overstep.”
I shrug. “She’s already met you, which means if you leave now, she’s just going to ask more questions. Cats already out of the bag, Levi. No use in trying to shove it back in.”