Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
It’d been an incredible afternoon, filled with laughing and swooning, and an impromptu stop by the train museum. Zac mentioned it was his favorite place in Balboa Park as we were coming out of the Air and Space Museum, and Graham acted as though he had a chance at drinking from the Holy Grail.
Since it was the first glimmer of geniality between them, Catalina and I’d found ourselves in an expansive space filled with mini towns and toy trains spinning on tracks round and round. As it turned out, it wasn’t the train museum, but the San Diego Model Railroad Museum, and the guys had studied each exhibit for so long that us gals decided to find a bench and sit down.
“Mmm, look at that caboose,” Cat had loudly called to Zac as he and Graham were bent over the plexiglass-protected town, and I made a joke about it being the most appropriate catcalling I’d ever heard.
Without glancing our way, Zac just shook his head. Feeling emboldened by our flirty day, I’d lifted my voice to reply, loud enough for the guys to hear. “If Chris Evans's backside is America's ass, Graham's is Britain's contribution.”
My date didn’t turn to acknowledge me, either, but the arse in question clenched as red crept up the nape of his neck to flush his skin.
“You can put an end to this,” Catalina singsonged across the distance, the only woman I’d met who could be as bold as me. Hers was more confidence and being so freaking smart she didn’t have to constantly check her references on her phone to ensure she wasn’t leading people astray, like maybe I sometimes did. My brazenness, on the other hand, came down to a lack of a filter or set track to follow, with random ADHD thoughts leaping forward and derailing me along the way. “You just have to say goodbye to the choo-choo trains.”
“And hello to pizza in my mouth,” I added helpfully. “My entire life is just one big countdown to pizza.” And to when I got to see Graham lately, but I’d already expressed bold feelings with him while he was acting as my personal aircraft, lifting me up in the air with such ease and pulling me into an embrace so snug I convinced myself it meant he didn’t want to let go, either.
“If you need us, we’ll be checking out the tunnel again,” Zac said, nudging Graham with his elbow and indicating the cavernous room they’d already spent an endless eternity in.
“Oh, he’s turning this into a challenge,” Cat muttered under her breath before raising her voice and hollering, “I know one tunnel where you won’t be going.”
Zac swung wide, backtracking enough to drag his hand over the small of his former bang buddy’s back. “No reason to bother lying, Kitty-cat. If you wanted to play it cool, you never should’ve complimented my caboose.”
Their razzing turned heated, with an extra side of groping, so I did a little locomoting of my own. I chugged the few steps to Graham and came to a stop in his arms, twisting my head to rest my ear on his chest and listen to the steadily increasing thumps of his heart.
Then the men announced they were only kidding about the tunnel, and it was time to head back to my place for dinner and the ultimate test: a Tarot card reading. Graham didn’t need to adapt his entire life to my reading or go all in. I simply needed him to be kind about a hobby that made me feel connected to those around me and the universe.
Once we arrived at my place, where Ethan had set up on the couch with Nova, I ordered dinner and set my bag down so I could work my magic.
I just didn’t expect the twist of Graham replying that while he was down for a reading, he’d rather somebody else go first. “I’m more comfortable trying new things once I see how they work.”
“Good Gaia,” I replied, “that’s the most Taurus thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I only understand about half of what you said, so I’ll just say thank you.”
The heart-shaped selenite bowl I used for cleansing and charging hit the small TV tray table with the colorful floral design on top with a light clink , the crystals within rattling slightly.
“Ethan.” I lifted my voice, seeking my bestie from another testi, as I wanted him and Graham to get to know each other better anyway. “Time to get your cards read.”
Snagging the neck of a beer bottle on his way, he stepped over Nova, telling him to “Come on, then,” when he whimpered over being left behind.
“Nova, sit,” I commanded, with the perfect amount of authority and love, and Nova decided I meant for him to leap up and sit on my lap. He knocked the tray on the way up, scrabbling nails over my bare knees to proudly overtake my lap.
Technically, he’d obeyed, but as holding a wiggly dog wouldn’t keep me in the right, open-to-intuition mindset, I cast a pleading glance at Graham, now seated on an ottoman next to me.
He extended his arms to take my overgrown baby, and Ethan snorted a laugh. “How domestic. You two are like an old married couple with children already.”
My eyes flew wide, and I hoped they conveyed the number of daggers I’d hurl at Ethan’s head if I had any. Most single gals knew there was nothing like the mention of marriage and babies to scare a guy, but Graham simply gave Nova a belly rub. “Pardon you, we only have the one and he’s handful enough.”
I caught his gaze, tucking away the special, secret smile he flashed me for later as I placed crystals on the tray, matching up the hues of the minerals and paint colors. Purple amethyst for intuition and protection, clear quartz to amplify the energy of the cards and the reader, plus rose and smoky quartz, citrine, a bright blue lapis lazuli, and blackest of blacks obsidian. “I assume you’re still determined to leave me for North Carolina?”
“That’s not how I’d put it, but yes, everything is on track for the big move. My internship from paperwork hell wraps up at the end of the month, and then Ethan will be a free elf or lawyer or what-the-fuck ever.”
“Sounds like somebody’s getting ahead of the cards.” I swiped the beer bottle from his hands and downed a gulp, wishing I’d picked up hard apple ciders as well because I liked them much better. “If you’ll keep your pants on, I’m about to intuit what you’ll need to focus on to become the best what-the-fuck-ever ever .”
He laughed and seized back his drink, causing the hazy, hoppy IPA to spill down my chin and into my Nova-free lap. Then I noticed the scowl on Graham’s face, aimed in my friend’s direction. “As you can see, Ethan and I have a heated sibling rivalry going on.”
AKA, he’s not a threat, so don’t let out that Tarzan simmering beneath the surface.
“Spoken like an only child,” Ethan said. “When it comes to my twin brother, we used to go hard, and I’d never punch you in the face.”
“Thank you, I think?” I said with a giggle, and Ethan lifted a finger in clarification.
“Only when Evan started it or deserved it,” he said, “which was a lot more often than you’d think.” His finger sagged, doubting its previous assertion. “Now that I think about it, even the times I’ve been punched by somebody else have come down to Evan’s fault. He gets to go around being the schemer and hothead while I go around cleaning up his messes. But not anymore—it’s why I came out here for law school.”
Ethan shook his head and slowly let his arms fall to his sides. “Sorry, I’m getting ahead of the cards again.”
“I was about to say, let the expert work.” I blew out my breath and asked Ethan to shuffle the cards. While I’d picked up a deck in college, I mostly relied on others to read, until I realized that was a chink in my self-confidence armor I needed to work on. My gut didn’t usually whisper, it yelled, and for too long I’d trusted others to tell me what was best for myself.
Having an audience with the sexy Brit I’d crushed on for weeks before I’d done anything to make him mine left my hands trembling slightly. Sweat beaded my forehead and my palms grew clammy, then I touched a fingertip to the citrine, letting it fuel up my confidence.
Since the guy holding my puppy like a toddler was a textbook Taurus and preferred concrete, tangible outcomes over speculation, I did a little picking and choosing what I explained about the process.
Once Ethan handed the deck back to me, I switched most of my concentration on which cards spoke to me that would also speak to him. “The three cards I draw represent the past, present, and future. I’ll be reading the cards, and the person having their cards read is called the querent, which is Latin for ‘one who seeks.’”
I drew two cards and placed them in the area between us, but when it came to the future, I believed everyone should be in charge of their own destiny. I fanned out the deck and instructed Ethan to select the final card. “Ethan’s a Gemini, which is why I call him my two-in-one friend. My Aries side plays off his energy, with his air element breathing extra life into my fire, so our adventures together can get wild, but he’s also introspective and analytical enough to bring more logic to deciding which direction we’re going to leap.”
The dudes nod, Ethan with the excitement and energy I mentioned while the Taurus in our midst remained carefully neutral, even as his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth twitch with my words. Given that was his nature, I reminded myself not to take it personally.
With a quick crack of my knuckles, I flip the card to reveal a person carrying ten wands, their sagging posture suggesting it was a struggle to carry the weight. “According to the Ten of Wands, you’ve experienced periods of overwhelming responsibility and stress in the past. This often is the result of taking on too much, leading to exhaustion or burnout. In typical Gemini fashion, your desire to juggle many tasks and interests, along with taking care of your family and making your attorney father proud, have contributed to this burden.”
Most of the time, I added a lot of might haves , possiblys, and maybes , but I knew Ethan too well for that hedging nonsense. This was my chance to be a little bossy, and by Jove, I was going to take it. “On to the present, where you’re living in San Deigo with your awesome friend, Zoie, and…”
At the flip of the card, my words failed me. For a pregnant pause, I just stared, unsure how to interpret a card I’d been lucky enough to never have to explain to any of my querents.
“The Devil,” Ethan read, glancing from me to Graham and Nova and back to me, his eyebrows arching sky-high. “Well, that can’t be good.”
“The bright side is it represents your present, and…” I almost didn’t say the rest aloud because it wasn’t what I wanted. “And you’re already in the process of changing it.”
“Okay, so what does it mean?”
Releasing my lower lip from my teeth so I’d stop gnawing on it, I lifted the deepest blue piece of gold-streaked lapis lazuli to my third eye—center of the forehead—to clear any blockages set by my personal preferences. This was about Ethan and what was best for him, so staying silent would only hurt him in the end.
“This card represents being chained to desires, impulses, or cycles that limit your freedom,” I said, and at Ethan’s frown, hurried on. “It suggests feeling trapped in a situation that doesn’t serve you and invites you to examine what might be holding you back. It’s important to recognize where you're feeling restricted so you can take conscious steps to release yourself from these chains.”
His shoulders sagged as if they’d endured the strain too long and he sighed and raked fingers through his hair. “Sadly, that tracks. The past and the present.”
Graham shifted forward slightly, curiosity flickering through his expression and creasing the space between his brows, and hope tingled through me. I’d consider it a huge win if I could open him up to the experience and the clarity a reading could bring.
“I consider myself a fairly chill dude, but lately I feel more like a vinegar-soaked pickle,” Ethan continued, the resentment and exhaustion he kept buried deep rising to the surface.
I reached out and gave his upper arm a consoling squeeze. “That’s rough, E.” While we’d dubbed it the internship from hell and I’d told him endlessly he couldn’t keep up such a pace, I had no idea his responsibilities were weighing on him so. “You give so much for everybody else, and it’s time to figure out what makes you happy.”
After giving him twenty-to-thirty seconds to let him absorb what I’d told him, my fingertips stretched toward the final card. Centering myself, letting the choppy waters still in my mind, I turned it over.
The tight knot in my chest eased, and I beamed at Ethan for an absurd eternity. “Right, you have no idea what that means.”
“Yep, that’s why I have you, Zo-Zo.”
I stretched out my hand for his, clasping it tightly. “And you always will, even though the Knight of Cups means your future offers a sense of hope and exploration, with the arrival of new experiences and the possibility of romance. It shows you moving away from the heavy and restricting energy of the past and present, toward a more open, emotionally fulfilling phase.”
My throat tightened, both sides of the internal tug o’ war rope letting go at the same time. I’d been holding on to him so tightly because he accepted me exactly as I was and had been my rock through stretches of loneliness. But now I needed to let him go for him. “Follow your heart, explore your feelings, and embrace new connections and ideas.”
Ethan nodded. “Easy-peasy.”
“Not for someone who keeps their emotions so guarded,” I warned, and it was officially time to nudge him on out of the nest so he could unfurl his wings and fly. “You’re going to have to work for it. But it’ll be worth it. Promise me you’ll follow where your heart leads you, even if it feels risky or unconventional.”
This time his nod was slower, filled with deeper thought. “Thank you, I appreciate that—and you. I’ll miss you, Zoie.” He reached over to pet Nova’s head, but his eyes remained on mine.
Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision, and I quickly blinked them away. “Dang it, I can’t start crying now. I’ll never make it to the end of the month.”
With some rapid eye-batting and a sniff, I turned to address Graham, opening my mouth to ask if I’d scared him off. There was a tenderness in his features that I was fairly certain was for me, and a lump formed in my throat and stifled my ability to formulate sentences.
The doorbell cut my attempt short, especially since Nova barked and charged toward the door like he knew how to take out intruders when we both knew he’d merely love and slobber them to death.
By the time we’d eaten pizza and had a few beers, I was drained from the day and the emotional aftershocks of reading Ethan’s cards. He was truly leaving, and as grateful as I was that his future would be filled with less burden and more love, the ache in my chest reminded me how very attached I got to people.
Which led to thoughts of Graham leaving me behind as well.
It wasn’t really what he was doing, but my heart hadn’t fully repaired from the last time a person I loved more than my next breath walked away from me—and after a big display in front of an audience filled with judges, my peers and coworkers, and a few hundred people.
The Flair Bartending contest at the San Diego County Fair, along with the Mixology contest, drew huge crowds, the awards highly prestigious within the community. With stiff competition in staggering numbers and several mixologists pairing up with distillers, I was one of the few females in either category. For some reason, I was a walking disaster until you handed me alcohol bottles to juggle.
While I lost the mixology in the quarterfinals—I blame the Scorpio judge—the flair finals came down to me and some burly dude who looked like he benched vehicles in his spare time. All those muscles got in the way of mobility, though, so I tossed higher, leaned into my impetuousness, and took bigger, audience-gasping risks.
Any other night, I might’ve dropped a bottle, but not at the Del Mar Fairgrounds, where Ethan, Zac and his brother Noah, and my girlfriend Briana and her sister stood cheering me on.
Halfway through my acceptance speech, I’d looked through the sea of faces in the crowd to find the woman I was in love with, felt happier and surer of myself than I ever had, and impulsively asked Briana to marry me.
Silence had stretched out between us, sorrow and regret short-circuiting my nervous system as people in the audience began yelling “What did she say?”
That was the night Bri announced she’d accepted a new job in Washington D.C. and was looking forward to a fresh start—although that came after I’d climbed off stage so she could explain the most awkward pause there ever was.
Silly me, I still didn’t realize I was old news until I told her that while unexpected, I’d just need to give my 30-day notice to my landlord and my two-weeks to Zac, and while I’d miss the Drunken Kraken like crazy, it shouldn’t be that difficult to land another bartending gig.
Then I saw the look on her face—she meant to leave me behind, and little pieces of my spontaneity and boundless optimism died that evening.
It hearkened back to when I was ten and my parents were getting divorced, where there were far more arguments over why my mom or my dad couldn’t take full custody than fights over who I’d get to live with.
My houseguests began announcing their departure, yanking me out of a past I’d do about anything to avoid reliving. A big reason I’d wrapped myself up in Briana so much was I didn’t have close family like others did. My heart had never been good at limits, though, not when there was too little love in the world as it was.
I hugged Zac and Catalina goodbye and thanked them for this afternoon; Ethan got a squeeze and whispered advice about remembering to follow his heart. He shocked the shit out of me by pulling me closer and saying low in my ear, “That goes for you, too. That British dude likes you—his eyes are always tracking you.”
“But you’ll both be leaving and…” To my dismay, my voice caught and cracked at the end. “I don’t want to get left behind.”
Ethan chucked me on the chin, a crooked smile tilting his lips. “Nobody’s getting left behind, Zoie. We’re both moving forward in different ways, and while I can’t speak for the guy getting mauled by your dog, our friendship is strong enough to handle the distance.”
I sniffed and nodded again, playfully shoving him out the door so he wouldn’t make me cry again.
Once I’d shut it behind him, I turned and strode toward the couch, steeling myself for Mr. Timetable Taurus to depart as well.
On cue, he pushed to his feet and, with a seemingly reluctant sigh, said, “As you know, I have a very strict bedtime.”
Nova panicked, whimpering as if he knew, and if I could, I’d be making the same high-pitched complaint. Evidently, I was the type of girl people left behind easily, and a knot pulled tight in the center of my chest.
Then Graham hooked a finger in the belt loop of my jeans and towed me to his body to plant his lips on mine. “You coming?” he asked before rendering me speechless with a swipe of his tongue.
Our canine companion whined and pawed at our legs and Graham glanced down between us at him and said, “Yes boy, you too.”