Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
Over the past couple of weeks, walking to pick up Zoie from the Drunken Kraken, Nova by my side, had become part of my nightly ritual. It’d meant pushing my bedtime by thirty-minute intervals until I could make it the extra hour and a half to midnight, and Zac offered to work closing shifts so we could make every day and extra hour we had together count.
If I called Harriet now, she’d never believe I was strolling around in the dark, just shy of midnight. A quick bit of math, and I realized she’d be up getting kids breakfast and Ollie ready for school.
As a bloke who rarely called anyone for advice, my fingers twitched with the urge, but the subject lodged a lump in my throat. My “Good boy” came out hoarse as Nova turned the corner rather than attempting to dart toward the crosswalk.
Even with plenty of snags along the way at the office, we were about done integrating the two companies, a moment I’d been anticipating until it finally arrived.
“We’ll have this all wrapped up by the end of next week, right on schedule,” the new co-owner of the company had said before jabbing his sharp elbow into my side. “Or shedyule, as Graham would say.”
Panic had shoved the air from my lungs, leaving them heavy and deflated, but it had nothing to do with business. Hysteria had washed over me in waves ever since, a painful reminder of why I’d decided to avoid forming attachments—especially with a woman who lived in America—in the first place. But despite clinging to my rigid, introverted routine, Zoie and the puppy at the end of the leash crashed into my life and disrupted it in the best possible way. They’d turned my world completely on its head, and I never expected to enjoy the chaos so much.
Christ, I craved it like a junkie, my hands trembling for my next fix.
The familiar sign with its inebriated sea monster marked the entry, the reimagined garage door that had never seen a motor vehicle in its life thrown wide. Saltwater air from the ocean combined with the scent of greasy pub food reminded me I never did take Zoie for fish and chips. I’d known exactly where in London I would’ve taken her, and it ached I wouldn't get to play tour guide like she did for me.
Too late now, as wrapping up the merger would leave me beyond busy.
Maybe I could stay an extra week.
Yeah, great idea, when obviously I was too bloody fucking attached already and, with a tug, Nova suggested I hurry up.
I stopped to open the door for a group of women, but at Zoie’s tinkling laugh, ringing through the din of the crowd, her dog didn’t bother waiting. Evidently holding the door loosened my grip on the lead, and the pup darted inside, a bundle of ears and limbs and oversized paws.
Luckily, Ethan intercepted Nova—although I only needed a few strides more—chuckling when he read the note I’d attached to the collar. Declaring the first three drafts too sloppy, the words were seared in my brain, as was the image of the events that led to writing it.
I arrived at the bar in time for Zoie to lean over the wooden counter and read it aloud. “Today, while Graham was on an important call, I saw the box of donuts on the conference table and climbed up for a closer look. They looked so yummy I decided to eat them ALL, so that nothing was left for the team but a mess.”
“You took him to the office?” Zoie pops a toe, nearly tripping one of the other bartenders who scuttled around behind her to boop my nose. “Who’s a brave boy? Is that you?”
I growled, only registering it as the absolute wrong move after I’d already made it. Since it inspired her to run her fingers through my hair, the drag of her fingernails leaving tingles across my scalp, I lean in and savor the rush of blood, my pulse always racing faster toward Zoie.
“I thought he was better trained, and we had a whole talk about it.” I glanced at the dog, who was sprawled on the floor as Ethan scratched his belly, tongue lolled, legs pedaling an imaginary bike. “Since the trainer is also me, I’m embarrassed to boot.”
“Yeah, but you’re hot, so it doesn’t matter.” Zoie swept objects one way and then the other, creating a path in the wooden bar and climbing right on over the top and into my arms. “Besides, having you train my dog was all a ruse. This whole time I’ve been secretly trying to get in your pants.”
I planted my hands on her arse and scooted her closer, wedging myself between the V of her legs. “Not making much of a secret about it, love, but I’ve never been good at hints anyway.”
The woman I was falling for right in time for me to leave threw her entire being into the kiss, molding herself to me as our tongues got reacquainted. Until a few patrons whistled, Ethan among them. They all looked so genuinely happy for Zoie, and she certainly had that effect on me, so it wasn’t a surprise other people felt it, too. “Ready to go home?”
There I went again, digging myself deeper, even though I needed to pull away and extricate myself. We’d have mere days until we had to say goodbye for good.
Of course that made me cling on extra tight.
“Yep, but first things first, I got you something.” She lifted her feet, spun a one-eighty on the bar, physically dodging the look Zac aimed her way, and disappeared for a moment before popping back up, gift bag in hand. Paper crinkled as she passed me a navy bag with starred gold tissue paper. “Made by me, especially for you.”
I reached inside and withdrew the object, a large candle in glass with stones, flowers, and a wick embalmed in wax.
“Don’t worry,” she said as I lifted it to my nose for a whiff, “it doesn’t smell like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.”
Drinks were sputtered, eyebrows raised, and I swore I heard the scratch of a record as everyone in the vicinity stared.
“What the actual fuck, Zo?” Zac asked, and Ethan covered his snicker with his hand.
Zoie searched our faces for clues that we knew what she was talking about, and I wasn’t sure about the other blokes, but I seldomly did, yet I’d be content to let her keep on talking forever. “You know, like on GOOP?”
More blank faces, and then a woman with springy ebony coils and long pink nails that matched the liquid in her martini glass slowly raised a hand. “I do.” She lowered the hand to shade her eyes, a hint of red blooming in her tawny cheeks. “I’m not explaining it, though.”
Zoie had no such qualms, launching into an explanation about GOOP being Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle blog. “She’s the one who declared the candle smelled like her yoni, not me.”
She whipped toward Zac even though he didn’t say a word. “And don’t act like this isn’t a bar, and we haven’t heard 100 times worse before noon.” Keys jingled, and out came the patchwork purse and her enormous cup for soda. “Especially since all of us remember a few months ago when you kept hauling Cat over the bar and into the stockroom with not-so-thick walls.”
Zac held his hands up in the classic surrender position. “Fine, go ahead. Talk about all the celebrity pussy you want. Truth is, you’d be more likely to get any than the rest of us.”
“I won’t say you’re wrong when you’re right.” With a grin and a contented nod, Zoie rounded the counter and parked herself at my side, hand tucked into the crook of my elbow. “As for your superior candle, I did custom design it for you, with sandalwood to give it a warm, earthy scent for my practical-and-reliable-earth-sign guy.”
The way she peered up at me made me feel like as many bucks as this merger would bring in, which was why I didn’t have time to stay another week, as I’d need to announce updates to our policies to the London office and oversee the assimilation myself. Since I didn’t know what to say without the downer thoughts in my head spilling out, I lifted the candle and inhaled, holding in the citrus and smoky wood scent.
Zoie ran her fingers across the grooved surface, the tops of the crystals sticking up like glittery tombstones. She touched the iceberg tip of a submerged green rock. “This Malachite stands for transformation and new beginnings, plus it reminds me of your eyes.”
I lifted the candle to the side of my face and blinked the eyes in question as if she’d require confirmation.
“Tiger’s eye for protection and confidence,” she continued, “to help you hone that focus and motivation while promoting a balanced work-life dynamic. The smoky, woodsy scent is palo santo oil, which does double duty as a cleanser.”
Another whiff and I sorted that scent from the rest, and it really did smell quite nice. “You…use it to clean?”
“Energy fields.”
“Ah.”
Zoie bounced on the balls of her feet, energy radiating off her in waves, which was the opposite of how I felt after my work shifts. She took the end of the lead from Ethan and wished everybody a goodbye, only for it to be boomed back to us.
On the walk home, I shoved my whirring thoughts and tangle of confusing emotions aside. Once we reached the split in the sidewalk where I peeled off, she glanced toward her house. “Mind if I snag a couple ingredients to mix us a drink? I’d like your thoughts on this new twist on an Old Fashioned I’m working on.”
“Not at all, please.” Drinks were definitely a good idea to help me deal and breach a topic I didn’t want to breach. “I’ll take Nova into my place and get him some water. Unless you think he’d help with your mission.”
Zoie laughed and thanked me for helping take care of her mongrel with a quick peck on the lips.
I stared after her as she walked down her sidewalk. “Hey, Zoie?”
She bumped open the screen door with her hip, holding it there while she unlocked her sturdier wooden door. “Yes, Graham?”
God, my name in her mouth was enough to cause a pleasant shiver down my spine. “Bring those Tarot cards.”
Smoke curled in the air, the scents stronger as the flame burned down the wick, and the large ice cube in my Londoner’s Old Fashioned clinked against the side of the glass as I took a sip. Not only could I taste the Pimm’s Zoie had added, the rosemary sprig she’d lit also added a smoky herbal note.
If you’d asked me mere months ago, I would’ve sworn I’d never sit down to have my fortune told to me. I was in charge of my fate and did a very good job of steering my own ship—including my company. But what I’d seen Zoie do with Ethan was different, no fortune-telling at all. It seemed more like delivering reassurances, and I needed that most of all.
“Little refresher,” she said while shuffling the deck. “The three cards will represent your past, present, and future. As the querent, your job is to get in tune with your gut and really listen to what it’s saying.”
“I assume gurgling noises don’t count.”
“You assume right.” She drew two cards and placed them on the table between us, to the left of the burning candle that smelled better each time I inhaled. Several of the scents reminded me of Zoie, so at least I’d be able to take a piece of her home, although that caused a twinge in my chest, not relief.
“As for your future, I believe everyone should be in charge of their own destiny, so just”—Zoie fanned the deck and extended it my way, faces down, the swirling holographic pattern on back gleaming in the overhead light—“pick whichever card calls to you.”
I reached out my fingertips, planning on selecting whatever I touched and call it a day, only it didn’t feel right. This was ridiculous, but I did my best to follow her instructions, skimming the tips until I felt certain about which card to select.
I handed it over, and she placed it next to the others.
“As a Taurus, your grounded nature and logical approach to life are your strengths, but they can also cause you to approach challenges with stubbornness.”
Nope, that didn’t describe me to a T, not in the slightest.
“This reading will tap into both your past and the journey you're currently on,” she continued, “offering insights into what may lie ahead.”
She flipped over the first card and winced, and that was hardly a good sign. The heart pierced through with three large swords confirmed as much. “The Three of Swords in your past indicates a deep hurt, betrayal, or emotional struggle. This could have been a difficult personal relationship or even a setback in your career that felt like a personal failure.”
A band formed around my chest, cranking tighter like a vise, and Ashley’s image flickered through my mind. Surprising myself in the process, it flowed out of me like it was a subject I frequently discussed over a cup of tea. “My ex, she pointed out everything wrong with me until it felt like I couldn’t breathe or drink without criticism. Around everyone else, she bragged about my list of achievements until I realized how often she used me to get what she wanted while sweeping my personality, my hobbies, my dog, and my desires under the rug.
“But the end of the end was when I received a credit card bill and found out she’d been racking up expenses, putting me in a position where I was stretched thin and paying off her designer wardrobe for months and months.” Even now it caused me to fist my hands, pulling my focus from where I’d rather point it—at Zoie.
She lightly touched my hand, but I keep my gaze pinned on the card, an internal war waging within me whether I should’ve admitted that or not. “Graham, I’m so sorry that happened. There’s nothing like betrayal from someone you love—it cuts deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced. And as mad as I get at the other person, I’m pissed at myself for not seeing it, too, which makes it suck even more.”
“It’s fine,” I said, signaling for her to go on.
At the silence, I glanced up to see her torn expression, but then she nodded her head and carried on. “The logical side of you may have tried to push through the pain, but it lingered longer than you might admit. Your nature means you don’t easily forget these wounds, and they might have shaped some of your current decisions, making you more guarded. This card suggests that while the pain was significant, you’ve learned from it.”
Had I? I’d gone all in with Ashley, only to discover, after a year, that my relationship with her had always been more about status and money than me. Then I watched the same thing happen to my sister, pouring her entire self into a relationship and building a family with a man who’d also betrayed her before abandoning her and their children completely.
To say it scared the shit out of me to even consider a committed, long-term relationship would’ve been a massive understatement. I was also taken off guard by how accurate her reading was so far, leaving me contemplating whether I wanted to keep going.
Since I’d hesitated, Zoie was already flipping the next card. “In the present position, we have—ooh, the Star card.”
A large, bright star and the stars around it glimmered with the same holographic treatment on the back, shining down on a nude woman whose hair morphed into running water she also poured from her hands.
“This card represents hope, healing, and clarity, and suggests that after a turbulent past, you’re finding your way back to optimism. Right now, you’re in a place of healing and growth, guided by both logic and intuition. Keep trusting that the path ahead is one of hope and clarity.”
Both my logic and intuition said the same thing, and while the path was clear, my hopes had been thrown on a merry-go-round; where they stopped, not even I knew.
That was rare for me, and I tugged at my collar, suddenly toasty warm and afraid for her to flip that final card. No matter what it was, I couldn’t put any stock in it, but I couldn’t help wishing she could foretell the future, just so I could see whether it’d ever be anything but dark and dreary without Zoie and her luminescent explosion of energy.
We were talking London, after all.
Where my company, my dog, and my sister who needs my help are.
Zoie turned the final card over, revealing my future, but instead of relaying it to me, she sat blinking, the corners of her mouth quivering as though she didn’t know whether to persuade, use restraint, or celebrate.
I twisted my neck to study the entwined skeletons, bony arms hugging each other, with flowers and vines binding them together. A floral wreath rested on the crown of one of their ghoulish heads, although for the record, they looked like they’d died happy together.
“The lovers…” Her voice came out croaky, so she cleared her throat and tried again. “While this card is most commonly associated with love, partnership, and romantic relationships, it also signifies a difficult decision on the horizon that requires careful consideration and reflection, as it’ll impact your life, relationships, and personal growth.”
I’d already made the difficult decision, regardless of knowing it’d impact all three. If things were different, maybe… Maybe nothing, because they weren’t, and no good had ever come of daydreaming about a future made for somebody else.
“Is that all?” I quipped when I realized I should form some sort of reply. “No pressure.”
Zoie covered my hand with hers, immediately easing the knot that had overtaken my chest. “No pressure, I promise. This is more about getting in tune with your intuition and using your strengths to help you decide and deal. As I talk, just consider how to align it with your long-term goals and aspirations.”
She was arguing against herself without even knowing it and that didn’t seem rightly fair, either.
“As a logical thinker, you naturally lean toward the analytical. However, the Lovers card encourages you to also consider your emotions. Finding a balance between your heart and mind will be vital in reaching a fulfilling outcome.”
But the sad truth was, I couldn’t find a way to keep hold of everything I wanted, and I’d spent the past year working on this merger to ensure a securer future. It felt unfair, and I was battling the kid inside me who wanted to throw a tantrum over it—not like it’d do any good, anyway.
“This reading calls on you to blend your practical, grounded nature with the openness and optimism of the Star. You’ve healed from past wounds, and now, as you move forward, remember that your strength lies not just in logic but also in trusting yourself to make those choices and connections with both the head and the heart.”
We sat in silence for a handful of seconds and then she asked, “Any questions?”
I shook my head. I had all the answers, they just weren’t fun ones.
“Any complaints?”
At that, I blew out the candle, launched out of my chair, and gathered her in my arms. “No complaints—never any complaints. You’re the sunshine on my grayest days, love.”
It slipped out so easily, and even though California didn’t have many of those, I’d miss her extra whenever I stepped into the mist and drizzle.
“Does that mean…?” Zoie licked her lips and swallowed thickly. “Look, I’m not saying I’ve figured out how it could work, but I can’t just wait until the last possible second to tell you that I don’t want this to end.”
I must’ve pulled a face that portrayed my downer thoughts because hers crumpled. and she began to pull away.
Exactly what I needed her to do, yet I wound my arms around her waist and linked my fingers, keeping her with me. She shook her head before I could spill a word, like she didn’t want to hear it as much as I didn’t want to accept it. “I thought you felt it, too. Things were going so well.”
Her face tipped toward mine, the overhead light playing off the soft angles and the pillowy curve of her lips. “Actually, fuck that. Things between us are amazing. Graham, it’s not normally like this for me.”
Her words and the conviction in her punched a hole in my chest. “It’s never like this for me.” It echoed through the sparsely decorated living room until my ears rang with its fervency.
“Then is it really so crazy to try to figure out a way to keep it going?”
I curled her hand in mine and lifted it to my lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles and yearning to be anyone besides myself right now. Zoie had gotten a lot right in her reading; it was just that I didn’t believe matters of the heart should overrule the brain. I’d bought tickets for that ride before to end up alone and a pinch bitter against love, and I’d sworn to never lose my head like that again.
Tarot cards couldn’t change that—not even someone as incredible as Zoie could change that, and 100% of that fault lay with me. “Not crazy. Just not logical, either.”
I cupped her chin gently, peering into misty blue eyes that’d never fail to remind me of the London skyline. They glistened with unshed tears, leaving me desperate to fix it, while also understanding there was nothing for it. “I told you from the beginning it was destined to end. I was afraid of something like this happening.”
Obviously, I’d gone and said the wrong thing, because the tears spilled over and ran trails down her cheeks, breaking my heart in the process. Nova nudged Zoie’s leg with his nose and whimpered, checking in on her, even though both of us saw she wasn’t okay.
It was so similar to the wrenching and screeching within me, the noise ripping me apart.
“Yeah, how foolish of me to go and fall in love with you anyway,” she said, her voice a raw wound, and it was my turn to just blink.
“That’s right, Graham Edwards. I love you.” She sniffed and her warm tears splattered the hand holding her chin. “I’m sorry that’s so inconvenient!”
Like a bolt of lighting darting through the night sky, her words cracked me open like the tallest tree in an open field. She went to pull away, but I couldn’t let her just yet.
“Zoie, I…” I slipped my hand around to the nape of her neck, desperate to keep touching her when I knew damn well I should let go. “I know what I want, and that’s you—it’ll always be you.”
Fissures formed in my heart, the organ wrenching and forgetting how to beat. “I also know it’s not wise. I’m a man of my word and refuse to make promises I can’t keep, and Zoie, it’s not exactly a quick flight away.”
“But Facetime and modern technology—isn’t that your whole thing?”
“With the time difference and my hectic work hours, I’ve been able to call my sister three times in three months.” I swiped Zoie’s tears from her cheek with my thumb, wishing I could eradicate them for good. “It’d be torture, love. Seeing you but being unable to touch you, kiss you…”
Even though I probably didn’t deserve to, I angled my mouth over hers and kissed her with a heightened sense of urgency. It wasn’t until the second swipe of my tongue that she opened up her mouth for me and melted against me, and with her curves pressing into me so spectacularly, my business ventures and the goals I’d made before meeting Zoie suddenly seemed so inconsequential.
But deep down, I knew they weren’t. “I don’t want this to be goodbye.”
Part of me expected her to yell and tell me to go fuck myself because she certainty wasn’t having a go at me, and that crack in the center of my chest yawned wider when she said, “Me neither. We deserve a better goodbye than this.”
Not only was she right, my mind flooded with ideas. So, this time when I kissed her, I drew it out and lingered.
And when I wadded the hem of her shirt in my fist and she lifted her arms, signaling I could continue with my undressing, fireworks popped and fizzed, distracting from the seeping sorrow beneath.
Once I’d ridded her of her shirt, I scooped her into my arms. I might not be the guy who could be with her forever, but I could ensure we had one hell of a night saying goodbye.