Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
After a quick glance around my East London office to check nobody was in the nearby vicinity, my fingers flew across the keyboard, typing a question into the search bar I never thought I ever would.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
The cursor blinked, and generated a list of results onscreen, and I maneuvered my body to block as much of it as possible, scooting so close the edge of my desk dug into my gut.
I’d leased an industrial space near the Silicon Roundabout with a lot of cement and exposed brick, with tall, paned windows too old to properly open and close. Maintaining an open layout fostered communication, creativity, and upped the collaborative efforts of my employees. Knowing it’d be harder for my employees to come to me if I were sequestered in a closed-door office, however, the only door that opened and closed belonged to the glass-paneled conference room where we met with clients and potential clients. And while I stood by that decision that went contrary to my introverted nature, it meant my hub often ended up being King’s Cross Station during rush hour.
For some reason my brain skidded from King’s Cross to the bustling San Diego airport an eternal three weeks ago, where I’d arrived after wishing Zoie a final goodbye, the tears streaming down her cheeks and saltwater farewell kiss about breaking me.
“I should’ve known,” she’d sobbed into my chest, her tears a waterfall I was useless to stop. “You asked out Nova before you did me.”
A lump formed in my throat, same as it had when I’d shaken my head and attempted a joke, “To be fair, I prefer most dogs to people,” I’d attempted to tease, but it came out strangled through soupy emotions I couldn’t seem to plug up. Then I’d pulled her closer, winding my arms and securing her to me as tightly as possible, and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head. “But you? You were completely and utterly unexpected, not to mention one of the few people I enjoy even after getting to know them.”
My mobile had chimed with an alert, letting me know my driver had arrived in case I couldn’t see the silver sedan pulling up to the curb. It’d taken all my self-control to leave Zoie standing there, Nova looking on so bewildered as well, and I’d spent the entire flight home in a miserable trance I still couldn’t shake.
I’d been playing catchup ever since, with back-to-back meetings that felt as if they’d never end, only to do it all again. Not that it mattered, as anytime I found a quiet moment alone, I’d end up with my mind and my heart back on Zoie anyway.
While I typically skipped the overview up top of the search results, preferring to find information and form my own opinion, I was desperate for advice. I no longer had a certain pink-and-blond-haired woman to read my cards and sort it for me, and that was the entire problem.
Virginia Woof bumped her wet nose into my elbow, a reminder of one of many reasons I’d had to tell Zoie goodbye and return home to London. As requested, I ran my hand over the top of her wrinkled, tan forehead, my reward a string of drool on the thigh of my trousers.
She lowered her muzzle on my lap, and I continued petting her as I returned my attention to my screen. “ Three months? ” Dread crowded my chest, joining the ever-churning agony, and I did another quick check that nobody was paying attention to my outburst before lowering my voice so only my dog and I could hear. “It’s been three weeks, and it feels like my heart’s been ripped from my chest and tossed in a blender.”
Which I supposed fit, as it’d take at least that long to piece together again.
I rubbed at the gnawing void as if it’d help and looked at the candle Zoie made especially for me. A glutton for punishment, I went ahead and lifted it to my nose, inhaling scents that unlocked more memories of her and the night we’d spent saying goodbye with our bodies.
Ginny put her paws up on the desk, her snout swiveling between me and the screen, looking as though she were reading along and distressed by the news as well.
While it’d been extraordinarily busy, returning to the office had gone easier than expected, the transition as smooth as I’d planned and executed. Our merger had been announced and company stock was through the roof, leaving everybody at both offices buzzing.
It should’ve made me happy.
Day after day, I kept waiting for the proud warmth and accolades to repair the aching spot where my heart used to be. Twenty-one days of trying to pack the hole with other things, but anytime Zoie crossed my mind, it throbbed to life with renewed force once again.
Desperate to put an end to the torment, my fingers curled around my mobile before I could rethink it. Scrolling through my contacts spiked my heart rate, the organ throwing itself against the walls of its cage. I felt equally trapped by an obsession that seemed to be growing, not easing, and my emotions whirred faster as I neared the end of the alphabet for my contacts, all the way to Z for Zoie.
I converted backward across seven time zones, opposite the math I’d been doing during my stay in America.
4:37 a.m.
A horrifically early time, hours before the sun would even rise, and what with it being Wednesday, Zoie undoubtedly worked late at the Drunken Kraken last night.
It should’ve been enough to make me abandon my plan to ring her number, but I needed to hear her voice and see her face.
Damn it, I just needed her.
She was the sun, and I’d grown dependent on her life-giving glow.
At the buzz and flashing red light of the intercom on my desk, I dropped my mobile and scrambled to exit screens as Arthur said, “Harriet is here.”
Thank fucking God, saved by the sister. She was about ten minutes early for our lunch date celebrating Ollie being back in primary school. Since she said she missed getting dressed up and having a meal she didn't have to prepare or clean up after, mum offered to watch Phoebe so Harriet and I could go to lunch.
I pressed the button and told Arthur I’d be up front shortly. Click , click , click , I cleared my search history even though everything was also password protected and stood, joints popping as I stretched my spine and neck.
“Would you like to stay here at the office, or would you like to come with?” I asked Virginia Woof, who was much better trained than Nova and therefore, easier to deal with in public without causing a hubbub. She was practically the office mascot, with several members of my team keeping treats in their desk for her as well.
No surprise, my ever-present shadow insisted on coming along, as my absence had left her more proprietorial than usual. Given I was currently suffering from the same condition and required all the extra snuggles and affection I could get, we were in the same clingy boat.
Fingers crossed, one hour with my sister would help me figure out how to get on with my real life while dealing with the fact that I’d left my heart in California.
“Wow, look at you,” I said to Harriet as we climbed out of the car that’d delivered us to a popular dining spot with an upmarket yet laid-back atmosphere. Posh enough my sister would feel treated to a nice meal without the stuffy vibes of some of the other dineries in this area.
My head had been across the pond when she’d arrived at the office, but now that I was fully present, I saw the effort she’d put in: the wrap dress, heels, and jewelry. Her dirty blonde hair had been recently trimmed and dyed, the honey-blonde streaks brightening her entire demeanor.
She'd taken great care with her makeup, and as I held open the door of the restaurant for her, I said, “Seriously, you look great, Harriet. Like you should be on a date, not out to lunch with your brother.”
“Oh, are we handing out dating advice now?” she asked as she slid by. “Because I have loads of things I’d like to say about what a miserable git you are without Zoie.”
Like a sledgehammer to the chest, the pain radiated outward from that ever-bleeding gap in my chest, until even my fingertips pulsed with it. “That’s a no on the dating advice.”
My sister’s lips pursed in the exact way our mum’s did, but she kept her thoughts to herself, and that was for the best. I already had a heaping mess of Zoie thoughts in my head, no need to crank them up to the ultra-depressing level.
The host showed us to a table, and Harriet unfurled her white napkin and draped it on her lap, a wide grin on her pinker-than-usual lips. “Linen napkins even. I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to sit at a restaurant and leisurely peruse the menu.”
A waiter showed up to take our drink order, but once he was gone, Harriet lowered her menu and shot me a look over the top that caused the tiny hairs of my arms to prickle. “Speaking of dating...”
“Didn't we just agree to not talk about dating?"
“No, you said your peace, but you don't get to be the boss of everything.”
I opened my mouth to argue, and Harriet lifted a silencing finger, and suddenly I remembered why we used to fight so much as kids. “ However ,” she continued, “I’ll stick to my dating life only. For now .”
Her glare warned me she wouldn’t simply let it go, so I’d take whatever reprieve I could get. Nobody knew better than I did that it did no good to go around obsessing over things I couldn’t change.
Before my sister could tell me more, the waiter dropped off our drinks.
We placed our food orders, and once we were alone again, my sister thrust her mobile at me. “I'm dating again.”
Her online profile for the dating app displayed a couple of pictures of her, plus a bio about her hobbies and interests, a mention of her kids being her whole world, and the type of connection she was looking for.
“Good on you,” I said, handing her back her phone and trying not to think about how if I were to describe my perfect match, it’d just be a list of Zoie’s qualities. The connection I wanted was the one she and I had, only without the international commute. “You're braver than I am.”
“You’re right.” Harriet leaned closer, forcing her way into my eyeline. “I can't think of another time in my life this has happened, but you could argue with me until you’re blue in the face, and I’ll still know I’m right, so listen up.”
I dared to part my lips to respond, but my sister pinned me with a glare that had me zipping them shut again—she wasn’t done yet, and I got the message loud and clear that I was to sit and listen until she was.
“I understand that love is scary. I’ve been lied to and cheated on. I married a right wanker, and generally got my heart tromped on. I’m the exhausted single mum on telly I never wanted to be, and for several months, I wallowed in self-pity, to be honest.”
“But then came Phoebe’s first steps.” She lifted her glass to her mouth for a quick sip and then carried on. “I thought if she can be that brave, never having walked before, so can I. It took a few more months to process my divorce and what I truly want my future life to look like. I’m a good mum. I love my kids. They trust and love me so unconditionally, it's inspired me to ensure I take care of myself and expect the same out of any blokes I date, as well.”
Harriet paused to fiddle with her napkin, sorting out the words in her head before speaking as she so often did, and it’d always been something I’d admired. “That means chatting online and going on dates and putting myself out there. That’s the thing about love—about all relationships, really. Love requires we be vulnerable; it involves taking risks.”
The legs of her chair scraped lightly across the floor as she scooted closer and dropped her voice lower. “But there's also something brilliant about finding a person who gets you. Someone who cares to ask about your day, who makes you laugh and cuddles you to sleep at night.”
I had the laughing and cuddling in London with Virginia Woof. Back in California, I’d had Zoie and Nova, and the human half of that duo checked all the other boxes, too.
“I believe love’s the most powerful force in the universe.” Her faith in what she was saying left my sister absolutely glowing, her passion reaching across the table and shaking loose the emotions I’d done my best to repress. “It heals scraped knees with kisses, holds your hand while you’re doing brave things, and helps you conquer self-doubt. It’s more powerful than hate, and that alone makes it worth fighting for. And yeah, love also changes people so severely that regardless of how it ends—or doesn’t end—it’s bound to leave scars.”
My sister snaked a crooked trail with her arm, bobbing and waving around the excess of stemmed glasses and silverware on the sleek wooden tabletop, to give my hand a pat that was equal parts consoling and condescending. “That’s the entire point, you muppet.”
Just like that, we were eight and ten years-old again, and I launched sarcastic daggers right back, using both my eyes and my words. “Cor blimey, sis. I’m pretty sure your love is giving me emotional scars right bloody now.”
She giggled, and I broke as well, chuckling along with her.
“By the way, all that sounds terrifying.” I lifted my glass to my lips, wishing it were something stronger than water, but I had loads of work to be done this afternoon.
“Liar,” Harriet retorted with a point of her finger, and what was it about siblings and their ability to wipe out several levels of maturity with one word? “I see the signs. You’ve been reliving the thrill and grieving its loss, ensnared in love’s inescapable web morning to night, admit it.”
I neither confirmed nor denied. “Who said anything about love, anyway?”
“You and your mopey face.”
Me and my mopey face were about to toss down the menu and leave Harriet to eat alone, but then she curled her fingers around my hand, not letting go as her face urged me to listen in that bossy I-know-better-than-you, older sister way.
“Go ahead and say it out loud,” she encouraged. “Just see how it feels.”
Every second that passed had her eyebrows arching higher.
I shrugged a shoulder, flashing her my most baffled expression.
The encouraging hand squeeze switched to a smack of my arm. “Fuck off, you’re so stubborn.” She emitted a tiny grunt of dissatisfaction, and I stifled my urge to growl louder in return. “Fine, don’t say it. But anyone who knows you can see you're a fool in love. It’s absolutely knocked you on your arse and kept you there. I just thought you might want my help.”
Several arguments sprung to my lips, but my brain snagged on words I kept trying to avoid using, saying, thinking…
Yeah, how foolish of me to go and fall in love with you anyway!
I recalled Zoie using that word twice—well, more like screaming it. Round and round, it echoed through my head, as hard to shake as the sticky webbing Harriet mentioned. That’s right, Graham Edwards. I love you. I’m sorry that’s so inconvenient! ”
“It is inconvenient,” I said, the internal pressure enough to pop the cork. “From the very beginning, I knew it was a bad idea to get involved with my chaotic American neighbor and her mischievous pup. Sure, we had an incredible time together, and I’ve never talked for hours with anyone like that—never laughed so much and so hard in my life.”
I parted the tableware and propped a frowned-upon elbow on the table, giving in to the rambling urge to finally spill it all. “For some reason, that gorgeous hurricane of ideas and energy blows into my life and decides I’m interesting. One night I caught her dancing in her underwear because that’s how she cleans. She’s an incredible listener, never failing to show enthusiasm and interest over hearing about the tedious day-to-day details of my job and my life, even if she gets a bit distracted along the way now and again.”
Harriet nodded and grinned, ready to plow over me with how right she was before I could finish. Any other time I’d let her have the floor, but I couldn’t stop until I’d let the rest rush out of me as well. “She has crystals placed on every surface in her house and thinks they do things like clear and cleanse the energy. And while her dog is named Nova, Zoie’s a supernova, outshining everything else in the whole bloody galaxy.”
My sister’s mouth hung open, her loss for words a rather rare occurrence. Then her smile spread wide, and she renewed her grasp on my hand. “You asked me who said anything about love, and Graham, if you paid any attention to what you’ve confessed in there—if you saw your face light up whenever you mention anything related to Zoie like I do, you’d realize that you just did.”
It was my turn to sit there, completely gobsmacked and unable to string phrases together. Bugger it all, my sister was right. The only thing that shone as brightly as Zoie was the fire in my soul anytime I was around her, the glow that flared within me each and every time she crossed my mind, even when it also hurt, and it really fucking did .
“I’m madly in love with her, Harriet. It’s mental how much.”
My sister nodded, all smug and sage-like, clearly enjoying being right just as much as getting me to admit I was in love. “Now the real question is, what are you going to do about it?”