Chapter 5
Mireya
Play – I Bet on Losing dogs by Mitski
Absence of her
Lilies came back again this morning.
My hand mostly follows my mood, if I’m stressed or anxious, they mostly look dead, if I’m excited, they look more alive. They bloomed beneath my pencil one careful line at a time, their petals opening softly as the sun rose.
But they’re never finished. Every lily in my sketchbook is missing a petal. Every one of them.
There is something comforting about unfinished things.
They can’t leave you if they never arrive anywhere.
So, I keep sketching an entire garden of lilies with missing petals until I’m tired of it.
Now the sun is already up, and I’ve been sitting on the rooftop with graphite-stained fingers and an empty suitcase waiting for me inside.
The star cookies were still warm downstairs, cooling on the kitchen counter waiting for Milo to wake up. It’s an important day, this morning marks the last September 10th here in this house.
Starting tomorrow, I’ll be sleeping in St. Ellesta’s campus, diving straight into a year of intensive training.
The thought of leaving him behind knots something deep inside me. Two months clean isn't long enough to trust myself, and it isn't long enough to believe he'll be okay without me.
A little while later, the window creaks open behind me.
“Sissy?”
I smile at myself before climbing down from the roof.
Milo is in a good mood; he’s been singing all morning long. And I pretended everything was okay to make sure he never loses his smile.
By the time we finish the cookies, he's talking so fast I can barely keep up, and I let him ramble all the way upstairs while I unzip my suitcase.
A smile curls my lips as I watch him climb up my bed, knocking over the pile of clean laundry in the process. His feet dangle over the edge of the bed as he watches me with a curious glint in his eyes. “How long will you be away, Reya?” He asks as I fold up a pair of old faded jeans.
“A few months only.”
“Is Nana going to drop me off at school in the mornings?”
“Uh-huh, and she is going to pick you up from the bus stop after school.”
Milo smiles at this before glancing at the heaps of clothes around him. “Can I help?”
“Sure, can you grab my other suitcase from the closet?”
He scrambles off the bed like a man on a mission.
“It's just in there, firefly.” I gesture with my hands towards the closet door, watching him swing it open.
“Found it!” His small hands push it along the grey wooden floors towards me. I try to lean forward to help him, but he stops me with a stony look. “I can do it, look.”
I hold up my hands in mock surrender, letting him do it even though he struggles.
The suitcase sits between us as he wrestles with the zipper before finally pulling it open. “Whoa,” he says as he looks at all the old clothes and shoes of hers that I kept hidden all these years.
“Hey, wait a second,” I call out to him with a slight panic in my voice. My warning falls on deaf ears, though, as I watch him pick up an old book. The old, faded polaroids drop out of it, and I watch Milo scramble to pick them up.
He looks down at the pictures before glancing back at me. His sparkling gaze captured mine, and for a second it reminds me of her. That confused look she always had on anytime I’d approach after bruises formed on her skin.
I wish I could forget it... I longed to forget her.
“Reya, who’s this? She’s pretty.”
I inhale a long breath, moving the pile of clothing over to the other side of the bed.
Gosh, I don’t want to do this.
I wipe my hands on my jeans before sitting on the edge of the bed, back against the headboard, arms stretched out toward him. “Come here, firefly, I have to tell you something,” I tell him, keeping my voice as soft as possible.
His frown fades as he scrambles into my arms, settling against me like he used to when he was little.
“Who loves you the most, bug?”
“You do,” he says softly.
A long sigh escapes my lips before saying, “This woman here, she was our mom.”
His eyes widened for a second, filled with so much confusion and questions. “She… she loved me?”
I think… I think I’m unsure of everything she ever felt. I hope she did. I hope there was a version of her that could’ve.
“Yeah,” I whisper, forcing the truth I wish we had. “She loved you. So much.”
He looks at the picture again and asks, “What’s a mom?”
What’s a mom.
“A mom is someone who feeds you when you’re hungry,” I say softly. “And hugs you when you cry. She stays with you when you’re sick. She makes you laugh, takes you to school, and brings you home. She keeps you safe. She tries her best. Even on the days when everything feels too heavy.”
I keep lying, saying all the things I wished she could have done for me.
He tilts his head. “Just like you?”
“I try, Milo.”
He studies the picture a little longer. “Then, why did she leave if she loved us?”
You can’t tell him that part. He doesn’t get to carry that.
“Sometimes,” I begin, keeping my voice steady for him even as it cracks inside me. “People love so big that they have to become something bigger. Somewhere they don’t get tired anymore.”
He blinks at me waiting for whatever I was about to add.
“She wanted to watch over you all the time,” I say gently. “Somewhere she could always see you. Always protect you.”
“Like, from the sky?” He asks.
“Yeah, baby. From the sky, she became a star for you.”
“Did she hug me a lot?”
“Every time you’d cry, she’d hum a song and hug you tight, and you’d stop and sleep.”
You’re lying Reya.
He leans into me, head fitting perfectly against my shoulder. “But you do that too.”
I pull him closer into my arms, holding him tight, maybe too tight, terrified he’ll feel my shaking. “Of course, I’m your big sis,” I say, voice breaking.
He wraps his arms around my neck before replying, “Thank you for being my mom-sissy.”
A quiet, broken sound escapes me as I try not to cry. He doesn’t even know he’s the one keeping me together. “I love you, firefly, always,” I whisper.
“Love you too.”
We stay like this for a few minutes before I start getting up, and Milo follows me instantly, “Come on, we have to pack everything.”
He nods, and before he could even reply, a soft Miaow is heard from my window.
“Huh, is that a cat? Is he okay?”
I turn toward the sound. The same grey cat is perched on the sill, tail flicking, looking at me like he’s asking permission to come in.
He’s been visiting me for a few weeks now every time he needs to feel safe and warm.
He oddly looks like the cat my mother used to feed...
same blue eyes, same grey fur, but he’s way younger.
He always finds his way back here, so I gave him a name. Blue.
“It’s alright,” I say, kneeling as he hops inside. “Hey you, come here.”
Blue pads over immediately and presses his head into my hand, purring softly, as if he’s enjoying himself. I stroke his back, and he leans into me even harder, practically melting against my touch.
My brother crouches beside me, carefully petting him. “He’s cold. Poor cat.” He glances at me with big and happy eyes. “He really likes you.”
“I like him too. He sleeps here sometimes, when it’s cold or raining.”
He keeps petting the cat, thoughtful. Then, with a big smile, he says, “Then keep him. Adopt him so that he never has to be cold again.”
“I don’t know,” I say, still scratching behind Blue’s ears. “I’m not sure if he’ll fit in my dorm. It’s probably going to be too small for him.”
Milo shakes his head immediately. “He can sleep with you, and you can bring him back here during the weekends.”
“I’m not great at taking care of animals.”
He snorts, actual disbelief on his face. “You’re such a liar,” he giggles. “You take care of everyone.”
I smile, looking at Blue, then back at Milo and then kiss his cheek. “Fine. But I’ll need to buy some things for him.”
“Do it! Go! Aunty Hayzel’s coming in a few minutes,” he says, already hugging Blue like he’s made his decision for me. “She’ll stay with me until you come back. And I’ll take care of him in the meantime.”
“Alright.” I brush my hand over Blue’s fur as he curls against my palm. “But if he scares you, just go to your room and wait for me, okay?”
“He won’t scare me,” my brother insists. “He’s adorable.”
Blue wags his tail excitedly as if he knows we are talking about him.
Giving Blue one last gentle pat and a scratch behind the ear, I say, “Be nice, baby, okay? I’ll come back.”