Chapter 38
Mireya
Play - Retrograde by James Blake
Carried Ghosts
I didn't sleep a wink. I drew without stopping, as if my hands could erase what my brain refused to replay. Focusing only on things that make me happy. Milo’s face, then Blue and stars. Lilies. Anything.
But nothing is erased.
No missing person’s report has been filed. I didn’t see a wanted poster in the streets for weeks. As if she never mattered, as if no one truly wanted to find her.
Erased and forgotten.
That urge returned last night. I recognize it, but I’ve been pushing it away. Again.
I drank instead. Because alcohol fades, and because it’s easier. It made me softer, careless almost. Drugs don’t do that, they’re different. They make me miss them, they make me remember. But I couldn't give in again, not here, not now.
When I finally sat down, Blue settled against me and looked just as confused as I was.
I wonder how Damien feels. Is he overthinking the situation like I am? Or is he okay?
He did reply to my text a few hours later, it was a small “good.”
Then early morning came, but sleep never did and now I have to act normal again. Hayzel’s birthday is today and I have a lot planned for us. An excuse to get drunk and also give her the present I’ve been keeping a secret for weeks now.
I’ll have to smile, pretend, and play the part of the girl who didn't spend the night wondering if she witnessed a murder or a suicide. A girl who spent her night talking to her teacher and not following the rules at all.
These thoughts follow me as I try my hardest to get ready and calm down the pounding headache that is clouding my mind.
Hayzel is most likely still sleeping. She has a rule, no classes on her birthday. Not now, not when we were in school. Not ever actually. She always took days off even at work.
She treats it like a sacred pause from the world, as if she’s the only person in the world to experience and celebrate a birthday. Which means she’s still asleep and will stay in bed all day long.
I get ready quickly, grab my keys and head to my car. The academy is still half-empty at this hour. Mister Caldwell’s car is still parked at the exact spot I left it a few hours ago.
I drove out to pick up the cake I ordered. A small and simple chocolate one, already paid for, and then I went back.
I parked and headed inside with the cake carefully balanced in my hands. Then I stopped to take a long breath.
Don’t be tired Mireya, don’t show it.
I knock once, then again, softer.
“If that’s not a birthday emergency, I’m suing you, Reya,” her voice calls from inside, muffled and half-asleep.
“It is,” I say, smiling.
The door opens a second later. She’s a mess, hair everywhere, oversized shirt, eyes still squinting, and yet she lights up the second she sees me. “You came early,” she says, like it’s a personal betrayal I committed out of affection.
“It’s not early for people who have classes,” I reply.
“It’s not everyone’s birthday morning, and it’s okay but it’s mine today.”
She gets back to bed, sitting and rubbing her eyes like she used to when we were kids and I’d sneak up to Edna’s house. “Okay, come in before I change my mind and cry about how emotionally unavailable I am at 7 a.m.”
I stepped inside showing the cake box I was hiding behind my back and set it down on her desk.
“Wait,” she says instantly. “Is that for me?”
“You know damn well it is,” I say.
She laughs as I sit next to her, lighting the only candle I had in my car. “Make a wish,” I tell her.
“If I tell you, it won’t come true,” she says, closing her eyes dramatically.
“Keep it a secret, then,” I smile as I see her expression turning serious.
She hums like she’s thinking very hard about something life-changing, then blows out the candle. “Done,” she says proudly. “I wished for you to be slightly less emotionally constipated this year.”
I blink once. “Denied.”
She laughs again, softer this time as I reach into my pocket and look back at her.
“I got you something,” I say.
“Yes, I love gifts, give it to me!,” she mutters, already reaching for it.
She opens the box, the bracelet catches the light, with two small intertwined pinkies. For a second, she actually goes quiet, then she smiles. “Okay,” she suddenly says, holding the bracelet up. “I’m going to cry, so close your eyes.”
“Why would I close my eyes?”
“Because I have a reputation to maintain.”
“Do you like it?” I ask, watching her instead of the bracelet.
She looks down at it again, and her expression softens. “Are you kidding?” she says, voice already cracking. “Of course, it’s…us.”
“Don’t cry,” I say immediately.
“Too late,” she whispers, wiping under her eye with the back of her hand. Then she smiles. “This is actually kind of perfect.”
“Yeah?” I ask quietly.
She nods, still smiling through the tears. “Yeah.”
“Look at what’s written on the back,” I say.
She turns it over, and she starts crying again, but she’s laughing at the same time like she’s annoyed at herself for it. I end up laughing too.
I wanted her to like it. I wanted today to feel good for her.
Pinky promise, you’re someone’s favorite person.
She runs her thumb over the engraving. “That’s so sweet of you,” she says, all gentle now.
“It’s not,” I say immediately.
“It is,” she insists, slipping it onto her wrist. Then she holds her arm up like she’s showing off a trophy. “Look,” she says. “Proof I’m your favorite person.”
“Don’t get delusional on your birthday.”
She grins, “It’s okay to lie, I love my birthday gift anyway.”
And somehow, I let her win that one. She steps closer and before I can move away properly, her arms wrap around me like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
I go stiff immediately. One arm hangs there for a second before I awkwardly pat her back twice.
The usual routine. “You’re still doing it wrong,” she says into my shoulder.
“Doing what?”
“Hugging. You look like you’re filing paperwork on my spine.”
I huff a laugh. “It’s a hug.”
“It’s a tap-and-release situation. That’s not a hug.”
She finally lets go, shaking her head like she’s given up on me for the hundredth time. “You’re also my favorite person,” she whispers.
“I know,” I say.
She looks way too satisfied with that answer. “Go to class before I kidnap you for the day,” she says.
I grab my bag and blow a kiss at her, “You already tried that in high school.”
“And it almost worked,” she says instantly.
“I left my keys, bring Blue here for the day!” I yell as I head toward the door.
“Of course. My other nephew’s coming to stay with me today.”
“Don’t forget his food,” I add.
“I won’t, woman,” she says immediately. “And don’t forget the party tonight.”
I pause at the door to look back at her. “I won’t, I’ll get ready with you,” I add. “Pinky promise.”
That makes her grin.
“Good. Love you Rey.”
“To purgatory and back,” I whisper as I disappear behind the door and go to my first class of the day with Mister Caldwell.