Chapter 53
Mireya
Past
Seven Minutes
My head…my head is messed up again.
Snow is falling against the windows now.
Little white pieces disappearing into the dark.
Everyone kept saying snow was beautiful today.
That it was a happy day. So happy we should all celebrate.
But Christmas has never been Christmas to me.
It was just the day everyone else got to be happy while I remembered who wasn’t here anymore.
Happy birthday, mom.
Somewhere, people are receiving presents. Somewhere my mom should’ve been older. Somewhere I should’ve been okay. But I’m not. I’m fucking sick. I’m sick and I’m a mess.
I’m not replying to Hayzel, nor Ethan. I’m not smiling at Milo and I hate it. I hate the way his face closes up when mine isn’t pretending to be so bright anymore.
Edna is taking care of him today and dad isn’t at home. He never is when it’s her birthday.
I’m scared and tired. And I can’t keep doing this.
The bottle is empty already, the white powder is still all over the desk and my thoughts are nothing.
I hate it. I hate having to stay. Having to work and work and do things when all I can think of is leaving. These sick thoughts in my head keep coming back. If I go, Milo won’t be in danger, dad loves him. He hates me and only me.
He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.
The blade slashes through my skin. Vertical lines. The song is still playing. The cold tiles are not cold anymore, and for the first time in a while, a tear falls down on my cheek.
The monster should be gone now…
I wrote letters. One for Milo. One for Edna and one for Hayzel. Nothing for my dad. But none of them explain what I feel. Sometimes you just have to stop trying to find words to explain something that is just in your brain.
Maybe I do deserve all of this.
Blood is everywhere around me.
Make it silent, and painless.
I miss my mom. I miss myself. I miss not being born at all.
My head falls to the ground, hair sticking up with the blood and I cry until my body is cold.
“Where are you my beautiful girl?”
I hear Edna’s voice, but I can’t react. I don’t have the energy for that.
End it before she finds me. End it.
The door of the bathroom opens and the scream that leaves her mouth wakes me up almost.
“Mireya… oh no no no…”
She has Milo in her arms, facing the room instead of me. She sets him in my bed I think, because I can hear him call my name. Sissy. Sissy. Sissy.
The bathroom door closes behind her when she comes in. Why is she panicking? Do I look sadder now that I decided to leave?
Everything happens quickly. Her hand behind my head, the towel she used to stop the bleeding. The tears and screams that she tried to stop.
“Don’t.. don’t help me,” I beg. Pushing her away with no force in my shoves.
“You’re bleeding… gosh what happened? My little Reya…"
Stop helping. Please. Let me, let me make that choice.
Let me go.
I find the last drop of strength in me to talk, to scare her away. “I don’t want to be here, please leave. Take Milo. Please.”
“You can’t, baby. You have an entire life ahead of you. Listen to me.” Her hands wrap tightly around my wrist but I can’t think.
Tears are cascading down my cheeks. Dad is going to be happier. He needs me gone to be a better dad. And I…I can’t function anymore. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I lost so much weight I can barely recognize myself.
I’m going insane.
“I don’t want to. It hurts! It hurts! Even if I bleed the pain out it still hurts so much,” I sob, scream, push her away.
"Reya, baby, look at me."
"No, please. Take him and leave. Let my father find me. Let him regret it. Let him hate himself for this, let him suffer!”
Her fingers tighten around the second wrist. Why is she worried… “We’re gonna get through this, let me take you to the hospital. Give life a chance baby."
No please.
“I’m trying. I’m trying… I’M FUCKING TRYING.”
I’m sorry, I don’t want to scream at you.
“You have your entire life in front of you, I promise you this is not forever.”
“What if I don’t want it nana,” I sob harder now. I can’t hear myself. Everything slips out now that I can’t hold this urge between my fingers. “What if I’m tired of surviving? What if I just want peace, I just want to be okay, but I can’t?
She pulls me closer, staining her clothes with my pain. Crimson trailing down her sleeves, her chest. I ruined her dress… “Listen to me. Seven minutes.”
I shake my head, crying so hard I can barely breathe. “I don’t want even more minutes.”
“You don’t have to want them, baby,” she says softly and her voice breaks. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. “Just give them to me.” I want to leave. I need to leave. "Seven minutes," she repeats. “Talk to me for seven minutes, and I’ll remind you why you stayed that long, Reya.”
“There isn’t a reason anymore,” I whisper, closing my eyes again.
Let it be painless.
For once, just let death be painless. Life is too tiring.
“I’ll find one. Trust me.”
She cups my face, forcing my eyes to meet hers. But it’s blurry. It’s painful. I feel weak, I feel… I feel like I’m floating.
“If you give me seven minutes, I get seven minutes to love you back.” A tear slips down her cheek. No, don't cry for me. Don’t do that… don’t make me feel guilty. “You don’t get to make this decision while you’re hurting this badly,” she whispers.
I can hear Milo knocking on the door. He doesn’t understand. He should never see me like this. I want him to remember me as a firefly too. Just like him. Not a cold body, not a broken sister.
“Not tonight. Tonight you stay with me.”
“Nana, sissy, I’m scared,” Milo screams behind the door.
I can’t leave him. I can’t leave. I’m his big sister. I promised I’ll be his big sister forever.
“Seven minutes…” I let out in a low voice.
Edna smiles, tightening her hold on me. “Seven minutes.”
“And then?”
My head falls on her shoulder. I’m tired. I’m too tired now.
“Then we take another seven.”
Seven minutes. Seven minutes and I’m already surviving the night.