Chapter 61
Unknown
Play - If I Had a Heart by Fever Ray
Breaking A Mind
Some things in life should never change. Fear, anger, pain and control, any emotions that are human enough to feel weak if too strong.
These are things that can alter the human mind, the very essence of brain chemistry. She used to walk fast at night, always taking the longer path when it rains. Her head would tilt, her eyes would cry under the tears of the sky.
It was as beautiful as pathetic.
Patterns like these are easier to predict when they think they’re choosing themselves. Everyone thinks habits are boring. But habits are doors and they’re always easy to open when they’re not closed.
They always think they are alone. When they take a shower, a walk, when they draw… but I don’t need to touch to exist in her life.
She thinks her life is hers, that she’s escaping something she doesn’t even know exists. Thinking it’s just in her head… funny.
But some habits never leave. Raven hair still counts steps when she’s nervous before entering a room. She still searches for warmth and toxicity in the arms of people she shouldn’t trust. Did I break her ?
I wondered if she would grow out of that. Apparently she never did. Because she is something I shaped, and someone else is corrupting my work. She sits closer to this teacher now.
He leans toward her when he speaks, and she always nods. Then he touches her shoulder and she does not freeze…
That is new. I do not like new.
He is building over old foundations without permission.
People do that all the time, they renovate ruins without asking who ruined them. And I am very much possessive over my belongings.
She even smiles when he jokes… And that expression was rare even for me. I did not encourage it at all. I made sure no smile would be wasted on anyone else. But apparently I wasn’t convincing enough.
He thinks he is teaching her how to exist, how to erase me like I’m some kind of sinful and painful thought that haunts her. I wonder how long before she forgets why she learned to be quiet and detached.
Because you cannot remove fingerprints from bone, you can only cover them with skin and bruises.
I built a version of her that survived and this man is building a version that forgets. Raven hair is erasing a version of herself that took years to construct.
He might call that progress, I call it vandalism.
The only correct thing to do is keep pushing the pawns where they’re useful and for her to remember what happened to her. After all, trauma is the only immortality available to ordinary men.
And if I need to remind them both of that, I will.