Chapter 80
Mireya
Play - Youth by Daughter
Only the strongest survive
Training starts near the cliff today. Hayzel and I run together as pairs, Mrs Green doesn’t look at us when she tells us we won’t see the water until we finish. She just points and keeps walking slowly as we go faster.
“She’s a tyrant,” Hayzel says breathlessly.
I laugh and catch Ethan running toward us. “My favorite girls,” he yells and comes closer to us.
“Run faster, Bennett, you’re getting slower,” Hayzel replies as we keep our speed.
The path drops and everyone adjusts without talking. Sand and stone, breath getting heavier, Will stumbles behind me and catches himself too late.
No one stops apart from Ethan who helps him get up.
The beach finally appears around the bend in the path.
Wedged between the cliffs, it's much smaller here.
I used to come here with Hayzel when I was younger, so the disappointment of the students who aren't from around here makes me laugh.
The poor things were expecting something more magnificent, whereas it's mostly made up of stones and rocks polished by the water.
Some slow down immediately upon reaching the bottom, others simply collapse, no one expects Ms. Green to stop us there.
“Good.” Her voice is loud enough to be heard over the sound of the waves for everyone to look up. “It's not over yet. You're spending the night here.”
A few seconds of silence follow, then the protests begin.
“Excuse me?”, “The whole night?”, “Are you serious?”, “We have class tomorrow!” All repeating the same thing but Ms Green doesn’t care. She’s still smiling, waiting for everyone to stop talking.
I turn my head toward Hayzel at the same moment she turns toward me. “Absolutely not,” she says immediately.
Ethan, sitting next to her, shakes his head. “We signed up to be agents, not scouts.”
This elicits a few laughs from those around us. Ms Green, however, doesn’t even smile.
“Some of you may be assigned cases where you’ll have to stake out a place, target or entity for more than twenty four hours.
That’s days of sitting in your own filth waiting for your bosses call, and when that day does come remember this very day when you’re all moaning about a night at a beach. ” She says before looking away from us.
We’re all given bags, equipment, tents to pitch, and a list of tasks that no one really listens to all the way through. Around me, groups are already starting to form.
I pull out my phone almost instinctively.
“What are you doing?” Hayzel asks.
I look at the screen, then at her, and smile. “Blue is alone.”
“He’ll survive one night.”
I shrug, not really convinced knowing how energetic Blue becomes after midnight. “Maybe.”
“You literally taught him how to open the cupboards.”
I grimace… that's a valid point.
After a few seconds of hesitation, I opened the conversation anyway.
Me: They just told us we're spending the night on the beach.
The reply comes almost immediately.
Library: Where?
I look up at the cliffs around us before sending him my location and typing another text.
Me: Survival exercise. With Jensen and Green
A few seconds pass.
Library: What about the Blue?
Me: That’s why I’m texting you…
Library: I'll take care of it.
Me: Don't forget to play with him before he falls asleep.
Library: I'll spend the night in your room, don't worry. Take care. If anything happens, call me.
I reread the reply once before locking my phone.
“So?” Hayzel asks with a mischievous smile.
“Mister Caldwell is going to see him.”
She looks at me for a few seconds too long, then winks at me, “Of course he's going to see him.” she stops and looks back at me with wide eyes. “What do you mean, he's going to see him? And how did you get his number?"
She shouts the end of the sentence, and I have to put my hand over her mouth so everyone can't hear us.
“We're friends,” I lied.
“‘Friends’ when he's actually taking care of your cat? Do you think I'm an idiot, Reya?” She whispers against my hand. “Take your hand away from my mouth.”
“Promise you'll speak quietly?”
That makes her laugh. She nods, and I take my hand away. “We'll talk about it when we're alone. I have a shit ton of questions, young lady.” Then her smile disappears as quickly as it appeared. She pulls her knees up to her chest and looks out at the ocean.
Around us, groups continue to form. Some are pitching tents, arguing over instructions. Others are already trying to light a fire. Further out, a few students have managed to sneak into the water for a few minutes before the supervisors call them back.
Everyone seems to have found someone to spend the evening with.
“I want a 'friend' too.”
I turn my head slightly toward her. “What?”
She shrugs. “I'm feeling lonely right now.”
I frown as I sit closer to her and grab her hand. “What about that old guy you were seeing?”
Her expression changes immediately. “It's over.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.” She grabs a handful of sand before letting it fall between her fingers. “He was weird.”
“How so?”
She hesitates then interlocks her fingers with mine before replying, “I don't know. At first, I thought it was me. I always had the feeling he always knew where I was.”
“Maybe he was checking your social media?”
“I thought of that.”
“And?” I ask again, scared of what she might reply.
“I wasn't posting anything.” I turn my head toward her and she continues to look at the water. “At first, I found it flattering, then it became weird. He always appeared in the right place, he always knew the right information. Then I discovered that he stole my access card.”
That’s when I sit up straight. “Excuse me?"
“I'm serious,” she replies, just as confused as I am.
“How did he get it?”
“I have no idea. I searched for it for hours. Then it reappeared as if nothing had happened.”
“And that's when you understood?”
She shakes her head, letting a long sigh escape her lips. “No. I understood when I realized he knew things he should never have had access to.”
I feel my stomach clench, this son of a bitch. “You confronted him about this?”
She lets out a humorless laugh. “Yes. and he reacted very badly.”
“In what way?”
Her eyes meet mine and she replies, “In the sense that I realized I didn't want to be alone with him anymore.”
Silence falls between us again, and I put my arm around her shoulders. “He's an asshole,” is all I say at first.
She bursts out laughing. “Thanks for that very professional analysis.”
“I’m serious, he fucking sucks, if I see him, I’ll punch him in the face for that.”
Her smile returns as she leaves a small kiss on my cheek and settles against me, “I know, my best friend is an over protective psycho.”
I mirror her and exhale softly. I hate that someone used her for whatever fucked up reason.
The sun begins to disappear behind the cliffs when Ethan finally reappears again. He holds three meals in his hands with a dramatic expression. “While some people were discussing their relationship problems, others were working.”
He hands us the food and sits down.
“Thank you for your sacrifice, Bennett,” Hayzel replies, already tasting the food.
He shrugs, digging into his too, “I know. I'm a hero. After this, you'll help me finish the tents.”
“No,” we reply both at the same time.
He looks at us, eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean, no?”
“We'll sleep together,” Hayzel says with a smile before taking another bite. “We’re sharing a tent.”
“Of course."
He shakes his head. “I'm always left out of this friendship.”
Hayzel bursts out laughing and I smile before replying, “You'll survive.”
“One day I'll disappear, and you'll realize everything you've lost,” he says in a sad fake tone.
Hayzel looks at him and laughs once more, “We'll take the risk.”
He clutches his heart as if he's just been stabbed as my phone vibrates in my pocket. I look down and see a photo. My cat is lying on my bed. You can see part of Damien’s sleeve in the corner of the picture. Then a second message appears.
Library: Everything's fine.
Play - Matilda by Harry Styles
The night has settled, and Hayzel and I are lying in the tent Ethan had set up for us.
We can hear everything around us and it’s not the most comfortable place to spend the night. The world stretches out in front of us. The sky, the stars, the waves moving in and out along the shore. It’s so peaceful.
“It makes me happy to see you like this,” Hayzel says, finally.
I turn my head toward her, and I feel that part of me that I always keep hidden contracts gently. “Like what?”
She hesitates, as if searching for a version of the truth that won't hurt too much. “Happier. You used to disappear a lot somewhere inside yourself.” I think so too…
“I was scared for you, Reya…” she adds softly.
I stare at the stars without really seeing them, as if looking at them might prevent me from answering properly. “You worry me too.”
“Me?” And I nod. But she knows I’m trying to end the conversation so she continues, “Are you hiding something serious from me so you don’t worry me?” she asks.
I feel the question pass through me without encountering any resistance. And I understand that the answer already exists within me before I even formulate it. “Yes,” I say simply.
She straightens up slightly, like she wants to check if I'm serious. “Honestly?”
“Honest. If I know it could hurt you... I'd keep it to myself. I'd keep it until it becomes something I can keep on my own without infecting you.”
She looks at me for a long time, and then she moves closer. Without warning, she puts her arms around me. I stay still for a second, then hug her back, because it's the only thing I know how to do properly when words become too much.
“When we were little…” She starts, “I didn't know how much you were already suffering.” I close my eyes and she keeps going, “Until Nana told me about your mom.”
The world doesn't stop when she says it, but something inside me does.
“I felt bad talking to you about my problems after that,” she murmurs.
I shake my head lightly against hers. “They mattered just as much, don’t say that.”
She steps back enough to look at me, then her eyes return to the sky as if she's searching for a way to make me talk. “Do you think anything keeps living when people die?" she asks.
“Yeah of course…” I finally say, “they continue to exist in their loved ones’ memories, and in everything they ever did”
She takes a long breath. “I’m scared that the people we love will all end up leaving,” she says.
“They always leave,” I say softly. “Even if they’re loved, everyone leaves one day, Hayzel, it’s okay.”
She shakes her head. “Not you.”
I smile, but my chest tightens. The thought of ending the cycle never left my mind.
I still feel it, the fear of disappointing them all.
I know what grief does to the people left behind.
I’ve seen it. I’ve lived inside it. It doesn’t make them stronger.
It makes them weak sometimes, the smallest wounds reopen whenever it hits again.
It’s not egoistic, or maybe it is. Maybe after spending your entire life carrying everyone’s pain, choosing your own escape is the closest thing you’ve ever had to choosing yourself.
“What if I get too tired?” I ask, not really meaning to say it. “What if whatever she had in her, I have it in me.”
She straightens up immediately. “Then I’ll be there.”
I let out an almost sad sigh. “It’s not always enough.”
That’s what kept me going for years. Surviving the need to stop the pain from hurting, to stop the thoughts from screaming that ending it would solve it all. Remembering what it felt like to be on the other side of it, powerless, watching someone become a memory buried six feet deep in the ground.
“Would you fight to stay with me?” She asks softly.
“Until my last breath.”
She takes my little finger. “Pinky promise,” she says
I looked at her for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just repeating my mother’s promises in a different way, with better timing and more silence around it. But then I hook mine onto hers, pulling it up, with the moon as our witness. “Pinky promise.”
We settle back down, closing the tent and she whispers, “Love you, Rey. To purgatory and back…”
“Me too,” I murmur, and for a second, I let myself believe that some promises can last longer than the people who make them.