Chapter 90
Mireya
Play - White Ribbons by NewDad
Monsters under your bed
Hayzel is getting ready in her dorm for the party we’re going to tonight. I don’t really enjoy partying, I like it because I’m with her, and I have an excuse to not hide the need.
I did party a lot back then, but it was to forget, to convince myself that I was the version that made my mother end it. But she didn’t end it, now I know. And all I want is to relive these memories without the regrets I carried back then. Be free.
I take another swig from the vodka bottle I have on my lips. Moving past the bitterness of the liquid, I swallow it all in one gulp. I can't explain it. The feeling of wanting to be truly obliterated. It’s euphoric.
Chasing the constant high until there's nothing left but your hollow thoughts that are so distant you barely notice them.
Why should I feel ashamed about my addiction?
Isn’t that what my father has taught me to do?
Am I not my father’s daughter?
Having to grow up with an angry dad made me become him. I tried so hard to find softness and kindness everywhere around me while being him. And all I feel is guilt because I can’t reciprocate enough. I’m so tired and I don’t want to be him.
I want to be better, but I’m only becoming worse.
That’s why I like going out with Hayzel, she can still see me even when I can’t recognize myself anymore. I can’t stop feeling angry at everyone.
Damien is on top of the list right now and I can’t wait to get out of here and forget everything.
I hate him for making me want him to stay, because it would’ve been easier.
If he was cruel even after avoiding him and being angry at him for days, if he was indifferent, if he didn’t say what he said yesterday, I could let him go.
I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me, I know that even if he told me about this, it would not erase a life of self-hatred and regrets.
One day hopefully he’s going to realize I’m not a battle he can win.
The music is loud and my eyes wander over to the blue makeup bag I have sitting beside me.
I zip it open, pulling out the small bag of white powder and empty out the remains before picking up my student ID card to create three thick lines as I lean forward to inhale them.
The first line stings and I wrinkle my nose and then it hits.
Like someone flipped a switch behind my eyes. Everything around me is defined.
I can feel it.
The second line becomes easier, I don't realize that it’s temporary, I just want more of this feeling.
By the third, my body is all warm, and all I can feel and hear is my blood pounding in my ears. It spreads out, that warmth, that high I craved to feel.
I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.
A laugh escapes past my lips as I start dancing to the song that is playing. Manic, stupid and reckless. All I can do is let it take over me.
A loud thud jolts me slightly out of my daze.
What the fuck?
“H-hayzel?” I call out to her but receive no reply. I take another sip of the Vodka bottle before placing it back down and slipping out into the hallway. Her door is slightly ajar, but I can’t see anything inside, it’s quite dark, and everything starts to tilt around me.
“Hayzel, I’m going to come inside, I hope you’re ready!” I say, pushing the door.
“Mireya!” She screams before my eyes can make sense of what’s happening in front of me.
Someone is on top of her. Someone is hurting her.
I don’t think twice before jumping on his back and pulling him away from her. She gets up quickly, her cheeks are red and tears have fallen down her face.
There’s a tussle between this person and I. The need to fight back and protect Hayzel consumes me but, all I can feel is his hands tightening around me, pulling around my clothing and Hayzel still screaming.
“G-Go, go…” I manage to say before trying to continue, “get Ethan,” as his hands tighten around my neck.
Air is leaving my lungs but the man is still over powering me, even when I kick him, punch him and scratch his arms. His face is blurry, I can't see clearly… fuck, the lines were such a bad idea.
I hear him laugh, and my body reacts before my mind could. I freeze automatically, but I don’t know why. He grabs the lamp sitting on Hayzel’s bedside table and crushes it on my head. My eyes fight to stay open, but I can feel the warm blood trickling down my face and onto my body.
Stay awake, Reya.
Stay awake.
His body’s weight disappears from me and all I can hear is him walking out of the room.
My eyes close, and everything turns dark.