Chapter 101
Mireya
Play - Lover, You Should Come Over by Jeff Buckley
Fall with me
I can hear the song playing in his parked car, it’s faint but it mixes up with the sound of the waves and us, heavily breathing.
“Hey,” he murmurs softly.
There’s a voice in my head already screaming.
This is how it starts. This is where it turns. You know this. You’ve lived this.
My fingers curl against my chest, nails biting into skin I already hate, skin that’s mapped with memories I never asked to carry. He notices and his hands shift, hovering near mine, like he’s asking permission without words.
“You’re here,” he says quietly. “With me.”
“I don’t—” My voice fractures, and I try again, smaller, “I don’t know how to do this.”
The confession feels like stepping off the cliff, for a second, I expect the fall, instead, he smiles. A little sad, maybe. Like he understands more than I’ve said.
“You don’t have to do anything,” he answers. “Just stay.”
Stay.
My hand moves before I can overthink it, slow, and hesitant, I reach up, fingers trembling as they come near his face. He goes still, waiting for me to do more.
“You can touch me,” he whispers.
“You don’t like being touched.”
“Not with you,” he says.
The voice in my head gets louder…
It’s a lie. It always is. He’ll leave. He’ll hurt you. This is a mistake.
But my fingers are already brushing his cheek, and he closes his eyes. As if it means something. As if I mean something. But… If this is wrong… why does it feel like this?
Why does the noise in my head dull every time he exhales?
Why does the cliff feel farther away when he’s looking at me like that?
“I’m scared,” I admit.
His hand finally settles over mine, holding it there against his skin. “I know.”
“I keep thinking…” My voice shakes. “That it’s going to be the same.”
His thumb brushes lightly over my knuckles. “It’s not,” he says softly.
How does he sound so sure? How does he make me want to believe it?
My gaze drops to his lips, then back to his eyes, like I’m caught between questions that I don’t know how to ask. He leans closer, but slowly, giving me time to pull away. And I don’t. I don’t understand why I don’t. The voice is still screaming.
Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea.
But there’s something quieter now, something fragile pushing back…
Then why do you feel safe?
His forehead brushes mine. “You’re not alone in this,” he murmurs. “I’m here. I’m with you.” His eyes don’t leave mine as he continues, “And if you want to stop, we stop.”
My fingers tremble against his cheek. “I don’t know how,” I whisper.
His forehead dips closer, almost touching mine again. “You don’t have to know how,” he says. Then, even softer, “Just stay with me for a second.”
“I want to,” I whisper, swallowing hard. “I want to… with you.”
My fingers tighten slightly against his skin, like I need something solid to hold onto before I fall apart in the middle of my own answer. “How?” he asks softly.
“Like you look at me.”
“And how do I look at you, Reya?”
“Like you feel everything,” I whisper. “Like you’re trying not to lose control of it.”
“I can do that,” he says quietly.
The music is still coming from the car somewhere behind us. Low, fading in and out with the wind. It’s never over…
I don’t move when his fingers shift at the strap of my dress. The fabric slips off my shoulder and suddenly there’s air there; cold air, and I feel it everywhere.
His hand moves behind my head, long fingers tangling in my hair with a cruel tenderness, keeping me from tipping back into that space in my mind where everything disappears. The cliff is still there, even if I’m not looking at it, and I feel it.
He leans in slowly, like he’s giving me every second to stop him, his mouth brushes my shoulder. Then his voice comes low, right against my skin, almost lost in the sound of the wind and the distant music.
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder…
“Remember,” he says. His hand steadies at the back of my head again, not stopping me from falling. “If you fall…” Another pause. “…I’ll follow you.”
I look at him for a second too long, his eyes don’t move away from mine. My fingers slide into his hair and pull him closer, enough that there’s no space left to think.
“Then kiss me…before we both fall.”
“Open for me, Mireya,” he murmurs.
And I let my lips part, and the world falls away when he finally kisses me.
What am I doing?
His mouth crashes against mine, with all the desperation we’ve spent months burying, pulling every last piece of restraint from me, until there’s nothing left but the ache of wanting him. My hands roam around his neck and I can feel his pulse under my fingers.
This is real. He is real.
“Feel it, Mireya. My heart. It’s beating for you,” he whispers.
His heavy breathing comes out in pants over my shoulder and I instantly grab onto him as the intensity from the heat becomes almost too much to feel at once. His hands run over my body softly which scares me as much as it excites me.
I’m scared of my body. Having him seeing me without my clothes covering my scars will have him asking me more questions. Questions I’m not ready to answer.
But I won’t need words for that, my scars already scream the truth. The faded marks, the unhealed scar tissue and the fresh marks I’ve created already tell the entire story.
I want to stop him for a second, ask him if he’s ready to see the broken canvas that I am. Instead, he pulled back to meet my eyes, his lips were swollen, his smile lazy, and then he says low, “Don’t hide from me.”
Breathe.
“It's me, remember?” he says quietly. “It's just me.”
“I trust you.”
“Then tell me how do you want me to make you feel?” He asks, as his hands brushes a strand of hair out of my face.
“Everything,” I whisper. “Everything all at once.”
“Then, I’m going to give you everything.”
He squeezes my hands near my head, pushing me further down the edge. Half of me is already hanging down the cliff. But I’m not scared. I trust him.
I can feel him slowly kissing my chest, then my stomach through the fabric of my dress, until he reaches my hips.
That’s when cold air hits my skin. With his free hand he pulled it up until nothing was covered anymore.
It’s strange how my body reacts to his touch, arching automatically to seek more of him.
“Look at the stars, Mireya. Show them how beautiful you are when I touch you.”
And I do. I look up, and my eyes are met with an endless dark blue sky, sparkling with an infinite amount of stars.
“They’re beautiful,” I whisper almost to myself.
His head disappears between my thighs and I hear him ripping my dress in shreds before feeling the cold fabric falling around me. “Keep looking at the stars,” he murmurs softly against my skin. “I’ll show you better ones to look at soon.”
I feel him opening my legs wider, pushing them further apart as his fingers tighten under my ass. My breathing turns rapid when I look up to see his head now placed between my legs. He spanks me, before he meets my eyes with a wicked grin. “I told you to keep your eyes up, Mireya.”
It stings, but it’s not painful, it’s warm. And I do, I look back up and feel him move between my legs. A tongue, soft and warm licking my thigh as his hand rips the only thing that was keeping me from being completely naked.
My panties fly out, shredded and the next thing I know, his mouth is already there.
“Oh–” I don’t even recognize the sound that’s coming out of me.
I hear him suck in a groan as if he’s savoring the taste of me losing it against his lips. My back arches as I try to breathe but he doesn’t seem to care, he keeps sucking and bruising my flesh with his mouth.
“You're dripping for me already, Mireya,” he tells me, looking up. “You can let go. I’ve got you.”
My legs wrap around him pushing his head closer without me even realizing it.
It’s not painful. Not at all. I don’t even register when I throw my head back further into the void.
I feel the wind slapping me, I hear the waves crashing against the cliff, but nothing is scaring me.
I’m floating between pleasure and serenity, and I never thought I’d reach that state without having to use drugs or alcohol. Without harming myself.
I feel him sucking more violently as his hand crawls back up on my body.
But then, the warmth of his mouth disappears from between my legs for a second too long and I feel his weight creeping up on top of me. The hand that was restraining mine loosens up before he touches my lips slowly.
“Tongue out, Mireya,” he says. I force myself to look up at him, confused, the pressure in my head making everything hazy. But he adds, softly, “Come on, I need you to suck them before I can use them.”
And I do it, hypnotized by the person I have in front of me.
Not the soft Damien, he’s more brutal, more needy.
My tongue circles his fingers without him breaking our eye contact.
“Remember, even if it hurts, it isn't pain. Not with me,” he whispers before kissing me one last time and going back down, pushing my body further down the edge.
An agonizing moan escapes my lips at the contact of his finger inside me. One thrust. Over, and over again.
“Take them deeper. Can you do that for me?” He asks, voice deeper than the ocean that is threatening to engulf my soul beneath me, as he thrusts his fingers faster and faster. My body follows the motion, swaying and arching, bucking urgently, wanting more, needing more.
I hear him but I’m not there anymore.
I’m dizzy, my head burns, my eyes are watery, I can’t focus on anything apart from what’s happening inside me.
The warmth, the escalation of pain turning to pleasure as he adds pressure with every thrust. I want to reply.
Yes. With you I can. I want to say that I do feel how my body is betraying every ounce of anger I held against him for lying to me.
And it doesn’t feel wrong.
The stars are witnessing me unravel between his hands and all I can do is focus on them to not lose myself in whatever ecstasy this is.
He stops for a moment before spitting down on my clit and says, “Tell me if you want more.”
I lift my head up, my stomach tightening with the effort to look up at him, “Damien, please…”
He smiles, head titled as he’s burying his head between my thighs again, long fingers breaking me from the inside, harder and harder. So deep I can feel the veins pulsing.
Focus on the stars.
I try to speak but I feel my body exploding. It’s warm, messy, it’s everything I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. My legs shake as I keep his head pressed against me until the trembling stops, until the stars duplicate in the dark sky.
Until I can feel the tears falling down into the wind.
“Fuck…Damien…”
Screaming his name and hearing it echoing around us with the sound of the waves crashing more violently against the cliff wasn’t something I was prepared for. It feels good. It feels safe.
He’s on top of me again as I’m still trying to calm down the shaking that is taking control, holding my head that was still hanging back and I don’t care if I fall because even if this was my last night spent on earth it would be with him and us falling together.
“It’s not over, Mireya,” he says as he stands to pick me up.
There’s no stopping now…