Chapter 105
Mireya
Play - Yellow by Coldplay
A Galaxy For You
Less petals are missing now.
I notice it when I look through the sketches I made that night.
A week has passed since he and I spent the night at his house, and somehow, even though I haven’t finished a single drawing, they’re better.
The hands are almost touching now, one is his, the veins, the tattoos, I know it’s his.
Mine stops at the wrist, for now at least. I don’t know what that means.
But it’s a step closer to his goal. One final drawing at the end of this year.
We both missed St. Ellesta the next day.
I asked Hayzel to cover for me, which, of course, meant answering a million questions afterward.
I told her I’d been with Damien to ‘work’ on a project.
She laughed, asked even more questions, and eventually reassured me that Blue could stay with her for as many days as I needed when I asked her to keep him until I’m back.
I just needed a day. One away from life. One close to him.
I miss Blue. I wish I could bring him here soon, he’d love the windows…
I didn’t tell her anything else.
Then Tuesday came, and reality came with it. Classes started again for me. We went back to the academy, back to our routines, back to pretending we were nothing more than student and teacher.
And he stopped talking about the case. At first, it bothered me.
The case was what had brought us together in the first place.
It was the reason I had started spending so much time around him, the reason we had gotten close enough for everything else to happen.
Now it seemed like he had pushed it aside. I tried to do the same. But I couldn’t.
The Chain Poet was still there, sitting at the back of my mind no matter how hard I tried to bury him. The man who took my mother’s life, the man who took so many others.
So I kept going through the files. Again and again.
Alone in my bed as Blue curled against me.
Between classes whenever the need came back and I had to focus on something else.
I reread everything we had, looking for something we might have missed, some detail that could move us forward.
But we were still missing the donor list, and without it, there was only so far we could go.
So I focused on what I could control. His courses.
My work. Anything that could keep my mind busy.
Anything that could keep me from thinking about the poison in the makeup bag.
I’m trying to stop. Some days are easier than others, most aren’t.
I miss it every day. The blades are appealing too, but I learned how to use them so that no one would notice, not even him.
My body reminds me of it too. The sweating, the restlessness, the exhaustion that somehow never feels like enough.
I keep telling myself it will get easier if I just keep going, if I keep fighting it.
And whenever it gets particularly bad, Damien shows up at my dorm.
He never makes a big deal out of it.
Sometimes he barely says anything. He just comes in, plays with Blue if I’m too tired to do so, changes his food, water and litter like he’s also his cat. Then he sits nearby, and makes sure I eat something. Sometimes he stays until I calm down, and sleeps next to me.
We talk all night, and then when the morning comes he leaves. Our relationship changed a lot, I know it. When I look down at my sketches again, at those hands getting closer and closer, I know this is not ephemeral.
The mean thoughts are still there. So is the loud voice, the anger, all of it. He hasn’t made any of it go away. But now, when I feel myself slipping too far, he pulls me into his arms and holds me until I can breathe again.
Two days ago was the Fourth of July. I spent the day with Hayzel, called Milo and Edna who were already out to look at the sky lightning up.
Then we took Blue with us to watch the fireworks from afar.
He didn’t like it… Hayzel left before the night was over, brought back Blue with her and I stayed.
Damien found me there, and somehow, I ended up spending the rest of the night with him.
Now, sitting in my bed with Blue playing with my hand, I try my hardest to focus on these new memories. Happy ones. Good ones.
There's this heavy weight in my chest that keeps coming back and refuses to leave me alone even when I pretend to be functioning, even when I talk to myself just to check that my voice still exists.
Blue lifts his head up toward the door when I see
A note sliding under my door. I stand up, crouching down to grab it. My fingers hesitate for a second and when I open it, I recognize his handwriting.
Follow the stars, same place.
-Library
I remain motionless for a long time with the paper in my hand. Follow the stars?
A smile appears on my lips, as I straighten up. “I’ll be back,” I tell Blue, who’s looking at me confused. “I don’t know either, baby, I’ll tell you when I’m home.”
I get ready quickly before picking up Blue and his things, and knock on Hayzel’s door. She opens it and looks at me for a second too long, and she smiles.
“Okay,” she says immediately, “Let me guess. You have something to work on with Mister Caldwell?”
I let out a laugh and push her back in gently, as Blue follows us. “I'm going for a... walk, woman.”
She nods slowly. “Walk, meaning, him. You think I’m blind, Rey?”
Blue settles on her bed as we stay there, looking at each other and smiling stupidly. “He’s a really good teacher…”
Her eyes widen and she lets out a big gasp before shaking my arms excitingly. “Oh you two kissed!” I look away and she immediately understands we did more than that. “You’re lying! Did you see him naked?”
I laugh, coveting up my face. “Maybe?”
She kisses my cheek before sitting next to Blue and looks up at me. “You can go, but once you’re back, I need you to tell me everything, and I mean, every-thing.”
I nod quickly, leaving a kiss on Blue’s head and when I open the door again I turn toward her, “Promise I will. Be careful,” I say.
I close the door behind me, his note still in my hand. I still have no idea what he has planned. Follow the stars…
I cross the campus and take the small path through the trees leading to the cliffs.
It’s dark here, I try to understand what he meant by that and before I can ask myself more questions I see them.
Between the trees. Paper stars, hanging from the branches, one after another, leading me toward the cliffs.
What is happening?
I stay there, not moving forward, because it hits me all at once. Paper stars in the night, as if he tried to redraw the sky at ground level for me. Some are perfectly cut, others are crooked, slightly crumpled, with uneven edges. They’re my favorite ones.
Because he sat down and took the time to cut them out, one by one.
He did this for me.
I keep walking, but the path feels different now.
Same trees, same ground beneath my feet, same cliffs waiting at the end of it.
But somehow, he’s changed the whole place without even being here.
Then I see the car, and him. He’s leaning against the door, a cigarette burning slowly between his fingers.
Beside him sits a small blue lantern, its light spilling softly onto the ground.
He watches me approach but doesn't move. His eyes find mine and then he says, “Are you going to stay there and watch me, or are you coming?”
I let out a breath that turns into a laugh. “I'm coming.”
When I reach him, he stubs out his cigarette, his eyes never leaving mine. He speaks softly, as he grabs me by the waist, pulling me closer to him, “You have twenty-three stars to use to make twenty-three wishes.”
His mouth finds mine before I can say anything. I forget about the stars, the lantern, the fact that we’re close to the academy. My focus is on the way his hand is warm against me, the way his lips move slowly as if the very air he needs to exist hides in me.
When he pulls back, his eyes fix on mine, gentle blue eyes that never judged anything I’ve ever told him. His forehead nearly touches mine, and I want to cry and kiss him again.
“You know, for valentine’s day we were working on the case,” he says, voice low.
I smile. “You crushed the rose Ethan gave me during your class.”
We were pushing each other away too…
A small laugh escapes him, “I did. But you drew a star on the table that day.”
My smile fades. “You remember that?”
“I remember you.” He looks away first, toward the trees. “We couldn’t… I couldn’t spend the day with you back then. So this is our day instead.”
I look around at everything he's done. The stars. The lanterns. The path he made me follow just to find him here. “You did all this because I drew a star?”
He looks back at me. “I did it because I wanted to.”
My throat tightens when he reaches for the lantern and places it in my hands. “Make a wish.”
I look down at the small blue light glowing between us. “You're really doing this?”
“Apparently I do now,” he says softly. “Come on, Mireya. Make a wish.”
He then guides me toward the edge of the cliff without letting go of my hand, and the world becomes bigger, more open, almost too beautiful to be real.
I laugh softly, and close my eyes. For a moment, I let myself want something without questioning whether I deserve it.
Then I make my wish and release the lantern.
And as it rises into the sky, I feel as if a part of me rises with it, like I can finally release something without disappearing.
I wish… I wish that the pain will finally disappear.
“I’m with you,” he murmurs next to me.
Music suddenly spills from the car and I turn toward him.
He holds out his hand. “Come here.”
I laugh nervously, walking toward him and taking his hand in mine.
“Dance with me,” he adds.
“Here?”
“Here.”
I stare at our intertwined hands, then at him. “Who are you, and what did you do with my professor?”
That earns me a quiet laugh. He pulls me into him, one hand settling at my waist as we begin to sway beneath the trees.
I rest my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat beneath my ear, wishing the night would slow down.
Then his voice comes quietly above me. “Remember what I told you,” he whispers softly.
I lift my head. “What?”
“We're creating good memories.”
I dance with him in the night, between the paper stars and the light that still flies across the sky, with this thought that gently returns every time he’s near me. I think I would like to stay here a little longer, maybe forever.
“Do you ever wish we met somewhere else?” I ask as his mouth meets the top of my head.
“Somewhere else?”
I look up at him and smile sadly. “A different life.”
“No.” He shook his head, then adds, “I just wish you’d had more nights like this.”
I rest my head on his chest again, and his arms close around me. Maybe if I’d had more of them, I would’ve wanted to stay longer. Maybe I would’ve known how to stay.
“Good memories,” I repeat softly.
His head rests on top of mine, the dance turns into a long hug, music still playing in the background, and he whispers, “You’re safe here. Monsters will never find you in my arms.”
I say nothing, and hold him a little tighter.