Chapter 107
Mireya
Play - Bad Kingdom - Lulu’s Version by Apparat
When she is near
“Hold your arms up, woman!” I laugh as I lunge towards Hayzel.
“God, Reya.. I’m trying,” she replies breathless.
I shake my head at her blocking the counter attacks that she throws in my direction. “You know…” I dodge. “You’re gonna make a shit,” another dodge, “agent, if you keep this up.”
She glares at me before spitting out her mouth guard and throwing her hands to her sides.
“I’m tired now, Reya.” She shrugs, already removing her hand-wraps. “Let’s stop, okay? I need a long and hot shower, then a massage.”
I laugh and follow her to the far end of the room as she grabs a water bottle.
Monday morning and we’re already exhausted from training.
The last part of our exams is coming really fast and we have to do better.
I spent the weekend back at home again, dad’s assignment ended on Sunday and Milo seemed really happy to have him home again.
I don’t remember much of it, I think I’ve gotten better at dissociating and erasing him from my day to day life and any of my memories.
The good thing is, I had something to hold onto. The memories of Damien’s surprise were all I could see in my head. Follow the stars…
Now, I’m with Hayzel in the training facility. We’ve been working on her self-defense stance for two hours.
“Did you work on your ‘secret project’ with Mister Caldwell this weekend?” She says, teasingly.
A chuckle escapes my lips as I shake my head. “For your information, woman. I was at home with Milo.”
“Oh, your Dad is back?”
I nod, trying to mask the discomfort I feel whenever he’s mentioned. “Yep. A whole month away from here and now he’s already back to work.”
I gesture with my chin up at Ethan and Will who are also training on the other side of the room. “You know he’s still not talking to me.”
“Oh yeah? What have you done now?” Hayzel says with her hands on her hips.
“I haven’t done anything, woman.”
She smiles, before poking my cheek with her sweaty finger “So… Are you going to tell me why I can hear our teacher’s voice in your room every night?”
I gasp, slapping my hand over her mouth. “Not here, you perv.”
She bites it until I let it fall down and her smile comes back. “Let’s go to your dorm, and you will not escape the interrogation this time.”
Hayzel’s already walking back out, and I follow her, preparing myself for this conversation. We pass by Ethan and Will, and when our eyes meet, all I see is disappointment and confusion. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I flip him off and leave.
We walk in silence, until we reach my dorm and she’s already removing her sports bra before I have the chance to push the key into the door.
“So, are you gonna tell me now?” Hayzel says, shouting as she rushes inside my bathroom. I hear the shower turn on and I face dive onto the end of my bed.
“Well?!” She shouts again over the spray.
Blue jumps up next to me, already rubbing his head against mine.
“Take your shower first, you stink,” I reply as I play with him in the meantime.
I flutter my fingers in front of him, watching as he lunges for them as if they’re small mice or one of his favorite toys. “You’re a menace,” I whisper to him as he bites my thumb.
I missed him and judging by the way he’s tilting his cute face to the side, he missed me too.
“Now that I’m clean, tell me everything about you and Mister Caldwell,” Hayzel says as she appears wrapped in a towel before sitting next to me.
“Shit. Can you clear your throat next time before you sneak up on me?!”
“Hmm, I’m sorry, did I scare you?” She quips, stroking my hair as if I was Blue.
I bat away her hand. “Stop trying to soften me up, I’ll tell you everything.”
“Fin...al..ly!” She barks loudly.
“Keep your voice down,” I hissed, throwing a pillow at her.
She catches it immediately. “Oh please, Blue is the only one listening,” she replies, chuckling.
Blue lifts his head up at the sound of his name, then immediately drops it back on my lap like we’re bothering him.
I shake my head, exhaling softly. “I don’t even know what we’re doing.”
“Do you like him?”
I stare at my hands, then at the window, avoiding her gaze and reply, “Yeah, I really like him.” Hayzel’s gaze meets mine as she traces over my features, studying me.
“And does he like you?”
“I think so?” I shrug.
“You think so, Reya?”
I tilt my head, looking at her this time. “Well, he doesn’t exactly talk about his feelings,”
She gasps, “Who would have thought? Shocking…” She replies exaggeratedly. I laugh quietly as she nudges my leg with hers. “Did you sleep with him?”
I nearly choke on my saliva.
“What? You knew I’d ask that, Rey,” she adds, shrugging.
I stare at the ceiling, then back at her and sigh, “Yes.”
Her eyes go wide. “You fucked our professor?!” She squeals.
“Yes… Yes, I did okay? Can you please keep your voice down or do you want the whole of St. Ellesta to know?”
She grins. “Okay, okay. But, was it good?”
“I’m done with you,” I reply, smiling, already standing up to go to the bathroom.
“Wait,” she yells behind me and I pause. “Seriously, promise that you’ll be careful? I don’t want a freaking professor of all people breaking my best friend’s heart.”
I turn my face toward her and smile. “I promise, he won't. If anything, he’s healing it.”
With that, I leave to take my shower.
Play - Willing and Able by Noah Kahan
I’m drying my hair as I open the door leading into my bedroom. A thought dawns on me. I completely forgot to talk about Milo’s birthday coming up.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you—” My sentence is cut short as I see Hayzel standing at the side of my bed trembling.
“Hayzel?” I whisper.
She turns around, holding my sketchbook in her shaky hands, tears slowly fall down her cheeks and I freeze.
The drawings, the thoughts, the drugs and blades, even the abuse. She knows.
“Give me that,” I say, my tone meaner than I wanted to.
She doesn’t move at first, her eyes are still on me, confused, shocked maybe. “Mireya, wh—” Her voice sounds strangled and the tears stream down her face.
“I–It’s just thoughts and drawings, Hayzel, that’s all. Don’t do that…” I try to sound convincing, but my best friend knows me better than anyone else. She knows I’m lying.
She knows.
She wipes her face after handing me the sketchbook. “I thought I knew you.”
“You do,” is all I can say. Please Hayzel, not now. Not you.
“No,” she replies, shaking her head. “I knew you were struggling, I knew you weren’t okay sometimes, but…” She looks at my wrist then back at my eyes. “I didn’t know and–”
I stare down at the page she was on, one of the older ones. A girl with her arms wrapped around herself, surrounded by black dying flowers. And my handwriting next to it : I still feel his hands.
She takes it back from me, opening it again and I don’t stop her. I’m frozen, and I don’t know how to explain something I don’t understand myself.
Her eyes move across the next page as she’s flipping through it, tears still falling down, quieter now.
A flower with blood dripping from its petals.
A quote about how blades became my escape.
Another page. A line about needing something to quiet everything.
Another. A knife and crying eye next to a new quote, ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again but he came back tonight and it hurts. ’
Her hand flies to her mouth and that’s when I move toward her. “Stop.”
She looks at me, horrified, worried, sad almost. “You’re taking–”
“Stop reading.”
But she already has seen it all. The dates on top of each page, the entries about the cravings, the ones about wanting to disappear, the ones about hurting myself.
“Scars…”
Please…
“Abuse…”
Stop.
“You…want to leave?”
Yes.
Her breathing changes and the sketchbook almost falls out of her hands. “I was right here,” she whispers. “I was right here and I didn’t know…” I take a step toward her, fighting my own tears, fighting the shame that’s drowning me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I stare at the floor then back at her and I smile, hoping she’ll understand that she was one of the few reasons I kept surviving all these years. “If I said it out loud, it would become real.”
She wipes her face again, leaving the sketchbook on the desk and walks toward me with her arms open, ready to hug me. And I let her. She needs it as much as I do.
“It was already real, Mireya,” she whispers against my hair. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For not knowing.” She squeezes me tighter, and her tears slow down. “We’re going to talk about this once you’re ready.” A small broken laugh escapes me as she continues, “Just you and me. We’ll go somewhere, get something to eat and you can tell me whatever you want to tell me.”
I nod as a singular and lonely tear finally falls from my eyes.
“You don’t have to do it all at once,” she whispers.
Hayzel knows now, really knows. And somehow, she was still holding me tight against her like I was worth the pain.