Chapter Nine
Simon
I launched myself off the couch. “WHAT?”
“Simon.” Tony sat forward, and I quickly moved away from him.
“You don’t believe that, do you?”
Tony narrowed his eyes at me. “Of course I don’t fucking believe that. And neither does Judge Markham. But this is why I’m not out, Simon. This is why I keep my sex life private. Because of fucking homophobic assholes who want to turn love into something twisted.”
That was the closest Tony had ever come to calling what we shared love.
I had it easy growing up. Well, I wouldn’t call it easy exactly, but my parents and most of my town accepted me for who I was.
Sure, I had been bullied as a kid. Everyone was.
I was the subject of teasing and being called things like faggot and sissy, and twink.
But my dad taught me early on how to defend myself.
It had only taken beating up the school bully once in sixth grade for kids to leave me alone. I still heard the slurs, but no one laid a hand on me. And I had friends who had my back. The acceptance I lived with far outshined the rejection.
No one had ever accused me of being in love with my sister, though. That was a new one that had never crossed my mind.
“Simon.”
Tony wrapped his arms around me from behind. I hadn’t heard him stand up or move across the room. Too caught up in emotions I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
I was suddenly that twelve-year-old boy who was being teased for looking at the other boys in the locker room. The fifteen-year-old boy who was teased for being one of the girls.
Tony kissed the side of my neck, and I felt my body relax against him. I grabbed his arms, which were crossed over my chest, and held on like I were drowning and he was my life raft.
“We’ll figure this out, Simon. I won’t let you go to jail.” He kissed my neck again and moved his hand down over my abs to the waistband of my pants. He quickly unbuttoned them and as he grasped my cock, he whispered, “Tell me where Sadie is.”
My body stiffened, and I wrenched out of his arms. Turning to glare at him, I quickly did up my pants. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I yelled. “God, you’re such an asshole.”
“Simon,” Tony sighed as I turned away from him. He reached out to grab my arm, and I shrugged him off.
“Don’t fucking touch me.”
I walked down the hall into my bedroom and slammed the door, locking it. I sank down on the edge of the bed and let the tears fall.
Why did I keep doing this to myself?
Why did I have to fall in love with someone who would never love me back? At least not openly.
I needed to accept that all I would ever be was his dirty secret. Mo leannán rúnda. He would never claim me, not in front of his club. Not in front of the town. I would never be a part of his life in the open. I couldn’t live that way anymore. I refused to.
I looked up at the knock on my door. “Simon, open the door.” I stared at it, not saying a word.
I heard a thump, and I knew he had dropped his head against the door. His words sounded sincere, but they always did. Tony was very good at getting what he wanted by giving me what I wanted.
I lay down on my bed and rolled over, my back to the door. I grabbed a pillow and held it tight against me, letting myself cry. Letting myself grieve what I should have realized years ago. There was no future with Tony.
I might not have a future at all.
If Rosalind Winthrop had her way, I would be tried and convicted of murder. Sent to jail for the rest of my life where men would use me the same way Tony had been using me for years.
I’d wasted the last six years of my life on a man who would never come out. A man who only thought about his own needs, his own wants. His own life.
I was young and stupid. Only twenty-two years old when I met Tony. I thought I was in love. No, I was in love. That was why this hurt so much. I’d spent so many years giving my body and heart and soul to a man who would never give me anything back but orgasms.
The orgasms were great, and no one had ever made me come the way he did, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. I wanted more. I wanted to get married. I wanted a family. Tony wasn’t willing to give me that.
I was in a relationship just as toxic as Sadie’s. Only, I’d ignored the red flags, just the way Sadie had. And I’d been doing it longer.
Sadie was free.
Her abuser was dead.
Mine was outside my bedroom door, pleading with me to let him in.
Alan abused Sadie physically for over a year.
But Tony had been abusing me emotionally for a lot longer than that.
I had no one to blame but myself though.
I’d allowed him to treat me this way. Allowed him to keep me as his dirty little secret.
He’d never promised me anything more than what he gave me. I was the one who stupidly believed he loved me. Believed that one day, he would claim me and be proud to hold me in his arms in front of everyone.
I told myself that he loved me. That he wanted more than just sex from me. I was the one lying to myself. He’d been nothing but honest. He’d been telling me for years he would never come out. And I chose not to believe him.
Tony hadn’t abused me; my stupid romantic heart had done that. My stupid brain had allowed me to fall in love with a man who didn’t love me.
I closed my eyes against the tears, against the heartache. Against the man who was pleading with me to open the door. I closed everything out but my sister.
I needed her at the forefront of my mind. I was doing this for her. To save her. To protect her, because that was what big brothers did. I took a few deep breaths, ignoring the pounding on my door, and let myself retreat into the abyss of sleep.
I woke up and couldn’t move. It took me a few moments to realize the reason why. All at once, I felt his warm breath on my neck, his heavy arm across my waist, and his hard body against my back. Not to mention the hard dick nestled against my ass.
I closed my eyes and let myself revel in the feel of him for just a moment before I tried to wiggle myself out.
“Where are you going?” Tony grumbled, pulling me tighter against him.
“How did you get in here?” I asked, trying to make my voice sound angry. It wasn’t easy. Because all I wanted was to turn around and burrow myself against his chest.
We’d never slept together in the same bed. We’d only ever been with one another at the club. I closed my eyes at the revelation that I wasn’t even worthy of being taken to a hotel.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“I’m a biker, Simon. You think a locked door is going to keep me out?”
“Let go of me, Tony.”
Tony sighed heavily against my neck, but he didn’t let go. “I’m sorry, Simon. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I don’t believe you, Tony. I think you knew exactly what you were doing. You’ve done it before.”
His arm loosened as he leaned up behind me. I took advantage and shimmied my way off the bed.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked, having no trouble at all in making his voice sound angry.
I shook my head and walked to the bathroom. Tony jumped up and grabbed my arm, stopping me from getting away. “What are you talking about, Simon?”
I huffed out a breath, having no trouble at all showing my frustration at the man who drove me crazy.
“Any time you aren’t getting your way, you use sex to make me compliant.”
His mouth dropped open, and he sputtered, “I-I don’t fucking do that.”
“Last month, when we were at the club. I wanted to leave; I wanted to go somewhere where it was just you and me. What did you do, Tony?”
His brow furrowed, and he dropped his hand from my arm as he thought back. “I didn’t do anything you didn’t fucking want, Simon.”
“No, you didn’t. Except distract me with sex so you got your way. You do it all the time, and I didn’t realize it until you did it again last night, when you wanted information about Sadie. You thought you could seduce me into giving you what you wanted.”
“That wasn’t what I was fucking doing,” Tony insisted.
“I locked my bedroom door because I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to talk to you. Because I knew I would give in, like I always do. And what did you do, Tony?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You broke into my room and crawled into my bed,” I shouted, throwing my hands up in frustration.
“Do you even realize that was the first time we ever slept together?” His brow furrowed again and when he opened his mouth, I cut him off.
“Actually slept, Tony. In the same bed. Six years you’ve been fucking me.
And not once have I ever fallen asleep in your arms. Not once have I ever woken up in your arms until this morning, when I didn’t want you there. ”
He stared at me, and I saw his face change before my eyes. He was angry. No, he was furious. I wasn’t afraid of him. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. Not physically, anyway. He’d been hurting me emotionally for years, and I’d finally had enough.
“I’m taking a shower. When I lock the fucking door, it means stay the fuck away from me.”
I left him in my room and slammed the bathroom door, making sure he heard the lock click. I braced my hands against the sink, my head hanging between my shoulders.
Once again, the tears came. This time they were angry. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and shook my head.
“You can do this, Simon,” I whispered to the broken man who looked back at me. “You can walk away. You can get your dignity back and find someone who wants to build a life with you.”
I reached in and turned on the shower. I undressed while I waited for it to warm up. Then I stepped in and let the water wash over me. Letting go of the tension, the stress, everything that had been weighing me down for the past few days.
My sister was free. I didn’t know where she was, and I didn’t want to know. As long as she was free, I could endure anything. As long as she was safe, I could persevere.
Those were the lies I told myself as I cried in the shower. Along with the lies about letting Tony go and finding my way without him. Because I knew, even if I had the strength to let him go, there would never be anyone else.
Tony was my heart and my soul. I just wished he saw me the same way.
I wanted the same thing everyone else wanted.
To be loved. To be cherished. I wanted someone to be proud to hold me in their arms. Someone who, no matter who was in the room, would make it clear to everyone that I belonged to them.
I would never have that with Tony, so it was time to let him go.