Chapter 24
Loreena
“I have something for you.” Maverick’s shy smile and the tremble in his hand as he passes me a sealed white envelope sets my heart fluttering.
Just thinking about him causes my heart to soar, my blood to hum, my heart to thrum wildly.
Sharing the same space? It’s a gift, a pleasure, and the greatest honor that I’ve known.
We’ve taken things slowly physically, but it’s not for lack of want.
We’ve just enjoyed the intimacy of slowly exploring and getting to know each other’s bodies, and really, getting reacquainted with ourselves. It’s been a safe place, but I’m ready.
We were cuddling on the bed together downstairs, listening to a podcast on overcoming fear.
It sounds cheesy, but we’ve found one that’s been so helpful.
We could both talk to Lockwood, but we have so many great resources that feel like they speak right to us, and we have each other.
Maverick slipped something out of his pocket.
The letter.
“I’m going to go upstairs and make a smoothie for us.”
I did say that I’ve been craving one, and Maverick bought all the stuff for it after work. I know that he’s going up there to give me a few minutes alone with it.
I sit up, my back to the headboard, and clutch the letter to my chest. “Okay.”
“I’ll bring down some tuna for the cats too. Not a lot. Just a little. I bought these new packets for them.”
“You’re such a great cat dad.”
You’re a great everything.
I know that he knows. He gives me that shy, secret smile that he saves for me. I remember how I used to think that of all the people in the world, he saw me best. I still think so. That first instinct has never faded.
“Strawberry banana?”
“Anything, just as long as the tuna packet doesn’t end up getting mixed in it.”
He grins. “I’ll do my best.”
I blow him a kiss and he actually freaking catches it. This man. I know that I’ll always be able to love him more. I’ll grow and fall more in love with him every single day. My heart just feels so impossibly full already.
After Maverick heads upstairs, I slip my thumb under the corner of the envelope’s flap and edge it open.
My heart pounds so loud that it practically rings in my ears.
It’s the first letter I ever sent. The date is up there on the top line.
I only wrote on one side of the paper, worried for some reason that if it was double sided, the prison would reject it.
I was so scared that I’d do something that would get me barred from the program before I’d ever been able to reach out to anyone.
I had this feeling. I was compelled to write.
I was so sure that it was the correct path.
I wasn’t wrong.
I turn the sheet of paper over because I can see the writing through it.
On the other side, Maverick put today’s date. His writing, blocky but small—writing I’d recognize anywhere—flows right off the page, straight to the living, breathing organ thundering in my chest.
Loreena.
I was a lost, hopeless, broken thing when I first got this letter.
I can’t say that I was even a person. More like a wild animal, locked away in a cage.
I thought that the system took the best parts of me and broke them.
It’s a place devoid of goodness, of sanity, of reason, of the sun and the stars in turn.
I thought I had no choice. That my free will had been stripped from me and that I’d spend ten years that way.
Your letters humanized me. They slowly healed every part of me, even the ones that I hadn’t realized were so broken.
When I had no real pulse or soul or consciousness of my own, the heart of your words cut through me.
Your writing burrowed under my skin, cracked my ribs, and breathed life back into me.
You’ve given me breath, hope, wisdom, and a reason to get up and face each day.
I know that I’ve already told you this, but you’re the most inspiring woman I’ve ever met.
My mom would have loved you, and if she’s out there, I know that she’s looking down on us with a smile.
If not, and there’s nothing that comes after this, then I’ll carry her memory within me, always alive.
I had no idea how to fulfill my promise to her.
You showed me how to change the world. It’s not some grand act that saves a nation.
It’s not an invention that keeps the planet from being destroyed.
It’s not a political system that fixes all the ills in the world.
It’s not curing the incurable. It’s not me trying to eliminate all crime, singlehandedly.
All of those things would be nice, and I would love to do that, but you’ve shown me that changing the world happens from a single step, with a single touch, a word, one small gesture of kindness.
Changing the world means forgiving. It means changing yourself.
It means extending a soft heart and a kind soul to those who need it most, not because it’s easy, but because it’s the right thing to do.
I don’t know if anything has a purpose behind it, if there’s something greater than all of this, or if the universe has any order, but whether it does or doesn’t, I know we were made to end up here.
There’s no other place in this universe, or any of the ones that might come after, that I would rather be.
I started to fall in love with you from this date of this first letter.
I promise to keep falling.
Forever, and if we’re lucky enough, far beyond.
Maverick
I know why Maverick gave me a moment alone with this. It’s so I can gather myself and not be a hot mess by the time he comes back, sniffling and crying unabashedly, although I know he’d be right here for me if I wanted him to be.
I’m sniffling so loudly that the cats raise their heads from their new cat bed on the couch. It’s a big cow shaped into a circle. They’ve loved it from the second Maverick bought it for them.
I smile through the tears and set the letter aside because I don’t want to ruin it. The cats are staring at me and I wipe my eyes on the back of my hand.
“It’s okay. I’m just happy ugly crying.”
Pumpkin lets out a massive yawn, but his yellow orange eyes stay fixed on me, at least until Sprite shifts and starts punching biscuits in the side of the bed. Pumpkin follows her lead, repositioning and tucking tight to her in their little cat cluster.
I fold the letter back up, slip it into its envelope, and set it on the side table.
I haven’t heard the blender start up yet.
I fling myself off of the bed and race upstairs, taking them two at a time.
It’s dangerous, because the treads are so close together and they’re bald wood, but I don’t care.
I throw open the door, arc in a skidding circle, and race into the kitchen.
Maverick has all the ingredients out on the counter, but he hasn’t put anything into the blender yet.
My heart is racing even harder now. I’ve been keeping up with yoga and breathing exercises, but clearly, my cardio needs improvement.
Or maybe I’m just breathless at the sight of this man.
So tall and solid, a god in jeans and a t-shirt, muscles popping and bulging even though he’s not doing anything other than standing there.
Existing. His scent wraps around me, masculine and so completely him.
I remember every second of him in my space, larger than life, standing in my apartment’s tiny kitchen.
I remember how much it hurt to try and chase him away.
I thought I’d succeeded.
I thought I’d never see him again.
I thought that he’d be far better off.
I’m so glad that I was wrong about all of it.
I can’t imagine a life without him in it. I never truly could.
I have a thousand words for him, but what comes out is the most practical, and that makes it seem totally absurd. “I don’t actually want a smoothie anymore.”
I run across the kitchen and throw my arms around Maverick’s neck.
He catches me, drawing me into him, buffering me so that our bodies crush together instead of slamming painfully.
My hard nipples crush against his solid chest, and a thousand fireworks explode on the inside.
His arms drape around me like they were made to do exactly that.
His fingers splay over my hip, cupping my ass through my leggings.
They’re so thin that the heat of him melts into me immediately.
His hard cock is trapped between us, throbbing in his jeans.
I’ve had him in my hands, my mouth, pressed against me. I’ve watched him jack himself more than once, spraying hot jets of his come over me, marking me, owning me. I’ve been naked with him, every inch of our bodies pressed together, but I haven’t taken him inside of me.
I tilt my chin up to stare directly into his bottomless, dark eyes. “Love me,” I whisper.
He bows his head in response, a nod. His stubble scrapes over my jaw as he nuzzles my face.
His erection throbs against my belly. Something new blooms deep inside of me.
An urgency like I’ve never known. I thought I knew what want was, what desire was, especially where this man was concerned, but I had no idea.
I’m desperate enough to claw out of my own skin just to be under his.
The last thing I thought I’d ever want was to know what it meant to be conquered. That was such a frightening concept, giving up control completely. Maverick knew that far before I did. He has never pushed me once to give him something that I felt that I couldn’t.
I want to be completely undone. I want to be at his mercy, owned, unequivocally and entirely his.