CHAPTER 11
L ogan had slept for ten uninterrupted hours, and it had actually been good sleep as opposed to the restless nights she usually had. She had woken up starving and had checked the fridge to find not much there, but instead of going grocery shopping, she’d texted Ava before she remembered that Ava had only just told her that she needed some time. Logan had then messaged again, telling Ava that she’d just woken up and had forgotten, but shortly after, Ava had messaged that she was okay and that they could grab brunch today instead.
Logan was now sitting at the café they usually went to, waiting for Ava to show up. She had ordered herself a cup of coffee but hadn’t ordered anything for Ava because she didn’t want it to get cold. She hoped Ava hadn’t decided against the in-person meeting because she was late, which gave Logan pause about this whole thing. When she picked up her phone to text Ava that it was okay if she didn’t think she could make it, Ava walked through the door.
“Sorry,” she told Logan when she arrived at the table in the back corner. “I got caught up in the second line. Couldn’t cross the street until it passed.”
“It’s okay. I thought you might not be coming.”
“I said I would.”
“I know. But given what happened and you saying you needed time, I thought you’d reconsidered.”
Ava then sat down across from her and said, “I’m here, Logan.”
“You’re still mad?”
“I’m not mad because you did something I didn’t want you to do, Logan. You didn’t. You were right: I was turned on. And you were there, hot as always, and we were always good at that part. I can’t lie; I wanted it.”
“You’re mad because you did it while you were seeing someone?”
“That’s part of it,” Ava said. “I guess I’m mad because I let it happen, and I shouldn’t have.”
“I am sorry. For what it’s worth, I shouldn’t have put us in that situation. It was just so easy for me to go back to how it used to be with us.”
“ Used to be,” Ava replied. “We broke up for a reason.”
“I know,” Logan said.
“That reason wasn’t our sex life. Our sex life might have kept me hanging on for another month or two there at the end.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You know it was good,” Ava replied with a smile. “But it was more that I couldn’t imagine going back to us being friends after having done that with you. I thought if we broke up, it would be too awkward, and I’d never be able to look at you as just a friend again, and I’d lose you.”
“You did for a while,” Logan pointed out.
“But not because of sex, Logan. You stole three hundred dollars from my emergency cash stash and went to a casino.”
Logan looked down at the paper place mat in front of herself and nodded. She could still picture that exact moment, and she hated herself for it.
“I ended things because you had a gambling problem, and you weren’t ready or willing to get help,” Ava added.
“Yeah, I know,” she said.
“And when you got clean and started to get that help, we stumbled back into a friendship.”
“I want our friendship, Ava. It’s important to me. You are important to me. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to really make it up to you because of what it cost us, but I am sorry.”
“Why did you do it? I mean, I know why I did: you’ve always been like a drug to me when it comes to sex. Even when I wasn’t remotely in the mood, you’d come out of the shower, all naked and glistening, and I’d be right there, ready for it.”
Logan laughed a little and said, “I don’t know. You were there, and I could tell you were thinking about it.”
“And that’s really it? You decided to do that because you thought I wanted it?”
“You did want it, right?” Logan checked, suddenly very worried. “You said–”
“Yes, I did,” Ava replied. “I told you. And that’s part of the problem, too: I wanted you to do that. If logic wouldn’t have prevailed, Logan, I know we would’ve done a lot more than that. Hell, I would’ve let you take me all over your apartment. That would’ve been wrong, though.”
“Did you tell the woman you’re seeing?”
“Not yet. I’m going to do that in person.”
“Will you be in trouble?” Logan asked.
“We’re not exclusive, so we’re allowed to be with other people. We just have to be honest and safe about it.”
“Oh,” Logan let out, and that worry returned.
“And I’m guessing you haven’t exactly been the safest in your recent encounters,” Ava said, apparently realizing it at the same time.
“Not exactly, no,” she replied with a wince.
“Shit, Logan. You haven’t been tested?”
“Not in the past month or so.”
“How many women have you been with since then?”
Logan didn’t know the answer to that question.
“After lunch, we’re going to the clinic, and we’re both getting tested,” Ava stated. “I swear to God, Logan, if you gave me something, I will kill you.”
“They don’t touch me,” she said.
“What?”
“The women I’m with; it’s not much safer, but I don’t let them touch me.”
“Do you go down on them with the same mouth you touched me with?”
“A few,” Logan replied honestly, wishing she had a different answer for her.
“Then, we’re definitely getting tested after this, and you either need to stop this shit or get tested after every woman, Logan. You’re playing roulette with–” Ava stopped and met Logan’s eyes. “You’re gambling.”
“What? No, I’m not. I haven’t gambled since–”
“Not like that, Logan; not just gambling with money. You’re gambling with your life now.”
“It’s not–”
“You’ve just replaced gambling with sex, haven’t you?”
“No, I just like sex,” Logan said.
“They don’t touch you.”
“I touch them, and they like it. I get off on that. Making a woman come is not the easiest thing in the world for most people, but I’m very good at it. It’s about the only thing I am good at, and I like to do it a lot. It helps take the edge off.”
“The edge off the fact that you can’t gamble anymore?”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s a distraction when I can’t sleep or have nothing else to do. And the women want it, Ava. They ask or message me . It’s not like I’m out there being creepy or demanding or something.”
“And this is what you want for yourself? Fucking random women all the time, and no one ever–” Ava paused and asked, “How long has it been since someone has… touched you?”
“A while,” she said, looking toward the waitress who was busy with other tables and had yet to come over to take their order now that Ava was here.
“You liked it when I touched you…”
“Of course, I did,” Logan said, looking back at Ava to assure her.
“So, it’s not that you don’t like being touched. What is it, then?”
Logan sighed and said, “It’s not like I deserve it, Ava.”
“What?”
“Look at me; look at what I’ve done to the people I supposedly love and care about. I took money from you. I ruined my dad’s business and legacy. I’ve lost jobs, and I’ve stolen from others, all for some temporary high that I needed to find as often as I possibly could. I didn’t care, Ava. When I took that money from you, I didn’t care that you’d been saving it for a rainy day or an emergency. I almost took it all. I had all of that money in my hand, and I nearly took every single dollar of it, but something told me to at least leave a little.”
“Well, that matters. That means–”
“Not for you,” Logan interrupted. “Ava, I didn’t leave it for you. I put your coffee can filled with cash back under your kitchen sink because I thought it could be something I could come back to. You would keep adding money to it, and I could take a little at a time. You wouldn’t have even noticed had your car not crapped out on you and you needed that money for repairs. I was going to keep stealing from you until it was all gone because I needed to feed my habit. I loved you, and that was what I did to show it. I took your money, and I would’ve continued to do it if you hadn’t found out.”
Ava didn’t say anything for a minute, but she nodded slowly in understanding.
“So, you don’t think you deserve forgiveness?”
“I’m not working the steps here, Ava. I’m just talking to my ex-girlfriend.”
“Well, you should be, and you know that,” Ava replied. “But I do forgive you, Logan. You’ve apologized to me, and you meant it. You’ve paid me back, and with interest I didn’t ask for. You know you messed up, and you’re sorry. Right?”
“Yes. But that doesn’t change anything.”
“It does, Logan. It does. Plenty of people never take accountability for their mistakes. They never apologize. They move on and never think about the people they’ve hurt. But when you stopped gambling, you realized what you’d done, and you’ve been trying to make amends ever since. You might not be following the steps, but you are trying. You’ve been making payments to your parents. You’ve gotten a new job to get yourself back on track. And you drive past that casino every day, don’t you?” When Logan just nodded in response, Ava continued, “And you don’t go in. Hell, the world is literally at our fingertips now.” She pointed to Logan’s phone on the table. “You could download about a hundred different apps right now and bet on sports, play poker how you used to, or even bingo, and you could get that same high you used to, but you don’t. You’re trying, Logan. That’s the best any of us can really do.”
The waitress walked over to their table just in time as Logan had to look away from Ava because hearing that was too much for her to handle or process at the moment. Ava got herself a coffee and asked for a refill for Logan. Then, she ordered pancakes and bacon, too, and Logan ordered the same because it was easier.
“I’m going to end things with the woman I’ve been seeing,” Ava told her when the waitress left.
“What? Why? Because of me? What I did?”
“Logan, we did that. I didn’t stop you,” Ava reminded her. “I wanted it to work out with her, but I can’t stop thinking about how easy it was for me to be with you. I know she and I aren’t exclusive, but I want something real, and I want one person. I shouldn’t want to be sleeping with you when she’s coming to town soon or I’m going to visit her. Yes, I was horny, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve said no because I have someone worth waiting for, and I’m not so sure that’s her anymore.”
“God, I’m sorry, Ava. I fucked up again.”
“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t fuck up. It’s not on you that we did that when I told you that I wanted it. It’s better to know with her now, right? One of us would’ve had to move, and had it ended then, it would’ve been harder. I’m more worried about you than me right now, anyway.”
“I’m fine,” Logan told her with a shoulder shrug. “I’m working. I’m making decent money.”
“You’re replacing gambling with sex. If you honestly tell me right now that all you want in the world is casual sex with a new woman every night because that would genuinely make you the happiest Logan Luna you could ever be, I will drop it. I’ll still take your ass to the clinic to get you a frequent flyer card, if they have those, but I’ll leave you alone about it. I’m guessing that’s not the case, though, is it?”
The waitress arrived with Ava’s coffee and refilled Logan’s before she walked over to another table without saying a word.
“No,” Logan answered. “But I need the distraction. It helps take my mind off of gambling.”
“Well, that’s an easy solve, then. We just need to find you another distraction that’s not random, unsafe sex.”
“It won’t work. I mean, making a woman come is about the best distraction there is. I’m not sure what else would keep me interested or occupied for long enough.”
“Well, a meeting might help,” Ava suggested.
“I can’t just sit in meetings all day.”
“No, but you can still sit in them whenever you need to, sleep, hang out with me, and go to work.”
“You won’t let me go down on you anymore, though, will you?” Logan asked, only half-teasing.
Ava laughed and said, “No. We’re done with that.”
“Yeah, I know.” Logan shook her head.
“What did you do last night? Sleep with someone?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Last night, I was at work until about close.”
“But that’s early for you. Did you drive?”
“No, I went home and fell asleep, actually.”
“Okay. Do you do that often?”
“No. Never.”
“What was different about last night then?” Ava asked.
Logan thought back to the night before.
“Well, technically, I almost hooked up with someone.”
“Almost?”
“She has a husband.”
“Logan…”
“I know,” Logan said. “She told me after I fucked her the first time. Yes, I shouldn’t have offered to do that again after I knew, but that’s her business. We left the bar together, and I thought we’d fuck in my car again, but–”
“Logan, you had sex in your car? People ride back there.”
“It wasn’t messy or anything.”
Ava laughed before she took a drink of her coffee.
“Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood anymore and told her I didn’t want to.”
“What got you out of the mood?”
“I don’t know. She’s got a kid, too, and I was thinking about her husband at home with the kid while I was busy with her in the car, and it just took me out of it. I went back into the bar and hung out with Rory for a while.”
“Is that the new boss?”
“No, that’s Candace. Rory is her friend. She helps out sometimes and studies there when it’s dead.”
“And you hung out with her but didn’t try to sleep with her?”
“Yes, I am capable of that.” Logan laughed.
“Are you? We were supposed to hang out the other day, and your head ended up between my legs,” Ava joked.
Logan laughed again and said, “I didn’t hear you complaining.”
“God. I didn’t, did I?” Ava asked herself. “Anyway, do you like her?”
“She’s sweet,” Logan replied with a single shrug of the shoulder. “She’s in graduate school, is a part-time nanny, and she also works at the bar when Candace needs help. I get the impression she’s an all-around do-gooder.”
“Maybe that’s what you need,” Ava suggested just as the waitress arrived with their food.
“A do-gooder?”
“Someone who you don’t sleep with,” Ava said after the waitress left them alone.
“Well, I have you now that we’re not doing that again.”
“ We ’re not dating.”
“You want me to date Rory?”
“I wasn’t thinking about her, specifically, but maybe you need to date, Logan. Go on an actual date with a woman who didn’t message you in an app, looking to get laid. Go out on a date without thinking about the fact that you’ll be at her place in an hour or in the back seat of your car, apparently. Take sex out of the equation.”
“Yeah… For me, that would be a friendship,” Logan said as she cut into her pancakes.
“Only in the beginning. Find someone who wants to build something with you.”
“That sounds like a lot,” she replied.
“Logan, love can be the best kind of distraction.”
“Love? You said go on a date.”
“Yes, go on a date with someone real, not someone who just wants you to get them off.”
“Maybe I’ll just eat my pancakes, and we can talk about going to see a movie or something.”
Ava laughed and said, “No movie. Clinic.”
Logan had forgotten about that but nodded and said, “Are we okay?”
“We will be as long as I’m negative all around on those tests.”