Chapter 20 Antonia
Antonia
Sunday morning, I woke, got dressed, and made my way downstairs. No one was up yet, which was a little reprieve from everything.
As I stood at the kitchen window, I looked out over the backyard. There was a rickety fence that didn’t connect to anything else. Miri had planned to replace it and fence in the backyard so the kids could get a dog.
The backyard also had an old dilapidated chicken coop with no chickens, which had been given to Miri at some point.
She’d wanted to raise Rhode Island Reds so she’d always have fresh eggs and could offer some to her neighbors.
On one particular visit, Miri had taken me to a feed store to look at the chicks.
They were cute, but I wasn’t on board. I had never given much thought to having pets.
My hours didn’t really allow for it, and I lived in a penthouse where the outside access was the harbor.
Now, I could visualize some chickens running around out there, picking up bugs and worms from the ground.
Having them might be a learning experience for Nova.
She could join 4-H and maybe find some solace in having something to do.
I had already decided I would sign her up for dance or gymnastics—anything to give her something to look forward to.
“And a dog might comfort them,” I said into the empty kitchen.
I heard the creak of the stairs and turned to see who would be coming into the kitchen. Cutter appeared, looking worse for wear. His eyes were red, and he had so much luggage under them, he could’ve taken a trip around the world. My heart broke for him.
“Morning,” I said in a hushed tone, not wanting to wake Nova and Miri.
Cutter shuffled over to me and pulled me into his arms. He held me tightly. “I’m sorry.”
My arms wrapped around him, and we stayed like that for a long moment.
I didn’t want to let him go as a flood of memories surfaced from when he was a little boy, from his kindergarten graduation, when we went to Myrtle Beach and he found a shark tooth, to when I took him to work with me a couple of years back.
I didn’t know how Brendan couldn’t see how much this boy meant to me.
I’d never hidden my feelings for Miri and her children.
His attitude made zero sense to me, and I felt like his outburst about not wanting children had been his way of saying he didn’t want me.
Oddly, I was okay with it.
Cutter stepped back and pressed his fingers into his eyes. He sniffed hard and then let out a low groan. “I hate crying.”
“It’s supposed to be cathartic, but yeah, I’m with you there. I think there’s a permanent tearstain on my pillow.”
“Can you promise me something?”
“Promises are something I’m very good at,” I told him as I leaned against the counter. “What’s up?”
“If the doctor tells her she’s out of time, you’ll let us know, right? So we can be with her as much as possible?”
My heart twisted, and I felt like I’d been punched in the gut by a heavyweight boxer. I nodded, unable to find my voice.
“Thanks.” He turned and started walking out of the kitchen.
“Are you going back to bed?”
“Nah, I thought I’d walk over to the school and shoot some hoops. I’d do it outside, but I don’t want to wake my mom.”
“Do you mind if I go with you?”
“I don’t mind.”
“Great. Go get dressed. We’ll leave in five. I’ll drive us over, and then we’ll stop and get everyone breakfast on the way back.”
Cutter nodded and stepped out of the kitchen, only to return right away. “I’m glad it’s you.”
“What do you mean?”
“That Nova and I will live with. I’m glad it’s you because we’ll be together, and you know us. I was worried we’d have to go into foster care.”
I gave him a soft smile. “I’d never let that happen, and neither would Grandma or Grandpa. If it’s not going to be me, it’ll be them. You’ll be with family.”
Cutter smiled and left again. I waited until he was upstairs before I turned on the water to drown out the onslaught of emotions coming from me.
Dealing with my own grief would be hard enough, but dealing with Cutter’s and Nova’s was going to be unbearable. The three of us were going to need an outlet—one as a family and then an activity of our own.
When I heard Cutter coming down the stairs, I grabbed my purse and met him at the door. I put on my parka and saw that he was wearing a sweatshirt. I figured he’d work up a sweat and wouldn’t need a coat since we were driving over.
“Crap, I forgot to start my car,” I said as we got outside. Thankfully, the sun was shining, and the temperature felt halfway decent.
“Can I drive?”
My automatic response to his asking before had been no, but he needed to learn, and I was going to be the one to teach him.
“Have you driven your mom’s car at all?”
Cutter nodded. “Around town. Mostly to and from school.”
“All right.” I unlocked the doors, and Cutter got in, tossing his basketball into the back seat. I sat in the passenger seat and mentally ran through the basics.
“Press the brake and push the start button.”
He did as instructed after he’d put his seat belt on and then kindly reminded me to put mine on. Then he surprised me by checking and adjusting the mirrors and seat to accommodate his height.
I may not have taught him that, but I was proud and couldn’t hold back a smile.
Cutter backed out of the driveway slowly, using the rear reverse camera.
“Do you know if you’ll be allowed to have the camera on during your test?”
“I’m not sure,” he said. “I think Coach will know. I’ll ask him.”
“Okay.” At the mention of his coach, I thought about last night and how he’d brought a very distraught Cutter home. He was so protective of him, being his ally, which was exactly what I wanted Cutter to have. He needed to have someone, besides me, fighting for him.
At the end of the driveway, he pulled out onto the quiet road, put the car into drive, and slowly pressed the gas pedal. By the time the stop sign came into view, he was going over fifty in a posted thirty-five.
“Cutter, please slow down.”
“Oh crap,” he said as he looked at the speedometer. “I’m sorry, it didn’t feel like I was going that fast.”
“Yeah, this car has some go to it.”
He slowed and came to a full stop, then looked right and left. “I think I need to lighten up on the gas pedal.” Cutter looked a bit scared, and I welcomed it. It’d be best for him to put the fear of God in himself versus me being the bad guy.
“I think that would be a good idea.” I laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.
He moved forward until he had to turn to get to the main road. He stayed there longer than normal. I placed my hand on his forearm and gave him a reassuring squeeze.
“Is this your first time on the main road?”
“No, just lost in thought,” he said as he pulled onto the road.
“I do that often.”
“It’s easy to do these days.”
He wasn’t lying. My thoughts moved so fast I had a hard time keeping up.
There was minimal traffic on the road this early, which made a driving lesson a bit less stressful. Still, my anxiety spiked as we drove. I kept my head on a swivel, looking for potential issues he might not see.
“Do you know how to get to the school?”
He thought for a moment. “Uh . . .” A look of horror masked his face.
“Are you being serious with me?”
Cutter laughed. “Yes, I know how to get to school.”
A laugh bellowed from me. “When Grandpa taught me how to drive, I couldn’t even find my way home. I could give anyone directions to my house, school, or wherever, but when I was driving, I had no idea how to get anywhere.”
At the stoplight, Cutter scratched his head. “I think I turn at the next light?”
“The second light,” I told him, and then I realized he was pulling my leg again. I rolled my eyes and nudged his shoulder.
Cutter groaned. “Oh boy.”
Cutter managed to make it to the school and parked easily. I didn’t understand why Miri wasn’t letting him drive more. We got out and walked toward the court.
“We should talk about yesterday,” I said when we reached the court.
“I said I’m sorry.”
“It’s not about being sorry. It’s about what you heard.”
Cutter took a shot, and I sent the ball back to him after it had gone through the net.
“I was thinking about that, and Flinn said something about me living with him until we graduate. I don’t want to leave Nova, but I also don’t want to go to boarding school.”
He shot and made another basket.
“I like Brendan, or I did, but now I’m not so sure.
I just wish . . .” Cutter bent over and caught his breath.
I went to him and put my hand on his back and waited for him to cope with his emotions.
He stood and wiped at his eyes. “My mom’s not going to be here anymore, and then you want to send me away. ” His words came out in hiccups.
“Come here.” I wrapped my arms around him. He rested his head on my shoulder and sobbed. This was the second time this morning he’d let his emotions flow. I was grateful for it. I didn’t want him holding things in and letting them fester.
“Listen,” I said as I leaned back so I could look at him.
I cupped his cheeks with my hands. “You’re not going to boarding school.
Not now. Not ever. The three of us will be together for a long time to come.
” I refrained from saying “forever.” Miri had promised them forever, and she wasn’t going to be able to keep her promise.
“Brendan was wrong. He spoke as if he knew what was best for you and your sister. Just because he went to one doesn’t mean they’re for everyone, and they’re definitely not for me.”
“I thought he liked us.”
“He does, Cutter. You and Nova. Me and him, we’re not on the same page when it comes to our futures, and I’m okay with that. I’m right where I want to be.”
“Are we going to live here?”
I sighed. “This, I don’t know yet. I promise you’ll stay here until the summer, and then we’ll figure things out. I have to figure out my job.”
“Brendan will never move here,” Cutter said. “He doesn’t like it much.”