Chapter 29 Antonia
Antonia
After dropping a capful of bubble bath into the filling claw-foot tub Miri had in her bathroom, I undressed and stared at my naked body in the mirror.
What I’d initiated with Weston was very out of character for me. I couldn’t recall the last time I had done something so brazen and reckless. It was one thing to be impulsive, to live in the moment, but to use a man I knew liked me for sex was something I never should’ve done.
Except, I enjoyed it and wished the circumstances had been different, because I couldn’t tell whether my heart was there with him or if it was my emotions getting the best of me.
Regardless, leading him on wasn’t an option.
Neither was forgetting.
We’d crossed a line, and it was going to define us moving forward. I knew we’d have to talk about it, because burying it under the rug and acting like it never happened wasn’t the way to live.
My fingers trailed down my neck, ghosting along the marks his stubble had left. I welcomed the sting that came with the roughness, showing me that I was truly alive in the moment and not lost in my grief.
The path of red skin continued over my collarbones and breasts, bringing the vision of him holding me, his head on my heart, while I took advantage of him. He’d let me use him, likely knowing my head wasn’t right.
“So get it right, Toni. Nothing is stopping you.”
Miri had created a little oasis for herself in her en suite bathroom. She’d painted the walls mauve, added white beadboard halfway up, and wallpapered one wall with pink, yellow, and blue flowers.
She had removed the stand-up shower and replaced it with a claw-foot tub she’d found online or at a resale store. My dad and brother had installed it while Miri put in new tiles.
This was where she’d come to relax at the end of the night. Where she’d soak away the bad and soak in the good.
Before I slipped into the aromatic water, I lit the candles in the corners, turned my music app on, and connected my phone to the speaker.
The hot, bubbly water danced over my skin.
I closed my eyes, rested against the cushion, and sighed heavily.
A nice bath at the end of the night was something I could easily get used to.
My penthouse had a stand-up, two-person shower, and my bathroom lacked life.
There was nothing romantic or even friendly about the space, unlike Miri’s.
Opening my eyes, I took in the room again. Of all my times in here, I’d never thought of the bathroom as romantic, but it was. This was where you and your lover spent time together, washing away the negativity of the day so you both went to bed with a clean heart and mind.
I closed my eyes again and imagined Brendan at the other end of the tub, but he wasn’t there because Brendan would never get into a bath. He would’ve balked and said soaking in a tub was a waste of time.
Weston was there, though, with his arms resting along the top of the white tub.
He had a devilish smile across his lips and his eyes on mine.
He’d put his heart on the line for me tonight when he didn’t have to.
He didn’t need to do most of the things he’d done since I arrived in town, but he’d done so because he was a good man.
“A good man who wants to spend time with you, knowing you now have two kids,” I said aloud.
“Because he likes you.” Miri’s words filtered through my mind.
I relaxed at the sound of her voice. My tears were instant, falling freely down my cheeks and into the water.
My already-broken heart chipped a bit more, knowing I’d never hear her talk to me again or see her smile.
How everything between us was nothing but a one-sided memory.
There had always been her version and mine, but now I’d only have ours—the way I remembered every moment of our life, friendship, sisterhood.
Promise me you’ll find love.
My eyes shot open. Those were the last words from her.
Miri always loved making me promise to do things for her and holding me accountable.
But this time was different. She wanted me to be happy and knew deep down that Brendan wasn’t the one to do that.
She could always see he was a temporary fixture in my life.
Looking back, I would’ve liked to see this as well because I probably wouldn’t have given him four years of my life.
My last words to her, the ones before she closed her eyes and waited for death to come, were “I promise I will.”
Yet another promise I’d made to her and wouldn’t be able to bring myself to break.
The ringtone on my phone shrilled, the sound echoing off the bathroom walls, startling me.
I reached for a hand towel to dry my hands and then for my phone.
Weston’s name appeared on my screen, and I froze.
This wasn’t a text message but a phone call.
He wanted to speak to me. My index finger hovered over the screen, waiting for me to make up my mind.
On what was surely the last grating sound, I finally swiped to answer. “Hello?”
“Hi, Antonia. It’s me, Weston.”
I smiled at the corniness and felt sort of giddy that he would introduce himself.
“Hey. What’s up?”
Weston sighed. “I didn’t want to go to bed without clearing the air.”
“Oh?”
“What happened with us tonight . . .” he started, and I felt my heart drop.
In the lack of afterglow, thanks to me moving away from him right away, I wanted to tell him that we shouldn’t have done that, but instead I’d told him we couldn’t do it again for a while because I wasn’t ready to shut the door on him yet.
Although I didn’t figure that out until after I’d said what I said.
Weston sighed again. “I know you’re going through the unthinkable right now, as well as having a recent breakup, but I wanted to be clear about how I feel.
Tonight, I should’ve walked away, but I couldn’t.
Mostly out of fear I would hurt you. Instead, I took a chance, knowing damn well the odds were not in my favor.
I like you, Antonia. A lot. And I don’t plan to stop or go away until you tell me to take a hike. ”
His words, while a bit all over the place, put a grin on my face and gave me a smidge of hope, longing, and desire, but I suspected that was a holdover from earlier.
“Weston, I like you, too, but my thoughts and feelings are jumbled right now. I can’t tell if the tears I want to cry now are because of Miri or because, while I should have regrets about what we did—”
“Antonia—”
“No, let me finish. I want to get this out while I have an ounce of courage in me. I don’t even know you, not really.
I thought I knew Brendan after four years, and I was completely wrong about who he was when things got tough.
You’ve stepped up when you didn’t have to.
I don’t have regrets about what we did, but at the same time, I don’t know if it’s because I’m broken or because I’m falling for you. ”
“Definitely the latter,” he said, laughing softly, trying to lighten the mood.
After a pause, he said, “You can trust that I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not Brendan. When things get tough, I don’t run.
I fix porches and drive kids to tournaments and sit in hospital waiting rooms. That’s who I am.
I’m not going to pressure you into anything.
That’s not the type of person I am. But I will be there, basking in your presence, because while you may not see it right now, being near you is the missing piece to my life. ”
Honest to goodness, that was probably the best compliment I’d ever received from a person, especially a man.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Antonia.
They’re my words, and I mean every single one.
From the moment I saw you, I knew you were going to be someone special in my life.
By my side was how I saw you, us standing next to each other as we blaze a path through this world, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that when I set my mind to something, I usually achieve it. ”
“You seem rather sure of yourself.”
Weston let out something that sounded like a cocky, self-assured chuckle.
“I’m sure of this,” he said. “The way we effortlessly connected. The way we fit together, how we didn’t fumble around each other. I’m patient. I’ll wait for you to catch up.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Then you don’t, and I’m still your friend. I’m still the guy who will come fix porches and drive kids to tournaments and sit in hospital waiting rooms, because that’s what friends do.”
“I definitely need friends.”
“You have them. Think about what I said. You’re not alone in this. Good night, Antonia. Thank you for a very memorable evening.”
“Thank you for mine,” I said and hung up before I could add anything more embarrassing.
I wasn’t used to having a man bare his feelings this way.
Brendan never told me he liked me without me asking if he did.
I told him I loved him first. We rarely compromised on anything.
The more I thought about him and our relationship, the more it became clearer that I’d been with him for the wrong reasons, and he’d been with me for . . . who the hell knew.
The water turned cold, and my thoughts never wavered from Weston and our moment together. I finally rinsed off, got out, and, once dressed, I snuck to the kids’ rooms to check on them.
At Nova’s room, I carefully turned the knob to open her door.
She lay in her bed, with my mom’s arms wrapped tightly around her.
The first couple of nights after Miri’s death, Nova had woken up screaming in the middle of the night.
While this sleeping situation worked for now, my mom would go home tomorrow.
Something told me Nova would end up crawling into my bed.
I walked to Cutter’s door, pressed my ear to it, and heard noises coming from his phone. A phone that wasn’t allowed in his room. I knocked softly, and the sound muted as I heard him say, “Come in.”
“Hey,” I said as I motioned toward the phone on his bed. “That’s not supposed to be in here.”
Cutter stood and handed me his phone. “Do you think we can revisit some of the rules we have in place?”
“Sure, with the understanding I may keep and alter them to my liking, and possibly add my own.”
He plopped against his bed. “Okay.”
“Can I come in?”
He lifted his head and looked at me, then sat up. “Yeah.”
I pushed the door toward the doorjamb but didn’t close it. Cutter’s desk faced the mural of a baseball field he and Miri had painted on his wall. I pulled out the chair that was tucked under it, removed the pile of clothing, and sat.
“How are you doing?”
He nodded and then shrugged. “I keep telling myself she’s on vacation, that she’s coming home, but then I remember, she’s not.”
“I know what you mean. I wanted to talk to you about your grandparents.”
“What’s wrong with Grandma and Grandpa?” Cutter’s eyebrows rose.
“My bad,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Kenneth and Victoria.”
Cutter rolled his eyes. “I don’t know why they showed up.”
“Me neither.” Except if I had to guess, it was because they wanted to save face with their friends. We tried, was what they’d go back and say to their church friends. “But they did, and they’d like to get to know you and Nova.”
“What if I don’t want to know them?”
“I’m going to say some adult crap that may or may not make sense, but it needs to be said because I don’t want how I feel or how your mom felt about them to influence your decisions.
If you don’t want to know them, then you don’t have to.
And if you do or if you want Nova to, then we do it on your terms, but I want you to think about it.
Right now, we’re raw. We’re broken, and we’re hurting.
Sometimes decisions like this, made when we’re feeling our worst, aren’t made with a full heart. ”
“What does that even mean?”
I don’t freaking know.
“It means, if at some point you or Nova decide you want to, you dictate the time, place, and how much of a relationship you want with them. If it’s nothing, then it’s nothing.
I will support you one hundred percent. If it’s something where you want them to come for lunch one day, so be it; we’ll have lunch.
” I leaned forward, closer to him. “What I’m saying is, you set the rules. ”
“Will they try and take Nova away from us?”
This, I didn’t know, but I suspected they might try.
“I hired a lawyer before your mom died. Her will states I’m the sole guardian of you and Nova.
No one can take you away from me, except the judge, and he’s going to see how much we love each other and rule in our favor. He may ask you some questions.”
“If he asks if your feet stink, I’m going to say yes.”
I lifted my foot and wiggled my toes.
Cutter batted my foot away and laughed. Damn, it sounded nice.
“Can he take us away?”
Cutter didn’t have to elaborate on who “he” was. I knew. I shook my head. “I’d move heaven and earth for you and Nova. Remember that. Get some sleep. Tomorrow, we’ll take it easy because on Monday, you’re playing in a very important game.”
“I think basketball is the only thing keeping my head straight.”
“Well, it’s a good thing baseball starts right away; otherwise, someone might have to knock your melon straight.”
“Har, har,” he said.
“Good night, Cutter,” I said when I got to the door. “I know I’m not your mom, and shit’s going to get rough at times, but never for a second doubt that I love you as if you were my own.” I pulled the door open and stepped into the hallway.
“Toni?”
“Yeah?” I peeked my head in.
“It hurts, knowing my mom is never coming back, but I’m thankful for you, because I couldn’t imagine losing my mom and ending up in foster care or with grandparents who never cared to know us. So, thank you for being our person.”
Words escaped me. I went back into his room and pulled him into my arms. Before I left, I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him, and then left before he could see me crying.
I closed Miri’s door for the night, not wanting to be in there without her, and made my way to the couch. I could’ve taken the guest room, but my parents were using it.
The last thought I had before I closed my eyes was about Weston and whether I’d see him in the morning for what had become our weekly walk to the Cozy Cup Café. I hoped I would.