15. Warning From My Demons – Brad
Leave it to my fucking ex, Gina, to ruin what is possibly the best date I’ve ever had. Fucking hell. I finally met someone who I think understands me as a person. Me. The fuck up who is just trying his fucking best to make good. To make up for what an absolute shitstorm of a person I used to be. And she just pops up out of fucking nowhere and derails everything.
I can see in Tess’s eyes that she doubts me now. I don’t blame her. I can’t blame her. My fucked-up reputation precedes me wherever I go. To be honest, I’m surprised we’ve gotten this far. Any sane person would have run away from me with their pants on fire.
But she’s still here. In front of me. Wanting to believe me. It’s plain as day that she wants to, but she’s holding herself back. And it’s killing me.
“I don’t know what words I could possibly say to convince you I’m no longer like that,” I start, as earnestly as I can. “But I’ll die trying to find them. I swear.”
“You don’t have to?—”
“Yes. Yes, I do.” Despite her words, I can tell she’s just being nice. Of course she is. She’s Tess. But I need to explain myself. It’s the only way to make this make sense to her. “This whole world is new to you, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty. It’s not glamorous. Sometimes it’s the most depraved and dark side of people that you can imagine, and some you don’t even want to picture. I’ve seen it. Hell, I even gave into it for a while. Too long.” I run a hand through my hair, reaching for my beer again for comfort as I talk.
“It’s easy to lose yourself, and who you are. It’s easy to stop being a fucking person and just let your demons run free because everyone else is doing the same fucking thing. You don’t see how messed up it is because you’re right in the thick of it. You think, ‘Well, this is how it is here,’ when it’s fucking not.”
Her demeanor softens, and her empathy flows around and through me.
This woman.
“But you’re not like that now. I can see that.”
“I like to think that, but I’m not perfect,” I finish off the beer, disappointed in myself. “It took my ex’s husband, Jude, sitting my ass down years ago to talk some sense into me for Charlie’s sake. I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t always stick.”
“You’re a great father. I’ve seen how you and Charlie are together.”
I scoff. “Far from it. I was just always on the road or wasted whenever I did see her. Never even asked about her life.”
Shame coils hot as flashes of Charlie”s sad little face blurred through intoxicated hazes pierce my heart for the millionth time. ”Missed a dance recital here, parent teacher conference there...the list is endless.”
My voice sounds hollow. Haunted. As it probably should. ”One birthday I was across the fucking country, but I promised her I”d make it back for her party.” Bile burns my throat reliving the next morning”s hungover realization I never even booked a fucking flight. Her crying eyes were red and swollen from tears when I FaceTimed with some shit excuse.
I meet Tess”s empathy filled gaze. ”I didn’t even book the fucking trip back. What kind of asshole does that? Just thinks some gift in the mail or a fucking phone call erases all those times you shatter their freaking world.”
I expel a harsh breath, regrets layering too deep to dive into completely tonight. But I need her to grasp the man I am, finally fighting his way free from his destructive roots.
She rubs my shoulder gently. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“Fuck. It’s not even close to what I deserve.” I meet her gaze, losing myself for a moment. “I was supposed to be the one convincing you I’m not an asshole, and somehow, you’re now trying to convince me. I am damaged fucking goods, Tess. Fuck. Not even goods, just damaged.”
“Well, I only know the Brad Chambers now. Not the Brad Chambers of the past, so I can’t exactly hold that against you.” Her voice is kind, and it makes me bristle. I really don’t deserve someone like her, and I fucking know it in my God damned soul.
“So, Gina didn’t totally scare you off?” I ask, half afraid of the answer. And for some fucked up reason, I let hope spark to life inside of me. “If I were you, I’d be running for the fucking hills by now.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and my heart skips as I hold my breath. If this is it, at least I was fucking honest.
“No.” She smiles, and it lights up the room. My whole world. “It will take a lot more than the likes of Gina to scare me off.”
I let out the breath, and lift her hand to kiss her palm, holding it to my cheek. Fucking hell, my heart is racing.
“Thank you.”
“So long as you’re honest with me, there isn’t much that could scare me.”
“You might be able to survive this industry after all.”
“Hey, I weathered and spun the sex scandal of Ohio’s most popular senator. I can handle some rockstar exes.” Her shoulders straighten with pride, and I can’t help but sense a little fear still lingering under her bravado.
Mentally I promise myself to never give her a reason to doubt me again. She may put on a good front, but I know that deep down she’s just like me, just like everyone else. We all have vulnerabilities and pain that we cover up for the sake of others.
I’ll do everything I can to protect that.