40. Like I Do – Brad
Ihad to do it. Didn’t I?
The only way to protect Tess, and even Charlie, is to keep them out of everything related to me. It’s why I keep Charlie out of the press. To keep the vultures from feeding on her life. It’s her life, not the public’s.
The same applies to Tess.
This way she can have a normal life, whatever that fucking means. She can keep her personal life private – with whoever she ends up with. Whoever can love her the way she deserves to be loved.
Whoever isn’t me.
When I get home, I collapse onto the couch, my body and mind numb. I’ve been so busy considering Tess and Charlie, that I haven’t even thought about myself in all this.
First, Sierra going completely off the rails and saying that we’re back together out of nowhere. Where the fuck did that come from? She never gave a single sign that she’d do something like that.
And then Gina – what the fuck is that even about? I didn’t take the time to even read that bullshit. I don’t have the mental bandwidth to even try to figure that out.
Gina’s always been one to play mind games. Hot one minute and cold the next. It was a rollercoaster I never wanted to be on, but there were moments that I thought made it worth the ride. Same with Sierra. There were glimmers of light that I thought outshone the dark times between us, but they were just flickers. Neither of them comes remotely close to how I feel when I’m with Tess.
Fuck, even when I’m not with her.
Even now, when I know I’ve just ended the best thing that ever happened to me, just the thought of her being happy – even with somebody else - fills me up with emotions I can’t put a name to. Yes, I’ve broken us apart, but I’ve also set her free. She’s free from this bullshit world of constant turmoil that surrounds me day and night.
She’s free of me.
Charlie’s sweet face fills my mind. She’s going to be devastated at what I’ve done. She won’t understand. Explaining to an eight-year-old that the world is a cruel place, and I’m just trying to protect those I care about isn’t going to make sense to her. Her world is still black and white. Nuance hasn’t made its way into her realm of possibilities, and it’s going to be a harsh wake up call.
I hate that this is going to hurt her too.
She’s going to hate me for a while, and I get it. I’ll be the bad guy. Someday she’ll come to realize that I did what I had to do. Hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later, but it is what it is. I’ll just have to deal with it.
So, how do I do that? How do I show up to rehearsal tomorrow with my heart frozen solid and my mind a runaway train? How do I concentrate on anything with Tess merely feet away from me? Probably hating me. Fuck, how do I ever see her again without wanting to take it all back? I don’t know if I can do it.
I turn on a playlist and grab a beer. It’s too fucking quiet in here, and I need to drown out my thoughts. I can’t get Tess’s sad eyes out of my head; the way she looked up at me when I told her it was over yanks at my soul and wants to tear it to shreds.
Was she considering ignoring the stories in the press? Was she believing me after I told her the truth? No. That’s wishful thinking on my part. She was probably just pissed that I ended it for good before she got a chance to say the words. I beat her to it.
No. Tess isn’t petty like that.
The beer is cold going down, but it does nothing to soothe the fire coursing through me. My anger at the world is becoming all-consuming.
Fuck it.
I guess it’s time for me to be an asshole again. Cycle back to my old defenses of not giving a shit about anything. Except Charlie. That doesn’t change. I protect me and mine at all costs.
The question is, what is that cost? Who pays the price for this? Me? Or Tess?
Me. It’s definitely me.