43. The Reason – Tess
It feels like I just closed my eyes when I’m awakened by loud knocks on the front door. Persistent knocks. And from the sounds of it, more than one person. My heart starts racing, thinking there’s some sort of emergency. Maybe a fire in the complex. My neighbor has cats, is my first scattered thought.
I scramble out of bed, barely avoiding stumbling into the closet door in the hallway in my haste. My mind starts racing, trying to conjure an inventory of my things, and what I’ll grab first if I get a chance to save anything.
After fumbling with the locks, I finally swing the door open and find Brad.
And Charlie.
What the hell?
“Hi, Tess. My dad wants to talk to you,” Charlie announces as she walks past me into the apartment, and parks herself on the couch, grabs the remote, and turns the TV on to cartoons. I watch this in amazement as she makes herself at home, kicking her shoes off, and curling her legs underneath her. She even grabs the throw blanket and snuggles into it, getting all sorts of comfortable.
“Hi, Charlie…” I mutter, still getting my bearings. My brain hasn’t switched off the idea that there’s a fire, and I’m in danger. And good thing. I’m very much in danger. Or am I still sleeping? Is this just a dream?
I pinch my arm to make sure I’m awake, and it hurts. Yup. This is real.
“You okay?” Brad asks, and I suddenly remember he’s here too. When I turn back to him, still in the doorway, he looks just as tired as I feel. Dark circles shadow his stormy eyes, and I want to reach up to wipe the tiredness away. But I know I can’t do that. Not anymore.
He’s not mine.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, sidestepping his question. He doesn’t get to ask how I’m doing.
I’m not his.
“I came to talk to you.” Beneath the exhaustion, I sense fear, and I wonder what on earth he could be afraid of. He hasn’t made a move to come in, and I haven’t moved either to allow him to. “Please, Tess. Let me make this right.”
Make this right? How does he think he can do that? He broke my heart and stomped on it right in front of me. There’s no way to fix that.
“He wants to tell you he’s sorry for being a jerk,” Charlie says from behind me, and when I glance back, she’s still glued to the TV, but obviously very aware of what’s happening.
“So, this is a tag team thing?” I ask Brad, planting a hand on my hip. If he’s using Charlie to get me back, that’s low, even for Brad. Especially after showing how protective he is over her.
“No, not at all,” Brad reassures. “But Charlie did set me straight on a few things. Which is why I’m here.” He rakes a hand through his hair and my fingers twitch with memory of how it felt to do the same thing. How soft the strands were sliding through my fingertips. “Can we talk?”
I study him closely, debating internally whether to see this through. I’ve barely had time to digest last night’s devastation personally and not just professionally. I’m not sure I’m ready for anything new. But something in his eyes makes me want to listen to whatever he has to say. A spark that always draws me in to him. It’s that cosmic magnetic pull between us that I could never deny.
And I can’t deny it now, either.
Without a word I step back, lowering my gaze slightly to invite him in. When he slides past me, his cologne follows, enveloping me in all things Brad. On top of the room still full of flowers, it’s a bit overwhelming.
Still silent, I lead Brad through the sliding door to a small square patio surrounded by a tall privacy fence. There’s barely room for two chairs and a rarely used gas grill, but it will do. We each take a seat, our knees almost touching. It’s only now I realize how disheveled I must look, having just jumped out of bed. Nervously, I try to fix my hair, and wipe under my eyes to clear any stray mascara. Not that any of it matters, but it makes me feel a little more awake.
Before I can completely pull myself together, Brad grabs my hands, forcing me to look right at him. The suddenness of it jolts me, and I can’t look away.
“I’m a selfish asshole,” he says, but then stops. Obviously searching for what else to say.
“This is me not arguing with you,” I say flatly. Despite my wretched state, I do have my full wits about me now at least.
His lip twitches like he wants to laugh, but he controls it, serious again. “I mean it. I thought I was doing the right thing last night, breaking things off. Protecting you from the bullshit of my past that always finds a way to haunt me. But I wasn’t protecting you. I was protecting myself.”
“I don’t understand. You broke up with me to protect me?”
He squeezes my fingers, pulling me a little closer. “That’s what I thought I was doing, but that’s not reality.”
“And what’s reality?”
He sighs and lowers his gaze to our hands. “The reality is that I was ashamed and full of guilt. For anything related to me to hurt you like that…I just couldn’t handle it. Not only did I not want to do that to you ever again, but I hate being the cause of it.”
“None of that was your fault…”
“Isn’t it, though?” He meets my eyes again, and the anguish there punches me in the gut. “I’m not a perfect person. I never have been. And shit like yesterday with Sierra and Gina is probably going to happen again. Hell, Tess, our first date was a fucking shitshow with Gina fucking showing up like that. I may not control any of it anymore, but I am certainly the cause of it. If it weren’t for me, and who I used to be, you wouldn’t have been so hurt yesterday.”
“Brad…”
“No, see, here’s the thing,” he looks away, focusing on something off in the distance. “Regardless of the circumstances of what happened, there was something in your mind that allowed you to believe the worst about me. Right?”
He shifts to look at me, and I squirm a little. He’s absolutely right. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I believed right away that he was the kind of person who would betray me. That’s on me.
Now it’s my turn to look away, but I force a nod, ashamed of myself to admit it. I did think the worst.
“I don’t blame you, Tess. Not even a little bit. If I were in your shoes, I would have believed it too. But see, I did that to myself. I have fucked up my reputation in such a way that I made it so fucking easy for you to believe it. That is what I’m ashamed of. And the guilt I have for the shitty life I’ve led, leading up to you, the one person I want to believe in me, was overwhelming. So, I pushed you out and ran away like a fucking coward.”
Tears sting and prick the back of my eyes. I can’t stand seeing him like this. “You’re not a coward.”
“Yes, I fucking am. And I’m sorry.” He pulls on my hands, forcing me to face him again. It hurts me deeply to see so much turmoil on his face. His whole body is tense with emotion. “I’m sorry, Tess. I truly am.”
“I’m sorry too,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Am I dreaming this right now? Am I still asleep? Are you real?” My hands slide out of his and reach for his face, my fingers dragging along the scruff on his chin.
He grabs onto my wrists, firmly planting me in reality as a grin spreads on his lips. I love that smile. The one that reaches his eyes when he’s truly happy. I want him to smile at me like that all the time.
“Yes. I’m real,” he chuckles, but then grows serious again, his voice husky, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. “Tell me you forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
“Tell me we’re not over.”
“We’re not over.”
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you.” I say it without thinking. It’s automatic. It’s true.
His brows raise in surprise at my admission, but the smile is back. “Good. Because I happen to love you too.”
My own smile grows. For a second, my mind played tricks on me that this was just a joke to get me to say it. The three words that are the easiest and hardest to say: I love you. But when he says it back, I know it’s true. I feel it in my soul.
Brad Fucking Chambers loves me.
He leans in slowly, hesitating to read my face once more. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Absolutely?” he gets closer, his warm breath tickling my lips.
“Absolutely,” I say with a nod, anticipation of his kiss sending shivers through me.
“Without a doubt?” he asks, millimeters away now.
“Without a?—”
I don’t get to finish because he brushes the words away with his lips, teasing me with the softest of kisses. It takes my breath away, it’s so sweet.
He pulls back slightly to look me in the eyes, his stare hard and full of passion. “I do love you, Tess. We’ve only known each other a short time, but I don’t need more time to know how I feel. The last twenty-four hours without you were too much. I don’t want to do that again.”
“Same,” I say, swallowing hard. His words are like lyrics to a new favorite song. One that I will replay over and over again.
He kisses me again, and this time we let our emotions run free just a little bit more. His tongue drawing mine in to meet his, slow and smooth, and perfect. His hand cups the back of my head gently holding me to him, keeping me steady. It’s a kiss that transcends everything behind us, laying his past and mine to waste, giving only a promise of the bright future ahead of us.
A future we’re going to face together.
“Aww. Good job, Dad!” Charlie’s voice rings from right next to us. We both jump apart quickly, not having heard the door slide open.
“Charlie! Hey…baby girl,” Brad exclaims, smoothing his beard nervously, his face reddening. He clears his throat loudly. “Didn’t hear you sneak up on us…”
“I didn’t sneak. You just didn’t hear me.”
I guess we can’t argue that logic. My heart was racing so hard, I probably wouldn’t have heard a plane crash on the other side of the fence either.
Brad nods while smiling at me. “Point taken.”
She climbs up on Brad’s lap, hugging his neck. Eyeing me carefully, she asks, “Did you two make up?”
I love what a straight shooter she is. I hope she never loses that.
“We did.”
“Good. I told my dad that when two people love each other, they can do anything. Isn’t that right, Dad?”
“That’s right, baby.”
My heart swells, and I’m overcome with emotion. Maybe I’m still exhausted. Or maybe I just realized how important the two people in front of me have become, and how much I care about them. And how lost I’d be without them in my life.
Even in our short time apart, when the world felt like it was coming to an end, I felt their loss deeply. They’ve become a part of my daily life now. The thought of another day without them was positively devastating.
I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
Ever.
We spend the evening together, watching old cartoons and eating popcorn, Charlie snuggled happily between us, holding the bowl. Brad rests his arm along the back of the couch and plays with my hair. It’s hypnotizing and could probably put me to sleep if I let it.
When I dare to glance over at him, I find him staring at me, his eyes thoughtful, and a dreamy smile on his lips. He looks happy. Relieved. Tired. And, if I’m not mistaken – in love. With me.
I grin back at him, letting him know I feel the exact same way, then toss a piece of popcorn at him. He deftly maneuvers to catch it in his mouth without jarring Charlie, who I think is now sound asleep. It is getting late. The evening together flew by, but I don’t want it to end.
“Stay the night?” I ask Brad quietly. “I don’t have another bedroom, but the couch?—”
“Yes, please.” He doesn’t whisper or even attempt to be quiet.
“Shhh. You’ll wake Charlie,” I hiss, shifting to get up without disturbing her too much.
“Nah. She sleeps like the dead once she’s out,” he says, getting up with me and tucking the blanket around Charlie’s small frame. “Just keep the TV on low in case she wakes up, so she doesn’t forget where she is. She’s kind of used to traveling and waking up in weird places, so it’s cool.”
I’m not sure if I should be impressed at Charlie’s ability to sleep anywhere, but I think I am. I have trouble sleeping in strange hotels when I travel for work, and I’m not looking forward to the upcoming tour and the lack of sleep that will come from it. Actually, I haven’t thought much about the tour…or the sleeping arrangements…
“Does this mean I get the bed…? With you?” Brad asks, arching a sly brow and sliding a hand around my back.
“It does…” I smile, grabbing that hand and leading him down the hall to the bedroom.
Once inside, Brad closes the door, but then pulls it barely open so not even a sliver of light peeks through.
“We’ll have to be quiet, though,” he says, stepping up to me and resting his hands on my hips. Just his closeness is enough to turn me on. Never mind the muscles, the tattoos, the cologne, the hair, the face…the everything about the man in front of me. “Can you be quiet?”
I can’t help the shiver that lets loose.
“I can be quiet.”
“Oh yeah? What about when I do this?” He pulls on my hips and grinds into me, his erection pressing in just the right place to make me gasp. “Now, now. You said you’d be quiet.”
“Sorry,” I breathe, my skin coming alive under his touch as his hands run up my back, undoing my bra. His calloused fingers play expertly with my nipples. He trails hot kisses down my neck and along my collarbone and my breath inhales sharply again as electricity shoots through my core.
I can feel him smile against my shoulder, and can picture how deliciously wicked it is, and it revs me up more.
“What about you?” I whisper, dragging my tongue lightly along the hollow of his throat. “Can you be quiet?” I slide my hand between us and into the front of his jeans. His hard length twitches as I wrap my fingers around it firmly.
He lets out a low groan, pushing into my hand. My back arches instinctively at the sound, my body hungry for him.
“Careful…we need to be quiet, remember?” I tease, pumping him slowly. My own grin wicked.
I’ve never been intimate with someone when a child was just in the other room, and something about it makes it feel naughty, or off-limits. Like we’re about to do something really taboo, even though it’s totally not.
He quickly pulls my hand from his cock and walks me backward. The moonlight from the bedroom window silhouettes his lithe body as he lowers me gently to the bed, then slides in next to me.
This is where we shine. Giving each other pleasure. And every time we’re together like this is like a rediscovery of the other’s body. But at the same time, it’s instinctively familiar. Something about this feels different, though. This feels more important now. Sweeter and deeper somehow that I can’t explain.
His fingers running gently along my bare skin feels reverent, as if he’s worshipping my body. Goosebumps rise in his wake with every caress, every kiss.
And when he glides into me smoothly, my leg over his hip, we’re side by side, and eye to eye. Completely connected in every way. I’m almost overcome with emotion yet again because I can see every one of his.
His sorrow, his relief, his joy…his love. It’s all there on full display for me to bear witness to.
“I love you, Tess,” he whispers, and the awe in his voice nearly pushes me over the edge. I had no idea that true love would make this even better than before. Because before was pretty fucking great.
I can’t form words, and as we rock together slowly, both of us building to an ultimate climax of earth-shattering proportions, I kiss him. With every fiber of my being, I pour all of my love and passion into him. Eager to show him just how much I love him right back.
Each movement of our bodies is perfection, our skin slick with sweat from the heat and tension between us. And as we crescendo into pulsing ecstasy, we both break the kiss, gasping for air.
“Shhh,” he chuckles, burying his face into my pillow.
“Hush yourself,” I giggle softly, pulling him closer to me as he continues to thrust slowly, driving me crazy.
The fact that we can go from inferno-hot teasing, to emotionally loaded lovemaking, to now giggling about making too much noise is exactly what I love about this man. He’s not just one thing. He’s many. And I love all of them. All of him.
I absolutely love every single bit of him.