Chapter Eleven #2
“To be a father?” One of her dark eyebrows rose beneath the shallow brim of her straw bonnet trimmed with maroon satin ribbon.
“I doubt that. Try again.” When he remained silent, she frowned.
“Is it me, then? Can you not see yourself having a family or filling a nursery with me?” She pressed her lips together.
“Am I only good enough to be your lover and perhaps your wife, but beyond that, you have no use for me?” Notes of upset threaded through her voice, but as of yet, she hadn’t spoken any louder.
But her assessment gutted him. “No, of course not.” Needing to touch her and solidify some sort of connection between them, Felix pulled her hand through his crooked elbow.
“You deserve an honest answer. The truth is, I am terrified that I’ll be the same sort of man my father was.
I despised him. He was a drunkard, and he beat my brother and me.
” A ball of emotion lodged in his throat, and he swallowed around it.
“I’d rather die than treat a child of mine like that, and I would put a ball through my own head if I were ever to hurt you. ”
This he knew as truth deep in his heart.
“Goodness.” She half turned toward him. “I don’t believe you would ever hurt me.
” The delicate cords in her throat worked with a hard swallow as her eyes filled with tears.
“I would imagine you’d make the conscious effort not to follow in his footsteps, and the fact you’re worried about it speaks volumes. ”
“There is always a risk, though.”
“Yes, as there is in everything, but you are a good man, Felix.” Concern reflected in the blue pools of her eyes. “Any child would be proud to call you papa, just as I will be proud to call you my husband.”
His heart skipped a beat, for that would be a day that would change his life. “I don’t know. Perhaps I need more time to think upon it or become accustomed to the idea.” Then he frowned. “Don’t tell me you are enceinte?”
Good God, I’m not ready for that.
“I am not.” When she attempted to pull her hand from his arm, he put his other hand on hers to prevent that.
As relief twisted down his spine, he met her gaze. “Please know that I’m not opposed; I just need more time.”
She nodded. “It’s all right. There is no need to rush through our life together. We were only just engaged yesterday.”
“This is true.” Silence brewed between them as they watched his nephews do their best to cut their own branches of greenery and various bushes. “Is being a mother a particular dream of yours?”
A soft sigh escaped her. “I hadn’t thought of it in a long time since I didn’t believe I’d ever be engaged again.
” Caroline smiled as Elias tumbled over from a crouched position onto his back in the scant couple of inches of snow that covered the ground.
One of the footmen quickly helped him to his feet.
“Having children might be a charming addition to our life. Eventually. And the sensation of holding a babe in my arms would be unmatched.” A dreamy sort of smile curved her lips.
“To have a child who was a miniature of you. A mix of you and me? She shrugged. “I suppose it’s up to fate since we haven’t exactly been careful. ”
His chest tightened with another wave of self-loathing. “Children are something we can talk about as we move through the engagement.”
“Do you know how long of an engagement period you want?”
“I don’t. That is something else we need to discuss.
” Perhaps he’d rushed his fences and should have waited for this step.
When she didn’t immediately answer, he put a gloved finger beneath her chin and lifted her head until their gazes met.
“Please know there is nothing I want to do more than spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Truly?” Her quivering bottom lip nearly did him in.
“Absolutely. You know my history, you know why I delayed in asking for your hand, you know why I had trouble trusting women, but you have shown me that my thinking in all of that has been biased.” As he rubbed his thumb over her glove-covered knuckles, he continued to hold her gaze.
“Though I may still have misgivings and I might be scared, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do any of those things. ”
“It doesn’t?” She gripped his hand tighter.
“No. It only motivates me to do them with you, at your side, facing every challenge with you because I love you.” As speeches went, it wasn’t all inspiring, but for him, it was a revelation.
“My view of the immediate future? I look forward to having you all to myself and perhaps expanding my private investigation business since there will be two of us involved in that.”
“You want me to work with you in that endeavor?”
“I do, for I would be rubbish at it, I think, if it weren’t for you.”
“Hmm, I’m not certain about that; you were doing quite well on your own before I came along, but I thank you for the compliment.”
He leaned toward her. “Of course, if children happen for us, I’ll welcome them because they’ll be part of you, but I might be a horrible father, and that frightens me, not having children or the responsibility of them.” It was important she know that.
“I understand.” She rested her free hand on his chest. “You won’t do it alone. I will be at your side, for there is nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“Thank you. That is also something that will take some time to acclimate to.” For the first time he was coming to realize he didn’t need to fight battles by himself.
Not any longer, and there was a certain comfort in that.
And with that, heated awareness for her rushed over his skin.
Needing to kiss her, Felix angled his head toward hers.
Their lips nearly touched. “God, but I want you so much right now,” he said in a barely there whisper.
Before Caroline could respond, something cold and wet smacked into the side of his face, knocking his top hat askew.
“What the devil?” As he glanced at the crumbling remains of a terribly small snowball on the shoulder of his greatcoat, the sound of giggling met his ears.
He jerked his head to the side where his nephews were already trying frantically to form another small snowball from the scant couple of inches on the ground.
Caroline’s lips twitched. Then she chuckled. “It would seem, Major, that war has been declared.”
“So it has.” That tugged a grin from him, and suddenly, the somber mood from their conversation lifted, and humor rose in his chest. “Excuse me, sweeting. I must retaliate.” Quickly, he stooped, gathered a handful of snow, and as he moved toward his nephews, he formed an awkward snowball.
“Duck and cover, boys. You’ve poked the English bear. ” Then he let his snowball fly.
It tagged Alexander on the top of his head where it splattered in spectacular fashion.
“No fair, Major! You’re bigger than us!” his oldest nephew called out with red cheeks and sparkling eyes.
“That may be so, but you started this war.”
Immediately, the boys both shot off a return volley with matching giggles.
Felix responded with another snowball of his own while the two footmen loaded the cut greenery boughs on a wooden sled with red-painted runners.
Caroline slowly followed behind him, and for that one moment, everything was right with the world.
The future could take care of itself. There was no sense in worrying over it, for he would meet those new challenges soon enough.