8. Losing My Mind
-Spade-
I click the gun again and again. Tears stream down her face, but fuck that.
“See what you make me do?!” I roar. She shakes her head, wiping furiously at her tears. “Continue to ignore me, and this is the price you will pay!” I say vehemently. She covers her face.
“I can’t deal with this right now, it’s too much. Just leave!” she yells throwing a pillow at me; she misses. She looks gorgeous, naked on the bed, mascara running down her face, and her eyes sparkling in the sunlight. She’s perfect, but I’m losing her, and she’s making me crazy. I told her months ago that I would stalk her life. My obsession and love for her is real—so fucking real; it truly knows no bounds. It hurts worse the more she shuts down. My heart tightens in my chest with the distance she’s putting between us, she just doesn’t understand. I press the gun to my temple again, pacing the room. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Watching her be raped by that sick fuck triggered a lot of unwanted thoughts and memories, then she ignored me. Not acceptable.
“Jade, baby, I’m hanging on by a thread here. If I walk away with nothing, I walk away for good!” I say, begging her to give me something—anything—to let me know she still gives a flying fuck.
“I’m sorry, Reid, I can’t. I need time and space to breathe,” she pleads. I snort.
“Oh, but you can run into the arms of the man who stabbed your mother first?” Her face drops as the realization of what I just said sinks in. I pull the trigger, making the gun “click” one last time. Leaving the room without a backward glance, I put the gun in the back of my waistband as she screams my name. Kayla is standing in the kitchen, shaking her head at me.
“You know I’m right. This needs to end now before it gets worse.” I rub my hand over my face.
“I know, but did you have to leave her with that last tidbit? You don’t know what it was like for her after her mom died. She wasn’t always like this.”
“Actually, I know exactly what it’s like to lose a mother, considering I was forced to kill mine. I watched the life leave my Madre’s eyes while I slit her throat, and what’s even worse, I had to watch my brothers take turns fucking her dead corpse. So yeah, I fucking know what it feels like. I need her to remember who she is and find the strength within her soul to come back. Most of all, I need her to know that we didn’t kill her mom willingly! Our lives are much more than just being enforcers! We are monsters, created and forced to do things we never wanted to do.” Her eyes widened at the revelation.
“Just keep her safe Kayla, and if you need me, call. I’ll be seeing you.” I leave the suite without saying another word. Instead of going back to my room, I head out of the Academy’s front doors and straight to the parking garage. I climb on my bike and take off out of the gates. This girl has my mind truly fucked up. Having her so close made me feel whole again. Her light gave me a reason to step out of the darkness, it made me want more with her. I thought we would kill our enemies and start a life together. The Aces fucked that up by blowing up our safe house. I know Ri is working on getting us something else because our days are numbered here at the Academy. All it takes is a call from one of our fathers, and our asses will be shipped right out of here. We have to tread lightly for the time being. Stay under the radar, abide by the rules! I don’t even realize how long I’ve been riding until I notice I’ve ended up at the cemetery. I push the kickstand down, turn off the engine and take my helmet off, placing it on my seat. My feet drag me to the headstone I haven’t been to in the past six months. My knees hit the ground, and I place my head gently against the cold stone.
“Amelia, what do I do? How can I save the only girl I’ve ever loved?” The wind picks up, causing me to shiver.
“I miss you so much. We avenged your death; I hope you are pleased with us. I’m sorry we couldn’t save you. I’m sorry for so many things, I wish you were still here with us.” I sigh, tears streaming down my face. I turn around, leaning back against her black marble headstone, taking in the scenery. Leaves litter the grounds, and it smells like it’s going to snow soon. The wind whips bitterly against my skin. I should have brought a hoodie with me, but I had to get out of there. The whole situation was smothering. I just want my girl back—to hold her in my arms, feeling her warm body pressed against my skin. We won’t give her up to The Carver. I know what he does, I’ve seen it. He will kill her it’s only a matter of time. I stay here, leaning against my best friend’s grave, until the sun goes down. Taking a joint out of my back pocket, I roll it between my fingers and light it up. I watch as the embers spark to life, and I’m pulled back to this moment.
“Ams, you would love Jade. She’s such a beautiful soul. She’s smart and witty, she’s fucking perfect. I know you would have gotten along with her and Kayla. The three of you would have put us through the wringer.” Fuck. I take another deep pull of the joint, holding it in my chest until I feel the warmth of the drug in my lungs, then exhale into the sky. I’m trying to get myself together. It’s getting late, and I need to get back to the Academy before Ri loses his shit for not being able to get a hold of me. I stand up, kiss my fingers, and press them against the cold marble.
“See you soon, Ams. Keep us safe. Love you.” I kick the leaves as I walk back to my bike. I grab my helmet and put it on. Turning on the engine and climbing on the bike, I take one last look at Amelia’s grave. Fuck, I wish she was here now. She would know the right things to say and do, I just know she would.
This life isn’t for everyone. Everyone you love dies, one way or another.